**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**
When a church member makes an accusation of harassment against a preacher, one would naturally expect a meeting to take place, in order to discuss the accusations made and any possible consequences to be imposed on the accused- should he be found guilty- as well as precautions to prevent a re-occurrence of harassment in the future. Such a discussion, in a healthy environment, would naturally include the potential victim unless the potential victim explicitly states otherwise. Instead, after emailing my pastor Wednesday morning about Douglas Stauffer’s harassment and my concerns about his character in leadership, Pastor Andrew Ray preached a message on “Biblical Forgiveness,” but never responded to the email or spoke with us after the service. Come Sunday evening at Antioch Baptist Church, Pastor Ray approached my husband, Matthew Olds, about Matt meeting with him for a few minutes about my email from the week before. Surprisingly, Pastor Ray had expected Matt to approach him, but Matt never did! Throughout the entirety of the meeting, rather than being involved as a woman, as was common-place in our church, I waited nervously outside in the fenced-in play area with several other moms from the inner circle nearby, fearing the worst as our children played. After the meeting finally concluded, we drove an hour home and Matt wanted to get the children completely in bed before giving me any information about the meeting. As we sat down on the living room couch, Matt, broken but at peace, concluded that the meeting had gone very well, and that we had a loving and gracious pastor who truly desired reconciliation. I personally still wonder if Stauffer did not have his hand of influence on Pastor Ray’s actions before the meeting ever began.
Truth or Transference?
Within the office, Pastor Ray showed Matt a printed copy of the email with highlighter marking the first several questions, but in reference to the email’s title, “More Questions,” Pastor Ray declared that there were only a few questions, while the rest of the email was only accusations. Despite the support I gave of Stauffer’s past arrogance and deceitful interactions with my family, as well as recent occurrences, our pastor believed that most, if not all, of the email was merely transference from the spiritual abuse I endured at the hands of a mentor, and particularly her husband, when I was in high school and in college. Pastor Ray also confessed that as our pastor, he still did not know how to talk to me after four years because of my history with abuse. He then proceeded to tell Matt that I would likely come to change my mind on a lot of what was said, but that this situation- with Stauffer’s message, the Facebook post, and the fall-out from it- had likely fallen into Matt’s lap as an opportunity to help me work through my past trauma. Talk about irony considering that my therapist and I are still working through the spiritual abuse from Pastor Ray and Douglas Stauffer during this time in 2018, and it is currently the year 2020!
Additionally, Pastor Ray continued to claim, that, unless I was a prophet- [and could foresee the future]- our church was not currently in the situation that I warned about and described in my email about Stauffer, thus invalidating every accusation of harassment and question about Douglas Stauffer without even conversing with me personally about the situation. In the same conversation, however, Pastor Ray also asked if we needed space and time, or if we wanted to meet with Douglas Stauffer. My husband respectfully stated that he and I needed space and time, but that if Matt felt the need to discuss the situation with Stauffer, he would willingly speak with Stauffer himself.
Protecting the Accused
As if labeling every accusation to be mere transference was not invalidating enough, Pastor Ray asked what he and Matt should do with the document, citing that it “could destroy a man’s ministry.” After Ray suggested that they should destroy it, he said, “Let’s start ripping it up now,” and our own pastor began attempting to physically rip the printed document. Because manually ripping the document was taking an awkwardly long amount of time because of the paper quality, Pastor Ray suggested that my husband take the only printed copy of the email into the church office (just down the hall) and shred it. My husband, being a man who wanted to do what was right no matter what and trusted our pastor to have our best interests at heart, followed our pastor’s instructions by walking around the corner to the church office, and shredding the email I had sent Pastor Ray about Stauffer’s harassment of our family. Pastor then further stated that he was deleting my email, and requested that Matt do the same because a letter of that nature could destroy someone’s ministry and that he [our Pastor] would do the same for Matt.
Essentially, Pastor Andrew Ray, our pastor of four, almost five years, met solely with my husband, attempted to invalidate every concern and accusation listed, re-victimized us by protecting a man that had harassed my family, stating it was merely transference- a complete betrayal of trust after countless hours of counsel- and even attempted to physically rip up what was supposedly the only copy of the email before sending my husband to send it through the shredder. For what purpose? To protect Doug Stauffer’s testimony and ministry.
A few months later, we found out through Douglas Stauffer himself that Pastor Ray had given him a copy of the email the day after it was sent, stating “Matt doesn’t know that you have this.” Upon confrontation, Pastor Ray admitted to having given a copy to Stauffer before ever meeting with Matt, exposing not only his deceitfulness toward my family, but his loyalty to Stauffer throughout the entire situation.
In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Discerning Douglas Stauffer: A Diotrophes at Heart” or click on the link below.
For a list of the complete series, click here.
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3. Come as you are. You don’t have to dress like a Pentecostal to come to a Pentecostal church. We won’t look down on you at all. You can come wearing whatever you’re comfortable in.
