Blindsided: Reduced to Being the Pastor’s Cheerleader

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Our relief following the meeting with Douglas Stauffer was short-lived because Matthew Olds had previously planned on meeting with Pastor Andrew Ray to discuss the results of the meeting and because Matt further desired to make things right with our pastor. After breaking down in the meeting with Stauffer, I knew there was no way I would make it through a meeting with Pastor. Just in telling Matt that I never meant to hurt the pastor’s family, I would turn into a blubbering mess, hurting because of the pain I had caused them. Another layer of the tears stemmed from Pastor Ray’s stinging messages to my husband when he said that “the writing was on the wall” and that his daughter, Mary*, had lost a great deal of faith in me. I felt the weight of disappointing my pastor, letting him down and potentially damaging a precious teen girl in our youth group, and reviving depths of pain throughout our church. Even though Stauffer was the one who opened up the wounds, I felt that I was reason behind my pastor and his family hurting and there was no way I could get through a meeting with my pastor without getting choked up and crying uncontrollably.

When we went upstairs at the end of the Bible Conference meeting that Tuesday night, Matt met alone with Pastor Andrew Ray in one of the back sections of the church, while I paced in the lobby area awkwardly balancing carrying on small-talk and avoiding everyone’s gazes. Seated in the left section behind the folded wall, Pastor Ray inquired about the conversation with Doug Stauffer, and Matt responded that while it got heated at times, Stauffer and I (Crystal Olds) appeared to have reconciled things. Matt stated he could not conclude if Stauffer and I had actually forgiven each other because he could not get inside of our heads, but he reported that we both apologized and ended the meeting on a good note. To think that we were naïve enough to believe that everything could begin to calm down and that the worst may have been behind us.

Pastor Andrew Ray began, calmly, yet solemnly, to describe a time in his life when he was in a similar situation as Matt, back when he was the assistant pastor at Antioch Baptist Church under Pastor David Reagan. Pastor Ray continued about how he hurt some people and had to step down from all ministry activities for a time, but that he was eventually re-instated because of his faithfulness to church services. He proved himself to be faithful and Matt needed to do the same.

In my husband’s words, he was reduced to being the pastor’s cheerleader. He needed to be faithful to all services, continue to say “Amen,” and sing the hymns, and this would help regain “the confidence of the men of the church.” Matt was told that these were the only things he could do after we had already been pulled from serving in nursery and leading/organizing the greeter meeting. Because of my initial post about Doug Stauffer, Pastor Ray said that the men of the church had lost faith in my husband and that for now, just be faithful to the services, prove that we are not going to run off, and that eventually, he would come to Matt with something.

Pastor further informed Matt that a few men of the church- he later informed us of one, Nathaniel Morris- said they wanted to invest in him. When Matt inquired of Pastor as to where we go from here, Pastor suggested starting with Walter Gibson* considering that he had to go on one of my posts to provide context. Pastor then added that Walter might be able to direct Matt to the next person that he needed to apologize to, and then continue asking who to speak with next until he had made things right with everyone affected.

To say that my husband left that meeting entirely defeated would be an understatement, but he also left it fully believing that we had a loving and gracious pastor who had given out a merciful form of discipline in comparison to what it could have been. Matt swallowed his pride and choked it down, longing to serve the Lord and willing to do whatever was necessary to be able to do so. While Matt and I shared most of these same conclusions, I found pastor’s requirements for making things right- apologize to Walter, ask who he should apologize to next, apologize to that person, ask them who he should apologize to next- absolutely preposterous and unrealistic. It was more degrading and shaming than it was reconciling in any fashion. I further silently noted that encouraging Matt to say “Amen” was likely because the church services had been strangely quiet in that regard since the mass exodus of godly people the previous fall.

As was to be expected, however, Pastor’s requirements about service changed in what we feel was the face of not having enough people to do the work, a number that had already drastically declined with the mass exodus, and was then compounded by removing us from organizing and serving in the greeter ministry, and reducing one of the few available hands left in the nursery.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s Twitter Tells All (Part One)” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]