Category: My experience | Page 9 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Blindsided: Discerning Douglas Stauffer- A Diotrephes at Heart

“I wrote unto the church: but Diotrephes, who loveth to have the preeminence among them, receiveth us not. Wherefore, if I come, I will remember his deeds which he doeth, prating against us with malicious words: and not content therewith, neither doth he himself receive the brethren, and forbiddeth them that would, and casteth them out of the church.” 3 John 1:9-10

“Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.” 1 John 4:1

How are a vast majority of churches and church members unaware of the dangers lurking within their own church buildings? We can see the devil working when a marriage falls apart or when Christians are persecuted in the news, but unless we have been taught the warning signs or hold the scars of experience, we are easily deceived by the subtle workings of someone in a position of “authority.” They are our pastors, Sunday school teachers, deacons and youth leaders. Their grandiose personalities are attractive and their tenacity striking. They may be extremely skilled and knowledgeable, or they may be completely engrossed in advising and leading others. They are the ones we never expect. When I first heard Douglas Stauffer preach as an “evangelist” based out of a church in Alabama, I enjoyed his tenacity, his humor, personality, and sarcasm, and especially his depth of Bible knowledge. After he joined Antioch Baptist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, however, my husband and I quickly realized that something was off about his manner and his preaching.

Over the next several years, Douglas Stauffer’s arrogance and pride in preaching became inherently obvious, especially whenever he preached on eschatology and the end times. Though we purposefully avoided several of his messages along the way for this reason, we still greatly appreciated his playful connection with and care for our young children that came to absolutely adore him. In 2016, however, when sudden political unrest threatened the safety of our family in an upcoming missions trip, Stauffer’s crass lack of character and deceit truly came to light, revealing Stauffer for who we feared he was, by placing his pride and arrogance before the safety of our small, growing family.

But was our perception the truth, or merely transference from my history with spiritual abuse as Pastor Andrew Ray had decided for us without ever addressing it with me personally or presenting it before the church?

Because of Stauffer’s actions during our years together at Antioch Baptist Church, we feel that Stauffer portrays several narcissistic traits. We feel that he not only shows a severe lack of remorse for his deceitfulness, and cares little- if at all- for how his actions affect those around him. We further believe that he purposefully pulls others down to elevate himself in knowledge, reputation and potential power. Allow me to show you the Douglas D. Stauffer that we came to know over the course of about four and a half years at Antioch Baptist Church.

Would the Real Douglas Stauffer Please Stand Up?

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s Traveling Conceit” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: Shredding the Evidence

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

When a church member makes an accusation of harassment against a preacher, one would naturally expect a meeting to take place, in order to discuss the accusations made and any possible consequences to be imposed on the accused- should he be found guilty- as well as precautions to prevent a re-occurrence of harassment in the future. Such a discussion, in a healthy environment, would naturally include the potential victim unless the potential victim explicitly states otherwise. Instead, after emailing my pastor Wednesday morning about Douglas Stauffer’s harassment and my concerns about his character in leadership, Pastor Andrew Ray preached a message on “Biblical Forgiveness,” but never responded to the email or spoke with us after the service. Come Sunday evening at Antioch Baptist Church, Pastor Ray approached my husband, Matthew Olds, about Matt meeting with him for a few minutes about my email from the week before. Surprisingly, Pastor Ray had expected Matt to approach him, but Matt never did! Throughout the entirety of the meeting, rather than being involved as a woman, as was common-place in our church, I waited nervously outside in the fenced-in play area with several other moms from the inner circle nearby, fearing the worst as our children played. After the meeting finally concluded, we drove an hour home and Matt wanted to get the children completely in bed before giving me any information about the meeting. As we sat down on the living room couch, Matt, broken but at peace, concluded that the meeting had gone very well, and that we had a loving and gracious pastor who truly desired reconciliation. I personally still wonder if Stauffer did not have his hand of influence on Pastor Ray’s actions before the meeting ever began.

Truth or Transference?

Within the office, Pastor Ray showed Matt a printed copy of the email with highlighter marking the first several questions, but in reference to the email’s title, “More Questions,” Pastor Ray declared that there were only a few questions, while the rest of the email was only accusations. Despite the support I gave of Stauffer’s past arrogance and deceitful interactions with my family, as well as recent occurrences, our pastor believed that most, if not all, of the email was merely transference from the spiritual abuse I endured at the hands of a mentor, and particularly her husband, when I was in high school and in college. Pastor Ray also confessed that as our pastor, he still did not know how to talk to me after four years because of my history with abuse. He then proceeded to tell Matt that I would likely come to change my mind on a lot of what was said, but that this situation- with Stauffer’s message, the Facebook post, and the fall-out from it- had likely fallen into Matt’s lap as an opportunity to help me work through my past trauma. Talk about irony considering that my therapist and I are still working through the spiritual abuse from Pastor Ray and Douglas Stauffer during this time in 2018, and it is currently the year 2020!

Additionally, Pastor Ray continued to claim, that, unless I was a prophet- [and could foresee the future]- our church was not currently in the situation that I warned about and described in my email about Stauffer, thus invalidating every accusation of harassment and question about Douglas Stauffer without even conversing with me personally about the situation. In the same conversation, however, Pastor Ray also asked if we needed space and time, or if we wanted to meet with Douglas Stauffer. My husband respectfully stated that he and I needed space and time, but that if Matt felt the need to discuss the situation with Stauffer, he would willingly speak with Stauffer himself.

Protecting the Accused

As if labeling every accusation to be mere transference was not invalidating enough, Pastor Ray asked what he and Matt should do with the document, citing that it “could destroy a man’s ministry.” After Ray suggested that they should destroy it, he said, “Let’s start ripping it up now,” and our own pastor began attempting to physically rip the printed document. Because manually ripping the document was taking an awkwardly long amount of time because of the paper quality, Pastor Ray suggested that my husband take the only printed copy of the email into the church office (just down the hall) and shred it. My husband, being a man who wanted to do what was right no matter what and trusted our pastor to have our best interests at heart, followed our pastor’s instructions by walking around the corner to the church office, and shredding the email I had sent Pastor Ray about Stauffer’s harassment of our family. Pastor then further stated that he was deleting my email, and requested that Matt do the same because a letter of that nature could destroy someone’s ministry and that he [our Pastor] would do the same for Matt.

Essentially, Pastor Andrew Ray, our pastor of four, almost five years, met solely with my husband, attempted to invalidate every concern and accusation listed, re-victimized us by protecting a man that had harassed my family, stating it was merely transference- a complete betrayal of trust after countless hours of counsel- and even attempted to physically rip up what was supposedly the only copy of the email before sending my husband to send it through the shredder. For what purpose? To protect Doug Stauffer’s testimony and ministry.

A few months later, we found out through Douglas Stauffer himself that Pastor Ray had given him a copy of the email the day after it was sent, stating “Matt doesn’t know that you have this.” Upon confrontation, Pastor Ray admitted to having given a copy to Stauffer before ever meeting with Matt, exposing not only his deceitfulness toward my family, but his loyalty to Stauffer throughout the entire situation.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Discerning Douglas Stauffer: A Diotrophes at Heart” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: Pastor Andrew Ray’s Message on Biblical Forgiveness

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

How did Pastor Andrew Ray respond to my email to him about the harassment and about the dangers we perceived in Douglas Stauffer? He preached a message that same evening, Wednesday, June 20th, 2018, about “Biblical Forgiveness.” Can I truly say that he was preaching at us? In the meeting the following Sunday evening with my husband, Pastor Ray admitted that he was “preaching at himself too.” To think that, once again, despite seeing through the intent of the message at the beginning, we took the bait hook, line, and sinker by the end of the message, tears down our faces and questioning our resolve to leave! As with most messages at Antioch Baptist Church, the actual live-streamed message, “Biblical Forgiveness,” can be found on YouTube (it has since been made private).

“Biblical Forgiveness” by Pastor Andrew Ray
Wednesday Evening Service, June 20, 2018
(Message Time-frame: 29:17-1:14:32]

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Shredding the Evidence” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

********
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Crystal Old’s Email to Pastor Andrew Ray about Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment and Character

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Despite everything that happened over the last few weeks, and despite that we had already determined our days at Antioch Baptist Church were numbered, we still loved our church and we still cared for the people who went there. We desired to see it prosper and we wanted to see it grow, but I firmly believed that Douglas Stauffer was leading it towards its destruction, and I felt that Pastor Andrew Ray was likely blinded by their close-knit work relationship and friendship.

Just two days later, on Wednesday morning, June 20, 2018, after months of not being allowed to give my opinion about Douglas Stauffer’s first comments from back in January, to Stauffer’s harassment and accusations after I finally spoke up, followed by his public apology and then message to Miranda Crawford* revealing the heart behind his apology, I could no longer keep my mouth shut. Big surprise, right?

Back in Pennsylvania, I had been under a mentor and her husband, and though my mentor was my best friend and like a mother to me, her husband ended up being spiritually and psychologically abusive, leaving me with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) for years to come. Matthew Olds was one of the many people instrumental in getting me away from that toxic environment, and because of our experiences, Matt and I recognized traits in Douglas Stauffer that showed up as danger signs in our minds. Even if our pastor never believed me and never saw it, I needed to know that I at least attempted to warn our pastor about a man that we felt had several narcissistic traits.

Below is the email I wrote to our pastor, based solely on my opinions and recollections at the time, but not intended for public display. I reached out to Pastor Ray– my husband knowledgeable, for the record- as a concerned and hurting church member, who hoped for the slightest possibility that her pastor could see the same dangers she saw in this man who found his way under the pastor. There was a part of me that needed to speak, because even if we did not stay at Antioch Baptist Church after our youngest was done nursing, I needed to know that I had done everything I could to warn Pastor Ray about Douglas Stauffer. Though every conclusion contained in this email was entirely my opinion at the time, I still hold to the same opinions today based on the information provided in this series, and in the posts to come. Douglas Stauffer even supported these fears by later attempting to use this email as part of a threat to keep me silent.

Email, “More Questions”, from Crystal Olds to Pastor Andrew Ray
Wednesday, June 20, 2018 at 9:16am.

Thank you for your kind words a few days ago via text. I know these last couple weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind, and I’m sorry for any harm that it caused you and your family. As I look back though, and consider everything that was said in church, online, and in meetings, I can’t get away from a few questions that I need to ask. The stupid Facebook post near the beginning of this thing was never meant to attack you or your character, and it was never meant as a question about how you responded personally to everything that happened last fall. It was meant as a question of the stance taken that it was okay to destroy people behind the pulpit, and that a church rupture was a good thing. That it was one of the best things that could have happened at our church. My question is about Stauffer’s attitude behind it, how *he* handled this situation, and about how things will be handled in the future. My question is if this is how you believe a man standing behind the pulpit and representing our church should act, and if you support how he handles the situations with the members of our church family.

I want to ask [you] to listen to the voicemail that he left my husband [attached to email], and I want to ask you to look at the messages that he sent through private messenger in a group message with me and my husband [also attached to email]. I feel like he attacked me, attempted to manipulate and control me through fear, and attempted to assert authority that he did not have. After Matt had requested that I not respond, and that he would look at it tomorrow because of how late it was, Stauffer continued to attempt to manipulate me and attempted to instill fear in what he could do or would do. He also twisted what I put up as an apology (approved by Matt, as everything has been), and then used guile to try to say that Matt couldn’t see the comments that others were saying.

In the messages on Monday, he attempted to say that we MUST meet before attending any services, and when that [was] questioned, he asked if it would be out of line for you to respond in such a way to such an “egregious act.” He then went around my husband to message me and further manipulate. When that was brought to light, he asked if Matt’s opinion is the only one that matters.

In the meeting on Tuesday night, when we said that he didn’t have the authority to do something, he said, “I can do whatever I want!” That is man who desires power. He said himself that he starts off meetings with a heavy hand and that they tend to work out better that way. He said that he was planning on coming down on someone soon and that he didn’t want them to to have the heads up, and that that was what was behind his “ill-advised” comment behind the pulpit. Feel free to listen to the recording.

In his own way, he sort of apologized for what he said in his messages to me, but then went back to say that he was defending the pastor. He further defended his statements by saying that he was defending you. I feel he believes he has absolute power to do whatever he wants as long as he is “defending the pastor” in his eyes. He said that you approached him and said, “You had better deal with it, or I will.”

He posted an apology online, but then he also said that he had to give some-what of an apology because of the only thing online was the misperception of a Facebook post. That is not a real apology.

You said that he spent “HOURS” with everyone that left. If this is the case, it is very likely that he turned them away even more. I feel that he could have been the nail in the coffin for anyone that he spoke with. Is this really what you desire in this church in terms of reconciliation? Is this what our church desires in terms of leadership or a man preaching behind the pulpit?

He assumes that he has absolute power. He has told Matt that he does not want the responsibility of being a pastor, but then turned around and said that he can do whatever he wants. Furthermore, he is deceitful and full of guile. The meeting with you and Matt over the missions trip, then how many times his story changed about WHO he was speaking of behind the pulpit, how he twisted your words to say that we could not attend, and that you had told him to take care of it, only further shows that he will twist the truth and tear people apart to get what he wants and desires.

This is much longer than I intended, but it needs to be said. I’ve been here before. No, I shouldn’t have put up that post, but putting up a simple question to a message should not have resulted in his actions. It did, however, reveal that festering sore (Stauffer, to be clear that it’s not you) that we’ve wondered about for a long time. I’ve dealt with men that are spiritually abusive, power-hungry, and only desire to have the pre-eminence. Just look at your office that is no longer your office, but his studio where he posts a stock photo online of for the equipment.

You don’t have to believe it. You don’t have to see it. What I suspect you don’t see is the impact of his negativity, criticism, manipulation, and control on our church, or the impact that will likely continue and grow until it is destroyed. We have a great church and I think we can agree that we want it to continue to grow spiritually. This is a dangerous man because he doesn’t care about who he takes down along the way, and he is doing in the name of protecting you. In such, he destroys your character from the inside out.

Crystal

Email, “Looking Back on that Last Message”, from Crystal Olds to Pastor Andrew Ray
Wednesday, June 20, 2018 at 9:44am.

Pastor,

Looking back on my last message, I’m afraid it came out harsher than I wanted as a whole. I love our church and I want to see it grow. You’ve been a great pastor and there for me through so much. This has been our home for four years now. But I’ve seen this before. I know what this looks like. This isn’t meant as attack on you, but other than being hurt immensely these last few weeks, I’m concerned about what he has done with others and what he will do in the future. It isn’t about you other than that I’m afraid of what will happen with the ministry here as long as he continues to make it about himself and how he looks. Antioch is supposed to be about preaching truth, but also love and brotherly kindness. If I didn’t care, I’d be gone. And maybe that’s what everyone would prefer by now, but I care about our church. I care about what happens to it.In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Pastor Andrew Ray’s Message on ‘Biblical Forgiveness’” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Blindsided: The Illusion of Pastor Andrew Ray

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

That Wednesday evening, June 13, 2018, my husband, Matthew Olds, and I finally heeded a friend’s counsel to take a break, for the sake of our own family, as well as our church family. Though we had initially considered visiting another church a few days prior on Sunday night, we shifted our plans to Wednesday because of the financial meeting planned with Seth Razler*. On Wednesday night, we visited at a sweet, Independent Fundamental Baptist Church in our area, and though we later realized that it was not the church home for our family, the strong Christians there and the safe, endearing environment they created, were an absolute haven for us as we quietly tended to our family’s wounds left by the leadership of Antioch Baptist Church.

Why did we not leave Antioch Baptist Church in June or July? Because we still saw Pastor Andrew Ray as the pastor that loved and cared for our family. Not only did we not see him for who- we now believe- he had become, but we feared re-creating the tension of the nursing situation at another church. A breather, however, was exactly what we needed to make it through the next several months.

Come the following Sunday morning, back at Antioch Baptist Church, I ran into Mary*, the pastor’s oldest daughter, and I apologized for how my initial Facebook post affected her. I assured her that upon writing that post, I was unaware of the previous situations that had occurred, including the ones that she had been through, and that I never intended for her to get hurt.

The next morning, Monday June 18, 2018, I messaged Pastor Ray to inform him that I had apologized to Mary*, and I further wanted to clear the air about my lack of responding to his friend request to me on Facebook that he retracted after a week. I feared that not responding right away would appear to be out of spite or anger, and though my greatest desire was to keep from hurting my pastor even further, I simply was not ready to open back up to anyone and risk being hurt that deeply again.

His response, as always was reassuring and encouraging, just as he had been through the whole situation, with the exception of his private Facebook messages to Matt. But I even understood and justified his reaction through the private messages because his family was hurting, and what man would not lash out upon perceiving a threat to his family? Despite his family’s anguish, after meeting with Matt a mere two days after Douglas Stauffer’s carnal message, I had lifted my head from facing the ground in embarrassment and shame, only to meet my pastor’s usual compassionate eyes and hear him say that he loved us and loved our family. I believe I merely gave a thankful smile because I was still too overwhelmed emotionally to speak. Despite the agony written across his face and the depth of pain which I felt I had inflicted on him and his family the last several days, I thought I recognized the face of my pastor, the one that knew our past struggles and fears, knew us for who we were, and was attempting to give us a chance to make things right as brothers and sisters in Christ. I had no idea that he had just crushed my husband, removed us from all ministries, and made my husband his cheer-leader from the sidelines, while Douglas Stauffer roamed free.

Fast-forward two weeks later, right after informing Pastor Ray that I had apologized to Mary*, his text messages presented the same calm and reassuring attitude towards us that he also presented in person. We assumed, despite his previous comments about the “writing on the wall,” that we were all working toward reconciliation. We assumed he was genuine and the same pastor we had known for the last four years. But once again, we assumed incorrectly. We had no idea that he would later accuse us of trying to destroy our church, something he deemed to be “his life’s work.”

Text Messages Between Pastor Andrew Ray and Crystal Olds (Matthew Olds included in group text)

Crystal Olds (June 18, 2018 at 8:49am): Pastor, I saw your friend request on Facebook a week ago, and I saw it come off over the last day or so. I just need time and space at this point. I want things to be okay again, and I was trying to converse as if things were calm and normal yesterday, but these last two weeks have been filled with triggers and I need space to work through them. I’m spiraling (c-PTSD) and I need time to sort through the emotions and everything that happened.

Crystal Olds (June 18, 2018 at 8:49am): [Continued] I meant to catch you last night and while you probably already know, I did apologize to Mary* yesterday afternoon. She’s growing into a sweet young woman.

Pastor Andrew Ray (June 18, 2018 at 10:23am): Thank you for writing sister! Mary* did tell me and I appreciate both your apology and your sentiments toward Mary*. As for the friend request, I just withdrew it so that it was not in your face. I figure, if or when you are ready, you can send one to me.

Pastor Andrew Ray (June 18, 2018 at 10:23am): [Continued] On a separate note, but just to be above board, I will be tightening my settings in the next day or so, because I need to keep the Post Tribbers and works salvation attacks at bay as long as possible. I did not want you to think those changes had anything to do with you. Today I am going to try to snuff out post or mid trib “friends.” Believe it or not, people taking a stand on the pretrip rapture have had some of the these guys show up at their front door to debate and argue with them. Just wanted you to be aware.

Thank you again for talking to Mary*. I hope you have a great day.

Crystal Olds (June 18, 2018 at 10:23 AM): I had no idea that that was going on. People have lost their minds. I really hope that no one tries that with you guys, and thank you for the heads up. I would have wondered.… so thank you for that. We are praying you all have a good week and Lord willing, see you all Wednesday

Pastor Andrew Ray (June 18, 2018): Sounds good. Thank you sister!

Crystal Olds (July 1, 2018 at 10:50pm): Thank you Pastor. Meeting tonight really helped. That said… The “amen” question is a perfect example of what I was trying to ask with the example you gave of Teletubies. At this point, Matt isn’t against a woman saying amen, but I’m afraid it could come across as disrespectful or that I don’t care, now knowing for sure where you stand. I never want you to think that I just don’t care and I never want to be in your face about something you disagree with. Just needed to get that out there.… And thank you for another point on my side of the board for “I told you so” with Matt (just kidding).… It’s been a messed up month, but I’m thankful you’re our pastor.

Pastor Andrew Ray (July 2, 2018 at 9:45pm): Sorry to take so long to respond. I’m glad I could be of some help to you. Thank you for your kind words.

Crystal Olds (July 3, 2018 at 11:26pm): No problem and thank you. Good night pastor. Lord willing see you all tomorrow night

Pastor Andrew Ray (July 2, 2018): Liked “No problem and thank you. Good night pastor. Lord willing see you all tomorrow night”

Pastor Andrew Ray (Sep 18, 2018 at 9:45pm): <3
[Crystal Olds accidentally sent heart emoji while looking at previous messages with Ray following her departure from Antioch Baptist Church]

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Crystal Olds’ Email to Pastor Andrew Ray about Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment and Character” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.