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After our discussions following Pastor Andrew Ray’s messages, Matthew Olds and I agreed to post a public apology on Facebook, particularly since we were told that our entire church deserved an apology. Where better to start than in the same place that the first post went up? Upon posting it, I started a message group between Pastor Ray, Douglas Stauffer, Matthew Olds (husband) and Crystal Olds (me), and informed Ray and Stauffer that I had posted an apology. Considering Stauffer twisted Will Hess’ comments and my reply to him, I needed to make sure that they understood that I had no control over other people and how they commented. This, of course, would put anyone on edge who is more concerned about their reputation than the truth, but I wanted to be proactive this time.

Stauffer found ways to twist my apology, the intents of the commenters, and the consequences of my post, most likely in order to shape Pastor Ray’s perspective, and attempt to restrain me from ever speaking out against him again. According to Psychology Today, “gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality… it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed” (“11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting”).  Stauffer used the hearts of the pastor and the teenagers as “ammunition” against my initial intent, thereby taking the focus off his actions. His words said he desired reconciliation and for the division to stop, but his actions said otherwise, particularly as he continued to attack me, just as he attacked the people that left from behind the pulpit. Even when it came to commenters who were trying to encourage me or speak their own minds, Stauffer purported that they desired to pastor-bash in order to negate the validity of their statements. Furthermore, I feel he attempted to align Pastor Ray against my family, lest Pastor Ray see the reality of Stauffer’s manipulation and desire for power.

To make matters worse, after Matt repeatedly requested that neither one of us be contacted while Matt is at work, Douglas Stauffer decided to go around my husband (Matthew), and continue to harass and manipulate me outside of the view of my husband and the pastor. This will be discussed further in the next post: Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment Crosses Another Line.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

 Private Messages Between Matt and Crystal Olds, Pastor Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer

Crystal Olds (June 4, 2019 at 11:26pm): For Pastor and Stauffer:
I have posted an apology for those at church on Facebook. I was never my intent to hurt anyone there. Please apologize to [Mary*] especially for me.
After talking with Matt, there is, however, something that needs to be clarified. Will Hess is the one that brought up Matt 18, not me, but when I responded, it was meant to be a question for clarification. “Doesn’t Matt 18 say…” Even Matt said it wasn’t clear and didn’t come across that way at all. I was trying to be careful in how I responded, but instead, it wasn’t clear. That said, I never purposefully accused you of not following that passage.

As for Stauffer, if anything was ill-advised in your view, I apologize.

And pastor… I don’t know what they say to other people and I don’t care, but the Williams* have truly tried to only lift everybody up. Near the end of last year, when people would go to Tara* for advice, she advised anyone that came to her to try to remember/see the good that they have experienced at Antioch. And the Martins*?  They have never told us why they left, only that something happened and it hurt.

Please note that I will *not* [be] responding to anything until Matt is off from work tomorrow.

Crystal Olds (June 4 at 11:32): I forgot to add on this that while I have posted an apology, I Have no control over how people respond to it. There are several not even associated with our church, who know absolutely nothing about the situation, who have commented their opinions.

Crystal (June 4, 2018 at 11:53pm): [Sent thumbs-up icon]

Matt (June 5, 2018 at 5:36am): Hon, did you mean to thit hat like button? I personally find those emojis or reactions or whatever they are called to be very annoying when scrolling through long posts and messages.

Crystal (June 5, 2018 at 5:38am): No, I didn’t. Hit it Sunday night too.

 

 

 

 

Matt (June 5 at 5:41am): KK. Well, I will be leaving for work in a bit and will be unreachable until I am off work around 5. It is my utmost desire that there are no attempts to message us until I am off work. At that time I will most likely be reaching out to one of you by phone.

Douglas (June 5 at 5:43am): I have refrained from public comment although I find these unchecked comments quite disturbing. “Some leaders cannot take anyone voicing their opinion when it differs from theirs.” And “I stand by what I wrote and could say a whole lot more but won’t do so here.”

Both public posts are the reason this situation has been blown out of proportion. I could comment on the post but than it just degrades into people commenting on things with no knowledge and a desire to pastor-bash which is quite prevalent. 

From this second post, Crystal has been wronged by the pastor who asked her to take down the post. Crystal is the valiant hero because she stood up against the tyrannical church leadership. 

I am simply further disgusted and doing all I can not to comment publicly because it very rarely helps. You two need to fix this with the truth. You wrote when you should have never done such a thing and now Bro. Ray Is being judged by dozens of others that have NO CLUE what took place. But again, you are trying to fix something that should never have been posted in the first place.

 

 

 

 

Matt (June 5 at 5:49am): Well, I am off to work. I will review all when I return.

***Crystal Olds (June 5 at 8:54am): [Posted screenshot of Stauffer’s private message to Crystal Olds.]***

 

 

 

 

“11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment Crosses Another Line” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Already emotional from the stress of Douglas Stauffer’s messages not being allowed to explain or defend myself, my heart broke when Matthew Olds showed me the messages from Pastor Andrew Ray on Monday evening.  I still firmly believed Stauffer’s actions were wrong, his messages manipulative and deceitful, and that he needed to be held accountable for his actions, but I never meant the heartache it caused my pastor’s family or the teens in our church, especially not the pastor’s daughter, Mary*. I truly believed Stauffer was behind several of the people leaving, and I could not understand how my post blew out of proportion to hurting my entire church. That evening, I wrote a public apology for Facebook and took down my first post. I also created a Facebook Messenger group with Doug Stauffer, Andrew Ray, Matt Olds, and myself, to apologize again and let them know a public apology was online.

My friend’s responses were encouraging and helpful as my head went around in circles trying to figure out the whirlwind around me. In response to a comment on my public apology, Walter Gibson* commented within the ongoing discussion and I sent him a private message about the current situation, giving very little detail. Our conversation was peaceful, cordial and friendly, just as interactions between our families had always been at church. Walter Gibson’s* commenting, however, is important to note because Pastor Andrew Ray will bring this up in a later meeting to say Walter Gibson* is probably the first person that Matthew Olds should apologize to before continuing on to the other men of the church and inquiring as to whom he should apologize to next.

As will be shown in the next set of messages, Stauffer again twisted my words to say that the public apology [shown below] placed the blame on Pastor Ray and made me the victim. As a result, near the end of the comments, my husband requested that people refrain from commenting further and the post had to be replaced once again.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Crystal Olds (Jun 4- PM) I have taken down my previous post because Pastor informed us that people were hurt by it because it re-opened wounds. That was never my intent and I truly apologize for that. You guys are our church family and it was never meant to take sides between who was right and who was wrong between those who left, and those who are still here. In fact, anyone that we have fellowshipped with and are close to that have left, have done their best to uplift the members of Antioch and to try not to say anything negative about the church, despite any hurt that they may have endured as well.

Will Hess: Your original post was encouraging unity and uplifting fallen brethren, correct? I don’t know how anyone would be offended by that…

Will Hess (Replying to Will Hess): Maybe what people are feeling is conviction so are rejecting that conviction and instead choosing to be offended.

Commenter #1 Wow that makes me really sad. I would hate to think I could not speak my mind in a loving way without someone being offended. You’re prob going to get scolded for this post too. ☹
Commenter #2 (Replying to Commenter# 1): Some leaders cannot take anyone voicing their opinions when it differs from theirs.

Walter Gibson* (Antioch Baptist Church Member): Read carefully. It is not his opinion that was voiced but others. Pleas make sure all context is considered in this situation.
Commenter #2 (Replying to Walter Gibson*): I stand by what I wrote and could say a whole lot more but won’t do so here.
Walter Gibson* (Replying to Commenter# 1): I understand and respect that. I could also do the same… 

Crystal Olds (Replying to Walter Gibson*): Walter Gibson*was there a men’s meeting?
Walter Gibson* (Replying to Crystal Olds): No. Nothing of the sorts. I just wanted to make sure context was being considered. The best thing is probably all involved (self included) stepping back and taking a chill pill. I think this is the whole point of 1 Corinthians 3 this week. Put aside differences and just move forward.

Crystal Olds (Replying to Walter Gibson*): [Walter Gibson*] Thank you, and completely agreed on all points… I want to supply context, but I fear it would only make matters worse in the process of trying to make things right. I mentioned Pastor because he did bring to our attention how my initial post hurt others in the church and I’m glad that he did so we can try to make that right. For context, my initial post was NOT about pastor. 
Commenter #3 (Replying to Commenter #2): It seems people today are easily offended by any and everything. 
Commenter #2 (Replying to Commenter #1): There was nothing bad about Crystal’s original post.

Crystal Olds (Replying to Commenter #2): This was just updating a minute ago (your comment was about ten minutes ago), but my husband is asking that all people please stop commenting. His comment is at the bottom.

 Miranda Crawford* :You have a precious heart, Crystal.

Commenter #5: People need to toughen up and move on with their lives. Here we are supposedly warriors for Christ… but words hurt.

Crystal Olds: For the sake of context, as I just said in another comment, I want to supply context but I fear it would only make matters worse in the process of trying to make things right. I mentioned Pastor because he did bring to our attention how my initial post…

Jeremy Crawford* (Replying to Crystal Olds): Oh, by the way, it wasn’t you that opened up the old wounds… was it?

Matt Olds: I only have a moment while I am on break, [to inform] that my wife will also be taking this down per her Authority’s request (that is to say, her hubby). She has to get the kiddos fed and in bed and that takes a lot of attention at their ages. Please refrain from responding on it as others are being hurt. I am sorry that all sides are hurting. It is not the Pastor that has said anything. He has been good and gracious. My aim and prayer is still that of reconciliation.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer Twists Crystal Olds’ Public Apology” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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After Matthew Olds came home in the evening, we finally had the opportunity to discuss the events of the last thirty-six hours. We discussed not only Douglas Stauffer’s harassment, haughtiness, and twisting of words and circumstances, but Matt showed me Pastor Andrew Ray’s messages to him from earlier in the afternoon. Everything changed.

On top of the intense stress and frustration from Stauffer that I struggled to manage, compounded further by not being allowed to speak, I finally came to a breaking point seeing my pastor’s pain, coupled with the cuts of his betrayal. Because I was still instructed not to speak, and I was attempting to follow my church’s supposed biblical stance on submission, Matt responded to Pastor with his own opinions and emotions after an exhausting day.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Matt (June 4 at 7:52pm): It makes it harder to see when individuals are trying to make things right on social media when you’ve unfriended them.

But since you have had your entire family unfriend my wife, its only fair that you treat me the same. I know that she hurt a lot of people, but you sir have evened the score. Great job. I have so many thoughts that I want to say right now, but it would just be turned around to say that I am complaining, so I will say this, i am praying for the church and that with the Lords help reconciliation will occur… In time. 

 

Matt (June 4 at 9:18pm): As far as seeking my pastors advise on whether to break off relationships with those that have left, i vividly remember asking you whether they were being disciplined, and you said no, but that every story has at least two sides. I have done my best not to hear either story, and they have not tried to tell me their story. They have spoken well of the church. Many of them still say that they love you all. If you saw the writing you never communicated it, even when the door was wide opened for it.

We never meant to hurt you or your family.

 

Matt (June 4): I cannot speak for my wife and she cannot speak to you on fb as you have defriended (disassociated) yourselves from her, but i am so sorry that we have caused your family and our church family harm.

[No further response from Pastor Andrew Ray through Messenger]

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Crystal Olds’ First Facebook Apology Post” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.