After our discussions following Pastor Andrew Ray’s messages, Matthew Olds and I agreed to post a public apology on Facebook, particularly since we were told that our entire church deserved an apology. Where better to start than in the same place that the first post went up? Upon posting it, I started a message group between Pastor Ray, Douglas Stauffer, Matthew Olds (husband) and Crystal Olds (me), and informed Ray and Stauffer that I had posted an apology. Considering Stauffer twisted Will Hess’ comments and my reply to him, I needed to make sure that they understood that I had no control over other people and how they commented. This, of course, would put anyone on edge who is more concerned about their reputation than the truth, but I wanted to be proactive this time.
Stauffer found ways to twist my apology, the intents of the commenters, and the consequences of my post, most likely in order to shape Pastor Ray’s perspective, and attempt to restrain me from ever speaking out against him again. According to Psychology Today, “gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality… it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed” (“11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting”). Stauffer used the hearts of the pastor and the teenagers as “ammunition” against my initial intent, thereby taking the focus off his actions. His words said he desired reconciliation and for the division to stop, but his actions said otherwise, particularly as he continued to attack me, just as he attacked the people that left from behind the pulpit. Even when it came to commenters who were trying to encourage me or speak their own minds, Stauffer purported that they desired to pastor-bash in order to negate the validity of their statements. Furthermore, I feel he attempted to align Pastor Ray against my family, lest Pastor Ray see the reality of Stauffer’s manipulation and desire for power.
To make matters worse, after Matt repeatedly requested that neither one of us be contacted while Matt is at work, Douglas Stauffer decided to go around my husband (Matthew), and continue to harass and manipulate me outside of the view of my husband and the pastor. This will be discussed further in the next post: Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment Crosses Another Line.
**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**
Private Messages Between Matt and Crystal Olds, Pastor Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer
Crystal Olds (June 4, 2019 at 11:26pm): For Pastor and Stauffer:
I have posted an apology for those at church on Facebook. I was never my intent to hurt anyone there. Please apologize to [Mary*] especially for me.
After talking with Matt, there is, however, something that needs to be clarified. Will Hess is the one that brought up Matt 18, not me, but when I responded, it was meant to be a question for clarification. “Doesn’t Matt 18 say…” Even Matt said it wasn’t clear and didn’t come across that way at all. I was trying to be careful in how I responded, but instead, it wasn’t clear. That said, I never purposefully accused you of not following that passage.
As for Stauffer, if anything was ill-advised in your view, I apologize.
And pastor… I don’t know what they say to other people and I don’t care, but the Williams* have truly tried to only lift everybody up. Near the end of last year, when people would go to Tara* for advice, she advised anyone that came to her to try to remember/see the good that they have experienced at Antioch. And the Martins*? They have never told us why they left, only that something happened and it hurt.
Please note that I will *not* [be] responding to anything until Matt is off from work tomorrow.
Crystal Olds (June 4 at 11:32): I forgot to add on this that while I have posted an apology, I Have no control over how people respond to it. There are several not even associated with our church, who know absolutely nothing about the situation, who have commented their opinions.
Crystal (June 4, 2018 at 11:53pm): [Sent thumbs-up icon]
Matt (June 5, 2018 at 5:36am): Hon, did you mean to thit hat like button? I personally find those emojis or reactions or whatever they are called to be very annoying when scrolling through long posts and messages.
Crystal (June 5, 2018 at 5:38am): No, I didn’t. Hit it Sunday night too.
Matt (June 5 at 5:41am): KK. Well, I will be leaving for work in a bit and will be unreachable until I am off work around 5. It is my utmost desire that there are no attempts to message us until I am off work. At that time I will most likely be reaching out to one of you by phone.
Douglas (June 5 at 5:43am): I have refrained from public comment although I find these unchecked comments quite disturbing. “Some leaders cannot take anyone voicing their opinion when it differs from theirs.” And “I stand by what I wrote and could say a whole lot more but won’t do so here.”
Both public posts are the reason this situation has been blown out of proportion. I could comment on the post but than it just degrades into people commenting on things with no knowledge and a desire to pastor-bash which is quite prevalent.
From this second post, Crystal has been wronged by the pastor who asked her to take down the post. Crystal is the valiant hero because she stood up against the tyrannical church leadership.
I am simply further disgusted and doing all I can not to comment publicly because it very rarely helps. You two need to fix this with the truth. You wrote when you should have never done such a thing and now Bro. Ray Is being judged by dozens of others that have NO CLUE what took place. But again, you are trying to fix something that should never have been posted in the first place.
Matt (June 5 at 5:49am): Well, I am off to work. I will review all when I return.
***Crystal Olds (June 5 at 8:54am): [Posted screenshot of Stauffer’s private message to Crystal Olds.]***
“11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting.
In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s Harassment Crosses Another Line” or click on the link below.
For a list of the complete series, click here.
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