“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Ephesians 5:22-24
Despite the controversies of the application of leadership and submission in the husband-wife relationship, Paul states clearly in Ephesians that wives are to submit themselves unto their own husbands. At Antioch Baptist Church, the concept of husbands leading and the wives submitting is taken to an extreme, resulting in men who are constantly under pressure to be masculine, yet paranoid of manipulation, and women who are secluded, limited, and viewed as unable to think for themselves outside of the guide of their own husband. Though stated differently from the pulpit, the application results in women with limited personality and hesitation to speak, even when called upon.
Women are taught that they emotionally lead their husbands through their tears, whether intentional or not, and that the husband is the “husbandman” who is supposed to care for the vineyard. He is supposed to overturn any stones, pull out the weeds, and see to the development of the fruit. In a later meeting, Pastor Andrew Ray told us that while a husband is away providing for the family, the devil will use social media and the television to work in the wife’s mind, and thus be able to negatively influence her husband. At Antioch, there are no deacons, only men’s meetings, and the men go back and report to their wives about the meetings, should they chose to do so. In terms of the business meetings, women express their opinions in the afternoon, and men give voice to any grievances during the church-wide business meeting in the evening before voting.
In an environment based heavily in patriarchy, Douglas Stauffer chose not only to harass my husband and I over the course of a few days, but he took it a step further to go directly around my husband, Matthew Olds, who clearly stated not to contact either one of us while Matt was at work. I was under direct orders not to reply to any of his messages and allow Matt to handle it when he returned from work. Because of this, I took screenshots of Stauffer’s private message (sent only to me), and placed it back in the group with Matthew Olds, Pastor Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer. I then took a screen shot of Matt’s request for us not to be contacted, and sent them in BOTH sets of private messages, including the one just between me and Stauffer, and the one with Pastor Ray, Stauffer, and my husband.
When I brought Matt’s request back to Stauffer’s attention, Stauffer’s response was, “So, what Matt requests is the only thing that matters?” Allow me to finally answer: Yes, Douglas Stauffer, it is. We strive to work together as husband and wife. Unless your name is on my marriage license, which thankfully it is not, you have absolutely no ground to stand on in my life.”
Douglas Stauffer was a man without any authority, merely bearing the title of head of the mission department. His ‘position’ did not give him the right to act in the pastor’s stead, and even if it did, even a pastor does not have the grounds to overstep one’s individual soul liberty. By the afternoon, however, my husband pleaded with me to remove my apology post and to make one final post with his request for no one else to comment further. For the sake of my husband and my marriage, I conceded, but Stauffer found a way to twist my third post as well.
Stauffer succeeded in his using his assumed position to manipulate, control, and threaten my family into silent submission, by going through my husband who had had little experience with spiritually abusive men like Douglas Stauffer.
**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**
Douglas Stauffer (June 5 at 8:25am): May I suggest deleting your post… I am not including Matt in this for the simple reason he is at work. I want to publicly handle this but then I am simply compounding the problem that you created with your first post and subsequent posts. My hope and prayer is that you learn from this and think twice before ever hitting “enter” when you could have easily come to me and asked me why I said what I said. The answer would have probably shocked you and had NOTHING to do with the Crawfords*, Martins*, Wilsons*, and Warners*.
At 8:54am (June 5), I, Crystal Olds, posted a screen of Stauffer’s private message to me into the group with Matthew Olds, Pastor Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer:
At 9:06am (June 5), in the group with Matthew Olds, Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer, I posted a screenshot of Matthew Olds’ request for neither Ray nor Stauffer to contact either one of us while he is at work. I re-posted the same screenshot with red outline to clearly highlight Matthew Olds’ previous request.
At 9:15am, Stauffer responds in the main group, “So, what Matt requests is the only thing that matters?”
Douglas Stauffer (June 5 at 9:15am): [Responds in main group] “So, what Matt requests is the only thing that matters?
Have you considered those to whom this applies…like Mary*?
People need to toughen up and move on with their lives. Here we are supposedly warriors for Christ… but words hurt. [Quote from Commenter #4]
You do whatever you want. If the post is up when I return from church, I will express, Lord willing, my public thoughts on what you have done by creating the divisiveness in the church. I found out this morning that the young people are all talking about it and you simply have no clue. How sad!”
At 9:17, I re-posted the red-outlined screenshot of Matt’s request to not contact us into the private messages between Stauffer and me.
At 9:18, I responded in the group with Matthew Olds, Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer by posting a larger version of red-outlined screenshot of Matt’s request for them not to contact us. Following this, Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer left the group. The kicker, however, is that in the meetings to follow, they both say that they left because the situation was a “set-up.”
During my husband’s break time, Matt pleaded with me to instruct people to refrain from commenting on my apology post and remove it, and that he would request everyone to stop commenting. I conceded, once again, for my husband’s sake, but Stauffer still got what he wanted and desired from it.
Crystal Olds: “Per my husband’s request, I have removed the post with [the] apology we were requested to make. Please do not comment on this post. I have copy and pasted his words below:
“I only have a moment while I am [on] break, [to inform] that my wife will also be taking this one down per her Authority’s request (that is to say, her hubby). She has to get the kiddos fed and in bed and that takes a lot of attention at their ages. Please refrain from responding on it as others are being hurt. I am sorry that all sides are hurting. It is not the Pastor that has said anything. He has been good and gracious. My aim and prayer is still that of reconciliation.”
In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: The Olds’ House Divided” or click on the link below.
For a list of the complete series, click here.
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