Trudging down the interstate to the Tuesday evening Bible conference, Matthew Olds and I seemed to take turns drifting off in a distant daze, trying to make sense of the last few days. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. How did it become a muddled chaos when I merely questioned a man who was using the pulpit at our church in a wicked manner? How does my pastor not see my heart in this? Peering out the window at the familiar terrain, eyes still red and puffy from countless hours of tears, all I desired was for the situation to calm down and for my church family to be comforted somehow. I also longed for my intentions to be understood and represented clearly. By this point, unfortunately, Douglas Stauffer had done his best to rip me apart piece by piece in a slew of lies and deceit, and he seemed to have Pastor Andrew Ray wrapped around his finger. Although I was familiar with the world’s game for power-play, and I knew from watching my father that men like Stauffer do not “play fair,” my husband and I had starkly different viewpoints on how to deal with him.
A Game of Chess
Back in public high school, I requested an alternate reading for English class because of the sensual descriptions of a man’s passionate poems to his third wife, while committing adultery on his second wife. Being in the second class of the International Baccalaureate (IB) diploma programme in my county, my high school did not want to budge despite my legal right to have an alternative reading. 
After submitting a written request to substitute a different piece of literature, the head of the IB program attempted to ridicule my convictions as a Christian, focusing on my lack of capitalization and underlining of the word “Bible” in my written request. Upon entering the principal’s office with my parents, the three chairs near the door faced toward another set of three chairs near the center of the room that were angled directly towards the ones closest to us. My father, a military man trained in interrogation techniques, did something I have never forgotten. He had my mom and I sit down in two of the chairs next to each other, and he went and sat in the farthest seat to the right of the three near the center of the room, changing the entire atmosphere. After the meeting was over, my father explained how the chairs were originally set up as a form of intimidation, with the three of them banded against us. By changing the seating, it not only changed the dynamic of the room, but forced their attention to be divided between different people in the room. This was the beginning of a valuable lesson about how the world plays for control like a chess game. My dad knew that the program director was the “weak link” whose superior opinion had to be heard, and the one who would become flustered easily. In the end, she was the one who made the illegal statement that brought the whole subject to a close in our favor because the law was on our side. Unfortunately, in June of 2018, I knew that the weakest link was me.
The Weakest Link
Doug Stauffer, also a man with military training, had already assumed a position of control by believing himself to have the authority to say we MUST meet before attending any other services, and attempting to dictate anything I put forth publicly. Furthermore, it was obvious to me that he showed no respect for my family or our boundaries. My husband, on the other hand, naturally saw the best in people because he did not have a history of dealing with spiritual abuse like I had, and thus could not see the forest for the trees. How does Matt not see that this whole situation is like a game to Stauffer, a sick power struggle that needs to be handled in a different manner than deferring and rolling over dead? Stauffer had already successfully used my husband, Matt, to influence and control my actions according to Stauffer’s wishes, from taking down the first post, to posting a specifically worded apology, and even in demanding a meeting right away. In spite of Stauffer’s actions, my husband’s greatest desire, as always, was to please the Lord no matter how the pieces fell because of it. He desired to resolve the situation peacefully and respectfully by following the assumed proper chain of order and command, and I feel Stauffer used that to his advantage.
My thought processes at the time, unfortunately, were an emotional bombshell and roller coaster, ready to break down weeping or shoot-off in anger at any moment. Though I had a grasp on managing the power plays of a man like Stauffer because of my father’s training, I was breaking down and bawling at the drop of a hat from the stress and multi-faceted struggles in my church family and home. How does my husband not realize that we need to wait before meeting with Douglas Stauffer because I am not emotionally ready?
I knew that in this meeting, Stauffer automatically had the upper hand because Matt and I were going in with stark disadvantages, the greatest ones being that we were completely divided on how to reach our common goal for peace in our church, and that we had not had enough time to process the whirlwind of the last few days.
Just within the time it took to drive to the church, Matt and I would make a statement or realization, beginning to make sense of one minuscule aspect of the web of information and lies, only to be drawn back into the confusion Douglas Stauffer had created. We knew the circumstances, but struggled with producing communicable, coherent thoughts in the midst of Stauffer’s riling accusations.
From my father’s training, I knew that Doug Stauffer was the type of man, who, if not given the reaction he desired, would eventually show his true colors, but waiting required the emotional and mental stamina Stauffer had already successfully dismantled. Not to mention that my husband wanted this resolved as quickly as possible so he could attend the Bible Conference. We need more time to process through everything so we can be prepared to go into the lion’s den with clear heads.
Almost to the Church
We crawled past the duck pond and drove slowly up the well-traveled hill in East Knoxville toward Antioch Baptist Church. What are we walking into? What lies will Doug Stauffer conjure up from this meeting as well? We definitely need a witness that will be impartial to both sides, but who? Who can we ask at a moment’s notice? Is there is even one person that is not deeply hurt? Over the last two days, Stauffer and Pastor Andrew Ray had made it appear as though the entire church was hurting, when, in reality, it was just mainly the inner circle.
We developed a basic plan going forward with topics to cover, following my husband’s plan, desire and plea for reconciliation so we could continue attending Bible Conference week. As we pulled up behind the church building to the front entrance, the lumps in our throats grew larger and more suffocating, while the knots in our stomachs tightened till we could barely breathe. Though I had already refused to apologize to Stauffer again, and was firm on demanding an apology from Stauffer, I conceded to trying to be civil, strive for reconciliation, and more than anything, follow my husband’s lead.
We decided on a potential impartial witness: a friend but also someone who seemed to respect Stauffer. Strangely enough, Douglas Stauffer had already chosen the same witness, something that should have been a red flag more than a relief at the time.
In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Face-to-Face with Douglas Stauffer” or click on the link below.
For a list of the complete series, click here.
********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.
