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**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

As we walked into Pastor Andrew Ray’s office, the room Douglas Stauffer had already overtaken for his video streams, Doug Stauffer sat behind the pastor’s desk with two chairs directly in front of him, set-up like children in the principal’s office. The witness, Grayson Campbell*, stood by the door just behind us to our left.

As we began, Stauffer pulled out a recorder and placed in on the table, instantly setting off the ticking time bomb inside of me, ready to go off at any moment. I demanded that he put the recorder away before we began because he never asked permission to record the meeting. Little did we know that Tennessee only required a one-party consent for recording, and that was likely the reason Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer usually placed a phone on top of the table during a meeting.

For me to say this meeting was a calm, cake-walk would be a blatant lie because the emotions of both parties involved were explosive, firing off at various points through the meeting. Behind the pastor’s desk sat an imperious man, threatened by a woman who dared to speak out, but that woman, though she struggled to never be silenced again, was being pressured heavily on all sides to make the meeting “productive” through passive submission, lest it affect her husband’s service in ministry even more. Tensions between Stauffer and I were strong to the point of Stauffer and I practically yelling at each other. While I was firmly demanding that Stauffer stop interrupting, Stauffer was purporting, “I can do whatever I want!” Shortly after Stauffer’s statement, Matt finally raised his voice for BOTH of us to calm down and stop. Because I felt the burden of my husband’s desire to serve and to attend services, I forced myself to calm down enough to have a tense, yet half-way decent conversation with Stauffer.

Doug Stauffer justified his comments on Sunday, claiming his statements dealt with someone who, over the weekend, had said negative things about the church’s pet project, a new hymn book. Stauffer also revealed that they were about to come down on somebody else. He claimed he was thinking about that person when he made the statement during the message on Sunday, but did not want the person to have a heads up.

As for Doug Stauffer admitting his wrong-doing in the harassment and going explicitly around my husband to continue to harass me, Stauffer temporarily threw us off track from the reality of his actions just long enough by stating it was not a more extreme course of action. He exclaimed, “It was not like I made a pass at your wife!” The fact that there was no sexual intent, nor even accusation of sexual intent, does not negate the severity of his actions. Nor does it negate his lack of respect for our family’s boundaries and well-being.

As Doug Stauffer discussed his interactions with those who left in the fall of 2017, he claimed that he went to great lengths to help-out Dennis* and Celine Martin*, only to be stabbed in the back. He boasted of the thousands of dollars he lent to them, but then made it seem as though they never paid him back. Allow me to set the story straight: The Martins paid him back all of the money he loaned them and then some! Stauffer also attempted to claim that Dennis Martin had a poor work ethic, even though Stauffer was paying him well in an attempt to help Dennis’ family out financially. Yes, he lent them a van in a time of need, and yes, Stauffer hired Dennis likely because Dennis needed the work and the money. Last I checked, however, continually standing over a carpenter’s shoulder for all hours of the day, hounding him about how to do his own job, does not equate to compassion and Christian decency. Also bear in mind that Stauffer’s attempts to reconcile after they left (because of conflict with the pastor’s family), consisted of showing up at their doorstep and demanding his money immediately, even if it meant endangering the Martin’s children by pushing to break laws that established the minimum requirements for car seat safety.

Coming back to Doug Stauffer’s actions within the last few days, Stauffer did actually apologize for what he said on Sunday from the pulpit, agreed to meet our demands to edit the sermon videos, and he even apologized for what he said in his Facebook messages to me. Prior to meeting, however, Stauffer’s apologies merely covered if we considered his comments “ill-advised,” making it no surprise that Stauffer repeatedly backtracked and defended his actions as defending the pastor on multiple occasions within the same meeting.

I feel Doug Stauffer shifted the focus off of his own actions through emotional manipulation by magnifying the burden I supposedly placed on the pastor, a man Matt and I both cared about deeply.  Stauffer claimed that Pastor Ray’s blood pressure was up because of the results of my original Facebook post, and that Pastor Ray had said, “You better deal with this or I will.”

I feel Stauffer may have taken advantage of Pastor Andrew Ray’s statement to deal with the situation as a license to act in the position and power of the pastor. On the other hand, Stauffer appeared especially concerned about any of this situation, particularly lack of reconciliation from the present meeting, coming back and adding more stress on our Pastor. Looking back, we feel bringing Doug Stauffer’s actions to light threatened Stauffer’s reputation and standing with the pastor.

As things eventually calmed down, my husband Matt personally needed to ask Stauffer about his deceitfulness in a meeting two years prior, just before our family’s mission trip to Africa. It turns out, from the beginning, Stauffer doubted the authenticity of my husband’s desire to go to Africa for his missions internship because Matt was doubling as using it as a survey trip to the country we believed God had called us to. There will be more on this later, but it helped to finally hear him admit his hand in the meeting, revealing he was, in fact, purposefully working against us and our efforts to get to the field. He believed that if he would have been able to discourage us then, how would we have handle discouragement in the future. Keep in mind that this is coming from the same man that said a pastor’s job in the United States is more difficult than the job of a missionary on a foreign field, even though, he personally, would never go to Africa.

Unfortunately, for both me and my husband, neither one of us possessed the necessary skills to process the intricacies of a meeting like this until after we were out of the situation and had an opportunity to truly look back and analyze the reality of what was said and done. We left the meeting believing we had all made some progress going forward and made some form of reconciliation. We actually thought we could let some of our defenses down toward Stauffer and I had finally conceded to apologize to him for my initial post on Facebook, again.

One of several blaring red flags should have been when Doug Stauffer said that he believes in going into meetings like this with “a heavy hand.” That is certainly the biblical precedent, correct? Instead, we took things in and kept a tunnel vision towards the goal of reconciliation, believing we could start moving forward.  I even remember calling my father after the meeting to tell him that while we were still in a bit of a daze and fog, that it all went well in that end.

Because we missed how Doug Stauffer shifted any subject away from the consequences of HIS own actions, and blamed any negative effects on my actions, it was not until after Matt met with Pastor Andrew Ray the same evening that we realized the meeting was not truly about reconciliation at all.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Reduced to Being the Pastor’s Cheerleader” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Trudging down the interstate to the Tuesday evening Bible conference, Matthew Olds and I seemed to take turns drifting off in a distant daze, trying to make sense of the last few days.  I never meant for anyone to get hurt. How did it become a muddled chaos when I merely questioned a man who was using the pulpit at our church in a wicked manner? How does my pastor not see my heart in this? Peering out the window at the familiar terrain, eyes still red and puffy from countless hours of tears, all I desired was for the situation to calm down and for my church family to be comforted somehow. I also longed for my intentions to be understood and represented clearly. By this point, unfortunately, Douglas Stauffer had done his best to rip me apart piece by piece in a slew of lies and deceit, and he seemed to have Pastor Andrew Ray wrapped around his finger. Although I was familiar with the world’s game for power-play, and I knew from watching my father that men like Stauffer do not “play fair,” my husband and I had starkly different viewpoints on how to deal with him.

A Game of Chess

Back in public high school, I requested an alternate reading for English class because of the sensual descriptions of a man’s passionate poems to his third wife, while committing adultery on his second wife. Being in the second class of the International Baccalaureate (IB) diploma programme in my county, my high school did not want to budge despite my legal right to have an alternative reading. After submitting a written request to substitute a different piece of literature, the head of the IB  program attempted to ridicule my convictions as a Christian, focusing on my lack of capitalization and underlining of the word “Bible” in my written request. Upon entering the principal’s office with my parents, the three chairs near the door faced toward another set of three chairs near the center of the room that were angled directly towards the ones closest to us. My father, a military man trained in interrogation techniques, did something I have never forgotten. He had my mom and I sit down in two of the chairs next to each other, and he went and sat in the farthest seat to the right of the three near the center of the room, changing the entire atmosphere. After the meeting was over, my father explained how the chairs were originally set up as a form of intimidation, with the three of them banded against us. By changing the seating, it not only changed the dynamic of the room, but forced their attention to be divided between different people in the room. This was the beginning of a valuable lesson about how the world plays for control like a chess game. My dad knew that the program director was the “weak link” whose superior opinion had to be heard, and the one who would become flustered easily. In the end,  she was the one who made the illegal statement that brought the whole subject to a close in our favor because the law was on our side. Unfortunately, in June of 2018, I knew that the weakest link was me. 

The Weakest Link

Doug Stauffer, also a man with military training, had already assumed a position of control by believing himself to have the authority to say we MUST meet before attending any other services, and attempting to dictate anything I put forth publicly. Furthermore, it was obvious to me that he showed no respect for my family or our boundaries. My husband, on the other hand, naturally saw the best in people because he did not have a history of dealing with spiritual abuse like I had, and thus could not see the forest for the trees. How does Matt not see that this whole situation is like a game to Stauffer, a sick power struggle that needs to be handled in a different manner than deferring and rolling over dead?  Stauffer had already successfully used my husband, Matt, to influence and control my actions according to Stauffer’s wishes, from taking down the first post, to posting a specifically worded apology, and even in demanding a meeting right away. In spite of Stauffer’s actions, my husband’s greatest desire, as always, was to please the Lord no matter how the pieces fell because of it. He desired to resolve the situation peacefully and respectfully by following the assumed proper chain of order and command, and I feel Stauffer used that to his advantage.

My thought processes at the time, unfortunately, were an emotional bombshell and roller coaster, ready to break down weeping or shoot-off in anger at any moment. Though I had a grasp on managing the power plays of a man like Stauffer because of my father’s training, I was breaking down and bawling at the drop of a hat from the stress and multi-faceted struggles in my church family and home. How does my husband not realize that we need to wait before meeting with Douglas Stauffer because I am not emotionally ready?

I knew that in this meeting, Stauffer automatically had the upper hand because Matt and I were going in with stark disadvantages, the greatest ones being that we were completely divided on how to reach our common goal for peace in our church, and that we had not had enough time to process the whirlwind of the last few days.

Just within the time it took to drive to the church, Matt and I would make a statement or realization, beginning to make sense of one minuscule aspect of the web of information and lies, only to be drawn back into the confusion Douglas Stauffer had created. We knew the circumstances, but struggled with producing communicable, coherent thoughts in the midst of Stauffer’s riling accusations.

From my father’s training, I knew that Doug Stauffer was the type of man, who, if not given the reaction he desired, would eventually show his true colors, but waiting required the emotional and mental stamina Stauffer had already successfully dismantled. Not to mention that my husband wanted this resolved as quickly as possible so he could attend the Bible Conference. We need more time to process through everything so we can be prepared to go into the lion’s den with clear heads.

Almost to the Church

We crawled past the duck pond and drove slowly up the well-traveled hill in East Knoxville toward Antioch Baptist Church. What are we walking into? What lies will Doug Stauffer conjure up from this meeting as well? We definitely need a witness that will be impartial to both sides, but who? Who can we ask at a moment’s notice? Is there is even one person that is not deeply hurt? Over the last two days, Stauffer and Pastor Andrew Ray had made it appear as though the entire church was hurting, when, in reality, it was just mainly the inner circle.

We developed a basic plan going forward with topics to cover, following my husband’s plan, desire and plea for reconciliation so we could continue attending Bible Conference week. As we pulled up behind the church building to the front entrance, the lumps in our throats grew larger and more suffocating, while the knots in our stomachs tightened till we could barely breathe. Though I had already refused to apologize to Stauffer again, and was firm on demanding an apology from Stauffer, I conceded to trying to be civil, strive for reconciliation, and more than anything, follow my husband’s lead.

We decided on a potential impartial witness: a friend but also someone who seemed to respect Stauffer. Strangely enough, Douglas Stauffer had already chosen the same witness, something that should have been a red flag more than a relief at the time.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Face-to-Face with Douglas Stauffer” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. ²⁴ Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.” Ephesians 5:22-24

Despite the controversies of the application of leadership and submission in the husband-wife relationship, Paul states clearly in Ephesians that wives are to submit themselves unto their own husbands. At Antioch Baptist Church, the concept of husbands leading and the wives submitting is taken to an extreme, resulting in men who are constantly under pressure to be masculine, yet paranoid of manipulation, and women who are secluded, limited, and viewed as unable to think for themselves outside of the guide of their own husband. Though stated differently from the pulpit, the application results in women with limited personality and hesitation to speak, even when called upon.

Women are taught that they emotionally lead their husbands through their tears, whether intentional or not, and that the husband is the “husbandman” who is supposed to care for the vineyard. He is supposed to overturn any stones, pull out the weeds, and see to the development of the fruit. In a later meeting, Pastor Andrew Ray told us that while a husband is away providing for the family, the devil will use social media and the television to work in the wife’s mind, and thus be able to negatively influence her husband. At Antioch, there are no deacons, only men’s meetings, and the men go back and report to their wives about the meetings, should they chose to do so. In terms of the business meetings, women express their opinions in the afternoon, and men give voice to any grievances during the church-wide business meeting in the evening before voting.

In an environment based heavily in patriarchy, Douglas Stauffer chose not only to harass my husband and I over the course of a few days, but he took it a step further to go directly around my husband, Matthew Olds, who clearly stated not to contact either one of us while Matt was at work. I was under direct orders not to reply to any of his messages and allow Matt to handle it when he returned from work. Because of this, I took screenshots of Stauffer’s private message (sent only to me), and placed it back in the group with Matthew Olds, Pastor Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer. I then took a screen shot of Matt’s request for us not to be contacted, and sent them in BOTH sets of private messages, including the one just between me and Stauffer, and the one with Pastor Ray, Stauffer, and my husband.

When I brought Matt’s request back to Stauffer’s attention, Stauffer’s response was, “So, what Matt requests is the only thing that matters?”  Allow me to finally answer: Yes, Douglas Stauffer, it is. We strive  to work together as husband and wife. Unless your name is on my marriage license, which thankfully it is not, you have absolutely no ground to stand on in my life.”

Douglas Stauffer was a man without any authority, merely bearing the title of head of the mission department.  His ‘position’ did not give him the right to act in the pastor’s stead, and even if it did, even a pastor does not have the grounds to overstep one’s individual soul liberty. By the afternoon, however, my husband pleaded with me to remove my apology post and to make one final post with his request for no one else to comment further. For the sake of my husband and my marriage, I conceded, but Stauffer found a way to twist my third post as well.

Stauffer succeeded in his using his assumed position to manipulate, control, and threaten my family into silent submission, by going through my husband who had had little experience with spiritually abusive men like Douglas Stauffer.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Douglas Stauffer (June 5 at 8:25am): May I suggest deleting your post… I am not including Matt in this for the simple reason he is at work. I want to publicly handle this but then I am simply compounding the problem that you created with your first post and subsequent posts. My hope and prayer is that you learn from this and think twice before ever hitting “enter” when you could have easily come to me and asked me why I said what I said. The answer would have probably shocked you and had NOTHING to do with the Crawfords*, Martins*, Wilsons*, and Warners*.  

At 8:54am (June 5), I, Crystal Olds, posted a screen of Stauffer’s private message to me into the group with Matthew Olds, Pastor Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer:

At 9:06am (June 5), in the group with Matthew Olds, Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer, I posted a screenshot of Matthew Olds’ request for neither Ray nor Stauffer to contact either one of us while he is at work. I re-posted the same screenshot with red outline to clearly highlight Matthew Olds’ previous request.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 9:15am, Stauffer responds in the main group, “So, what Matt requests is the only thing that matters?”

Douglas Stauffer (June 5 at 9:15am): [Responds in main group] “So, what Matt requests is the only thing that matters?

Have you considered those to whom this applies…like Mary*?

People need to toughen up and move on with their lives. Here we are supposedly warriors for Christ… but words hurt. [Quote from Commenter #4]

You do whatever you want. If the post is up when I return from church,  I will express, Lord willing, my public thoughts on what you have done by creating the divisiveness in the church. I found out this morning that the young people are all talking about it and you simply have no clue. How sad!”

At 9:17, I re-posted the red-outlined screenshot of Matt’s request to not contact us into the private messages between Stauffer and me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 9:18, I responded in the group with Matthew Olds, Andrew Ray, and Douglas Stauffer by posting a larger version of red-outlined screenshot of Matt’s request for them not to contact us. Following this, Pastor Andrew Ray and Douglas Stauffer left the group. The kicker, however, is that in the meetings to follow, they both say that they left because the situation was a “set-up.”

 

 

 

 

 

During my husband’s break time, Matt pleaded with me to instruct people to refrain from commenting on my apology post and remove it, and that he would request everyone to stop commenting. I conceded, once again, for my husband’s sake, but Stauffer still got what he wanted and desired from it.

Crystal Olds:  “Per my husband’s request, I have removed the post with [the] apology we were requested to make. Please do not comment on this post. I have copy and pasted his words below:

“I only have a moment while I am [on] break, [to inform] that my wife will also be taking this one down per her Authority’s request (that is to say, her hubby). She has to get the kiddos fed and in bed and that takes a lot of attention at their ages. Please refrain from responding on it as others are being hurt. I am sorry that all sides are hurting. It is not the Pastor that has said anything. He has been good and gracious. My aim and prayer is still that of reconciliation.”

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: The Olds’ House Divided” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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