Category: recovery | Page 32 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

In Everything (Give Thanks)

1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you…

For a long time, I resented this verse. It seemed good, until I went through something. Then it kind of stuck on my tongue… one of those things. Kind of like a big spoonful of peanut butter without anything to drink and no jelly. Good, but sticky enough to choke you if you got too much at once. In everything? When I lost something special? When I was betrayed or hurt or lonely? When someone died? Everything? Sick! Crazy, ludicrous, impossible! But then…

It took awhile, but I started looking at the verse differently than what it was generally quoted at me as meaning. God doesn’t expect us to be thankful for the bad things that happen to us, but rather hopes we can be thankful in spite of them- that we can look past the hurts and the confusion and fear, to a God that is bigger than all of those things.

God doesn’t plan for all the bad things that happen in the world. He gave us free will when He put the tree in the garden, and from the time Adam bit its fruit, He has allowed people to decide some things and act on those decisions. Those decisions and their consequences are man’s, not God’s. He didn’t plan for Abel to be killed, or Lot to pitch toward Sodom. He didn’t plan for Babel to be built, Eli’s sons to be corrupt, or Jezebel to murder His prophets. He may have known that they would do those things or could do those things, but He didn’t choose for some people to do bad things to others. Sure, He hardened Pharaoh’s heart- but only to build the Israelites’ trust in Him after a long captivity. There were times that He intervened. But not for ultimate harm. Always for good.

And so I’ve come to view that verse differently. God doesn’t expect me to be thankful for bad things that happen, but to be thankful that He’s with me through the bad times. It’s not a matter of false cheeriness, hiding sorrow behind a smile. It isn’t about denying negative feelings or pretending everything is OK when it isn’t. It’s a matter of trusting Him, of finding in Him some goodness, knowing that when bad things happen, it isn’t because He doesn’t love me or planned for the bad things. He gave us a choice, and someone made the wrong one. I don’t have to be thankful for that; many times that would mean I had to rejoice in someone’s sin. What I do need to at least attempt to do is look past the problems to the One who can solve them, and know He’ll bring me through.

There is only one plan I know God has had since the beginning of time. That plan wasn’t for any of the bad things that have happened in the thousands of years since… no, it was for the best thing that happened in all time. A plan that involved a lamb… and a cross.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #3: Why It May Be Important To Resign Your Membership

I promised to share why I believe there is good reason to formally resign your membership/ties with an unhealthy or abusive church. In doing some research six years ago on a slander lawsuit case involving a pastor in the United Pentecostal Church, it was discovered that it could be an important step in exiting. Please keep in mind while reading this, that I am not an attorney and am simply sharing some things I have learned through research.

I want to make very clear that I am NOT at all encouraging or saying that former members should sue their ex churches, especially not for frivolous things. However, some unhealthy churches can do serious harm to a person who left and there are times when a lawsuit may be appropriate, after much consideration, prayer and soul-searching.

Many do not realize there are legal issues involved with resigning your membership. For instance, if you are a member of an unincorporated church, you could be sued if leadership did something wrong. The church, as it is unincorporated, cannot be sued. This has been upheld in the court system. “Members of an unincorporated association are individually liable for tortious acts of agents or employees of the association if the tort is committed within the scope of their authority.” Golden v. Wilder, 4 S.W.2d 140, 143-44

In fact, this was affirmed in a case against a United Pentecostal Church in Tomball, Texas in 1991. Era L. Hutchins brought a class action lawsuit against Grace Tabernacle United Pentecostal Church, and an employee, Clifford Parker. (At the time, Danny Carpenter was the pastor.) It seems the church was using her property and stopped paying rent. The church had entered into a five-year lease with Hutchins and extended it verbally after five years. It appears for ten years afterward, the church continued payments and then refused starting in 1987. At some point Parker allegedly promised to help with two of the lots and instead took the property at a tax sale.

The church fought allowing Hutchins to file a class action suit, but a Court of Appeals in Texas stated, “In brief, the Church wants both the advantage of an unincorporated entity (no liability for the entity), and at the same time wants the advantage of a corporate entity (no liability for its members).”

I don’t know what happened to her lawsuit for back rent and the trustees allegedly defrauding her out of property. However, this case clearly shows that if you are a member of an unincorporated church, there is the possibility that you could personally be held liable for the wrongdoings of the church. It is definitely something to think about if you are part of an unhealthy church.

There is also a more important legal issue involved which protects you when you resign and has been upheld in various court cases across the USA.

Normally the courts do not become involved in matters between churches and their members, even over discipline. That is part of the separation of church and state in this country. Yet when a person resigns and thus formally cuts ties with a church, that church no longer has freedom to ‘discipline’ them. Things that an unhealthy church might get away with while you are officially a member, legally they no longer have a leg to stand on when you sever those ties. The legal system can and has become involved once one is no longer a member.

Should the former church slander you in such a way as to cause harm or do anything else harmful, you might only be able to combat that legally if you resigned your membership BEFORE those things happened. This came into play with the lawsuit previously mentioned. A former church has no right to deal with you, discipline you, etc. after you resign. If you do not resign membership, the courts view it as you being subject to the discipline of the church.

This link will take you to an article that will shed additional light on the subject, giving some background on legal cases. It is because of these things, that I now feel turning in a letter of resignation is a good idea when leaving an unhealthy or abusive church.

New Thoughts/Old Thoughts

Well, I feel like I’m catching up and “normalizing” some!

Over the last month, and especially in the last week or two, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve found that there are a lot of people that don’t have all the answers, don’t pretend to, and don’t feel they have to.
I’ve met people whose peace doesn’t come from knowing they are perfect, but knowing they don’t need to be.
My goal has become not praying a certain amount of time or doing certain activities or keeping to a certain schedule, but just enjoying everything that is set before me to do.
My friends can now be chosen not based on an itemized list of do’s and don’ts, but on their character.
Fear and worry no longer capitalize my time. Stress no longer wears me down. I’m finally able to breathe! More than that, I’m finally able to live!

Everyone is different. I had questions for years, and mentally began leaving long before I physically walked out. But this is a beautiful place to be. I haven’t left God- I’ve finally found Him. I haven’t backslid– I’m moving forward. Apparently the pastor has made comments about me, marked, labeled, condemned me now. And it doesn’t matter, because he’s wrong, and there is no sin in saying that.

Wow. I guess this is kind of like how a climber feels after a difficult climb- finally reaching the summit. When we were kids, someone would try to get away, and the group would grab them and be pulling them back. When I’d break free, I’d race forward- it was almost like flying. That’s how it feels. Or that minute right after take off- feeling the ground rough beneath the plane and suddenly realizing you’re airborne.

I’ve talked to enough people now that I realize that no one has all the answers. It isn’t that there isn’t “The Truth,” but that the truth is much simpler than all the exegetical, theological debates would like to make it. The people who seem happiest and most satisfied in their faith seem to be those that don’t wrestle with it, who don’t think perfection is the answer. We’re human. None of us is perfect. It’s God’s grace, His sacrifice, His love that are important, not our efforts.

Should we do our best for him? Sure. But nothing we can do will ever equal what He already did for us. Should we seek to know Him more? Of course, but not through great theological debates and discourses. He has all knowledge, so what are our puny thoughts? There is no way we can explain Him, no way we can contain Him with our words, no matter how great and swelling we think they may be. We’re really so little in comparison to the God that made the universe. And yet He gives us an opportunity to know Him. Not know Him scientifically or theologically. He invites us to know Him on a much different level. Personally.

Rich Mullins’ influence, I guess. He had a much different perspective… and there were lots of people that didn’t appreciate it. I can appreciate it, and it’s kind of anchored me a little better, remembering all I used to believe and how rich my faith really was even before I set foot in a Pentecostal church.

After Hardship Comes Ease

Verily, after hardship comes ease. ~ Quran 94:6.

What we are not told is that the “ease” after we leave an abusive church (or other situation) may be awhile coming. It does not (usually) happen the moment we walk out the door of that church.

I think the “ease” comes once we can start to forgive people for what they did to us and our families. That can take a long time sometimes. For me I am still working on it. Distance in time between me and the time I left (November 2012) is making things easier. Once I stepped away from that group of people and got my mind started thinking without the United Pentecostal Church glasses on, things seemed better.

One thing for me was that the last couple of years I was thinking “Where is Jesus in all of this?” I was losing sight of my Savior and was believing that the whole church had lost sight of him too. Preaching seemed to be all about hair, clothes, standards, tithing. Things that have nothing to do with salvation. I realized that I had bitten into the apple of a belief system that was not healthy. Gossip was rampant. People strived to be like the Pastor or his wife, not like Jesus. It was automatically thought that if you leave the building, The Church, you are leaving God. Because God can only live in a church where “All the Truth” is told. It isn’t so.

I left to reconnect with God. To see Him the way I did before I joined this cultish religion. Once out of the confines of a place I once thought of as a safe haven, a place to be with God, I discovered once again that He is everywhere all at once all the time.

Yes, things are getting easier day by day. But I still have more of my road to travel.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #2: Anything You Say Can, And Will, Be Used Against You

You are planning to leave your church and are contemplating writing something, or talking to, the pastor. In a healthy church, this would be easy…but in an unhealthy one, it is best to be cautious.

We are familiar with people being read their rights upon arrest and part of what is said is that “Anything you say can, and will, be used against you.” Unfortunately, though an unhealthy church doesn’t warn you of this, the same holds true with them.

For years I have cautioned people against giving details in any email or letter they may write to a pastor when they leave. If you include anything perceived to be negative, it will most likely be used against you. That would include sharing any thoughts on doctrine being erroneous, how the church is run, problems, and so on. The letter itself, or portions thereof, may be shared with members and it might be featured in a sermon. In an unhealthy church, your observations and complaints may be shared in an effort to paint you in a negative light and to keep members from having contact with you. This, in turn, causes others pause who are having similar thoughts, by getting a glimpse of how they may be treated.

If you write a letter of resignation, and I would encourage it (more in a future post), keep it brief and simple. Avoid sharing your reasons for leaving. If you can do it sincerely, consider thanking the pastor or church for something that helped you during your time there or share that you leave with some good memories. I would not mention where you will be attending church, if you have decided that. (Some pastors will call the church to warn them about you.) By keeping it short and nice, you will save yourself some heartache and won’t be giving the leadership any ammunition to use against you. Keep a copy for yourself.

The pastor may push to meet with you, but understand that the purpose may be to persuade you to remain and perhaps tell you where you have gone wrong or attempt to scare you. While you may not have shared the reason for your exit, sometimes one can give off unspoken signals in the weeks or days before leaving. These may be interpreted as you being backslid, rebellious, unteachable, and anything else negative.

You have no obligation to speak to the pastor. If you know the pastor to be abusive, I would advise against it. Consider having someone go with you as a witness if you do meet. Be aware that sometimes they will take the opposite approach and perhaps even sympathize and promise things will change. This has worked in causing some to remain, leaving them trying to reach the proverbial carrot on a stick that will never be within reach.

For anyone interested, below is my resignation letter, with the church name removed. Today I would probably write it differently, omitting the part about changing churches. It was also written before I learned about spiritual abuse. Though he called fellow United Pentecostal Church pastors to warn them about me, I never heard of him sharing this letter with members of the church.

Dear Bro. Taylor:

Recently I have made the decision to leave the ___ Church and attend another church. I have not yet made the decision on which church this will be, but I am attending church services.

This has not been an easy decision to make, nor was it done hastily. It is not being done to hurt anyone. I feel that this is a move I need to make regardless of what anyone may think or say, be it good or bad. I myself have always felt that it was wrong to change churches unless you were moving, getting married, etc., but now feel that there are times when one may move on for other reasons than these.

I want to say that I have learned much from the many years I was a member of the church and have grown spiritually. There are things which you have taught that will always stay with me. I will always remember and love you and Sister Taylor.

Though I am still praying about which church to attend, I felt I needed to let you know about my decision to leave. I wish you and Sister Taylor the best. May God lead and bless you.

Again, guard your own heart in how you leave and maintain your integrity. And remember- anything you say can, and will, be used against you…..