Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

(See Part One) Let’s further address the matter of finding a new church after you have been involved in an unhealthy one. As I have shared, this can be a daunting task for many and the reasons are varied.

Today I would like to address getting out of your comfort zone. For those who came from places that emphasized outward standards, it can be difficult for some to visit a church that does not uphold these. People will be seen in casual clothing, maybe even shorts. Women may be seen with cut hair, make-up, pants and jewelry. Men may have facial hair and not be dressed in suits or white shirts. Their hair may be past the collar.

When one is used to seeing people dressed differently, it can be a shock to see otherwise. It can be so distracting that they cannot concentrate on the message or worship. They may find themselves judging people, especially those on the platform. They may catch themselves thinking, “How could the pastor dress casually? And the worship leader has on pants. Look at the women in the choir with all that make-up and jewelry!”

To those who have never experienced being in a performance based church, these thoughts can appear absurd and really off-the-wall. They do not understand how deep these teachings run, how fear-filled they are, and how in someone’s mind, the salvation of a person can rest or fall on adhering to them.

Even those who have started to see that these standard teachings are in error may have difficulty. Some had been ‘police’ in their former churches, persuaded by leadership, or themselves, to run and report to the pastor when people were seen breaking these rules. Once a person is past this mindset and has sorted through the teachings, they often are able to look back and laugh at how they were reacting, but at the time it is no laughing matter. Here are some thoughts that might help you when grappling with this.

The first is the absolute need to spend some time in the Bible and search out for yourself what, if anything, it actually teaches on these standards. Learn to read the passages in their proper context and check to be sure you are not using incorrect word meanings, as unhealthy churches often attribute false meanings to words. Consider what all, or the whole, of the Bible has to say on a subject. Once you see for yourself and are assured in your heart about what is truly taught, the fear and the difficulty seeing others dressed differently should fade and vanish.

Second, many of these unhealthy churches often point to the past. Keep to the ‘old paths’ they may shout, but the paths they speak of are from their history or view of things and not what is mentioned in the Bible. Others may proclaim that this is how it’s been done it for decades. As you have time, look into the actual history of your group and see how things really were years ago. You may be surprised to find people with jewelry and cut hair, for instance. Even ‘big names.’ But don’t get too caught up in the history aspect as it really doesn’t matter what some in your former organization, or even in your country, did years ago. Those things don’t have any relevance to how you should dress today.

Third, when you visit a church where people dress differently, remember why you are there. Are you there to police or judge others in attendance? Or are you there to hear something helpful and to be encouraged and edified? How others are dressing is none of your business- you don’t even know the people. They answer to God alone, just as you do.

While there might be some in attendance who may, in your view, be dressed inappropriately, remember that everyone has their own individual walk with God. Perhaps that person doesn’t have other clothing to wear. Perhaps God is helping them with something much more important than how they are dressing. And if they feel free to attend like that, it is a good thing. They obviously desire to be with other believers. They don’t need people passing judgment on them while they learn of God and grow in their relationship. If any changes are needed, the Holy Spirit is more than able to speak to them.

Some who leave such churches continue to keep all or some of the rules they were taught and that is perfectly fine and they are free to do so. They might yet believe in the teachings, it may be their personal preference, or they may have done things that way for so long, they simply do not wish to change. At the same time, others are also free to make changes as they see fit. While some might go overboard at first, they will find their balance. And what will be one person’s balance may be another person’s overboard. In whatever you do, be fully persuaded in their own mind and don’t go against your conscience.

Understand that it can be difficult to be in a church setting where people look different from what you are used to. That is normal. It will get better. If you will keep in mind the things I shared, it will make the transition much easier.

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Author: Lois

I was a member of the United Pentecostal Church for just under 13 years and was a licensed minister during a short part of that time. I am the owner of the SpiritualAbuse.org website, which was started four years after leaving. I am originally from southern New Jersey. View all posts by Lois

Author: Lois

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