Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1

For those who have left an unhealthy church, it can a daunting task to find a new one as several factors may come into play. Let’s start with some brief things to consider:

Your salvation or standing with God is not based upon church attendance.
You never have to officially join a church & become a member.
You are free to change churches again, if a new one you started to settle into is no longer a good fit for you.
Running to a new church and joining without taking the time to check it out and find out what they believe, could take you from one frying pan into another.
You limit yourself in finding a healthy place to attend by not considering churches that differ from your former one.
You are not a church hopper by taking your time and trying various churches to feel out what would be best for you at this time.
Some people need to stay away from church for awhile in order to rest, heal and sort through teachings and issues.

In unhealthy churches, a person may be taught that when they leave a church/group, they are leaving God. They may have in their head that they must quickly become part of another church in order to have a ‘covering.’ They may feel they must find another church just like their former one, but one that is without the bad aspects, such as standards. They might believe that God is against them due to being taught one must remain where they were ‘born’ or ‘planted.’ These are just some of the issues that the former member may face. It often isn’t easy for them and people who have never experienced spiritual abuse will not be able to relate.

Your walk with God is never based upon church attendance, nor the name of the church you might attend. God relates with believers on a one on one basis. While he could also relate as a whole to a group of believers, one’s salvation or standing with God is not connected to such. A believer’s walk with God is 24/7 and not simply on Sunday or one day midweek or only when you are inside a church building. If you have a relationship with God, then leaving a church will not have any bearing on it, despite what abusive ministers may have claimed.

Some people may hesitate trying out a new church because they feel they must become a member. This is not true. One never has to officially join a church, though some of them may limit your involvement if you don’t. Should you do so and later decide to go to a different church, you are free to do that. Church attendance in a healthy church is different than what you may have experienced. They don’t act like you belong to them and they want you to be spiritually well. Should that mean going to another church, they will send you off with their blessings. You can have a positive experience without ever becoming an official member.

I have observed many things since starting to help people in the 1990s. Sometimes the person feels they must find another church to attend right away. These people can end up in yet another unhealthy church. One does nothing wrong when they take their time, looking into how a church is operated, how leadership relates to everyone and what is taught. You usually have to go several times and to different services and functions in order to get a good feel for what a church is like. Even then, some unhealthy churches are very good at hiding how they really are until after you have joined and immersed yourself into it.

Some need space after leaving and they desire to stay away from any church so that they can understand what happened to them and unravel some of the teachings. One’s foundation may have crumbled and everything may feel shaky. Yet others are so shell-shocked from their abusive church that they cannot fathom attempting to visit a new one, but given some time and space will do so in the future. Some will want nothing to do with churches ever again. Others go the route of a home church. A person needs to feel out what is right for them at this time. Their preference may later change and guess what- that is perfectly fine. During their healing time, people may need something different for awhile. Those who have exited unhealthy churches don’t need to be pressured or berated because they do not immediately start attending another church.

The last thing I want to touch on today is that one can limit themselves by ruling out entire groups of churches without ever trying one. People who have left certain types of churches may grapple with thoughts of other churches being dead, dull, boring and without God’s Spirit present. Besides the emotionalism you may be used to, learn to see God in the stillness, too. Isn’t that where Elijah found God on the mountain? Wrong information about a group may have been instilled in people by their former pastor. These things are often based on a faulty perception due to what was taught in the unhealthy church. God can move anywhere. He isn’t bound by a church name or group. Where two or three are gathered together in the name of Jesus, he IS there.

Some pastors teach that every other church in the area, including others with similar beliefs, are trash cans and to be avoided at all costs. Think about this… The unhealthy pastor wants to keep you coming to that church. You give money that lines his pockets. You probably labor there in some way, too, and don’t get paid. By claiming that there is nowhere else to go in the area, it keeps people confined to that church, or should they be brave enough to leave, they won’t go elsewhere because they still believe the fear laced lies.

What you may have been told about all other churches is not true. There are good, healthy churches outside of your former church or group. God won’t cut you off or leave you behind should you try attending them. (My former pastor said that if we were in a Trinitarian church when the rapture took place, we’d be left behind. What a lie!)

Finding another church is more complex than the few thoughts in this post, but hopefully I have been able to share something that will help. Other issues will be addressed in subsequent articles.

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Author: Lois

I was a member of the United Pentecostal Church for just under 13 years and was a licensed minister during a short part of that time. I am the owner of the SpiritualAbuse.org website, which was started four years after leaving. I am originally from southern New Jersey. View all posts by Lois

Author: Lois

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