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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #17: Looking For A New Church Part 4

Manifestations/Demonstrations

In continuing to address the matter of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one, let’s consider the issue of manifestations, or demonstrations. This will mainly pertain to those from Pentecostal type backgrounds and I realize that some may not appreciate what I have to share, but try to hear me out.

In many Pentecostal type churches, there can be an overemphasis on emotions, excitement, lively music and having what can be termed as manifestations or demonstrations. This is often seen as people crying, shouting, praying loud, jumping, dancing, running, raising/waving/shaking their hands, speaking in tongues, etc. In some circles, anything outside of this may be considered as dead, dull and boring. I briefly touched on this in Part One. If such are not seen, the person may believe that the Holy Spirit was not present or people were not yielding, or allowed to yield to Him, or that they did not hear from God. I remember learning that one woman felt they did not hear from God unless there were tongues and interpretations in a service.

It can be a huge step out of one’s comfort zone to attempt to visit a church outside of their former group. They may have been told all their life that other churches are dead. They may have heard that they quench the Holy Spirit in services. They may have even heard that people in other churches do not even know God. It can take a great deal of courage and determination to visit one of these other churches when your background is Pentecostal.

When believers gather together, Paul taught in 1 Corinthians that it should be with the purpose of everyone being strengthened, encouraged, edified and helped. The church at Corinth appears to have been trying to major in manifestations. Yet in doing so, they were neglecting to see to it that all were edified. It also appears that they were not operating in love. Manifestations and lively services are not necessarily synonymous with people being changed and helped.

Chapter 13 has to do with being part of the body of Christ and in the use of spiritual gifts. Paul shared that people could do all manner of things outwardly, but if what they did was not done through love, they were nothing more than noise makers. Some people ‘demonstrate’ to be seen as more spiritual, and to be recognized and praised of men. One is never acting out of love in such cases.

Jesus and the early church taught believers to not seek after signs. In this, they were not teaching that one should reject or avoid them, but rather that the focus not be placed upon them. Even when the disciples were sent ahead of Jesus into some towns, and had been given the power and authority to do miracles and cast out devils, Jesus told them not to rejoice in those things but to rejoice because their names were written in heaven.

What I am sharing should not be taken as being against spiritual gifts or lively worship. The point is that we who are from a Pentecostal type background can unnecessarily limit our choices of churches by eliminating all non ‘Spirit-filled’ ones from a list of possibilities. The Holy Spirit is just as able to move and touch people in a ‘dead’ church as He is in a ‘lively’ one. Whether a song is a hymn or a vibrant one, does not limit God. Whether a singer sings to live music or a soundtrack, has no bearing on what God can accomplish.

Many of us forgot that Jesus said where two or three believers are gathered together in His name, He would be in their midst. He didn’t limit the location. He didn’t say only if there was lively music, nor did He say only if it was in a tongue-talking church. If you are gathering with other believers in a so-called ‘dead’ church, and claim God is not there, then you are not believing what Jesus said. You are actually the one that missed Him in the gathering and not the others present.

It can be difficult for some to believe that God can move and touch people in a quieter service. But where did this thought come from? When Jesus walked the earth, were those he healed or helped running around, jumping or shouting at the time he met their need? When the lame man was at the gate, did Peter tell him that if he only worshiped more or prayed louder, he would be healed? When the woman with the issue of blood approached Jesus, was she told that if she had only danced around she would have been healed? When Elijah challenged the prophets of Baal in offering a sacrifice, weren’t they thinking they’d be heard due to their loud worship and their physical demonstrations? Did Elijah believe God would only accept his sacrifice if he, too, was demonstrative and loud?

Because you may not see the reactions you expect or are accustomed to, does not mean God’s presence is not there. Perhaps you have expected a certain type of atmosphere for so long that you cannot perceive God moving in silence, quietness or less vibrant worship. But just because you may not see it does not mean it is not happening. It might surprise you if you took time to talk to others and discovered how God met needs, all while you felt He was nowhere to be found.

Yes, it can be difficult for those used to a certain way to then attend a different type of church. But if you can push past your preconceived ideas and realize how God is not limited by the manner of worship or preaching, you might find yourself strengthened, edified and encouraged. That ‘dead’ church might be just the place for you to rest awhile and heal some.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3

Triggers

Another aspect of of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one is experiencing triggers. A trigger is when something happening now takes you back to another time, bringing with it an overreaction to what is happening presently. You could experience great fear, sadness, a panic attack or find yourself disassociating. Let look at an example.

You are visiting a new church and a certain song is sung, one that you were used to hearing at the unhealthy church. Maybe the pastor at one time chastised you in front of everyone after that song had been played. Hearing it now, even though that pastor is nowhere around, triggers that memory. Your hands may start to sweat and you may start to shake. You may become fearful and want to run out of the church. All this is happening because of the memory this song triggered.

Triggers can happen anywhere, not just in a church setting. Since we are talking about finding a new church, the emphasis in this blog is on it happening while at a church service. This can hinder a person from looking for a new church, especially when they find themselves triggered in numerous ways.

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Landau Tobias

Educating yourself about triggers will help you to better cope with them. Be patient with yourself and understand you are not going crazy. While some will not experience them because their former experience was ‘mild,’ a great many people do. Triggers also happen to those who have experienced other types of traumatic events, such as being in combat or surviving a natural disaster.

Though triggers can be most unpleasant, you can learn to deal with them. Just understanding why they occur can be a huge help. Their frequency and intensity should decrease over time and for many people they will stop. In Captive Hearts, Captive Minds the authors speak of disarming triggers and gave the following example on page 113:

Monica R. was born into a cult that used flowers as a symbol for silence and death. A gift of flowers, even a greeting card with flowers, especially roses, represented a dire warning. After leaving the cult, Monica avoided anything depicting flowers. Her apartment even lacked green plants. As she began working through her beliefs in therapy, she remembered an old medicine woman who had befriended her in time of need who used plants, especially aloe leaves, for healing. A piece of the leaf could be torn off and the sap used to reduce the pain of minor burns and insect bites. Monica bought an aloe plant.

Next, she tried tomato plants. The meaning of flowers was changed as the tomato flowers led to tomatoes, her favorite vegetable. Not long after, she was able to bring nonflowering plants into her home and, finally, flowering ones. This change took place over a period of several months. Now, years later, Monica has a garden with roses, annuals, and perennials and she is able to enjoy their beauty without being constantly afraid.

A trigger could be a song, seeing how people worship, or it may be the tone in the pastor’s voice. If he sounds a little like your former pastor, you may have a difficult time hearing anything said. If he looks at you, raises his voice, sounds angry, or even does the ‘uh’ at the end of words like some ministers make themselves do, you could be reminded of an unpleasant experience from your former church. You could be triggered by the way they ask for money or how a song is repeated over and over. A passage that was used to create fear in people may be quoted and set off a trigger. There are any number of issues which can cause a trigger and it varies from person to person. Two people from the same unhealthy church may not have the same triggers.

If you experience these in your quest for a new church, examine what happened and see if it is a warning that this church is unhealthy or if it is nothing more than a trigger. If it is the latter, you should be safe in trying the church again. But if you are triggered too often or continuously over the same thing in various churches, it would probably be best for you to take a break. There is no sense in pushing yourself in this area if the triggers are that strong and frequent. Allow yourself some breathing room and slowly try again at some point in the future. In Traumatized by Religious Abuse, the author shares:

In the aftermath of religious abuse, most survivors experience a tremendous sense of confusion. Places, people, situations, events, even seemingly small aspects of religion- words, articles of clothing, books- that once represented safety and comfort suddenly trigger responses that are difficult to understand or integrate. Some survivors long so much for the things they once had that they put themselves directly in the path of triggers they aren’t ready to face. While we would never tell Veteran Dave to live next to a shooting range, survivors of religious abuse might feel compelled to seek out those very things that trigger traumatic responses for them. Whether out of a sense of obligation, obedience, mandates from other people or the institution, or just a desire to recapture the good things associated with faith practices in general, survivors of religious abuse sometimes jump out of the frying pan right into the fire and wonder why they still feel burned.

Some people need to attend a church that is quite opposite of the one they exited because of triggers. You do what you need to do for your health. It doesn’t matter what those from your former unhealthy church might say, or what ignorant people may say who are clueless about spiritual abuse.

Another area of difficulty can be your concentration. You may find your mind wandering off in a service and also when you try to read. This is also very normal. Should you find yourself not listening to what is being taught or unable to focus on reading something from the Bible (as well as other books), understand that this happens. At the same time, when it comes to the service, check yourself to see if it is an overall difficulty with concentrating or if the minister isn’t providing anything edifying and that is what is causing your inattention.

This is a link to an article about triggers that some may find helpful. There is much information available and I encourage you to educate yourself so you are better equipped to deal with them.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

(See Part One) Let’s further address the matter of finding a new church after you have been involved in an unhealthy one. As I have shared, this can be a daunting task for many and the reasons are varied.

Today I would like to address getting out of your comfort zone. For those who came from places that emphasized outward standards, it can be difficult for some to visit a church that does not uphold these. People will be seen in casual clothing, maybe even shorts. Women may be seen with cut hair, make-up, pants and jewelry. Men may have facial hair and not be dressed in suits or white shirts. Their hair may be past the collar.

When one is used to seeing people dressed differently, it can be a shock to see otherwise. It can be so distracting that they cannot concentrate on the message or worship. They may find themselves judging people, especially those on the platform. They may catch themselves thinking, “How could the pastor dress casually? And the worship leader has on pants. Look at the women in the choir with all that make-up and jewelry!”

To those who have never experienced being in a performance based church, these thoughts can appear absurd and really off-the-wall. They do not understand how deep these teachings run, how fear-filled they are, and how in someone’s mind, the salvation of a person can rest or fall on adhering to them.

Even those who have started to see that these standard teachings are in error may have difficulty. Some had been ‘police’ in their former churches, persuaded by leadership, or themselves, to run and report to the pastor when people were seen breaking these rules. Once a person is past this mindset and has sorted through the teachings, they often are able to look back and laugh at how they were reacting, but at the time it is no laughing matter. Here are some thoughts that might help you when grappling with this.

The first is the absolute need to spend some time in the Bible and search out for yourself what, if anything, it actually teaches on these standards. Learn to read the passages in their proper context and check to be sure you are not using incorrect word meanings, as unhealthy churches often attribute false meanings to words. Consider what all, or the whole, of the Bible has to say on a subject. Once you see for yourself and are assured in your heart about what is truly taught, the fear and the difficulty seeing others dressed differently should fade and vanish.

Second, many of these unhealthy churches often point to the past. Keep to the ‘old paths’ they may shout, but the paths they speak of are from their history or view of things and not what is mentioned in the Bible. Others may proclaim that this is how it’s been done it for decades. As you have time, look into the actual history of your group and see how things really were years ago. You may be surprised to find people with jewelry and cut hair, for instance. Even ‘big names.’ But don’t get too caught up in the history aspect as it really doesn’t matter what some in your former organization, or even in your country, did years ago. Those things don’t have any relevance to how you should dress today.

Third, when you visit a church where people dress differently, remember why you are there. Are you there to police or judge others in attendance? Or are you there to hear something helpful and to be encouraged and edified? How others are dressing is none of your business- you don’t even know the people. They answer to God alone, just as you do.

While there might be some in attendance who may, in your view, be dressed inappropriately, remember that everyone has their own individual walk with God. Perhaps that person doesn’t have other clothing to wear. Perhaps God is helping them with something much more important than how they are dressing. And if they feel free to attend like that, it is a good thing. They obviously desire to be with other believers. They don’t need people passing judgment on them while they learn of God and grow in their relationship. If any changes are needed, the Holy Spirit is more than able to speak to them.

Some who leave such churches continue to keep all or some of the rules they were taught and that is perfectly fine and they are free to do so. They might yet believe in the teachings, it may be their personal preference, or they may have done things that way for so long, they simply do not wish to change. At the same time, others are also free to make changes as they see fit. While some might go overboard at first, they will find their balance. And what will be one person’s balance may be another person’s overboard. In whatever you do, be fully persuaded in their own mind and don’t go against your conscience.

Understand that it can be difficult to be in a church setting where people look different from what you are used to. That is normal. It will get better. If you will keep in mind the things I shared, it will make the transition much easier.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1

For those who have left an unhealthy church, it can a daunting task to find a new one as several factors may come into play. Let’s start with some brief things to consider:

Your salvation or standing with God is not based upon church attendance.
You never have to officially join a church & become a member.
You are free to change churches again, if a new one you started to settle into is no longer a good fit for you.
Running to a new church and joining without taking the time to check it out and find out what they believe, could take you from one frying pan into another.
You limit yourself in finding a healthy place to attend by not considering churches that differ from your former one.
You are not a church hopper by taking your time and trying various churches to feel out what would be best for you at this time.
Some people need to stay away from church for awhile in order to rest, heal and sort through teachings and issues.

In unhealthy churches, a person may be taught that when they leave a church/group, they are leaving God. They may have in their head that they must quickly become part of another church in order to have a ‘covering.’ They may feel they must find another church just like their former one, but one that is without the bad aspects, such as standards. They might believe that God is against them due to being taught one must remain where they were ‘born’ or ‘planted.’ These are just some of the issues that the former member may face. It often isn’t easy for them and people who have never experienced spiritual abuse will not be able to relate.

Your walk with God is never based upon church attendance, nor the name of the church you might attend. God relates with believers on a one on one basis. While he could also relate as a whole to a group of believers, one’s salvation or standing with God is not connected to such. A believer’s walk with God is 24/7 and not simply on Sunday or one day midweek or only when you are inside a church building. If you have a relationship with God, then leaving a church will not have any bearing on it, despite what abusive ministers may have claimed.

Some people may hesitate trying out a new church because they feel they must become a member. This is not true. One never has to officially join a church, though some of them may limit your involvement if you don’t. Should you do so and later decide to go to a different church, you are free to do that. Church attendance in a healthy church is different than what you may have experienced. They don’t act like you belong to them and they want you to be spiritually well. Should that mean going to another church, they will send you off with their blessings. You can have a positive experience without ever becoming an official member.

I have observed many things since starting to help people in the 1990s. Sometimes the person feels they must find another church to attend right away. These people can end up in yet another unhealthy church. One does nothing wrong when they take their time, looking into how a church is operated, how leadership relates to everyone and what is taught. You usually have to go several times and to different services and functions in order to get a good feel for what a church is like. Even then, some unhealthy churches are very good at hiding how they really are until after you have joined and immersed yourself into it.

Some need space after leaving and they desire to stay away from any church so that they can understand what happened to them and unravel some of the teachings. One’s foundation may have crumbled and everything may feel shaky. Yet others are so shell-shocked from their abusive church that they cannot fathom attempting to visit a new one, but given some time and space will do so in the future. Some will want nothing to do with churches ever again. Others go the route of a home church. A person needs to feel out what is right for them at this time. Their preference may later change and guess what- that is perfectly fine. During their healing time, people may need something different for awhile. Those who have exited unhealthy churches don’t need to be pressured or berated because they do not immediately start attending another church.

The last thing I want to touch on today is that one can limit themselves by ruling out entire groups of churches without ever trying one. People who have left certain types of churches may grapple with thoughts of other churches being dead, dull, boring and without God’s Spirit present. Besides the emotionalism you may be used to, learn to see God in the stillness, too. Isn’t that where Elijah found God on the mountain? Wrong information about a group may have been instilled in people by their former pastor. These things are often based on a faulty perception due to what was taught in the unhealthy church. God can move anywhere. He isn’t bound by a church name or group. Where two or three are gathered together in the name of Jesus, he IS there.

Some pastors teach that every other church in the area, including others with similar beliefs, are trash cans and to be avoided at all costs. Think about this… The unhealthy pastor wants to keep you coming to that church. You give money that lines his pockets. You probably labor there in some way, too, and don’t get paid. By claiming that there is nowhere else to go in the area, it keeps people confined to that church, or should they be brave enough to leave, they won’t go elsewhere because they still believe the fear laced lies.

What you may have been told about all other churches is not true. There are good, healthy churches outside of your former church or group. God won’t cut you off or leave you behind should you try attending them. (My former pastor said that if we were in a Trinitarian church when the rapture took place, we’d be left behind. What a lie!)

Finding another church is more complex than the few thoughts in this post, but hopefully I have been able to share something that will help. Other issues will be addressed in subsequent articles.

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Hanging on by the roots

Sitting in church yesterday, I had one of those aha moments. You know one of those moments when another piece of the puzzle snaps in place. The preacher was talking about roots. How when he was a kid he tried to chop down a fig tree. He chopped it all the way down to the ground, but didn’t destroy the roots.

Now he might’ve been going in a completely different direction than me. But by then, me and God were having our own conversation. I have wondered, questioned, discussed with others why after all we’ve been through, with all the abuse, with all the confusion and false doctrine, why are we still able to hang on? Why have we been able to move on?

Now, don’t get me wrong. We still have a bad day sometimes, or something will trigger an emotion in us. But over all we are healing, we are able to minister to others. We are finding our place in Life. When I see people, friends, loved ones still caught up in the condemnation, shame, lies that they were told for so long, it hurts my heart. I want to fix it for them, but sadly, all I can do is support them and encourage them.

I think yesterday, I found the answer to that question for my life. Noting we aren’t all just alike, what works for me might not be for you. But I was just like that fig tree that was chopped to the ground. I spent 20 plus years oppressed, depressed, feeling hopeless in the situation. But, somehow in the midst of that I had roots. Not roots in the United Pentecostal Church, not roots in standards, or with a congregation or preacher. But, with God. See, he did come to me when I was searching, and I have a relationship with him, not man. I could’ve gone anywhere and lived for him. Sadly, I ended up at a UPCI church.

Thankfully my roots are grounded in him. In his grace, his mercy, his sacrifice, not in my works. And not in the opinion of man. Because of that I am able to stand. I am able to hold on. I’ve been able to see new life springing forth. If you feel chopped down, cut off, abandoned, dig a little deeper, brush away the debris of hurt, and hopelessness. Maybe you too can find that root coming up. And you can start fresh and new. If you have lost all, and have nothing left, just hang on to the root. And see how beautiful your brand new life can be.

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