Category: healing | Page 4 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

The UnBoxing Project: Defecting from a cult

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 8, 2015 as part of a series.

Continued from Racquel’s story.

Liz was part of our network that helped Racquel and Ashley as they left the cult environment of the First United Pentecostal Church of Colorado Springs. Here is her perspective.

Photo: Wil C. Fry, creative commons license.

Nearly two years ago, I received text messages from Eleanor about a friendship between two girls that had been recently forbidden by their religious leader.

I was asked to attempt to sneak a cheap TracFone to one of the girls at her school because I would not be recognizable to her parents, who had confiscated all her means of communication. Unfortunately, she wasn’t in class that day.

Eventually, they acquired their freedom by leaving their church behind and living with friends.

Most people assume their own community has only good intentions in mind for members. Why would we believe otherwise if an overwhelming majority of us were taught that strangers are the ones who seek to hurt us?

In reality, data suggests that most cases of violent crime and sexual assault occur between people who are at least acquainted with each other or in regular physical proximity.

In spite of statistical and factual realities, we teach our children to fear strangers. We teach them to avoid the rare anomalies but fail to teach them to look for warning signs in the mundane. This contributes to the denial in identifying abusive communities when people are a part of one.

Instead, people taught to fear the outside world might think that to leave would be worse.

The philosopher Hannah Arendt says that evil is banal. It is predictable, common, and is generally perpetuated by unremarkable people motivated by their own, typically material needs.

An intense, outward adherence to a particular ideology or manifestation of a psychological condition might be present in the situation, but neither are enough to explain why communities as a whole behave a certain way.

In other words, abusers are regular people and not the monstrous caricatures we see on TV or evil stepmothers in children’s fairy tales. There might be a few narcissists and sociopaths at the upper echelons dictating the orders, but several people who are afraid of seeking out other dissenters within the group.

With hierarchy and scale, diffusion of guilt and responsibility is inevitable. Diffusion of guilt is generally paired with resistance to collective guilt that should logically follow the diffusion.

The lower end claim to be following orders, the higher ups claim they didn’t personally do it.

It’s the same garbage that makes none guilty for abuse that many participated in. It is as if people hope that with sufficient diffusion, the amount of culpability per person is rendered insignificant. Dilution of active ingredients in homeopathic “remedies” operates this way.

Abuse as a phenomena doesn’t become significant simply because the perception of responsibility among abusers is thinly spread out because there is always someone else to blame in the eyes of the guilty such that their victims somehow become responsible for their own abuse.

What I’ve gleaned from my studies in history and politics is that there is a tendency to conceal or otherwise diminish the significance of abuses as a means of trying to protect the legitimacy and reputation of an organization such as the Catholic church, many American universities, collegiate and professional sports teams, the entertainment industry, among many other examples.

When an organization cares more about protecting its own reputation than removing abusers or helping victims, there is a reason to question the validity and value of such an institution and the complicity of people within afflicted organizations.

Even if an individual abuser recognizes the harm they cause, to reject the cultural norms is to risk being socially ostracized and possibly, their standard of living. Obedience experiments by Milgram and replicated by others show that people are generally submissive to figures of authority up to a certain point.

It is likely that people from more isolated communities would escalate punishments further when commanded by members of their community than people from the general population being instructed by a stranger because of a greater sense of obligation and desire to belong in the former.

Defection is complicated. It comes with a high price tag in both an absolute and perceived sense.

People in deliberately isolated communities are generally taught that outsiders are evil, that its their own fault for being mistreated or that victims deserve it, and that the victims aren’t being treated badly in the first place. If maltreatment is believed to be normative and benevolent it tends to make victims attempt to justify what is going on as a means of internalizing conflicting messages.

The more isolated people are, the harder it is for them to recognize their own condition and the more complex the logistics of leaving becomes.

Liz received training at a local college in her hometown so that she could teach freshmen at her high school about how to avoid and recognize dating violence, local resources for victims, and statistics regarding the frequency of rape and lack of conviction. She was also a student teacher who assisted with evening adult education courses in sexual assault escape and self-defense offered by her school to the community.

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Finding home

Two months ago I started attending a church… after around 5-6 years of swearing I was done, and after one infamously sarcastic Google search for what I thought was the impossible… a church that accepted even doubters and unbelievers.

For two months I’ve watched people in this church – leaders and laity – being authentic, accepting and loving. They’ve invited me to sit with them and welcomed me to their classes, groups, and discussions. They’ve never once pressured me for information about myself or pushed for any commitment from me. They’ve listened, they’ve shared, and they’ve loved.

When I first started going, I’d physically shake and my blood pressure would go hypertensive, which is very unusual for me. But I was actually IN a church building, and that was a terrifyingly dangerous place in my mind. And this was a different kind of church than I was used to (thank goodness!), and the unfamiliarity was also scary. But there was something incredible happening and I knew it, and I knew that this church was part of it.

I asked God at the time to please provide answers to some of my many questions without me having to ask. That prayer has been answered many times over, and is still being answered in amazing ways but I’m not afraid to ask questions now. This is a safe place to wonder, to question, to ask. Even to doubt or differ.

The last two months have brought healing to 22 years of deep wounds, and a restoration I didn’t dare dream of.

I’m so incredibly happy that I’m joining this church tomorrow. No, membership there changes nothing. There’s no extra perk to joining, unless you count getting a name tag, and no one will expect anything more or less of me. Nothing changes because they will continue to do just what they’ve already done and be what they’ve already been. But it means a lot to me, and it’s my opportunity to say, “me, too.”

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #18: Looking For A New Church Part 5

Church Attendance: A Matter of Life or Death, Really?

Many years ago, a prominent figure in the United Pentecostal Church posted a series of statements on Facebook about church attendance as follows:

We don’t attend church to earn salvation but to please God and maintain a healthy relationship with Him
If we have to miss a service we don’t fear going to hell, but we don’t say church attendance is irrelevant; it is a standard to teach
Church attendance is like a healthy diet; one missed meal is not a matter of life and death, but eating is

Let’s first tackle one aspect of these statements by asking yourself where these teachings can be found in the Bible. Where does it state that attending church pleases God? Did Jesus or any of the apostles teach that we maintain a healthy relationship with God through church attendance? Did Paul (or any other New Testament writer) ever teach that church attendance is a standard to be taught? Did anyone in the New Testament ever proclaim that church attendance is a matter or life or death or link it to eating properly?

Examine the progression of thoughts he presented. If you want to please God and maintain a healthy relationship with Him, you will attend church. Church attendance is not irrelevant, but a standard to be taught. If you miss one service, your life isn’t at stake; however if you miss too much or stop attending, it’s a matter of life or death. While the first post appears to say salvation isn’t linked to church attendance, if we follow the progression of statements, likening it to a matter of life and death sure instills the thought that if we do not attend, or miss too many services, we will die spiritually. We won’t be pleasing God or having a healthy relationship with him.

Reading these and seeing what is actually being taught, I am quickly reminded of all those who have been part of an unhealthy church. Their church attendance surely did not help maintain a healthy relationship with God. On the contrary, for thousands upon thousands of people it instilled in them the need to perform in order to be accepted by God, that God could hardly be pleased with their performance and that he was a harsh taskmaster, ready to punish and leave them behind if they didn’t measure up. It didn’t bring life, but rather a spiritual death with all the faulty teachings, wrong image of God, and focus on the church, pastor and themselves.

Contrary to the statements posted on this minister’s profile, there are indeed ministers in the UPCI who do teach church attendance is required to stay saved or at least keep from being backslid. Some in this organization do scare people with hell regarding church attendance. In fact, these postings also did this but in a more subtle manner. This has caused many people to erroneously believe that they must be at the church whenever the doors are open. Let me show an example from an Instagram comment made yesterday. It was in response to a female UPCI minister’s post about needing to be in church services. Not only does this commenter believe we must attend services in order to go to heaven, but even adds that the pastor will present you to God. This is fear based non-biblical teaching.
I’ve written this hoping it will help those who have left an unhealthy church and have not yet found a new one or those who cannot even attempt to look. These ministers can yell it at the top of their lungs all they want, but God is not going to cast you aside if you are not attending a church. Your relationship with God is not now, and never will be, dependent upon meeting with others in a church building.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #17: Looking For A New Church Part 4

Manifestations/Demonstrations

In continuing to address the matter of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one, let’s consider the issue of manifestations, or demonstrations. This will mainly pertain to those from Pentecostal type backgrounds and I realize that some may not appreciate what I have to share, but try to hear me out.

In many Pentecostal type churches, there can be an overemphasis on emotions, excitement, lively music and having what can be termed as manifestations or demonstrations. This is often seen as people crying, shouting, praying loud, jumping, dancing, running, raising/waving/shaking their hands, speaking in tongues, etc. In some circles, anything outside of this may be considered as dead, dull and boring. I briefly touched on this in Part One. If such are not seen, the person may believe that the Holy Spirit was not present or people were not yielding, or allowed to yield to Him, or that they did not hear from God. I remember learning that one woman felt they did not hear from God unless there were tongues and interpretations in a service.

It can be a huge step out of one’s comfort zone to attempt to visit a church outside of their former group. They may have been told all their life that other churches are dead. They may have heard that they quench the Holy Spirit in services. They may have even heard that people in other churches do not even know God. It can take a great deal of courage and determination to visit one of these other churches when your background is Pentecostal.

When believers gather together, Paul taught in 1 Corinthians that it should be with the purpose of everyone being strengthened, encouraged, edified and helped. The church at Corinth appears to have been trying to major in manifestations. Yet in doing so, they were neglecting to see to it that all were edified. It also appears that they were not operating in love. Manifestations and lively services are not necessarily synonymous with people being changed and helped.

Chapter 13 has to do with being part of the body of Christ and in the use of spiritual gifts. Paul shared that people could do all manner of things outwardly, but if what they did was not done through love, they were nothing more than noise makers. Some people ‘demonstrate’ to be seen as more spiritual, and to be recognized and praised of men. One is never acting out of love in such cases.

Jesus and the early church taught believers to not seek after signs. In this, they were not teaching that one should reject or avoid them, but rather that the focus not be placed upon them. Even when the disciples were sent ahead of Jesus into some towns, and had been given the power and authority to do miracles and cast out devils, Jesus told them not to rejoice in those things but to rejoice because their names were written in heaven.

What I am sharing should not be taken as being against spiritual gifts or lively worship. The point is that we who are from a Pentecostal type background can unnecessarily limit our choices of churches by eliminating all non ‘Spirit-filled’ ones from a list of possibilities. The Holy Spirit is just as able to move and touch people in a ‘dead’ church as He is in a ‘lively’ one. Whether a song is a hymn or a vibrant one, does not limit God. Whether a singer sings to live music or a soundtrack, has no bearing on what God can accomplish.

Many of us forgot that Jesus said where two or three believers are gathered together in His name, He would be in their midst. He didn’t limit the location. He didn’t say only if there was lively music, nor did He say only if it was in a tongue-talking church. If you are gathering with other believers in a so-called ‘dead’ church, and claim God is not there, then you are not believing what Jesus said. You are actually the one that missed Him in the gathering and not the others present.

It can be difficult for some to believe that God can move and touch people in a quieter service. But where did this thought come from? When Jesus walked the earth, were those he healed or helped running around, jumping or shouting at the time he met their need? When the lame man was at the gate, did Peter tell him that if he only worshiped more or prayed louder, he would be healed? When the woman with the issue of blood approached Jesus, was she told that if she had only danced around she would have been healed? When Elijah challenged the prophets of Baal in offering a sacrifice, weren’t they thinking they’d be heard due to their loud worship and their physical demonstrations? Did Elijah believe God would only accept his sacrifice if he, too, was demonstrative and loud?

Because you may not see the reactions you expect or are accustomed to, does not mean God’s presence is not there. Perhaps you have expected a certain type of atmosphere for so long that you cannot perceive God moving in silence, quietness or less vibrant worship. But just because you may not see it does not mean it is not happening. It might surprise you if you took time to talk to others and discovered how God met needs, all while you felt He was nowhere to be found.

Yes, it can be difficult for those used to a certain way to then attend a different type of church. But if you can push past your preconceived ideas and realize how God is not limited by the manner of worship or preaching, you might find yourself strengthened, edified and encouraged. That ‘dead’ church might be just the place for you to rest awhile and heal some.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3

Triggers

Another aspect of of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one is experiencing triggers. A trigger is when something happening now takes you back to another time, bringing with it an overreaction to what is happening presently. You could experience great fear, sadness, a panic attack or find yourself disassociating. Let look at an example.

You are visiting a new church and a certain song is sung, one that you were used to hearing at the unhealthy church. Maybe the pastor at one time chastised you in front of everyone after that song had been played. Hearing it now, even though that pastor is nowhere around, triggers that memory. Your hands may start to sweat and you may start to shake. You may become fearful and want to run out of the church. All this is happening because of the memory this song triggered.

Triggers can happen anywhere, not just in a church setting. Since we are talking about finding a new church, the emphasis in this blog is on it happening while at a church service. This can hinder a person from looking for a new church, especially when they find themselves triggered in numerous ways.

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Landau Tobias

Educating yourself about triggers will help you to better cope with them. Be patient with yourself and understand you are not going crazy. While some will not experience them because their former experience was ‘mild,’ a great many people do. Triggers also happen to those who have experienced other types of traumatic events, such as being in combat or surviving a natural disaster.

Though triggers can be most unpleasant, you can learn to deal with them. Just understanding why they occur can be a huge help. Their frequency and intensity should decrease over time and for many people they will stop. In Captive Hearts, Captive Minds the authors speak of disarming triggers and gave the following example on page 113:

Monica R. was born into a cult that used flowers as a symbol for silence and death. A gift of flowers, even a greeting card with flowers, especially roses, represented a dire warning. After leaving the cult, Monica avoided anything depicting flowers. Her apartment even lacked green plants. As she began working through her beliefs in therapy, she remembered an old medicine woman who had befriended her in time of need who used plants, especially aloe leaves, for healing. A piece of the leaf could be torn off and the sap used to reduce the pain of minor burns and insect bites. Monica bought an aloe plant.

Next, she tried tomato plants. The meaning of flowers was changed as the tomato flowers led to tomatoes, her favorite vegetable. Not long after, she was able to bring nonflowering plants into her home and, finally, flowering ones. This change took place over a period of several months. Now, years later, Monica has a garden with roses, annuals, and perennials and she is able to enjoy their beauty without being constantly afraid.

A trigger could be a song, seeing how people worship, or it may be the tone in the pastor’s voice. If he sounds a little like your former pastor, you may have a difficult time hearing anything said. If he looks at you, raises his voice, sounds angry, or even does the ‘uh’ at the end of words like some ministers make themselves do, you could be reminded of an unpleasant experience from your former church. You could be triggered by the way they ask for money or how a song is repeated over and over. A passage that was used to create fear in people may be quoted and set off a trigger. There are any number of issues which can cause a trigger and it varies from person to person. Two people from the same unhealthy church may not have the same triggers.

If you experience these in your quest for a new church, examine what happened and see if it is a warning that this church is unhealthy or if it is nothing more than a trigger. If it is the latter, you should be safe in trying the church again. But if you are triggered too often or continuously over the same thing in various churches, it would probably be best for you to take a break. There is no sense in pushing yourself in this area if the triggers are that strong and frequent. Allow yourself some breathing room and slowly try again at some point in the future. In Traumatized by Religious Abuse, the author shares:

In the aftermath of religious abuse, most survivors experience a tremendous sense of confusion. Places, people, situations, events, even seemingly small aspects of religion- words, articles of clothing, books- that once represented safety and comfort suddenly trigger responses that are difficult to understand or integrate. Some survivors long so much for the things they once had that they put themselves directly in the path of triggers they aren’t ready to face. While we would never tell Veteran Dave to live next to a shooting range, survivors of religious abuse might feel compelled to seek out those very things that trigger traumatic responses for them. Whether out of a sense of obligation, obedience, mandates from other people or the institution, or just a desire to recapture the good things associated with faith practices in general, survivors of religious abuse sometimes jump out of the frying pan right into the fire and wonder why they still feel burned.

Some people need to attend a church that is quite opposite of the one they exited because of triggers. You do what you need to do for your health. It doesn’t matter what those from your former unhealthy church might say, or what ignorant people may say who are clueless about spiritual abuse.

Another area of difficulty can be your concentration. You may find your mind wandering off in a service and also when you try to read. This is also very normal. Should you find yourself not listening to what is being taught or unable to focus on reading something from the Bible (as well as other books), understand that this happens. At the same time, when it comes to the service, check yourself to see if it is an overall difficulty with concentrating or if the minister isn’t providing anything edifying and that is what is causing your inattention.

This is a link to an article about triggers that some may find helpful. There is much information available and I encourage you to educate yourself so you are better equipped to deal with them.