Category: Churches

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.” 1 Corinthians 13:1

On Monday, June 11, 2018, the day after the meetings with Pastor Andrew Ray and Seth Razler* and approximately a week after Douglas Stauffer’s message on carnality, Stauffer messaged my husband, Matthew Olds, and asked him if the apology below was sufficient. We assumed it was a facade, considering his harassment and attitude toward us the week before, but we figured any pressure on Pastor Andrew Ray could have forced Stauffer’s hand. At least, finally, the man who preached against apologizing was actually making a public remark, and maybe, just maybe, it meant that the chaos at our church would begin to calm down. Just maybe it meant we could all begin to move forward.

Doug Stauffer’s Facebook Post (Monday, June 11, 2018):  “A Bit of a Confession!”

”Preachers are sometimes guilty of saying ill-advised things from the pulpit. Guilty! The preacher can have the best of intentions but one fleeting thought that turns into a sentence or two can prove disastrous for the preacher, harm the hearers, and create long-lasting repercussions in the lives of countless others. Social media and instant access to sermons outside the church walls compounds the problem because things are heard and misconstrued especially when those words lack the necessary context.

The problem is that the preachers are human; those in the pew are human and both are expected by God to act and react in a superhuman capacity. I wish I was talking about somebody else, but I am not. I want to apologize to any that I have ever offended with ill-advised words in or out of the pulpit. It has happened in the past and will happen in the future. My prayer is to rise above the level of simply walking, talking, and thinking like a man; it must be possible if God rebukes those who “walk as men.” 1 Corinthians 3:3 For ye are yet carnal: for whereas there is among you envying, and strife, and divisions, are ye not carnal, and WALK AS MEN?’ Doug” [LINK: https://www.facebook.com/douglasstauffer1611/posts/1974808689217742]

Now, did we truly believe Douglas Stauffer was honestly apologetic for his actions, considering he apologized for “saying ill-advised things” once again? Not a chance, but to voice our opinions at the time would have been fruitless and my husband and I just wanted to get this behind us.  According to Merriam-Webster, “ill-advised” means “resulting from or showing a lack of wise and sufficient counsel or deliberation.” We believed Stauffer’s public confession to be a facade considering he had already clarified his true opinion in the voicemail he left us the night of his carnal message:

“I still meet and talk to those people that left. Um, but I think it was the worst thing in the world that those that are complainers and gripers and destructive in the church left, and I’m upset about it? I’m not. I think it was good for the church. I think that, um, division and divisiveness, um, you know, there’s no place for it in the church.“

By calling his actions “ill-advised,” Stauffer merely admitted that his actions were unwise, but never that he was truly in the wrong.

On the other hand, could Stauffer truly have been a victim of being a preacher “expected to act in a superhuman capacity”? In Stauffer’s January message, after proclaiming that the complainers left during the mass exodus, Stauffer said jokingly, “Sorry guys. I had to say it. It just came to mind. You gotta- you know- you gotta be gracious with the preacher. Every now and then we say things we shouldn’t say.  No matter how truthful it is.” To make matters worse, in his Sunday school message only a week later, Stauffer followed up his statements by the exodus to a “circumcision,” and that “the flesh has been cut off.”

We attempted to hold on to the smallest amount of comfort in the thought that, just maybe, this meant Pastor Andrew Ray was finally starting to see Stauffer for who we felt he truly was. Of course, Stauffer placed himself in the light of the victim, once again, as he continued to do in the months to come, but how could we have outright said, “No, your apology is not really an apology” or “No, it is not sufficient”? We accepted the situation for what it was and merely hoped to continue to move forward toward peace and reconciliation in our church.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Straight from the Horse’s Mouth” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

“I hesitate to tell you this after the meeting with Pastor [Andrew] Ray, but Brother Seth Razler* brought up about your breastfeeding again,” my husband informed me apprehensively. “He said that even though the NFL football players have the freedom and right to kneel during the national anthem, Colin Kaepernick and the other football players are giving our nation and our military the [middle] finger. He said that every time you nurse in the church service, you are essentially giving our church the finger, as well.”

Seth Razler*, a benevolent military man with strong Christian values, had taken on the project of using his financial expertise to teach young couples and soon-to-be-newlyweds about becoming financially independent and establishing financial stability through retirement. Approximately once a week, he met with my husband, Matthew Olds, to discuss charts, diagrams, and courses of action while his wife and I talked and entertained my children. After watching Razler* serve faithfully at Antioch Baptist Church for years, including sitting in on several of his Sunday school classes while accompanying young visitors from Matt’s work, I had developed a reasonable level of respect for Seth Razler’s well-rounded depth of knowledge and his compassion toward his young students. Additionally, as a military brat raised in a predominately military church, I understood first-hand the sacrifices of a military family.  However, just an hour after our Sunday meeting with Pastor Andrew Ray, Seth Razler* was the next one to deal out more outlandish and misogynistic blows as we struggled to get our heads above water, all because he was not comfortable with my nursing publicly in the church service. It begs the question, “Why did my family drastically shift from consistently nursing in a private room with our first child, to then nursing publicly, yet discreetly, even in a church service for the other two children? Our decision was not a matter of preference, but rather, one of life and death.

Contemplating the Unthinkable

After my first round of severe postpartum mood disorders in 2014 – including severe depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)- coupled with a child who nursed for forty-five minutes out of every hour because of an undiagnosed lip-tie and tongue-tie that still left him underweight, I could not handle the idea of being isolated away for every breastfeeding session outside of our home again. Unfortunately, throughout my second pregnancy starting at only ten months after the birth of our first, my husband and I had countless “heated discussions” about the “modesty” of breastfeeding in public because even the idea of repeating that isolation left me in an almost continuous state of panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, and severely intrusive suicidal thoughts. Matt and I finally reached a level of agreement on the subject, but after broaching the idea to a few moms I felt comfortable with from the church’s inner circle, the moms told me that breastfeeding in the service could distract the pastor or song leader, draw the men’s eyes and minds to my chest, and thus lead them to impure thoughts. Several of them also informed me that a man had previously stated he would leave the church if anyone nursed in the service. Supposedly, this man proclaimed his decision sometime after the previous pastor publicly chewed a woman out for nursing on the front pew.

Breastfeeding in a Baptist World

Upon trying to work through the situation with the same moms at the church, I discovered that their solutions had significant difficulties and downfalls that I could not justify, no matter how desperately I wanted to appease them. Their suggestions ranged from pumping (extremely painful), to formula feeding every church service (significantly disrupts supply and demand), to having a list of women to rotate out babysitting me in the mother’s room (talk about embarrassing?).  Because none of those were viable options, the pastor’s wife, Lula Ray, told me that if I nursed in the service, I had to be extremely discreet, to the point that no one knew I was nursing. We attempted to use a Lillebaby carrier– a baby carrier which even comes with a head cover!- in the far back section of the church, and we attempted to use the two-shirt method, but nothing was sufficient except being isolated away in the mother’s room downstairs. One of the inner circle mothers who sat behind me in the back section “noticed I was adjusting my shirt” and approached me in the nursery to find out if I was, in fact, breastfeeding in the sanctuary. Another mom, Emily Gibson*, approached me after nursing in the baby side of the nursery and accused me of “exposing myself to the men of the church.” After our full-blown argument in the nursery and messages exchanged by our husbands, we kept our distance until she and I peacefully resolved our disagreement a few months later by apologizing and coming to an understanding of each other’s perspective. Within a week or two of that initial confrontation with Emily*, however, my own pastor, Pastor Andrew Ray, preached a message on nakedness and being “covered.” To say the least, we learned early on that it was pointless to attempt to work with anyone on acceptable alternatives or sufficient methods of modesty within the service.

Here We Go Again

When we found out we were pregnant with our third child about a year and half after our second, I anguished over telling anyone our wonderful news, but a sickness that nearly killed my husband bound me between a rock and a hard place of enjoying our perfect little growing secret, or reaching out for necessary support and prayers. Having felt berated, socially ostracized, and even potentially preached at from behind the pulpit while modestly breastfeeding my second child in the service, I fully anticipated tempers to soar once again. I dreaded straining, if not entirely destroying, relationships with fellow church members again, and I stressed for months about the likelihood of people approaching me again about breastfeeding. I had countless sleepless nights, agonizing over the weight that would soon be on my husband once again, and trying to figure out how to not dread going to church for my third’s child first year as I had with my second child’s entire breastfeeding journey. Nine months after the birth of our third child, however, with no outright complaints and only unexpected support from several families in the church, Seth Razler* caught us off guard as we no longer anticipated repeated confrontations from other church members.

Fingers and Finances

Razler* informed Matt during one of their Sunday financial meetings that when visitors came, they could mistakenly assume that Antioch Baptist Church was not the type of church they were expecting to visit. He proclaimed that my breastfeeding may be a turn-off to visitors who may then question if Antioch was more of a non-denominational church. In response, Matt referenced our survey trip to Africa where he realized that if God truly expected women to isolate themselves away to another room while breastfeeding, then it had to be a universal truth, but it simply was not. Men and women could not reasonably apply this rule to mothers in third-world countries where space and safety is severely lacking. When Matt brought this up to Razler*, Razler* responded that it was a “cultural issue,” and that we were in America. When Matt brought up Joel chapter two, and verse sixteen, a verse that showed that God would gather everyone together in the end times, including women that were breastfeeding, Razler* again stated that it was a “cultural issue.”

As an example, Razler* told Matt that though Kaepernick and the other athletics had the right to kneel for the national anthem to protect treatment of African Americans, the football players were giving our military and our nation the middle finger. Razler* stated, that in the same manner, I was essentially giving our church the middle finger every time I nursed. He proceeded to tell Matt that it was “a leadership issue” (in our home/marriage), and that he needed to “man-up” and say, “Woman, this is what you are going to do” (go down to the mother’s room). Razler* even went a step further to say that Matt was enabling my depression, that my claims of suicidal thoughts were all for attention, and that the “leadership issue” would hinder our church from sending us out as missionaries!

“The Men of the Church”

I lost all respect for Seth Razler* that day, but my opinion would have made no difference at our church because I was a woman, “the weaker vessel.” Surely, this is not the case in twenty-first century America, right? Bear in mind that our church constitution replaced the scriptural office of deacons with all “the men of the church,” supposedly to make all the men equal in stature. In the yearly business meetings, the men would meet following the morning service, pass the information on to their wives at home in the afternoon, and if the wives had any questions or objections, their husbands would present their wives’ inquiries or discrepancies in the church-wide business meeting following the evening service before everyone voted. According to Pastor Ray before we joined, these men’s meetings only occurred during the yearly business meetings for establishing budget, and offices including head usher, but in practice, these meetings occurred much more regularly throughout the year. One of those meetings occurred in the fall of 2017 when the Crawfords* were ripped apart and lied about before all of the men, while the information was never actually brought before the entire church. Let us not forget that these “men’s meetings” would also include private meetings with various parts of the inner circle. Seth Razler* was not just a respected military man and in-depth Sunday school teacher, but a man with the typical renown of a deacon. Unfortunately for me, even our pastor had no qualms about underhandedly attempted to coerce me back into the mother’s room.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Douglas Stauffer’s Public Apology” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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In the end, Pastor Andrew Ray continued to defend his own actions and Douglas Stauffer’s actions from the previous fall until the present, all the while attempting to control the transfer of information within all parties involved. By the time Pastor Ray attempted to tell us what happened in 2017, I was fed-up with Pastor Ray and Stauffer’s circles of berating us for not knowing information, giving us bits of pieces of information to hold over our heads, attempting to scare or shame us into silence, and then demanding to know any information we received while telling us we should not know anything. I exclaimed to pastor that he and Stauffer were demanding, controlling, and giving information about what happened all at the same time, and that “WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!”

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

 Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Despite Pastor Ray and Stauffer repetitively asserting that Matt and I made judgments off little to no information, both missed the key element: Stauffer made statements behind the pulpit on three separate occasions in front of an audience of people with purposefully limited information. The last audience, during Bible Conference, was even in front of a group with visitors expected from over thirty different churches! Interestingly enough, it was Pastor Ray and Douglas Stauffer who gave us information before we even had a chance to hear the specific details from several of the other families.

Information about the Martins*

Douglas Stauffer told us in the Tuesday evening meeting about the large sum of money that he lent to the Martins* in their time of need, and well as about Dennis Martin’s* laziness on the job. He willingly shared his own valor while neglecting to say that the Martins* had paid his money back in full and then some. He also neglected to share how he hung over Dennis Martin’s* shoulders while he worked, berating him for hours.

During the Sunday meeting, Pastor Ray informed us, without names, about the Martin’s* oldest son coming over to the pastor’s house, but we felt, based on the information provided by the Martin* family, that Pastor Ray left out vital information about his delay in informing the missing teenager’s parents of his current location. Pastor Ray also neglected to include details of the blatant lies he told the teenage son, which we feel was a means of turning him against his parents. One of the many surprising factors from last fall was discovering that Pastor Ray and his wife, Lula, had encouraged several teenagers, including the Martin’s* oldest son to go into or stay in courtships against their parent’s wishes. But these men were upfront and honest about that too, right?

Information about the Crawfords*

Pastor Ray also informed us of a particular “charismatic teenage girl that was texting”- the Crawford’s* oldest daughter, Meghan Crawford*- that he claimed was particularly destructive in the teen group and in the pastor’s family. Despite never stating her name, Meghan* was one of only a few extroverts in the entire church, and especially the youth group, making it obvious who he was referring to. Pastor neglected to state that the Crawford’s* were the family at the center of the church service in October 2017 that he dedicated to people talking badly about the pastor’s family! Pastor also never admitted that Meghan Crawford’s* greatest “mistake” was a comment in passing to the other teen girls, an innocent, playful analysis about a sweet Christian young lady in her twenties “rocking the cradle” by entering into a courtship with the pastor’s seventeen-year-old son.

Without mentioning names, Pastor provided the context of an unnamed father- Jeremy Crawford*- who marched his oldest son, Emmett* into the pastor’s office and MADE him apologize to the pastor’s daughter Mary*. Pastor neglected to say that Emmett* had merely confided in a friend that he was “withdrawing his heart” away from Mary* for a time because he had seen changes in her, a wise and mature statement beyond his years. Strangely enough, Pastor Ray referenced this statement in the meeting during the church service when he said that people were calling his daughter “ungodly.”

To go a step further, Pastor failed to divulge that he sent the Crawford’s* a disgraceful letter, removing them from the institute they had traveled over 600 miles to join, and threatening to send a letter to the local Bible college that Meghan Crawford* attended,  should their family act in any way that Antioch disagreed with. According to Pastor Ray, we “[were not] supposed to know” about that letter. At least those members who left the church almost a year before were able to humbly accept any blame appropriate with their actions.

Private Information about a Teen in a Mental Health Crisis

Finally, Pastor Ray told us about a teenager who was on the verge of suicide that had to be talked down because of everything that had happened last fall. As someone who has struggled with intrusive suicidal thoughts for years, I understood the depth and complexities of those moments, and longed to find a way to show compassion to whoever the teenager was. I wanted to let them know that they were not alone. On the other hand, I could not escape the nagging reminders that this was not only a breach of confidentiality between a pastor and a church member, but that Pastor Andrew Ray, and his wife Lula, were fully aware of my own severe postpartum anxiety and depression and could not have cared less. They knew that being secluded in the mother’s room for breastfeeding exacerbated my symptoms, including the panic attacks and intrusive suicidal thoughts, but they STILL attempted to send several of our friends to shame me out of nursing outside of the mother’s room, even with the massive cover, because they could not legally say anything themselves. There was even a point in the Sunday meeting where I asked if Pastor or Lula had directly gone to individuals in order to ask/send them to talk with me about breastfeeding, and Pastor said that he could not comment.

Further unbeknownst to me on the same Sunday as this meeting with Pastor Ray, another church member we trusted approached Matt once again about my nursing in the service, comparing it to giving everyone in the church “the finger,” among other accusations. Learning of the content of this interaction was yet another blow that finally led to my determination to leave Antioch Baptist Church.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: One Finger Salute” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Even though we had trusted Pastor Andrew Ray as a man who was compassionate, forth-telling and honest, he proved himself in this Sunday meeting to have become manipulative and deceitful, just as Douglas Stauffer had been along the way. Our own pastor used emotional manipulation to corner us for information, used Stauffer’s obvious misinterpretations of written correspondence to accuse me of working around my husband, and of course continued to use the correspondence with Will Hess as supporting proof of my own wrong-doing, rather than Stauffer’s. Pastor Ray expressed his belief that we “set-up” Stauffer by requesting that he not contact us until after my husband, Matthew Olds,  was off from work, and Pastor continued to defend Stauffer’s actions despite us bringing Stauffer’s deceitfulness to light in multiple instances. Upon hearing that we forwarded Stauffer’s messages to the Williams* family for the sake of context, Pastor told Stauffer not to communicate in writing from that point forward, limiting any further proof of their actions. One of the most baffling points, however, was when Pastor Ray encouraged us to entrust Stauffer with the personal details of the trauma left from being spiritually abused! While we feel that the majority of Pastor’s conclusions were merely expressions stemming from Stauffer’s hunger for power under the guise of  a man who cared about and protected his pastor, Pastor Ray expressed them as fact and made his decisions moving forward accordingly.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Emotionally Cornered for Information

Pastor Ray inquired repeatedly about past members sharing information about the details surrounding their departure from Antioch Baptist Church. To make matters worse, Pastor Ray stated that though he believed someone close to us “[did] not have our best interest at heart,” he needed to know who we had spoken with and what they said before he would give us the information. Several of the old members reached out to me during the week as an encouragement after seeing the initial post and the two scrutinized apology posts. These people, my friends, were hurting. For many, their families were broken, including several strong Christian teenagers that had their spiritual foundations ripped out from underneath of them and shattered by those in leadership at Antioch Baptist Church. Many have yet to recover even as of 2020.

To make matters worse, many of these people lived in fear of what chaos and destruction could come to their families should anything get back to our pastor’s family, and they were just thankful to finally be away from the drama. When they shared their stories, it was not to tear down Pastor Ray or Antioch Baptist Church. They hesitantly, yet compassionately, opened their wounds to show me that I was not crazy, that I was not alone, and that God is yet faithful. Not only were their stories and experiences confidential until otherwise stated, but I was determined not to give more ammunition by throwing them over to the wolves.

A few days prior to meeting with Pastor Ray, Miranda Crawford* shared the destructive impact of the pastor’s family on their household, and the Martin’s* comforted and encouraged me over at their house while our children played together. While I was there, the Williams* contacted the Martins* about not sharing information with us for the sake of not touching God’s anointed. Within a day or two, Edward Williams* called my husband for the same purpose. Somehow, Pastor Ray learned about Edward Williams* calling several who had left, and according to Matt’s understanding from the meeting, Pastor Ray believed that Edward* had called Matt specifically to get me under my husband’s thumb.

Until we admitted that the Williams* had contacted us, Pastor Ray refused to reveal who he thought “did not have our best interest at heart.” After receiving the desired confirmation, Pastor Ray divulged, from what I feel was paranoia, his belief that the families who left wanted to use me as a spokesman for what happened to them. The problem with his accusation, however, was that no one shared their story with us before my initial Facebook post about Stauffer’s message, and those that did, hesitated out of a desire for peace. I am the one who chose to speak up in order to call out a wicked man abusing the pulpit and to bring the hurt on both sides to light, not them. Even though a few people told us what happened shortly after my initial post, I was not going to tell Pastor Ray because many of those families were afraid of the potential repercussions on their recovering families if they shared information and it got back to the Ray family.

Beating the Dead Horse…. Again.

Throughout the process of going through the details of Stauffer’s actions from the past week, we feel that Pastor Ray defended Doug Stauffer and attempted to deflect any accusations by changing the focus and subject matter entirely. When we brought to light Stauffer’s continued harassment from Sunday evening until the meeting on Tuesday, Pastor Ray reverted back to focusing on my short conversation with Will Hess about the content of Matthew 18. In the comments on my initial post, I was confused on how Will Hess was referencing the passage, and I inquired about if Matthew 18 was about going to a person first when offended. Once again, however, I never accused Stauffer of not going to people first. I merely asked Will Hess for clarification on the TOPIC of Matthew 18.

Subtlety and Submission

Pastor Ray also presented, again, Stauffer’s false accusation of Matt not knowing about my posts/messages, despite that we had already clarified the statements on multiple occasions. When Matt merely stated that he had not seen the posts yet that day, he explicitly referenced them in the context of that he was at work and had not had a break to read the details of what Stauffer was harassing him about!  In light of Antioch Baptist Church’s extreme views on leadership and submission, the twisting of Matt’s words created the perspective that not only was I acting outside of the leadership of my husband, but that I was purposefully attempting to hide my actions from him. This automatically resulted in the assertion that Matt did not have proper control of his home, thus lacking even more severely as a leader and as a man in the eyes of the inner circle.  Then again, I had already been the discussion of the several within the inner circle about my lack of submission to my husband, and this only supported their previous conclusions.

The “Set-Up”

Two days after Stauffer’s carnal message, Stauffer went against Matt’s direct request not to contact/harass either one of us while Matt was at work, and when confronted, he asked if Matt’s opinion was the only one that mattered. When we brought this up to Pastor Ray in the meeting, he said that he had Stauffer pull out of the conversation because it was a “set-up.” We were confused on how it was a “set-up” when Stauffer was the one who did the harassing, but Pastor’s definition of a “set-up” was that there was no time to reply back between Matt getting off at work at 5pm and the evening service starting at 7pm. One important aspect to note, however, is that this is the ONLY situation that Pastor admitted to Stauffer’s actions being out of line.

Stauffer’s Deceitfulness

From the Tuesday evening meeting with Douglas Stauffer, I brought up to Pastor how Stauffer apologized for his actions, but then said on multiple occasions that he was defending Pastor Ray. Stauffer claimed Pastor had come to him and said, “You had better deal with it, or I will,”  thereby giving him the authority to handle the situation in the pastor’s stead. Not surprisingly, this turned out to be a manipulation of the truth as Pastor clarified his original statement to Stauffer that Stauffer needed to work it out with us. We brought up how Stauffer had said that he was going to come down on someone, but that he did not want them to have a head’s up. Once again, Pastor did not openly admit to any fault of Stauffer’s.

One interesting note, however, is that Pastor Ray asked us if we had been in communication with the pastor’s daughter of a church that split off from Antioch Baptist Church in times past. We were under the impression that this church was a “sister church,” but it turns out that many within the inner circle at Antioch actually had a disdain towards it. I had not had been in contact with her recently at that point, but I made sure to contact her afterwards to give her a heads up on to situation. We still have no idea as to the reason for this question, but we feel that Pastor was likely digging for information again or looking to corner or manipulate us again.

Ray and Stauffer’s Decision to Limit Further Documentation

Tara Williams*, a close friend of mine, frustrated and annoyed me to no end with advising that we not say anything “against God’s anointed.” No worries, she was well aware of my frustration, and she and I were still friends, but she attempted, at all costs, to place the Ray family and Antioch Baptist Church in a positive light. Even when people approached her for counsel, she advised them to try to remember what they first loved about the church. In no uncertain terms, I was tired of being told that Douglas Stauffer and Andrew Ray were men of God, and that we needed to show them grace and understanding. No amount of expressing this frustration to Pastor Ray seemed to have any impact on his view of the William’s* hand in the current situation.

In the process of defending the Williams’* testimony and character against sharing information and being used as their spokesman, I stated that I had sent all of the Facebook messages to Tara Williams*, despite her push to not speak against God’s man, because her family had been considering coming to the Bible Conference that week and they needed to know the truth about the dangers of coming. Upon learning that I sent this information to the Williams’* family, Pastor Andrew Ray asked if we thought that Stauffer should know of the Williams’* knowledge of the situation so he could “make it right.” We had our own opinion, but Pastor Ray later referenced this situation as the reason for determining not to have any written correspondence/documentation moving forward.

Simple Mind or Subtle Devices?

Amongst the chaos, one of the most baffling aspects of the meeting was when Pastor informed us of his belief that we should tell Stauffer more about my past with spiritual abuse so that Stauffer had a better understanding of where I was coming from. I had been posting information about spiritual abuse online, and yes, I was indirectly making the connections between the spiritual abuse I had endured in the past and Stauffer’s actions in the present. That information was specifically limited, but Stauffer went on one of the posts and attempted to make it look like I had been married previously, a state severely frowned upon in Independent Fundamental Baptist churches and ministries! We informed pastor that information is based on trust, and that we do not trust Stauffer.

Pastor proceeded to tell us that we do not trust Stauffer, and Stauffer does not trust us. He believed that we trust him- Pastor Ray- because we have talked in the past, and he hoped that if I shared with Stauffer about what I had been through (spiritual, emotional and mental abuse), that it might give Stauffer a better perspective of where I was coming from. Pastor Ray actually believed that talking with Stauffer would help to establish trust! The last thing I was going to do was give personal information to man who harassed me, went around my husband to attack me further, twisted my words on multiple occasion even after clarification, and then continued to defend his actions! Trust is earned, and Stauffer had only proven himself to be deceitful and untrustworthy in the past.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Our Pastor’s True Colors Begin to Show (Part Two)” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Pastor Andrew Ray is a pastor I had learned to trust and respect after several years in spiritually abusive situations. He had proved himself to be fair and honest, though with his own unique flaws, and his manner, unlike Douglas Stauffer’s, lent itself to an atmosphere of resolving issues with mutual respect and understanding. Just one week after Douglas Stauffer’s carnal message and my public Facebook post to call out the atrocities of that message and two others from Stauffer in recent months about the same topic, Matthew Olds and I walked hesitantly into the room to work through any miscommunications from Matt’s midweek meeting with Pastor Ray, when Pastor removed me and my husband from all ministries.

The toddler’s Sunday school classroom was the only other closed-off room besides Pastor’s office. Stauffer had already overtaken Pastor’s office with studio equipment and his own personal books to sell, and not only was one specific piece of equipment triggering from my past, but I did not trust Stauffer not to use any one of his plethora of devices to record the meeting without our knowledge. As we took our seats in the black folding chairs left from the Bible Conference, my mind raced through the difficulties of the previous week, made even more complicated by our pastor’s family informing us the night before that they were still expecting graciously allowing us to serve in the nursery and lead in the greeter ministry, both ministries that were incessantly short-handed since we lost about one-third of the church members last fall.

Internal Struggles

For the first time since Sunday, I was going to face my pastor and hopefully without the uncontrollable waterworks that prevented me from meeting with him Tuesday night. I felt immensely guilty and burdened by the idea that I had hurt my pastor’s family so deeply, and the wounds still burned from Pastor’s private messages to my husband about the writing being on the wall. On the other hand, I felt the resolve to stand my ground about being used for nursery when I had been forced repeatedly to concede throughout the week. Still yet, my husband pleaded with me to purposefully work towards a calm and peaceful resolution as to not harm his ability to serve any further. I needed to balance keeping my own boundaries while submitting to my husband and preferring others above myself.

I trusted Pastor Andrew Ray. He and I did not agree on everything, but I wanted to continue to trust my pastor despite the influence I believed Stauffer had over him, slowly shaping his mentality towards being overly critical, filled with paranoia, and needing a following to be established as an authority in the eyes of men. Unfortunately, I did not fully anticipate the strength of Pastor Ray and Doug Stauffer’s bond, nor did I realize how much the inner circle’s gossip would play a role in the meeting to come. My own pastor successfully manipulated us into a corner to get information, defended Stauffer and expressed his opinion that we should share more personal information with Stauffer, and justified his own actions from the fall while deceitfully implicating those who left.  And yet, because of what we feel was love-bombing and gaslighting, we initially left believing the meeting with Pastor Ray to have been reassuring, successful, and steered in the right direction towards reconciliation. If only we had an idea of whom our Pastor had become prior to the meeting, rather than being completely blindsided again by his behavior.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Our Pastor’s True Colors Begin to Show (Part One)” or click on the link below.

For a list of the complete series, click here.

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