Pastor Andrew Ray is a pastor I had learned to trust and respect after several years in spiritually abusive situations. He had proved himself to be fair and honest, though with his own unique flaws, and his manner, unlike Douglas Stauffer’s, lent itself to an atmosphere of resolving issues with mutual respect and understanding. Just one week after Douglas Stauffer’s carnal message and my public Facebook post to call out the atrocities of that message and two others from Stauffer in recent months about the same topic, Matthew Olds and I walked hesitantly into the room to work through any miscommunications from Matt’s midweek meeting with Pastor Ray, when Pastor removed me and my husband from all ministries.
The toddler’s Sunday school classroom was the only other closed-off room besides Pastor’s office. Stauffer had already overtaken Pastor’s office with studio equipment and his own personal books to sell, and not only was one specific piece of equipment triggering from my past, but I did not trust Stauffer not to use any one of his plethora of devices to record the meeting without our knowledge. As we took our seats in the black folding chairs left from the Bible Conference, my mind raced through the difficulties of the previous week, made even more complicated by our pastor’s family informing us the night before that they were still expecting graciously allowing us to serve in the nursery and lead in the greeter ministry, both ministries that were incessantly short-handed since we lost about one-third of the church members last fall.
Internal Struggles
For the first time since Sunday, I was going to face my pastor and hopefully without the uncontrollable waterworks that prevented me from meeting with him Tuesday night. I felt immensely guilty and burdened by the idea that I had hurt my pastor’s family so deeply, and the wounds still burned from Pastor’s private messages to my husband about the writing being on the wall. On the other hand, I felt the resolve to stand my ground about being used for nursery when I had been forced repeatedly to concede throughout the week. Still yet, my husband pleaded with me to purposefully work towards a calm and peaceful resolution as to not harm his ability to serve any further. I needed to balance keeping my own boundaries while submitting to my husband and preferring others above myself.
I trusted Pastor Andrew Ray. He and I did not agree on everything, but I wanted to continue to trust my pastor despite the influence I believed Stauffer had over him, slowly shaping his mentality towards being overly critical, filled with paranoia, and needing a following to be established as an authority in the eyes of men. Unfortunately, I did not fully anticipate the strength of Pastor Ray and Doug Stauffer’s bond, nor did I realize how much the inner circle’s gossip would play a role in the meeting to come. My own pastor successfully manipulated us into a corner to get information, defended Stauffer and expressed his opinion that we should share more personal information with Stauffer, and justified his own actions from the fall while deceitfully implicating those who left. And yet, because of what we feel was love-bombing and gaslighting, we initially left believing the meeting with Pastor Ray to have been reassuring, successful, and steered in the right direction towards reconciliation. If only we had an idea of whom our Pastor had become prior to the meeting, rather than being completely blindsided again by his behavior.
In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Our Pastor’s True Colors Begin to Show (Part One)” or click on the link below.
For a list of the complete series, click here.
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