Blindsided: Still Expected to Cheer from the Nursery

In addition to the stress within our own household the week of Bible Conference, I remembered that I was previously scheduled for Sunday School nursery. Surely, the gossip chain had carried far and fast enough for even the results of a private meeting to be shared amongst the inner circle, right? In our second meeting Tuesday evening, Pastor Andrew Ray removed Matthew Olds and I from all ministries for the unforeseeable future because “the men of the church [had] lost faith in [Matt].”

Would this hold true for serving in nursery as well, once the pastor realized that he shot himself in the foot? Of course not, but it would be unsubmissive of me to refuse when working nursery was to their benefit, a last-minute exception to the shameful and one-sided punishment! I stood my ground, resulting in not only a greater strain in our marriage, but in giving the inner circle more ground to view my husband as less of a man and even less of a leader in our home.

**Names marked with an asterisk (*) have been changed for the privacy of individuals and their families**

Treading Thin Ice

Prior to meeting with Douglas Stauffer and Pastor Ray on Tuesday evening, I messaged my pastor’s wife, Lula Ray, about working in nursery the week of conference:

“Crystal Olds (June 9 at 12:27pm): I am not discussing the situation, but since I am not in nursery tonight supposedly, am I taking someone’s place another night? We won’t be there for the second preacher any night because of Matt’s work.”

As of that point in the timeline of events, I was only aware of Douglas Stauffer asserting that I would not work in the nursery, not our actual pastor. Lula’s response was, “I am not involved in any of this.” Combine that with Pastor Andrew Ray cutting off certain communication between our families, there was no one else to bring the issue to besides Emily Jenkins* the one who organized the nursery schedule.

Even though Emily* and I have had past conflicts about breastfeeding in the church service and despite that our opinions still differed significantly, we had finally come to a form of respect and understanding about the other person’s position because of the effects of postpartum mood disorders. The last thing I wanted to do was strain that relationship more by potentially leaving her without a nursery worker on Sunday morning, especially during a time when her family was preparing for the arrival of their third child. I politely sent her this carefully-worded text message to make sure that she was aware:

Crystal Olds (June 9 at 5:47pm): Hey Emily*, I’ve been assuming that you already know that I won’t be working nursery for the foreseeable future, but I didn’t want you to be caught off guard just in case. If you’d prefer, I can just keep Joshua* upstairs for Sunday school for the month of June and just go down with him myself as necessary since he is the only one. Praying for you and Baby Eliana*. We can’t wait to meet her!

Response from Pastor’s Family

After messaging Emily*, I received a response back from Lula Ray, my pastor’s wife:

Lula Ray (June 9 at 5:55pm): Crystal, Emily* forwarded me your text about nursery. I had asked my husband earlier today about it, and he said it was fine to keep you on the schedule.

Is this ok with you?

Though the message was likely specifically filtered through her husband to remove the flair of southern charm, the response was still what we expected. Despite Pastor removing Matt and I from all ministries, greeting included, serving in nursery would be the exception to the rule. Was it because of a lack of workers or to keep my nursling out of the service as much as possible? We will never know, but I refused to be used by allowing them to take advantage of my desire to serve the Lord. My husband and I, both initially enraged by the expectation to continue in nursery, discussed how to handle the situation and decided that I would not be working in the nursery until we were clear to serve in ministries again.

Phone Call with Pastor Andrew Ray

According to a phone conversation between Matthew Olds and Pastor Andrew Ray that evening, when Pastor Ray had said on Tuesday night that all Matt could do was be faithful to church, sing the hymns, and say “Amen,” he also meant that he could still do the greeter ministry and I could serve in nursery. Both of these ministries were extremely short-handed as a result of the mass exodus last fall. My husband, blinded by the relief and excitement of being able to serve the Lord again even in the smallest capacity, could not see the psychological abuse of having everything taken away, followed by getting back a minuscule and insignificant portion, wrapped up in the disguise of expressing that they loved our family and wanted to see us restored. Matt and Pastor Ray set up a meeting for the following day to clarify any other confusion in this situation. Matt said he would allow me to decide about nursery, but he told Pastor Ray that he was thankful and ready to serve in the greeter ministry the next day.

Our House Divided Yet More

Because of my experience in a spiritually abusive environment in high school and college, and after seeing how Douglas Stauffer, the pastor’s ascending right-hand man, attempted to control our every move for the past week, I refused. Matt was infuriated because Pastor was gracious enough to allow us to continue to serve and I was potentially going to make the situation worse by standing my ground. For my husband’s sake, I resolved to look at the decision again after the meeting with Pastor on Sunday. Filtered through my husband, I sent the following message back to Lula Ray:

Crystal Olds (June 9 at 7:06pm): Matt and I talked right after getting off of the phone with Pastor a few minutes ago. I will not be working nursery until all of this is clarified in the meeting with Pastor.

Even this decision would look poorly on my husband’s position as leader of our home, as confirmed by Tara Williams* later that evening. Having been a person that everyone went to for advice, she knew first-hand that the inner circle had specifically said that I was not submissive to my husband, and her gut-reaction was to encourage me to work nursery for the sake of my husband’s name and reputation. As we continued to discuss the situation, her stance changed about working nursery, but by this point, I understood why a majority of people left last fall, and I was almost ready to leave Antioch Baptist Church. My readiness quickly turned to resolve after the meeting with Pastor the following day (Sunday), and after Matt informed me of an additional calloused confrontation about my breastfeeding outside of the mother’s room.

In this series I share my thoughts and opinions concerning these ministers and the events which led to my departure. Click here to continue reading: “Blindsided: Our Own Pastor- Friend or Foe?” or click on a title below. [Links will be added as new blogs are posted.]

Blindsided Series

Part One: Red Flags and Rose-Colored Glasses

Part Two: Calloused Carnality and Hidden Harassment
(Sunday, June 3, 2018- Tuesday, June 5, 2018)

Part Three: Navigating the Masks of Deceit
(Wednesday, June 6, 2018- Sunday, June 18, 2018)

Part Four: Discerning a Diotrephes: Douglas Stauffer

Part Five: When Closet Skeletons Speak

Part Seven: Rising Up from the Ashes

- Out of the Fire… With Buckets of Water
- Our Letter to the Witnesses
- Finally Speaking Out
- “What Really Happened (Part One)”
- “What Really Happened (Part Two)”
- Douglas Stauffer’s Private Message to Matthew Olds (December 2018)
- Yet Another Private Message from Douglas Stauffer (December 2018)

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Blindsided Series

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