Month: January 2017 | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Culture Shock

Most of you know I recently joined a mainstream church. Going there has been interesting at times… They can quote a verse and understand it completely differently than me, can use a Bible term I’ve thought I understood and mean something else by it, and sometimes have a very different perspective than I do on things. This week there’s been more of that…

Two weeks ago there was a business meeting. There are some major changes being considered, and a few that already took place (someone resigned a position). I missed the meeting, but two days ago in class the meeting was discussed. Emotionally. In front of everyone. And the door of the class wasn’t even shut or guarded! Eek! hee hee

Seriously, though, at my former church people got in big trouble for much less than was said in class. People only disagreed with the pastor’s decisions in very private places with very close and trusted friends… if they even did that much. When I left, there were two women who called me begging me to come back… and begging me not to tell their husbands or the pastor that they’d even called me. They didn’t trust their husbands to “reach out to a backslider.” There were some things that were only discussed in a car or in the privacy of a member’s house, just between two people. And even then in hushed voices.

He seemed very open and honest with me. He gave me some information about how the church operates, briefly explained what was discussed in the meeting, offered information about the doctrinal point that led to the resignation, and apologized if that was too much information.

I’m finding myself in a very nice place. Different language, different culture. New “foods” (Bible teachings), different clothes, whole different outlook. It’s weird sometimes. We live in the same country, in the same town, but I feel like I’m from a different planet. I like their culture. But sometimes something about it still surprises me. From now on I don’t think I’ll need to explain “due to past experiences.” I can just say, “Well, I think I’m experiencing a little culture shock right now. Could you explain…?” And as I look back over the last year and a half, trying to find a church, I realize there may have been several times my hesitation or concerns might have been culture shock.

This is a good culture. It’s a healthy culture. Maybe the difference between Siberia and small town US… or more. There are no travel guides I could read to prepare for this journey, no Pentecostalese-Christianese dictionaries… so there has been some culture shock to deal with. But it’s worth it.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #12: Can I Go To A Church Where I Don’t Agree With Everything?

In searching for a new church after leaving an unhealthy one, people often have questions such as these: Do you think it is OK to attend a church where you don’t agree with everything they believe in? Do you think God will fault us if we go to a church where we disagree with some interpretations of the Bible?

Even in the New Testament, we find that everyone didn’t always see things the very same way. The Bible speaks to the matter in Ephesians 3:

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ….It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. (verses 2, 3, & 12, 13- NIV)

One thing you will find, if you haven’t already, is that as you go forward in your walk with God, some beliefs are going to change or become more defined. This is because we are ever learning and growing. In addition, when one leaves an unhealthy church, there are often numerous faulty teachings that will be shed as you start looking into what was taught. So even if you found a new church soon after leaving, you may find that a few months down the road you are no longer in agreement in some areas.

Is it possible to find a church where you are in agreement on every single issue? My guess is probably not. Even while I was in the United Pentecostal Church, I didn’t always agree with the pastor on some issues. The ministers within this group do not see eye to eye on everything, thus there are numerous variations of some teachings.

As believers, we are to grow together in the Lord. To me, as long as a church teaches the essentials and isn’t into some blatant false teaching, then there isn’t anything wrong or potentially harmful with attending, even though you may not be in complete agreement.

Look at it this way. Are you married? Do you and your spouse see eye to eye on every matter? My guess would be no couple does. Should this mean the two of you should not remain together? Certainly not! The same applies to friendships.

There are areas where I personally feel a need to draw a line and this is probably true with most believers. Let me share an example from my own experience. When I moved to another state, I started attending a church that seemed OK. They were tolerant of the beliefs of others. But then there came a time when they began promoting an author who was scheduled to speak at their church. The main pastor proclaimed that he felt this author was a prophet for our time. I believe this author to be in error with things he teaches and believe he is far from a prophet. Making a proclamation that someone is a prophet was no small matter in my eyes after exiting my former church group. In this instance, I felt I had to leave. For someone else, it might not be a problem and they may be able to overlook it.

If you are looking for the perfect church, there is none and never will be. Even the very early Christians had difficulties, disagreements and problems.

For me, what matters are the basics. I wouldn’t have to be in agreement with everything in order to attend a church unless it was in a major area. Look for a church which fulfills the passage I quoted above- that prepares God’s people for works of service and is helping people to grow and mature and come to unity. A church like that will probably be a healthy one and differences in opinions and beliefs will be allowed.

Parents

When I lived at home, my parents insisted on taking me to a church that my sister and I both strongly disliked. There was no youth group. There was one class for all the kids, combined. Mom taught it, and it was just basic Bible stories. There was no real doctrine taught, and no challenge at all for me, the oldest in the class (of 3-5 kids). But Mom thought the church was like the one she was raised in. One with THE Truth… as she knew it.

I wanted more than that. I wanted to go to a church where there were others my age, where I could learn, where there were activities and where others wanted to go, not just went because it was the thing to do on Sunday morning. Even my parents disliked going. Many Sundays we went to Sunday School and then went home rather than going to service. Dad skipped even Sunday School more times than I can count… and one Sunday while I was sick I discovered he preferred Tarzan to church. Or maybe he just thought his sick little girl would prefer that to cartoons.

When I got my license I was excited. I thought I might go somewhere else. Mom told me I would not be driving, that we would go to church as a family. To the church she chose. When I moved away to college, at the end of the day she handed me a phone book and told me they weren’t leaving until I chose a church to attend on Sunday. There was no discussion about trying out a few churches. Nothing about the possibility of going to chapel at the college. Just, “Here’s the phone book. We aren’t leaving till you choose a church.” And something about so many college kids quitting church entirely.

I had no intention of quitting, but I did want a better option than what I’d had growing up. A friend had told me about a visit to her grandmother’s Pentecostal church… and when I opened the phone book that day and saw that there was a Pentecostal church in town, I knew where I wanted to go.

Mom flipped. Suddenly I was informed that I needed to try several churches. It was clear they didn’t like my choice, but it was the end of the day and they had to go.

I visited one other church in town. None of the others appeared to be options for me at the time. And though I liked the other church, Pentecostal had my full attention from the first day I visited. There were others near my age. People wanted to be at church. They actually opened their Bibles at church. They could quote scripture rather than (as at my former church) taping the most familiar, like the Lord’s prayer, to the pulpit. There was an excitement there. So that’s where I chose to go.

My parents strongly disliked my decision. They came to visit. Dad brought me a copy of a book about why tongues were wrong. Mom argued. She told me she thought I had damned my soul by being re-baptized (a misinterpretation of “crucify the son of God afresh”). Dad tried to force me to wear pants to go to church when I was home (too cold for a skirt, looking out for my interests: “You will not leave this house!”). Dad threw fits about my new boyfriend, throwing some of the worst fits I had ever had directed at me. They argued and challenged… and everything they did only spurred me to continue going and solidified in my mind that I was right.

The fights have never stopped completely, sadly. I left two and a half years ago, but Dad still presses for where I go to church, what kind of church, and so forth. And if I ever told him it wasn’t Pentecostal? There would just be more that he would pressure me to do in that case, I’m fairly certain. Because if I’m not Pentecostal I should dress like he wants me to dress, marry who he wants me to marry, talk like he wants me to talk, do what he wants me to do. Sound familiar? Sure. Pastors insisted that I would do those things, and for years I didn’t question what they were doing, because Dad had always done the same thing. And Mom backed him, even on things that were wrong, harsh, and extremely disrespectful. “Honor thy father and mother” was quoted at me, but they never realized that ‘honor’ doesn’t mean ‘do everything they ask without question.’

We had another fight nearly a week ago. I haven’t called them since. We usually talk several times a week. But this time, with Dad blaming church and a request from the college for parents to stay away for awhile or rarely coming to visit, and then pressing and pressing- question after question: “Where do you go to church?” “What church?” “What’s the name of it?” “Where?” “What church?” “Where are you going to church at?!” I finally had enough. I really don’t know what I’m going to do now. I wish they would respect me for who I am (or who they know me to be) because I don’t feel any desire to let them know who I’ve become when they continually refuse to accept who I’ve been.

They don’t even go to church themselves. Not even for the major holidays usually. Dad just within the last two years figured out that the priests who are mentioned in the New Testament weren’t Catholic priests, and that the Catholics weren’t the ones who wanted to kill Jesus. And then there’s the number of times that Dad has said that Pentecostal preachers are wrong for telling people what to wear (and do and so forth) while doing the same thing himself.

I’m conflicted. I’d like to just be myself. But no matter who I am, they have never been satisfied. At least this battle is familiar. Or was until last week. Now I’m not so certain. If I choose to stay in a hotel when I go home and not call them as much, it will hurt them. I love them and I don’t want to hurt them. But sometimes people are hurt because their own choices drive others to make decisions they won’t like. My parents may very well have done that.

Intentional & Unintentional Spiritual Abuse

I wanted to share a few thoughts on intentional and unintentional spiritual abuse. One thing I try to remind people about is that a great many who are involved in unhealthy churches are sincere in their beliefs. They often believe that what they are doing is for the Lord. They feel they are standing for ‘truth.’ Many of us can look back at our own time in our respective groups and see this in ourselves.

So in this, some hurt others. It’s not because they wanted to do so and they may have no clue as to the extent of the damage they cause. They feel they are sincerely following and serving God. Of course, this doesn’t alleviate the harm inflicted upon people.

To show a biblical example, let’s remember Saul. He persecuted the church as a Pharisee. He truly believed he was doing what God would have him to do, in upholding what he felt was truth and taking a stand against what he felt was heresy from those following Jesus. He harmed many people in his days of persecuting Christians. He was sincere, but very, very mistaken.

So everyone that is spiritually abusive is not doing it with the wrong intent in their heart.

There are also those where being in an unhealthy church is all they know. They have watched a leader or someone they admire in the church and find themselves emulating them. In doing so, they harm others, all the while thinking their actions are what they are supposed to do.

I honestly believe that a good deal of spiritual abuse comes from sincere but mistaken and misguided people. I know for myself, that I became judgmental in things and felt I was in the right. I know I did things that probably hurt people at times, but felt I was doing it for their own good. I was so misguided. Do you recall any time you hurt someone, thinking all the while you were taking a stand for ‘truth’ and doing what God wanted?

I have stated in the past that if the Lord would have opened my former pastor’s eyes, and let him see all the numerous people he hurt through the years, that he would have been devastated. He hurt many people over many years.

But then there are those who cause deliberate harm. I find much less compassion for those types. I don’t like people using and manipulating people. When I watch those shows where they are about some man who causes women to fall in love with him and then takes all they have or the ones where people scheme in other ways to defraud someone…. I get angry. It is one thing to unintentionally hurt or harm someone and a totally different ball game when people knowingly do so. There are some ministers so afraid to lose their ‘kingdom’ or livelihood that they do whatever it takes to keep it and they care not who is harmed in the process.

I heard a story awhile back where such deliberate hurt was inflicted. I saw a glimpse of the pain they had inside. And when such happens under the guise of Christianity, it hurts much more deeply, I believe. Some people have much to answer to when they face the Lord one day.

Abuse, whether intentional or unintentional, feels the same- and this is mostly true unless one sees the deliberateness. But it can also be a little easier to process and sort through when one can see that some are simply caught up in a system and do not truly realize what they are doing.

The Character of a Man

“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” James D. Miles

I saw this on Facebook. It brought back memories. In my former church, the men were expected to be “manly”… to laugh and be tough if others or themselves were hurt. One of the first indications I had that something was dreadfully wrong with my former pastor was that he sat and laughed while his son poked the eyes out of a live frog, then impaled the still living frog on a stick and continued playing with it. Both were laughing. The thought of it still turns my stomach.

Blood doesn’t bother me. Cruelty does. If he’d killed the frog and disemboweled it, I wouldn’t have been surprised. It was that the frog was still alive while he continued to abuse it that disgusted me.

I think of that situation that night several years ago, see this picture and quote, and think of the men I now know. Men who seem gentle and kind, who don’t see those as weakness or effeminate characteristics, but as strength, and as the fruit of the spirit.

For so many years I listened while my former pastor told me there was something wrong with me. I prayed that “something” would change, that whatever was wrong wouldn’t be anymore. And for years it seemed like I lived in fear that I would end up leaving or being kicked out and do my best to stay. It’s weird to wake up and realize that all the time you prayed for something, you fought the answer to the prayer. It’s strange to realize that I asked God to fix whatever was “wrong with me,” not realizing that the thing that was most wrong was that I would stay in that environment to begin with.

I’m thankful that God answers prayers… even when we don’t know what we’re asking, and even when we don’t want or are scared of the answer we’re given. He does know what’s best for us, He does care for us, and He did answer my prayers.