Month: January 2017 | Page 7 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Concerned About Fellowshipping ‘Backsliders’

When people leave an unhealthy church, they are often concerned about fellowshipping ‘backsliders.’ They’ve been told we are bitter and want to strike out or pull them out. That may be true of a few, but many of us went to great lengths not to strike out. What we have said has not been said in anger, but to reach out to others who were hurt.

I was United Pentecostal for 19 years. I was thrown out of a church in 2000 on false accusations based on only the pastor’s word or decision. I moved to another state to join a different UPC to avoid saying anything to anyone about what had happened, under the pretense of going back to college. Only the new pastor and his wife were aware that anything had happened, and I refused to blame the former pastor. The new one knew I’d been thrown out, and knew the accusation. I wouldn’t defend myself. I thought that somehow he must have discerned sin in my heart that I wasn’t aware of.

At the new church, people questioned my move and didn’t accept me. I ‘held on.’ In 2003 my new pastor died. The man who took his place eventually started doing things that concerned me. In 2009, I left there after being named in a lawsuit by someone who had told me personally that the basis of their lawsuit was false, most probably as a supporting witness. I left rather than perjure myself or be thrown out for not backing the suit. I tried to find a different UPC. One pastor wanted to ‘swap stories’ about what this church had done to us. I refused. Several others wouldn’t take me without a full explanation of why I was leaving. And so I left UPC.

All that to say this: My story isn’t so different than others’ here. Many of us swore we’d never leave. We left behind friends and sometimes family. We loved God and church and the people there. We stayed as long as we could. But at some point something happened and we were forced to make a choice we didn’t want to make and didn’t plan to make. Most of us experience anger and confusion, but also a deep sense of loss. These boards can be a sounding board for those who are angry or confused, or disoriented by the culture shock of leaving, but more than that they are a place to sort through things, to discover, to learn, to grow… And when needed, to mourn together a loss that most of Christianity can’t comprehend, though the loss originates from some form of religion.

Blessings and peace to you all in the new year.

Irrational Fear of Loved Ones “Left Behind”

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned a little about some of the toxic beliefs my stepdad’s deceased adoptive mother espoused. Seeing how the beliefs that she had impacted how she dealt with people has helped make me understand some of his antagonism towards that brand of religion.

His adoptive mother went from Methodist to Baptist, and her second husband had been raised United Pentecostal, but didn’t follow their beliefs or lifestyle. They both attended a Baptist congregation that was hardline in some respects, and this was the group that influenced my stepdad’s beliefs the most as a kid.

After her second husband eventually died, she started attending a Pentecostal congregation that was Trinitarian and standards-free, but still had the emphasis on a pre-millennial “rapture.” She had a major sense of fear that this event was going to happen at any moment and that my stepdad would be “left behind” because he wasn’t living a Christian life according to her standards.

Having only attended a service at her congregation once and heard a homily preached by her pastor at a funeral once, I don’t know if the church was actually teaching that much fear or if the fear was my stepdad’s mom’s take on things. I recall my stepdad’s mom having major fear issues that even her pastor remarked about when she was meeting with my stepdad and mom to plan her funeral.

One thing that is obvious, though, is that fear-based teachings don’t create effective disciples. If anything, they help create dysfunctional followers who are more absorbed in their particular group’s teachings than the Gospel.

We know that perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), so fear-based teachings don’t have their origins in God, but rather human brokenness. Another thing to consider: not all Christians believe that the catching up of the Church happens prior to the Second Coming. This event, regardless of when you place its timing, shouldn’t be used as a prop to try to scare people into repentance with.

Remember, the words of 1 Thessalonians 4:14-18 are designed to comfort, not scare. Using these words to push an agenda of fear is something that we should all rightfully reject.

Myths About Spiritual Abuse

Previously I picked up a used copy of a book on the subject of rape (Telling by Patricia Weaver Francisco). It is a first hand account of a woman who was violated. Something she wrote in the prologue caught my attention, as similar can be said about spiritual abuse. Here is what she wrote:

“Myths,” said Cassandra Thomas in talking about rape, “keep us from doing the work we need to do based on truth.” And one of the myths we live by is that rape doesn’t exist. Not really. Not like baseball and heart attacks and love affairs and taxes. Not like the things we talk about together in the evening and feel the need to understand. We don’t talk about rape partly because we are bound by superstition. I couldn’t survive it. I might feel differently about sex. These myths keep women and men from having the conversations that might save our lives, our loves.

Substitute ‘spiritual abuse’ for ‘rape’ and see if you don’t see the similarity. There are definitely myths and misconceptions about spiritual abuse and it occurs with more frequency than many realize.

What are some myths and misconceptions about spiritual abuse that come to mind? One that I quickly thought of is those saying that people upset about the color of the paint or carpeting in a church are crying abuse, in an attempt to make the thought of abuse in church appear ridiculous and frivolous. While some misguided individual might proclaim this, in over two decades I have never had anyone contact me because they felt abused when the pastor had a church wall painted a color they didn’t want or like.

Another is that spiritual abuse is about people who are upset they didn’t get to do something, like teach Sunday School or sing in the choir. Or that it is some personal grudge about a matter. Again, the attempt is to make spiritual abuse seem frivolous and therefore discredit it, making people who have been abused to appear to be a bunch of whiners and complainers.