Relaxing in the over-sized chairs of the pastor’s office, each woman exhausted from an informative but draining week at missionary training camp, the pastor’s wife opens her Bible to 1 Corinthians 11:3. Her calming but authoritative voice fills the room, “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (1 Corinthians 11:3 KJV). She pauses for a moment to pray before beginning her evening lesson: “God is the head of Christ. Christ is the head of man. Man is the head of the woman. Just as it would be wrong for a man to go around Christ to get to God, it would be wrong for a woman to go around her husband to get to God.” Despite adamant disagreement from her daughter, citing “For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus” (1 Tim 2:5), the pastor’s wife delivers a piercing glare and continues with prior-approval from her husband. “A wife should never speak poorly of her husband, not even to God. To do so would be to go around her husband.”
Back in the main classroom the following morning, the pastor continues his wife’s bizarre lesson by sharing that a wife should confess all her negative thoughts about her husband directly to her husband, and not to the Lord. He encourages the wives, as his wife does, to make lists during the day of all their thoughts to confess to their husbands when they return home from work. This method supposedly establishes accountability and transparency between a husband and wife, the husband also agreeing to confess his thoughts and any inappropriate sightings during the day. I can still feel the tightening pit in my stomach as I read the words across the laptop screen from my husband, “I want you to confess your thoughts to me.” Both of us attempting to please the Lord with the knowledge we recently gained, I agreed to my husband’s request until we later realized the gravity and gross overstepping of boundaries that evening.
While the Bible explicitly states that wives are to be in subjection to their own husbands as unto the Lord (Eph 5:22), and men are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it (Eph 5:22), Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches tend to graze over the verse immediately before these commands, “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Eph 5:21). They completely ignore the concept of mutual submission, an idea that our IFB Bible college taught regularly despite the intense pastor-worship. Within the last year, my husband and I left an IFB church that overemphasized leadership and submission to the point that many of the women presented little to no personality of their own, while the men were exhorted to take their place in the ministry. Using methods directed towards man’s pride in providing for his family, and towards the woman’s emotional state in caring for her husband and children, husband-wife relationships quickly shifted out of balance. Our pastor preached “The Leading Lady” multiple times, a message on four distinct methods women in the Bible used to lead their husbands.
“The Leading Lady”
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection to their own husbands.” 1 Peter 3:1-5
After reading 1 Peter 3:1-5 (above), the pastor prefaces the message by providing the context of a believing wife with an unbelieving husband, the wife still in subjection to her husband (vs. 1). A saved wife will win her lost husband to Christ by her conversation- not limited to words, includes actions- and thus the lost wife should not preach at her husband because, “There’s something in a man that does not do well when he is told by a woman what to do.” While this may be the case, it assumes that only a man can righteously and justifiably resist the command of the opposite gender, while a woman resisting constitutes rebellion in her heart against authority and against God.
After continuing to encourage husbands and wives to establish the proper order of authority for the sake of their prayers not being hindered (vs. 7), he encourages men to help their wives “once in a blue moon.” He states, “A woman gave herself to minister to you. Every once-in-a-while, get her drink.” Instead of asking when she is going to put something away, go on ahead and place it where it belongs. The stark reality is that a large percentage of men in IFB churches expect their wives- and wives believe it to be their God-given purpose- to serve them hand-and-foot with houses cleaned, table set for dinner, children tidy and wives dolled-up before they arrive home from work, declaring such presentation “the least she can do.” Once a year, in a church we attended, the women would go through the fellowship line first for the sole purpose of serving their husbands first, before returning to the line to get food for themselves and for their children. This church also preaches from the pulpit that the husband should be served at the dinner table before the children. This does not represent a partnership or relationship ordained by God, but indeed an indentured servant-hood painted as a virtuous woman being a “help meet” [help-sufficient] for her husband. “A woman gave herself to minister to you”? The Biblical approach is the man and woman gave of themselves to minister to each other as one flesh.
Before getting to the main points, the gross misunderstanding of God’s design for marriage further protrudes with the idea that the woman does not need the man; the man needs the woman. “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Gen 2:18). He concludes that when a wife passes away, her husband typically passes quickly thereafter, but when the roles are reversed and the husband passes away first, the wife “just keeps on going,” proving the woman only needs a man for his finances. Such a declaration is not only preposterous but degrading to both men and women alike. Is a man’s value limited to his finances? Are women only able to attain in a relationship to the depth of financial need? A woman, however, should be “thankful” that she is only scripturally required to submit “to her own husband,” not every man in the world. If a woman does not want to submit, however, she should not marry, and should consider the rebellion in her heart that is not of God. This mindset is not only unbalanced scripturally, but detrimental to God’s intentions and desires for marriage.
Alas, we finally arrive at the four ways women in the Bible indirectly lead their husbands without commanding them.
- The Persuasive Wife: Sarai (Genesis 16:1-6)
In the Old Testament, Sarai is well-stricken with age and barren, impatiently waiting for the promise of a seed through her husband Abram. Instead of trusting God, she presses and persuades Abram to sleep with her handmaid, Hagar, that she may have seed through her. Because Abraham does not lead in refusing Sarai’s arguments, not only does Hagar conceive a son that would result in fighting and wars for centuries to come, but Sarai responds by blaming Abraham, “My wrong be upon thee” (vs. 5). Despite that it was Sarai’s plan, she tells Abraham “It is all your fault,” because the responsibility always comes back on the shoulders of the leadership.
- The Manipulative Wife: Rebekah (Genesis 27:1-13)
Isaac, the son of Abraham, and his wife Rebekah have twin boys, Esau and Jacob, whom the Lord declared would be two nations (Gen 25:23). On the day set for Isaac to give Esau his blessing, as is custom for the firstborn son, Rebekah formulates a plan for Jacob to disguise himself as Esau, fooling her dim-eyed husband into giving Esau’s blessing to Jacob. With Jacob covered in goat’s skins and wearing his brother’s garments, Rebekah gives him savory meat to present to his father, and Isaac blesses Jacob before he dies. “Things were not working out how [Rebekah] wants them to. Isaac thinks he is leading, but Rebekah KNOWS she is leading.” Are the husbands the ones leading in their homes? “If you have to look over to your wife for approval, you are not the one leading.” Wives are admonished to never manipulate their husbands while husbands are exhorted to make sure they are not being manipulated in their own homes.
- The Emotional Wife: Samson’s Wife (Judges 14)
After Samson finds a daughter of the Philistines to wife and presents the Philistines with an impossible riddle, the Philistines threaten Samson’s wife for the answer. Instead of telling Samson about the threats, the woman accuses Samson of hating her and not loving her, weeping before him for seven days until he finally gives her the answer to the riddle. The tears of a woman will knock a large percentage of men on their knees, and she used her tears to lead him. “Quit using your emotions to lead your home.”
- The Mothering Wife: Jezebel (1 Kings 21)
Because Naboth refuses to give Ahab his vineyard, Ahab throws a temper tantrum in front of his wife, Jezebel, refusing to eat and turning himself away from her on his bed. Jezebel is the mom: Ahab is the child. Jezebel turns to him and say, “Does thou now govern the kingdom of Israel? I will give thee the vineyard of Naboth the Nezreelite (1 Kings 21:7). Mama will take care of it for you.” Jezebel proceeds to write letters in her husband’s name, has Naboth killed, and then says, “Go enjoy your vineyard.” Women often complain about a husband who will not grow up and be a man. “Then stop mothering your husband. Stop telling him what to do, how to do it, when to do it, creating an environment where he is dependent upon you. He is not going to become a man as long as you are doing that.” Women are encouraged to step out of the way so their husbands can lead.
Ironically, one of the statements we heard often in our IFB Bible college is, “The reason a counterfeit is dangerous is because it is so close to the truth.” The examples of women indirectly leading their husbands contain truth, but they are severely imbalanced, twisted to instill distrust between a husband and wife, placing the burden on the woman to never express more than a gentle opinion or disagreement, and to step back, allowing her husband to make every decision in the home. In my own marriage, as an emotional woman, I felt like I had to hide my tears and my emotions from my husband in order to not lead him, even in situations that caused great heartache. It set my husband on edge as he felt that he had to make sure he was not being led indirectly in every facet of life. Any balance we previously found in marriage became a battle of leading verses submission because he needed to make sure he was not being mothered, and I needed to suppress any emotions during conversations.
The pastor concludes by admonishing the congregation through fear to remember that there are other subtle ways to lead without commanding. “You’re hindering your husband by not fulfilling your God-called roll in your home…At the judgement seat of Christ, is there is going to be some reckoning for how we led our homes. Get out of the way and let him grow into what God wants him to be, or else you’re leading.” He warns that boys raised in a woman-led home become effeminate, lacking influence of males like they need. Because of this, they will deal with everything emotionally and will be become effeminate men like we have today. “It’s because a generation has been raised by women.” He encourages the men to be gentle, but leaders. For the women, he rebukes, “Ladies, step out of the way. Don’t use your emotions. Don’t command him. If you have a problem, take it right to God – the one place you can take it- and it will mend many things broken in your home.”
Since when is prayer the only place a woman should take her complaint, rather to than her husband? Since when should a woman not express her opinion, particularly in an area of importance? Do some women attempt to manipulate their husbands? Yes. Do some women mother their husbands? Yes. But the solution is not for a woman to cower in the silence and bondage of extreme submission, while her husband is magnified on a pedestal of honor, lest they accidentally lead their husbands and destroy their homes. God never intended for women to be the stepping stones to a man’s glory. He gave women their own intellects, minds to be able to formulate individual opinions and decisions, not simply to take care of the home, but for men and women to support each other through life. If I can help it, I will never be in another church that teaches such extreme views on submission again because of its destructive power in the home.
*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine and standards. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.
Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)
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