Curling up under the dense burgundy comforter, black embroidery swirls nauseatingly across the threads in intricate array, adorning the California-king sized bed in romantic wonder. The once mouth-watering aroma of garlic-butter strip steak and smooth, oven-baked mashed potatoes infiltrates the bedroom, seeping repulsively through the tiny crack peering from underneath the slender door. Oh, no. Not again. She bolts off toward the bathroom, wrapping her arms around the large porcelain bowl, her pregnant body revolting against the sandwich she managed to choke down at lunch.
Exhausted after nearly two months of forceful vomiting and fainting spells, hospitalizations and intravenous fluids, Erin longs for the promise of second trimester bliss without the debilitating round ligament pain shooting through her waist and thighs. As she stumbles back to bed, her hair falling disheveled across the tiny pillows, misshapen from excessive use the last few months, a delicate card on the night-stand catches her eye. Two days ago, after work, her husband, Rick, slipped into the room while Erin rested, gingerly laying a letter next to her dimly-lit lamp, “I’m looking forward to having some fun with you tonight!” Please, Lord, not again tonight. I love him dearly, but I barely have the strength to shower in the morning, much less be romantic. I know I committed to being available whenever he needs me, but the other night was horrific. I simply want to sleep.
Despite the enhancement in her marriage and the closeness she felt the first month, intercourse has been excruciatingly painful since the beginning of pregnancy. She forces herself to push down the tears, but the last few times, she could not hold them back any longer. Tears stream down her face until her husband is satisfied. I gave him permission. I made the commitment. It is for our marriage. Lord, forgive me for being rebellious and wanting to have control over my own body.
Erin lays back down and allows her eyelids to close, hoping for only a few minutes of slumber to calm her queasy stomach. Suddenly, a familiar hand caresses her thigh as moist lips press tenderly against the side of her neck, carefully traveling up toward her ear. Lord, please give me the strength to please my husband.
God created sexual intimacy to be a beautiful expression of love between a husband and wife, but when man corrupts a time of greatest vulnerability in marriage, the possible damaging impacts are infinite. Tragically, certain Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches apply the teaching of a woman’s submission to the marriage bed, an idea coined “sexual obedience.” While I have never been personally subjected to this heinous practice, my husband and I have visited IFB churches greatly injured by its adherence.
“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (KJV 1 Corinthians 7:4-5).
According to Biblical Gender Roles, an anonymous, Protestant harbor of extreme marital standards, the Bible commands a mindset starkly contrasted to common Christian practices today, one where the wife subjects herself to being physically available whenever the husband has sexual needs or desires. When addressing Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood, the author states,
“A wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body… a wife can humbly ask for a ‘delay,’ or ‘raincheck,’ but only for legitimate physical or psychological reasons and the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband.”
I rarely deny my husband sex of some kind. (I say no sometimes: I’m not perfect) …
I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband and would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business and he is now taking the steps to do it…it’s like a totally different man.
I will say though that this has not been without sacrifice on my part. I used to work nights, but I changed my schedule to be available to him in the evenings, so I make less money than I used to. I also gave up some activities so I can rest more. A big part of my problem before I started this was I was tired all the time and was too exhausted for sex.
But, also, and you’re probably not going to like this: it’s been difficult emotionally because I don’t like giving up control. Honestly, I’ve had to fight my own rebelliousness. Sometimes when he approaches me, I’m tired and lazy and just want him to leave me alone. Sometimes, I’m distracted and don’t want to drop what I’m doing. I don’t know how to put it, but it has been difficult to not have my way on this. That’s been the hardest part. I like being 100% in control of my body and now I have to make sacrifices, so, yes, it’s been difficult. Sexual obedience is a way of life. It requires a whole different mindset. My husband’s needs and fulfillment take up a lot more real estate in my brain now than they used to…”
In The Benefits of Being a Sexual Obedient Wife, Wynter is encouraged after making herself available to daily sexual intercourse,
“I think it is great that you recognize your own rebelliousness and your desire to control your time and your body. At the same time though- don’t beat yourself up. Recognize your sinful inclinations and then give those things to God…”
The author continues to admonish her to maintain being sexually obedient to her husband and to “realize that your sexual obedience is not just to your husband- but truly it is an act of worship to God himself for all he has done for you.” Sounds very similar to the teachings of Jack Schaap, the disgraced IFB pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, currently serving a twelve-year sentence for molesting a sixteen-year-old girl in his congregation!
The anonymous author reassures Wynter that her convictions are a testimony for other women, and that “keeping your husband well-fed sexually will not only benefit him in his endeavors outside the home, but it will benefit your marriage and your family by giving him the increased energy he needs to take-on life’s daily tasks.” Under the implication of supporting their husbands, women are expected to save energy often expended in secular occupation for their sex lives, teaching “Underneath Every Great Man is a Great Woman.” What better way to manipulate a woman into never denying intercourse with her husband than to teach that always affirming his needs will aide him in being a more confident and effective, provider and father! Alas, this anonymous author reminds his reader of the childhood song, “Obedience is the very best way to show you that you believe,” additionally applying it to situations of abuse.
One reader responded to his article, “Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood,” by explaining how her husband of nine years continues to have intercourse with her during pregnancy even though it is painful, assuring her, “It will only take a few minutes, and I’ll be quick.” As the wife states, “it never stopped.” The husband continues sexual intercourse with her while she is reading a book or even when she is crying, leaving the wife to “feel like his whore, or his piece of trash.” The remainder of her cry for help involving drinking to endure through sex and even into the boughs of depression can be found in the article, “Is My Husband Raping Me?”, a question to which the author responds, “It is IMPOSSIBLE Biblically speaking for a man to rape his wife. Abuse? Yes. Rape? No.” He then shifts the blame onto the wife:
“If he convinces her to yield her body to him, then no sin has been committed on his part. But it is very possible that even if she yields to him- there is still sin on her part. If she acts disgusted by him and acts like he has no right to have sex with her- then the sin lies squarely in her court.”
The icing on the cake is when he answers if the husband should go to counseling with his wife, the man responds, “Yes, I believe he should, but they should see a Christian marriage counselor that will exhort her to do what she should as a Christian wife and perhaps then can lead her husband to Christ in the process.”
Yet another corrupt facet of the various IFB views of leadership and submission, sexual obedience demands an off-setting of the balance God created in the marriage bed, the most sacred aspect of marriage. Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians emphasizes the wife’s body belonging to the husband AND the husband’s body belonging to the wife, a decree demanding mutual respect and mutual submission, not a supposedly Biblical-basis for male dominance in all aspects of sexual intimacy. God never requires His bride to follow Him, but rather waits patiently knowing man is but dust. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it, not to demand her obedience to fulfill his every desire.
*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.
Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)
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