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Will All of You Please Give It a Rest, Already!

This is exactly how my stepdad has felt about many of the conflicting, unhealthy spiritual influences that have played a role in his life. Having had prior unhealthy Southern Baptist involvement and dealings with United Pentecostal Church family members was bad enough, but to have had people pushing these beliefs on him all at made things even worse for a time.

My stepdad’s mother was very pushy about her particular beliefs to the extent that she thought she could dictate where he went to church and what he had to do to express his commitment to Christ. Her constant harping on him to start attending an “approved” (IOW, Baptist, or Pentecostal) church every Sunday lead to him being very put off on the idea of attendance that persisted for a long time.

My stepdad refused to attend any church for a long time and was fervently believing that every single one, without exception, was a cult. During this time, several family members of his got caught up in the UPC. The combination of his mother’s constant nagging whenever she got him on the phone and his other family members’ new-found enthusiasm for the UPC was like throwing gasoline on a wildfire.

The family members of my stepdad that were in the UPC made life very difficult for him for a while. Get-togethers were often a bit of a trial because they simply couldn’t refrain from interjecting their preaching at every chance. It was a question of who of the men was worse with bashing other groups and trying to usurp Jon’s position as head of the household whenever they were invited over.

Another unhealthy influence was one of my stepdad’s extended family members, who is close to him in age and was like a sister to him as a kid. Even though she lives in the Houston area, she would visit Odessa from time to see family or friends still living here, and her visits would always include heavy pressure to attend a UPC service with her. Unfortunately, at this point, he hadn’t gotten to where he would just politely decline.

Things with the UPC members in his family finally came to a head after my stepdad’s mother died. When he was having to deal with arranging the funeral, clearing out her house, and dealing with some other bad things going on at the same time, his lifelong UPC relative did something downright hurtful – she told him that if he didn’t join the UPC, she would have nothing further to do with him.

Ironically, after all the turmoil he went through with his family members over their UPC involvement, they ended up leaving the group of their own choice. He has no contact with them due to some non-related issues that arose afterward. My stepdad would finally start taking some “baby steps” towards recovery from spiritual abuse, but it’s been a long time coming. There will be more on that in the next post.

I think, in retrospect, a lot of my stepdad’s conflicts over religion with family members had to do with a lack of boundaries. His mother never respected anyone’s boundaries and tried to find ways around them when they were set. His other family members, likewise, also had no respect for boundaries.

When religious differences are sharp, boundaries that you enforce are essential. If you won’t attend their church under any circumstances, they need to hear a polite but firm “No.” No waffling, no non-committal, vague answers. When discussions of religion become a problem, they must know that that subject is off the table.
While boundaries don’t always fix things, they can help make a world of difference for your own peace of mind.

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Tithing Food Stamp Money

Through the years I have heard reports of pastors demanding people to tithe on the food stamp/assistance money they receive from the government. This came up in one of our support groups again yesterday and I decided to blog about it.

Many churches demand that people tithe if they wish to be a member. Some demand it whether or not you officially join a church. Many claim one is robbing God if they do not pay the church or the pastor 10% of their income. (Some pastors claim the tithe all belongs to them and separate offerings go to the church.) The church tithe today is nothing like the biblical tithe and isn’t given to the same people, but I will stop at that since it is not the subject of this writing.

Those who are eligible for food stamps/assistance are on limited incomes. No one should be requesting these people to tithe on their food stamps. Is a pastor taking food out of your mouth, and the mouths of your family members? It is ILLEGAL. Did you get that pastors and church members? Depending on the amount of money involved, it is either a misdemeanor or a FELONY to use the food stamp money belonging to someone else. It was not issued to you, Pastor. You were not approved to receive the funds or the food which those funds purchase. Asking or demanding people to tithe on food stamps is encouraging people to help you commit a crime. You are jeopardizing their benefits. Demanding such, under penalty of the loss of salvation or a curse from God is despicable.

This has happened in Oneness Pentecostal and other type churches. A man named David has alleged that the late L.E. Westberg, a United Pentecostal Church minister and pastor, required it. (“Church members on government assistance was required to pay tithes on food stamps Darlene would prepare a list of food she liked and the members would have to pick it up.”)

If the pastor of your church has demanded such from you, DO NOT use those funds for the pastor by purchasing food items for him/her. If you have been doing this, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Do not allow the pastor to use your food stamps or card. Do not accept a list of items that the pastor or their spouse demands you to purchase for them with those funds. You do not owe the pastor or church one penny of that money.

Report any such pastor to the appropriate Office of Inspector General (OIG), USDA, as they investigate criminal violations of the Food Stamp Act. This PDF file will give you the proper address to send a complaint. Please do not give any pastor a pass on this. Even if you did not give in to the demand, others probably have. If a pastor is that bad off, then he/she should apply for their own food assistance.

A religious group is currently in trouble for taking food stamp money from its members. If your pastor requires this of you and others, he/she could be next and should be. It is not a matter of religious freedom- it is called breaking the law and greed.

Edited later to add: Thank you to Suzanne Calulu at Patheos.com and all those on Facebook, Google and Twitter for helping to spread the word!

Informational post on speaking in tongues #9

This is just a little informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought. This addresses the doctrine of ‘initial evidence’ as taught by the United Pentecostal Church.

If speaking in tongues is the initial evidence of receiving the Spirit (I am speaking of Oneness Pentecostal teachings here), then why do so many also expect continued evidence after one initially speaks in tongues? (Note: I know that all Apostolics do not practice or believe the above in regard to the necessity of ongoing tongues.)

As mentioned in a prior post, we never see again that those who spoke in tongues in Acts 2, 10 & 19 ever did it a second time. And yet many proponents of this teaching not only expect to see this happen initially, but also expect to see its regular continued use.

How many have been told to ‘pray through’ after doing something wrong or seemingly wrong or if you left their church for awhile? To these people, ‘pray through’ means to pray until tongues come again. They want proof that God’s Spirit is yet inside you. Maybe you need it yourself, too. There is no faith at all in this, proof is demanded. It is as if some believe God’s Spirit regularly hops in and out of believers.

Not only is there the thought to ‘pray through’ to tongues, there can also be things said from the pulpit like, “If you haven’t spoken in tongues in the past week (month, etc.), you had better check yourself!” Why? Where is faith? Do believers lose God so easily? Is God’s Spirit so fickle that at the slightest wrong, He up and leaves?

Things like these and more mean that the teaching is not simply initial evidence. It is really initial AND ongoing evidence to them. They have a need for a sign that they, and others, are still okay with God. This is not walking by faith or standing on God’s promise to never leave, nor forsake, believers.

Think about it. If tongues are indeed ‘initial evidence,’ why then is there such a push for the necessity of continuing to speak in tongues, especially when it is never found in scripture? When did you ever read Paul pressing believers to ‘pray through’ again till they spoke in tongues? When did Peter ever teach that if you haven’t spoken in tongues in a month that you’d better find out what is wrong? These doctrines are not taught, or seen as examples, in the Bible.

So, I say tell it like it really is. They don’t mean just initial evidence—they really mean initial AND ongoing evidence throughout your entire walk with God.

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Shopping

Don’t know how to title this. Today was the first day since leaving church that I went shopping at a time and in a place where I would probably meet people from church. What an odd situation! Where before when I shopped I felt I needed to watch for people to witness to, today all I had to do is smile! I smiled because I wanted the Apostolics to know I wasn’t ashamed or sad about leaving. I smiled because I was simply happy to be out. And because I got some really good deals.

Generally when I went out as an Apostolic, I didn’t notice people around me. Today I did. I heard their conversations and I saw how people interacted. No one in the store was Apostolic at first. Then a whole bunch showed up at once. One walked by me repeatedly, talking loudly on her cell, “In Jesus name!” “Uh-huh! My, my! Momma, you gotta come by later!” “Oooh, sis!” “God bless!” She seemed so dramatic and rude. She pushed by people, and walked around and around people without ever acknowledging them.

On the other side of the store, I heard two sisters talking. I had almost walked up to them without seeing who they were, but then they got pretty loud. I looked closer- sure enough, Apostolics! Another few walked past without acknowledging me (or anyone else). Several of them would have previously considered themselves my friends. Today I was embarrassed for them.

As I prepared to leave, one of the Apostolics came up to me. I doubt she knows I’ve quit, but whether she does or doesn’t, she quietly talked to me about this and that item, smiled and wished me a good day.

I wonder if any of them know that their unfriendliness while I was in was part of the first clue that I should leave? I wonder how many ‘backsliders‘ they have pushed away in rudeness when they could have done the Christian thing and reached out in love? How many ‘sinners’ in that store saw them today more as I did, as embarrassing, loud, and inconsiderate? How many people hear their coded cell phone talk and turn away in disgust, while they actually think all their “Jesus name!” “God bless!” on their cells or in person is a form of witnessing or “not being ashamed of Jesus?”

I haven’t seen that many Pentecostals in one place since I left. It was sad to see them all together today, not because they rejected me but because they were projecting a totally wrong image of themselves to the ‘world’ they talk so grandly about winning. And I’m convinced they felt they were doing the right thing, or had no idea that there might be a better way.

“What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”

I have random thoughts as I read a quote from a famous person, or a passage in a book, or hear something while watching a movie and it triggers a thought about my former church or perhaps about spiritual abuse in general. Or it may just be a thought that pops unexpectedly into my brain or things that are talked about by others talking about spiritual abuse.

For example, I recently saw this quote: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another ‘What, you too? I though I was the only one.'” ~ C. S. Lewis.

It wasn’t the friendship part, but the “What, you too?” part that got me. When I first joined the spiritual abuse support group, I read a number of posts by many different people and could not believe the similarities between parts of my story and theirs. Many people had been through different situations than me, but still it was all the same in a way. People also told me that my story could be theirs.

I am not alone, I found out. It was not just me. So many of us knew something was wrong at church. But no one else wanted to talk about it. For me I knew to not speak it out loud. It seemed to be forbidden. Whatever it was, I thought I was the only one. So I kept it all pushed down out of mind. And so some of us stayed for years (18 for me) and accepted the abnormal for normal.

Now that I have been out for three years, I realize that some of the early ‘red flags’ I was getting, I should have paid more attention to. Hindsight is always better. Even when you consider yourself to be a rational person who would never get caught up in a cult-like organization.

So if you are here because you want to find out what in the world is going on and “is that really in the Bible?” remember, You are not alone.