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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #2: Anything You Say Can, And Will, Be Used Against You

You are planning to leave your church and are contemplating writing something, or talking to, the pastor. In a healthy church, this would be easy…but in an unhealthy one, it is best to be cautious.

We are familiar with people being read their rights upon arrest and part of what is said is that “Anything you say can, and will, be used against you.” Unfortunately, though an unhealthy church doesn’t warn you of this, the same holds true with them.

For years I have cautioned people against giving details in any email or letter they may write to a pastor when they leave. If you include anything perceived to be negative, it will most likely be used against you. That would include sharing any thoughts on doctrine being erroneous, how the church is run, problems, and so on. The letter itself, or portions thereof, may be shared with members and it might be featured in a sermon. In an unhealthy church, your observations and complaints may be shared in an effort to paint you in a negative light and to keep members from having contact with you. This, in turn, causes others pause who are having similar thoughts, by getting a glimpse of how they may be treated.

If you write a letter of resignation, and I would encourage it (more in a future post), keep it brief and simple. Avoid sharing your reasons for leaving. If you can do it sincerely, consider thanking the pastor or church for something that helped you during your time there or share that you leave with some good memories. I would not mention where you will be attending church, if you have decided that. (Some pastors will call the church to warn them about you.) By keeping it short and nice, you will save yourself some heartache and won’t be giving the leadership any ammunition to use against you. Keep a copy for yourself.

The pastor may push to meet with you, but understand that the purpose may be to persuade you to remain and perhaps tell you where you have gone wrong or attempt to scare you. While you may not have shared the reason for your exit, sometimes one can give off unspoken signals in the weeks or days before leaving. These may be interpreted as you being backslid, rebellious, unteachable, and anything else negative.

You have no obligation to speak to the pastor. If you know the pastor to be abusive, I would advise against it. Consider having someone go with you as a witness if you do meet. Be aware that sometimes they will take the opposite approach and perhaps even sympathize and promise things will change. This has worked in causing some to remain, leaving them trying to reach the proverbial carrot on a stick that will never be within reach.

For anyone interested, below is my resignation letter, with the church name removed. Today I would probably write it differently, omitting the part about changing churches. It was also written before I learned about spiritual abuse. Though he called fellow United Pentecostal Church pastors to warn them about me, I never heard of him sharing this letter with members of the church.

Dear Bro. Taylor:

Recently I have made the decision to leave the ___ Church and attend another church. I have not yet made the decision on which church this will be, but I am attending church services.

This has not been an easy decision to make, nor was it done hastily. It is not being done to hurt anyone. I feel that this is a move I need to make regardless of what anyone may think or say, be it good or bad. I myself have always felt that it was wrong to change churches unless you were moving, getting married, etc., but now feel that there are times when one may move on for other reasons than these.

I want to say that I have learned much from the many years I was a member of the church and have grown spiritually. There are things which you have taught that will always stay with me. I will always remember and love you and Sister Taylor.

Though I am still praying about which church to attend, I felt I needed to let you know about my decision to leave. I wish you and Sister Taylor the best. May God lead and bless you.

Again, guard your own heart in how you leave and maintain your integrity. And remember- anything you say can, and will, be used against you…..

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #1: You and Those Who Remain

So you may be thinking of leaving your church because you believe they are unhealthy, abusive, or you are no longer in agreement with some teachings. How should you go about this? There is a tremendous difference between leaving an unhealthy church and a healthy one.

Some become worried about how their exit may affect those remaining and what will be said about them. Unfortunately, in an unhealthy church you can almost never leave in a way that would cause people not to talk. I know it can hurt, but realize people are going to talk, even tell lies. You probably saw this happen while you were involved and maybe even participated. There isn’t anything you can do to stop it, so learn to rest in the fact that you know the truth about your exit and so does God. You will be spinning your wheels if you run around, trying to put out all the little fires caused by wagging tongues. It will also hinder your own healing and recovery as your time and energy will be spent on them.

As to those remaining, trust that God will take care of them. Yes, your leaving may hurt and cause some to question, even result in some shunning or thinking ill of you. Yet you should not remain because of other people. This is about your walk with God, not theirs. You should do what you feel God is showing YOU to do. Think of your own well being and what remaining in an unhealthy church might do. If God opened your eyes to what is unhealthy and/or abusive or to erroneous teachings, He can do the same for your friends and family. Just understand that they may not be at the same place as you and may not be for months or even years down the road.

Don’t try to pull anyone out with you when you leave as you may cause more harm than good. Each person needs to be fully persuaded in their own mind. Take care in how much you tell current members with regard to why you are leaving or have left- and how you say it. Make sure you leave with a good conscience and guard your own heart and don’t do things you will later regret. It is one thing for people to believe or tell lies about your leaving, but it is another to have to live with doing things you know you ought not to have done. Keep your integrity even if others lose theirs.

In the future I will share some other issues about leaving that are important to consider.

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Stress. Anxiety. Depression.

Stress, anxiety and depression are caused when we are living to please others. ~ Paulo Coelho.

While I don’t think I ever had anxiety or was depressed while I was in my former United Pentecostal church, I did suffer from some stress. Trying to please other people, mainly those in charge, was stressful. Because you could never do enough to please them. Never.

I was sick one Saturday morning and didn’t even wake up until 10. That was when everyone going on visitation left. No one bothered to call to see where I was and I did not call in either. But the next Saturday, in front of everyone, I sure got the filleted-drawn and quartered treatment about not being there EVERY Saturday (as I had for weeks and weeks and on time while others came if the notion struck them). This was the pastor’s wife who called me out. She, who hardly ever showed up on time for some of these functions. But I seriously think she liked making the belated appearance. If you came after she did you are not dedicated to God or the Church.

I always felt that God was so much easier to please than any human agent. Humans just have their own criteria they go by and you need to measure up OR ELSE!

Read Tired of Trying to Measure Up by Jeff VanVonderen if you have problems with those hard to please people.

I am convinced

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

I am the only one who can separate me from God. No one else can. Nothing else can. Death will only bring me closer to Him. Life will only teach me to be more like Him. The devil can’t keep me from God- the devil is only a fallen angel. No one has enough power or authority to keep me from God. Not anyone in government. Not anyone in leadership or business. If my parents try to stop me, they cannot. No spouse, no child can keep God from loving me. No pastor, no saint. No one can keep me and God apart. If I am on the mountain, He’s still above me. If I sink to the depths He’s been there before me, and He’s there with me, too. He will be with us always, even to the end of the world. He will never leave us nor forsake us. Others fail; God doesn’t. Troubles come; God will see us through. Jesus is the friend that sticketh closer than a brother. He sits by our bedside when we’re sick. He reaches out a healing hand when we’re wounded. He speaks and calms the storms in our lives.

Jesus loves you. He loves me. If you think God is punishing you, remember that He loves you. Trust Him. If you’re facing a difficult situation, look up for your redemption draweth nigh. It isn’t that Jesus has turned His back on you. Next time you think He has, take a good hard look at that back. See those scars? Jesus’ back isn’t the back of a judge, but a Savior.

Making the Right Decision

For years I’ve wondered how to know the will of God. We were told to seek God’s will, to pray and fast and study the Word, and hope we got it right. So “the Will” always seemed just out of reach.

Today I ran into a different version of the will of God, and liked it a lot. I stopped in to see a minister friend (non-Pentecostal) today. He knows some of my situation and asked how I was doing. We chatted for awhile. Then he asked, “So how do you feel about things now?” I asked what he meant and he said about leaving church. My answer? Happy. His response surprised me but it sure made sense. He said that was good, because if we are happy with a decision even after it is acted on, that generally means it was the right decision to have made.

Peace. Happiness. Joy. Some of the most elusive feelings in all of humanity, and yet in doing something totally “wrong” (leaving my church), I’ve felt them all. Not for leaving, no. I loved being in a Pentecostal church, and miss it. I don’t miss being Pentecostal, because I can be Pentecostal whether fellowshipping with a particular body or not, and I don’t miss my church, with its myriad problems, because it wasn’t really mine. No- I miss the ideal of church that was preached and portrayed as possible over the years.

So did I do the right thing in leaving? I wake up in the morning looking forward to the day. I enjoy going to church and am curious what the preacher will have to say. I’m coming to a place where I want to pray and read the Bible again, after several years of feeling prayer and Bible reading were only tasks to complete- and often troubling ones, at that. Now maybe those times can become a personal commitment and special interaction with my Father. They can mean what they should again. Did I do the right thing? I smile more, laugh often, feel more rested and relaxed, and enjoy life more fully. I notice people more readily, and find them smiling back at me. I haven’t denied my faith, but rather sense that it is deepening.

Yes, I did the right thing.