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Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 4

I’m happy. I was concerned that I would have nightmares, that I would be so nervous I’d make myself sick, that I’d have last minute doubts… that I’d get food poisoning and wouldn’t be able to go. LOL

None of that happened. For me, getting re-baptized was the best thing I could have done at this point. I wanted it to be a faith thing, and it very much was. I didn’t want it to be a denial of anything I’d already experienced. There was only one person who didn’t understand who said anything. I didn’t try to correct her–I met her in a Bible study a few weeks ago and knew she had very little understanding of a whole lot of things. My decision would have confused her, so I stayed quiet.

Baptism was a very important thing to me. I stayed in Oneness churches, miserable, for nearly ten years simply because they baptized in Jesus’ name and no one else did. Standards played a very small roll, and worship styles and “moves of the Holy Ghost” played probably an even smaller one for most of those years. But baptism to me was huge.

I do have to say that the pastor was great today. I’m not sure how I would have reacted if he hadn’t said some of the things he did last week and this. He was careful both last Sunday when I joined and this Sunday when I was baptized to explain that I had been a Christian for “awhile.” Today he mentioned (without letting anyone know who had asked) that he’d been asked several questions about baptism recently. He then restated the answers he’d given to those (my) questions. Remembering those questions and answers at that moment was encouraging and reassuring to me. He also restated the meaning of baptism as signifying the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, which holds a whole lot of meaning for me. Though those may all be common practice for him, the significance for me was very meaningful.

Also, the words he said as he baptized us–and maybe he always does, I don’t know–was something like, “by the authority of Jesus Christ, upon your confession of faith and trust in Him, I now baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” That was really terrific. Any last minute concerns I might have had were gone after the first person he baptized that way. (hee hee I’d wondered if I might get there and in my mind be saying “in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus” but I didn’t!)

For me, it feels like things have come full circle. When I joined the United Pentecostal Church, I was told that I hadn’t really been a Christian before. But I was, and I couldn’t deny that. It put me on shaky ground. They told me one thing, I believed another, yet I believed what they preached about baptism and the Holy Ghost–the same things they used to say that I hadn’t been a Christian before I started attending their church. Things just felt out of kilter.

Over the last year and a half, there have been several times that it seemed like another piece fell into place and I regained a bit more balance. A few months after leaving, for instance, during an invitational at the church I then attended, they led “whosoever will” in a “sinner’s prayer.” At my pew that day, I modified that prayer to a re-commitment to Jesus, asking His forgiveness for my lack of understanding (through the years of trying to follow a church, organization or man, and trying to please people rather than Him), and asking His direction from that point. That was a wonderful day. It felt like the pieces reconnected somehow, that I could finally accept what had made a huge impact in my life as a child–accepting Jesus as my Savior. (Something strongly taught against in the Oneness churches I’ve been in.)

There have been several other times that it seemed like a piece would fall into place–talking to a pastor and questioning him without being rebuked, leaving one church for another and still being accepted at both, learning what others truly believe and finding out that I agree… and etc.

That really has little to do with baptism in itself. Someone else will find that balance and that feeling of fitting or of all the pieces falling in place another way. No matter where or how that balance is found, I hope we all find it. But for me, there was huge significance in that simple act today.

For me it was just a very, very good experience.

Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 1
Baptism and Re-Baptism Part 2

Moving on, blessing and cursing

My job ends soon. I’ve known Pentecostals in my past who prayed I would lose a job and who rejoiced when I lost a job, because they believed the job wasn’t the will of God for me or thought God needed to get my attention on something. There are probably people thinking the same things now. People from my former church have called and bragged that now they can get jobs, that the pastor told them they could probably get jobs now, and so forth. There may be people in my former church who even think God is punishing me by taking my job away.

This job was never supposed to last past a certain time. It actually lasted about 15% longer than it should have. I have a new job already lined up. There are other opportunities that may also present themselves. I’m not disappointed that it’s ending. I’m relieved. I worked, and worked hard there, threw myself into it whenever I had the opportunity, learned a lot, and grew professionally. And left church to keep my integrity and honesty. My job was made more difficult by my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ who threatened and blackmailed me and by a boss who wouldn’t believe that I wasn’t like them.

Earlier this week I emailed a goodbye and thank you to some former coworkers. One who attended church with me asked about a rumor. I responded to her on some other things, but completely forgot to answer whether the rumor was true or not. She questioned me again about it, laughingly saying I avoided the question. No, I forgot it had been asked. It was hardly worth thinking about. A year and a half ago a rumor like that would have been nearly earth shattering.

Clearing out my emails today, I read again some of the messages my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ had sent me. The messages seem almost petty now. “Like u care, but i…” “u avoidn my ? i no u don like wat i say but it tru…” Childish, unprofessional, but no longer bothersome in the way they were when they were written. They are still troublesome for the memories they produce, and I still react to them, but I realize now if it hadn’t been for the threats of a bullying, abusive pastor their statements would have meant nothing.

I’m looking forward to my new job. I’ve gotten numerous compliments and thanks from work associates in the past few days. I’ve sifted through and cleared out emails that reminded me just how much I’ve learned and done in my time at the job that’s ending. Several people have recommended upcoming positions in their offices. And a few have mentioned that they wouldn’t hire me when I held the job that’s ending because they needed me as an associate, but that since it’s ending they would do their best to get me on their staff. Sound like God’s punishment that I’m losing my job? Not hardly. A huge blessing, perhaps, in many ways, but not a curse by any means.

It still hurts when one of them goes out of their way to make a snide comment, but not like it did. What hurts now is not what they think, but that they call themselves ‘Christian’ when they do it, and knowing that I shouldn’t repay in kind. And it’s knowing that they believe I did them wrong somehow, when if I’d been more like them I would have hurt them first so they couldn’t have gotten me… and that if I’d done that, I’d probably still have the job and the church they say I’m cursed for leaving. On the other hand, it’s encouraging to know that I did the right thing in spite of their threats, bullying, and backbiting, and that whether they want to believe it or not, I know that everything has worked out even better than I originally planned… and that many of the things they consider ‘curses’ are actually blessings–and better than anything I could have hoped for.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #13: A Warped View of God

I swear on my soul, that if these men are speaking for God, I would rather spend eternity in hell than serve him. How are you supposed to love the God they represent? Unconditional Love? yet contradicted… Grace? yet contradicted…

Because all of that junk had completely clouded my view of Jesus, and I didn’t even know who he was anymore. Was he the harsh judge that was just waiting for me to show I wasn’t “holy” enough so he could smite me? Was he the one that demanded absolute perfection? The one for whom nothing was ever enough?

These are the feelings of two people who left their separate churches. Some find it hard to break from the erroneous view of God that they encountered in an unhealthy church. This can be especially difficult for those raised in one. Every time they see someone from their former group write about the group’s beliefs or they read Bible passages that were distorted in their church, they wrestle with trying to break away from the harsh taskmaster they came to know. But this isn’t the same Jesus portrayed in the Bible, but rather a false view that arises from erroneous teachings and how these are taught and applied.

Erroneous teachings can indeed cloud your view of God. They can give one a very different and distorted view. The tragic aspect of this, and one I have seen all too often, are people who can see the error of at least some of the teachings and yet have not yet been able to break from this distorted view.

This is what happens in a performance based church and while things vary from one unhealthy church to another, the teachings lead to performance based religion. While many will not say, for instance, that following outward standards is a matter of salvation, they will believe one is lost or at the least backslid if they don’t adhere. Many will say ‘it is better to be safe than sorry.’ These actually make them matters of salvation, whether or not it is specifically stated as such.

This is an excerpt of an email I received from a visitor to the spiritualabuse.org website. They are from the United Pentecostal Church and wrote:

WE strive to live Christ. Do we error? YES! But we try. There are some Pastor’s who goes over board, but for the majority, it is just about trying to make heaven our home. Yes, some things seem extreme, but in comparison to eternity, it is the least we can do. Our dress and appearance is simple a safety protocol we take to assure our success in making heaven our home. I hope you give this some thought.

Take note of what was actually said. It’s about trying to make it to heaven. It’s about safety measures. It is not at all about trusting in the finished work at Calvary. I don’t know how many posts I’ve read through the years where someone has written something like, “I’d rather be safe than sorry” concerning a teaching. And remember hearing church testimonies that said something like, “Pray for me that I will make it in?” They have no lasting assurance of salvation. In their mind, though they probably do not recognize it, salvation is based upon their performance and not on the completed work of Jesus on the cross.

There is a vast difference in being obedient to God and in obeying rules so one will be saved. The latter removes us from living in God’s grace and places the emphasis on us and our actions in order to make us acceptable. The good news from Jesus is that He paid the FULL penalty for all of our sins. He took away our unrighteousness and clothed us in His righteousness. We either accept this by faith or we will somehow try to earn our salvation.

And that’s what the performance based teachings lead people to. Many start out OK, but as time goes on, that initial joy of coming to Christ is replaced by an undercurrent of fear and worry…. that we will mess up and be rejected…. that God is almost anxiously waiting for us to err so He can zap us into oblivion.

What a horrid, horrible and unfair characterization of a loving Savior!

Do you struggle in this area? You may realize that the standards teachings or some other teaching is not a matter of salvation and many are not even biblical. You may know that through the teachings you developed a warped view of God. You need not remain in the position where the warped view continues to taint your perception. Your former church is still having influence over you and you are believing lies that will hinder you in your relationship with God. May your mind be set free to see Him as He is.

You do not have to live with a warped view of God. A good place to go for help is in the Gospels. That’s where we have the most information about Jesus. Just read them to read and not to study. I strongly suggest you use a different Bible than the one you have used in your former church, as yours might be filled with notes from sermons. Using another version other than the one you used should be helpful as well.

Culture Shock

Most of you know I recently joined a mainstream church. Going there has been interesting at times… They can quote a verse and understand it completely differently than me, can use a Bible term I’ve thought I understood and mean something else by it, and sometimes have a very different perspective than I do on things. This week there’s been more of that…

Two weeks ago there was a business meeting. There are some major changes being considered, and a few that already took place (someone resigned a position). I missed the meeting, but two days ago in class the meeting was discussed. Emotionally. In front of everyone. And the door of the class wasn’t even shut or guarded! Eek! hee hee

Seriously, though, at my former church people got in big trouble for much less than was said in class. People only disagreed with the pastor’s decisions in very private places with very close and trusted friends… if they even did that much. When I left, there were two women who called me begging me to come back… and begging me not to tell their husbands or the pastor that they’d even called me. They didn’t trust their husbands to “reach out to a backslider.” There were some things that were only discussed in a car or in the privacy of a member’s house, just between two people. And even then in hushed voices.

He seemed very open and honest with me. He gave me some information about how the church operates, briefly explained what was discussed in the meeting, offered information about the doctrinal point that led to the resignation, and apologized if that was too much information.

I’m finding myself in a very nice place. Different language, different culture. New “foods” (Bible teachings), different clothes, whole different outlook. It’s weird sometimes. We live in the same country, in the same town, but I feel like I’m from a different planet. I like their culture. But sometimes something about it still surprises me. From now on I don’t think I’ll need to explain “due to past experiences.” I can just say, “Well, I think I’m experiencing a little culture shock right now. Could you explain…?” And as I look back over the last year and a half, trying to find a church, I realize there may have been several times my hesitation or concerns might have been culture shock.

This is a good culture. It’s a healthy culture. Maybe the difference between Siberia and small town US… or more. There are no travel guides I could read to prepare for this journey, no Pentecostalese-Christianese dictionaries… so there has been some culture shock to deal with. But it’s worth it.

A False Sense Of Security

That’s really something to think about. You might liken it to some investment schemes. People have lost their life savings, or a good portion of it, by having a false sense of security in the investment plan offered by the scam artist. They truly believe their money is being wisely invested, with a guarantee of a profitable return. In the end, their security is shattered because what they placed their faith in ended up being false.

Some time ago, I read a book by the late Don C. Marler, former United Pentecostal Church member, entitled Imprisoned in the Brotherhood. While I disagree with aspects of the book, he brought up some points worthy of consideration. In the introduction he shares about the pursuit of truth and how it can feel like the person is on shaky ground when they start this journey. Many people who are involved in unhealthy churches get caught up in religion rather than a relationship with God. When one starts to question if what their church teaches is true or not, it shakes this religious foundation and it can be quite scary. Let me quote from Don’s introduction.

When one moves full tilt into pursuit of truth, he may find that the ground becomes shaky and his resolve to pursue truth wherever she might lead becomes tenuous. One learns that security based upon ignorance, prejudice, illusions, misinformation and blind tradition is a false security indeed. Old guideposts can no longer be relied upon. The prospect of seeking truth and following it fully then is often frightening. Not everyone can face it; some decide to keep their heads in the sand. The illusion of security is more tempting than the fearful journey into the unknown.

Some individuals believe that pursuing truth wherever she leads is dangerous because it destroys or weakens belief and faith. Beliefs should be open to change and one would hope that truth should prevail over mere beliefs. Faith, of course, is different from beliefs and should be strengthened by truth. Does it not require faith to seek truth?

A prerequisite for pursuing truth is the ability to be open and honest with self and the ability to recognize and accept that one doesn’t possess all truth. Another is the ability and courage to assume individual responsibility for one’s search and for the conclusion one reaches. The alternative to individual interpretation and definition of truth is an institutional definition and interpretation.

Why does the ground feel shaky when we start to question some teachings in unhealthy churches, whatever they may be? Have you seen ones who have started to question pull back because it is too upsetting to them? Is there a false security? What about individual responsibility? Or is it easier to “go with the flow” and remain entrenched in religion?

It’s easy to have it all laid out for you. You do this, this and this and then avoid that and the other and you’ll be pleasing to God. There’s a sense of security that can come by following such a list in an unhealthy church, but it is a false sense of security.

Think of the Pharisees. They had their list to follow and some of it was fully scriptural. But then somewhere down the road, the list became the focus, and the list grew and became more complex and detailed, so you could better keep what was in the list. They felt very secure in this. And yet it wasn’t a real security.

Jesus showed their hearts were far from God. Yet they felt they were quite saved and even above others. Children of Abraham. Keepers of the law. There was a false sense of security in their beliefs. Think about it….