Author: Chloe | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part 1)

Disappearing down the quiet trail, the morning breeze still saturated with the early dew, bright fluorescent lights shatter the darkness, illuminating the university track and field course, a mere hour before dawn. Jared’s strict regimen of daily work-outs and meticulous counting of proteins, calories and carbohydrates begins his marathon sprint to losing one hundred pounds by next school year. Because exercise and nutrition are vital to physical and mental health and stamina, a balanced strategy and program is imperative to ensuring the weight-watcher continues to maintain adequate sustenance without overexertion in order to develop a healthier lifestyle. This includes a baseline intake of calories, proteins, complex carbohydrates, potassium, electrolytes, vitamins, and the right form of cholesterol, all while burning adequate amounts of fat without consequentially destroying muscle and bone density. Without this guideline, the dieter creates a phenomena where the outside appears substantially healthier, but the inside is weaker and damaged from the extreme conditions imposed on the body. In like manner, the rigid music and dress standards of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches, imposed by pastors and by the congregants themselves for the sake of a healthier, well-nourished spiritual-life, are just like a bad diet plan.

While the outside seems to adjust by leaps and bounds, intricately constructed within the framework and silver-lining of legalism, the inside lacks true nurture and development, focusing rather on a performance-based relationship with Christ and ministry. Strict musical standards formulated around trepidation of crossing into a mystical “beat of the world” quickly creates repetitive and dry worship services, leaving church leaders and congregations horrified of potentially allowing the flesh to even minimally react in accordance with the moving of the Holy Spirit. For fear of causing a man to stumble in his walk with the Lord, women are shamed into over-covering their God’s given bodies, placing the burden of responsibility solely on the woman and other women around her to do anything necessary to prevent alluring the eye of a man in any manner. This in turn results in outdated, frumpy clothing, and limited jewelry or make-up coined as Biblical modesty. While this develops a culture of pride in fulfilling one’s duty towards modesty, a stark contrast that focuses on business attire promotes the facade of a mature spiritual walk in a vast quantity of churches, passing judgement on a man not wearing a suit and tie, or on a woman for not having her hair, make-up and jewelry fashioned in a way that is considered “presentable before the Lord.” Outfits and appearances, as well as songs and performance styles, are scrutinized to the fullest extent of Pharisaical law, creating a false sense of spirituality that not only justifies and covers sin, but neglects the true mental and emotional needs of the congregants and visitors to come.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

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Art Therapy Toolbox: Establishing a Safe Place

Take a moment and allow your mind to drift off to a specific location or place where you have experienced comfort. Are you by a river or stream? In the forest? In a log cabin far away from any living soul? Are you reading a book or taking a long, hot bath? Is anyone there with you or are you by yourself?

For me, we established my safe place when I was nineteen weeks pregnant, panicking over relationships at church over needless drama and preparing for the birth of our third-born in the same traumatic setting as my first. My anxiety skyrocketed to the point that it felt like my skin was crawling. Not long after, I felt my husband come up behind me, his hands on my shoulders, massaging my back. As he encouraged mindfulness techniques through imagery, my mind found solace under a tree, in his arms, away from everyone else. A hidden place away from the spiritual demands and drama, the gossiping and lies, away from the fears of repeating my first’s traumatic birth story. Birds danced through the breeze, chirping sweet calls of the day, while the water splashed gently against the rocks in the flowing river. The grass moved softly in the gentle wind, as far as the eye could see until mountains kissed the skyline. My husband’s warm arms wrapped around me, holding me safe from harm, protecting me from the people who could not care less about the consequences of their actions on my family. This imagery previously guided me through my son’s natural birth, reminding me of safety and protection in my own birthing space filled with dimmed candle light. I had no idea that this location would become my safe place following a church service after opening the art therapy book for the first time.

Sitting in the pew of a church we were visiting, I felt nervous but calm as I had the Sunday before. Unfortunately, also like the previous Sunday, an anxiety attack swept over me as we walked out the automatic doors, as if someone suddenly knocked the wind out of me. In the truck, as my husband attempted to help me re-focus, my mind wandered back to the safe place I started pondering the day before. I felt my husband’s arms. I heard the river. I saw the leaves brushing against each other in the tree above. I-WAS-SAFE. I forgot about analyzing the church’s music and dress standards, and I forgot questioning when their skeletons would come out of the closet. I forgot questioning if the pastor is real or just a facade, waiting for him to show his true colors of abuse that may or may not actually be there. The hurt of the not-so-distant past was still very real and painful, but I was safe from its grasps for just a little bit, for a chance to heal.

Following the next service, when I had another anxiety attack walking out the door, my husband was able to help me draw back to my safe place under the tree, by the river. It is a place I can hide away when I cannot physically escape my triggers and fears. The best part is that one does not have to be a skilled artist. It can be boxes and stick figures if necessary, or simple scribbles on the page. The point is developing a place to escape to within because during and after trauma, we often lose a place of safety away from everybody else. The art therapy book recommends placing this picture up in a room that feels safe in your house, or even in the bedroom until one becomes more accustomed to quickly finding that safe place, internalizing it to be make it easier to reach in times of trouble. It is my reminder that I am no longer in the abuse. Even if there is a questionable or spiritually abusive situation going on around me, I can still be safe inwardly, no matter where I am.

*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.”

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Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art

Have you ever experienced those therapy sessions where one simple phrase or question seems to blast a door wide open into the possibilities of individualized treatment that might actually work? Well, it was not my own session that accomplished this. It was my husband’s session when he told our therapist that I like to doodle and be creative and my therapist had an idea that changed everything for me in terms of personal growth and development. My therapist gave me a means of expression and processing that I had given up hope for through a book by entitled Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art, by Barry M. Cohen, Mary-Michola Barnes, and Anita B. Rankin.

The book begins by explaining how a group of doctors came up with methods to safely work through trauma at home, though still under the care of a licensed physician. The best part is that these exercises DO NOT require any level of skill or expertise in art. Whether one can paint beautiful murals or is struggling with oddly constructed stick-figures, which is pretty much where I was before this book, is insignificant to completing the exercises. No skill level is required. Fascinatingly, within the introduction, the authors state how even the “medium” or tools used for producing art can aide in expression or hinder the process through re-traumatization. For people with anxiety, like myself, a lead pencil involves a level of resistance while paint may be too free-flowing. For intense emotions, using something with a greater resistance is particularly helpful, rather than a medium that just allows the emotions to out-pour without any form of control. I have found that I personally prefer oil-pastels and lead pencils.

There are three sections: (1) Developing Basic Tools for Managing Distress, (2) Managing Emotions and (3) Existing in the World. The authors recommend completing the first section in order, and then the other two sections can be completed in any order and can even be repeated because thought processes and circumstances can change over time. Each exercise includes an introduction to the topic, a list of required materials, questions for getting started, clear directions on how to complete the exercise, and questions for thought and analysis. The first section of this book has given me a list of tools I can use when the anxiety or depression hits (something I have craved desperately for a long time), and the other exercises have opened the door for many discussions in therapy.

Below is a list of exercises included in the art therapy book. I may never get through all of them, but for the ones I finish, links will be available below after completion:

Section 1: Developing Basic Tools for Managing Distress

Section 2: Acknowledging and Regulating Your Emotions

Landscapes of Emotion
1. Part One: Familiar Terrain
2. Part Two: Changing Your Scenery
Modifying Emotional Patterns
Layered Feelings
Mixture of Opposites
Validating Anger
Imprint of Fear
Shame and Guilt
Lost and Found
Heart and Mind

Section 3: Being and Functioning in the World

Self-Image
Role Quilt
Life Skills
1. Part One: Barely Coping Mechanisms
2. Part Two: A Well-Oiled Machine
Environmental Protection
1. Part One: Standing in the Present
2. Part Two: Stepping into the Future
Interpersonal Boundaries
1. Part One: Barriers and Broken Boundaries
2. Part Two: Building Better Boundaries
Your Level Best
Relationships
1. Part One: Missed Connections
2. Part Two: Within Your Grasp
Worldview
1. Part One: Two Different Worlds
2. Part Two: Global Revision

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IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)

Waiting anxiously to speak with her pastor’s wife, Debbie paces back as forth, heart pounding, and thoughts racing through the altercation with her husband the night before.

Surely, Jennifer will be annoyed by me bothering her again. He gets so angry though. I do not know what to do. But what if Mark finds out I am talking to someone about what happened?

Her pastor’s wife, Jennifer, laughs contagiously, chatting about the joys of shopping with little children in the cart, reaching for various products on the shelves until they tumble down into piles on the floor.

I make sure to do the grocery shopping on my own when Mark is at work, hoping it will take some of the load off his plate. Maybe I need to make more of his favorite meals. I do my best to make sure dinner is prepared when he arrives, but it has been difficult to keep the house tidy with four little children, ages four and under. Last night was one of those nights. Maybe if I wake up at four instead of five, I will have more time and energy to clean the way he prefers.

Debbie sighs. A young teenage girl catches Jennifer’s eye, excitedly asking questions about modesty standards and where to find dresses that are modern but do not draw a man’s eyes.

I have already tried learning better techniques for eye shadow and applying lipstick and I even went out and bought the more expensive brands, which only made Mark angrier. I fix up my hair in curls and apply the make-up every day like Jennifer suggested, putting on my best dresses for him with heels. But it just isn’t enough. Maybe he prefers a different style?

Jennifer finishes conversing with the young lady and invites Debbie to join her in the pew, realizing that she has been waiting for an extended period. Holding back the tears, Debbie confides to Jennifer about Mark’s explosive temper last night over the food not being completely set on the table and the sink not being empty of dishes from the day. Debbie knows her husband works long hours at a stressful job site to provide for the family, but even the little things seem to set him off. She shows Jennifer the fresh bruises on her arms. Concerned, Jennifer puts her arms around Debbie, knowing first-hand the pain she endures day-to-day.

“I’m so glad you came to me,” replied Jennifer. “Your hair and make-up look wonderful, and your dresses are modest but beautiful. Have you tried making yourself more available to him in the bedroom? He needs to know that you are willing to be an attentive, submissive wife, and being physically accessible to him at any time would help relieve some of his stress after long days away from the family. A godly wife needs to build her husband’s confidence, but you cannot do that if there is even a trace of bitterness in your heart. If there is, you need to make that right with Mark before asking God’s forgiveness and then ask for His help to be a better help-meet to your husband.”

Tragically, calling the authorities over domestic abuse is one of the last resorts, if not significantly discouraged, in mainstream Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. The most common form of counseling is directing the wife on how to be a more attractive, subservient, and fulfilling help-meet, and only minimally instructing the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. The end-goal is sending the woman back under the submission of her husband as quickly as possible. Though appalling, the patriarchal system that extends from IFB churches to the homes of their congregants creates the perfect set-up for hidden, long-term abuse through intense isolation, extreme spiritual expectations, financial dependence, silenced cries for help, and the heinously corrupt system of handling trauma and abuse.

Intense Isolation

As “Keepers at Home,” women are expected to balance caring for multiple children and home, while their husbands provide for the financial needs and required manual labor. Pastors intensify these expectations by preaching God’s command to Noah to “Go forth and multiply.” While not associated with the Quiverfull Movement, this idea is quickly permeating into IFB churches around the country as a growing number of pastors advocate against the use of birth control or preventative methods, harrowing “I realized I did not love children as God loves children” and “I want to have all the children God has for me!” Large, growing families, living solely off one income, are forced to be without their husbands and fathers for days or weeks at a time while they work eighty to ninety hours a week, sometimes even out of state, leaving mothers practically alone to raise countless little ones from newborn stages to adulthood.

Because of this, the majority of the mothers’ friends, if not all of them, come from church services and fellowships. They are further isolated solely to their homes and church families because of messages against the dangerous influences of family, friends, television, and social media on their husbands’ vineyards, preventing nearly all outside thought or persuasion. A timid and likely uneducated, married woman with the strain of multiple children is of little threat when dependent upon the husband’s income, filled only with countless hours of studying Christian homeschool materials and Sunday school lessons.

Extreme Spiritual Expectations

A former missionary wife, now pastor’s wife, recently taught a group of missionary-wives that the virtuosity of the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman is not limited to religious circles but is exemplified in women in certain third-world countries. Because of this, she concludes that even the lost can be virtuous, and thus, the Proverbs Thirty-One Woman, also known as the Virtuous Woman, is the bare-minimum standard in God’s eyes. Because of twisted views of this passage, wives and mothers are expected to learn the intricate, time-consuming practices of sewing, crocheting, knitting, craft-making, and decorating on top of their usual household chores and daily homeschool program. Where better to put those skills to use than to make specialized, modest clothing!

In terms of appearance, wives must balance between keeping their husband’s attraction while being held responsible for, or while assuming responsibility for, not drawing another man’s attention to any aspect of their bodies, whether through dress, make-up, or jewelry. Following late nights of sewing, crafting and cleaning, women are still expected to rise early for Bible reading, study and prayer, in order to joyfully instill Biblical precepts into their children throughout the day, without complaint, “Just like the Virtuous Woman.” Sadly, any regular sharing of the responsibilities of child-rearing and house-work between the husband and wife marks a wife non submissive and and the husband less-than a man, leaving the burden entirely on the woman.

Financial Dependence

Pastors encourage husbands to take a man’s “rightful place” over the finances, not considering individual weaknesses and strengths, often leaving women completely helpless after the men pass away, ignorant of their financial standings. Take a mother of six children, educated through Bible college, now clueless about the amount their family spends each month on the phone bill, even indifferent to the fact that she does not even know her family’s mobile carrier. Imagine a woman whose husband cannot hold a job, but even with a steady occupation for a few months, he writes the tithe check with varying amounts every week. She does not understand why it fluctuates with two fixed incomes but encourages herself to trust the man God has placed over her without question. Lamentably, these examples are just the tip of the iceberg. Women are taught it is acceptable and godly to be ignorant of the finances, trusting in and submitting all of it to the leading of their husbands as heads of their households.

Silenced Cries for Help

“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph 5:33).

“Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land” (Prov 31:23).

The wide-spread view of authority in the husband-wife relationship in IFB churches involves a scenario where the man lords over his vineyard, the woman in complete subjection to the husband without argument or complaint unless his commands go directly against the Word of God. Women may express their opinions by making “godly appeals,” but are to otherwise remain silent after a man decides, cleaning up the aftermath in the lives of those affected, still honoring and uplifting the husband’s actions. A woman’s speech pertaining to her husband is only permitted to be respectful and reverential, severely limiting disagreement or varying opinion, except in extreme cases of abuse and wrong-doing. Even in these situations, speaking-up is frequently viewed with disdain and regularly discounted based on the man’s public testimony.

In the secular world, degrading one’s spouse privately or publicly is considered detrimental to a marriage and though the same is equally true in Christianity, IFB churches place the greater burden of silence on the women. Remember the pastor’s wife who says that a wife should never say anything negative about her husband to God? If a woman cannot even go to God, how much more does this fallacy apply to speaking to other men and women? The same pastor’s wife believes an abused wife should be sent back under the subjection of her husband. Pastors encourage women who are verbally abused to pray for their husbands and ask God to aide them in being a better help-meet, while those who are physically abused are admonished to never involve the authorities, despite the immediate danger to their families. Above all, a wife must be careful not to speak ill of her husband to anyone lest her speech impact her husband’s reputation in the ministry or hinder someone from accepting Christ. She is to go home, be a living-testimony to her husband as a godly, submissive wife, and pray not only for God to change his heart, but to help her love and forgive, that bitterness not take root in her heart. This silencing, under the preface of humility and honor, fashions the final piece of the overriding theme of male dominance and control, allowing domestic abuse free-reign in the home.

The Perfect Storm

Stepping outside onto the wooden porch, the warm summer air is dense and suffocating, blustering upwards from the south, blanketing the heavens with a familiar yet disconcerting green hue. Soaring eagles feel the chilly shift and instability up above, frigid air billowing in from the west. But in between lies a third layer of dry, burning heat, allowing the warm air below to rise in temperature, establishing conditions for the perfect storm: an F5 tornado with the ability to span up to two and half miles wide, indifferent to the unlimited destruction in its path. Through the innocent desires of Christians to please the Lord in their marriages, canopied by man’s need for dominance and control, men blindly lead their willingly-submissive wives into abuse’s strongholds of vulnerability and entrapment.

What is a woman like Debbie supposed to do with an abusive husband like Mark? Anyone outside the church walls recognizes the need to get the authorities involved, keeping detailed records and escaping to a safe-house or woman’s shelter, but hindering a husband’s reputation or arrogantly stepping out from under his God-given authority is considered disgraceful and scorned. Those necessary lines of protection are blurred within the IFB movement, encouraging biblical counsel through the limited psychological study of a pastor, rather than through a trained, experienced professional. Debbie is isolated to her home with friendships limited to her like-minded church family, she has no college education, and has been out of the workforce for fifteen years. Not only is she undesirable to employers, she is clueless about her financial standings and what money might be available to her for sustainability as she considers her and her children’s escape from her husband’s destructive temper.

If she confides in a pastor, few may advise reporting the abuse, but others may bring the husband into the room for questioning and counseling, creating a greater tension and danger when the family arrives back at home. Alternately, some are encouraged to ask God to search-out their own heart for what may be hindering their marriages and fueling their husband’s anger, taking a “wait-and-see” approach. Sadly, those are just the ones that dare to speak the truth against the status-quo of solely uplifting their husbands, whether they be right or wrong. Others continue silently in the abuse, justifying the verbal and physical beatings day by day, striving to be a godly submissive wife, while some never fully awaken to the cruelty they endure. The standard Independent Fundamental Baptist arrangement for leadership and submission in church polity, as well as the home, though usually starting from the pure desire to do right, creates the perfect storm for long-term, hidden abuse in families throughout their churches..

“About Tornadoes.” Weather Underground, www.wunderground.com/resources/education/tornadoFAQ.asp.

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IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)

Curling up under the dense burgundy comforter, black embroidery swirls nauseatingly across the threads in intricate array, adorning the California-king sized bed in romantic wonder. The once mouth-watering aroma of garlic-butter strip steak and smooth, oven-baked mashed potatoes infiltrates the bedroom, seeping repulsively through the tiny crack peering from underneath the slender door. Oh, no. Not again. She bolts off toward the bathroom, wrapping her arms around the large porcelain bowl, her pregnant body revolting against the sandwich she managed to choke down at lunch.

Exhausted after nearly two months of forceful vomiting and fainting spells, hospitalizations and intravenous fluids, Erin longs for the promise of second trimester bliss without the debilitating round ligament pain shooting through her waist and thighs. As she stumbles back to bed, her hair falling disheveled across the tiny pillows, misshapen from excessive use the last few months, a delicate card on the night-stand catches her eye. Two days ago, after work, her husband, Rick, slipped into the room while Erin rested, gingerly laying a letter next to her dimly-lit lamp, “I’m looking forward to having some fun with you tonight!” Please, Lord, not again tonight. I love him dearly, but I barely have the strength to shower in the morning, much less be romantic. I know I committed to being available whenever he needs me, but the other night was horrific. I simply want to sleep.

Despite the enhancement in her marriage and the closeness she felt the first month, intercourse has been excruciatingly painful since the beginning of pregnancy. She forces herself to push down the tears, but the last few times, she could not hold them back any longer. Tears stream down her face until her husband is satisfied. I gave him permission. I made the commitment. It is for our marriage. Lord, forgive me for being rebellious and wanting to have control over my own body.

Erin lays back down and allows her eyelids to close, hoping for only a few minutes of slumber to calm her queasy stomach. Suddenly, a familiar hand caresses her thigh as moist lips press tenderly against the side of her neck, carefully traveling up toward her ear. Lord, please give me the strength to please my husband.

God created sexual intimacy to be a beautiful expression of love between a husband and wife, but when man corrupts a time of greatest vulnerability in marriage, the possible damaging impacts are infinite. Tragically, certain Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches apply the teaching of a woman’s submission to the marriage bed, an idea coined “sexual obedience.” While I have never been personally subjected to this heinous practice, my husband and I have visited IFB churches greatly injured by its adherence.

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency” (KJV 1 Corinthians 7:4-5).

According to Biblical Gender Roles, an anonymous, Protestant harbor of extreme marital standards, the Bible commands a mindset starkly contrasted to common Christian practices today, one where the wife subjects herself to being physically available whenever the husband has sexual needs or desires. When addressing Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood, the author states,

“A wife does not have the right to stand and deny her husband access to her body… a wife can humbly ask for a ‘delay,’ or ‘raincheck,’ but only for legitimate physical or psychological reasons and the judge of what is legitimate or not is her husband.”

Wynter’s Story

I rarely deny my husband sex of some kind. (I say no sometimes: I’m not perfect) …

I’ve witnessed such an unexpected difference in my husband and would like to know if you think it’s related to my new attitude regarding sexual obedience. The short story is: my husband has become so ambitious at work (and in life generally). He’s gotten a promotion. But, the biggest change is he’s always wanted to start his own business and he is now taking the steps to do it…it’s like a totally different man.

I will say though that this has not been without sacrifice on my part. I used to work nights, but I changed my schedule to be available to him in the evenings, so I make less money than I used to. I also gave up some activities so I can rest more. A big part of my problem before I started this was I was tired all the time and was too exhausted for sex.

But, also, and you’re probably not going to like this: it’s been difficult emotionally because I don’t like giving up control. Honestly, I’ve had to fight my own rebelliousness. Sometimes when he approaches me, I’m tired and lazy and just want him to leave me alone. Sometimes, I’m distracted and don’t want to drop what I’m doing. I don’t know how to put it, but it has been difficult to not have my way on this. That’s been the hardest part. I like being 100% in control of my body and now I have to make sacrifices, so, yes, it’s been difficult. Sexual obedience is a way of life. It requires a whole different mindset. My husband’s needs and fulfillment take up a lot more real estate in my brain now than they used to…”

In The Benefits of Being a Sexual Obedient Wife, Wynter is encouraged after making herself available to daily sexual intercourse,

“I think it is great that you recognize your own rebelliousness and your desire to control your time and your body. At the same time though- don’t beat yourself up. Recognize your sinful inclinations and then give those things to God…”

The author continues to admonish her to maintain being sexually obedient to her husband and to “realize that your sexual obedience is not just to your husband- but truly it is an act of worship to God himself for all he has done for you.” Sounds very similar to the teachings of Jack Schaap, the disgraced IFB pastor of First Baptist Church of Hammond, Indiana, currently serving a twelve-year sentence for molesting a sixteen-year-old girl in his congregation!

The anonymous author reassures Wynter that her convictions are a testimony for other women, and that “keeping your husband well-fed sexually will not only benefit him in his endeavors outside the home, but it will benefit your marriage and your family by giving him the increased energy he needs to take-on life’s daily tasks.” Under the implication of supporting their husbands, women are expected to save energy often expended in secular occupation for their sex lives, teaching “Underneath Every Great Man is a Great Woman.” What better way to manipulate a woman into never denying intercourse with her husband than to teach that always affirming his needs will aide him in being a more confident and effective, provider and father! Alas, this anonymous author reminds his reader of the childhood song, “Obedience is the very best way to show you that you believe,” additionally applying it to situations of abuse.

One reader responded to his article, “Is a Husband Selfish for Having Sex with His Wife When She is Not in the Mood,” by explaining how her husband of nine years continues to have intercourse with her during pregnancy even though it is painful, assuring her, “It will only take a few minutes, and I’ll be quick.” As the wife states, “it never stopped.” The husband continues sexual intercourse with her while she is reading a book or even when she is crying, leaving the wife to “feel like his whore, or his piece of trash.” The remainder of her cry for help involving drinking to endure through sex and even into the boughs of depression can be found in the article, “Is My Husband Raping Me?”, a question to which the author responds, “It is IMPOSSIBLE Biblically speaking for a man to rape his wife. Abuse? Yes. Rape? No.” He then shifts the blame onto the wife:

“If he convinces her to yield her body to him, then no sin has been committed on his part. But it is very possible that even if she yields to him- there is still sin on her part. If she acts disgusted by him and acts like he has no right to have sex with her- then the sin lies squarely in her court.”

The icing on the cake is when he answers if the husband should go to counseling with his wife, the man responds, “Yes, I believe he should, but they should see a Christian marriage counselor that will exhort her to do what she should as a Christian wife and perhaps then can lead her husband to Christ in the process.”

Yet another corrupt facet of the various IFB views of leadership and submission, sexual obedience demands an off-setting of the balance God created in the marriage bed, the most sacred aspect of marriage. Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians emphasizes the wife’s body belonging to the husband AND the husband’s body belonging to the wife, a decree demanding mutual respect and mutual submission, not a supposedly Biblical-basis for male dominance in all aspects of sexual intimacy. God never requires His bride to follow Him, but rather waits patiently knowing man is but dust. The husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for it, not to demand her obedience to fulfill his every desire.

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