Who do you reach out to when the blessings come or when life takes a turn for the worse? Who do you celebrate with when you get a promotion, a new house, new car, or a baby on the way, furry or otherwise? Who mourns with you and gives guidance when you are laid off from work, the house catches fire, the vehicle is totaled, or a family member is at death’s door? Too bad we cannot really call the Ghostbusters to deal with our problems or wish for a genie to stop time, just to bask in the moments of peace and grandeur. What we may not have fully analyzed, however, are the strengths and weaknesses of our current support net, maybe because of feeling too overwhelmed and alone in the traumas and trials of life. This exercise gives the opportunity to determine who is there for the joys but does not understand the heaviness of triggers and sorrows. It reveals those you can already call at two in the morning, as well as the areas that lack support and strength. It is a chance to look for the untapped resources that might already be available just a few steps away.
When I started working on this support net, it was only a few weeks after my first (and thankfully only) suicide attempt and I was an absolute mess. I had just come out of a third spiritually abusive situation a few months before, a once-balanced church that expected me to be a powerless, voiceless child as they attempted to manipulate my husband in order to control my actions. Leaving the only church my children had ever known turned their world upside down, and yet, all in one week, a few friends and family members decided to try their hands of control in our lives instead of allowing us to re-group and establish protective boundaries. I thought I was the reason for my family’s pain, and particularly my husband’s, my greatest trigger for intrusive thoughts that eventually led to a breakdown that should have resulted in admittance to a hospital. In the weeks following that day, I felt destroyed and alone, unsure of the non-judgmental arms and ears to reach out to for a subject coined taboo in our society. Our church family of five years was basically gone, we were visiting an IFB-lite church, and my own parents were clueless of my mental health crises. Through this exercise, I found my closest support net, and was to assign a symbolic fabric/material, as well as a color/pattern to represent each one of them.
- My Mom (Light blue cotton with red hospital symbols)- The cotton is comfortable, practical, gets the job done, and is dependable. I can reach out to her multiple times a day when I’m hurting, even though she is six hundred miles away.
- My Dad (Off-white wool): Wool is rough and scratchy, though sturdy. He can rub people the wrong way, but he’s strong and always there to take down a problem like a bull in a china-shop. Never mess with the daughter of a military dad!
- My Husband (Burnt-orange jersey knit): I had strongly considered denim, like that old pair of worn jeans that is comfortable and dependable, despite being often rubbed from the trials the wearer has put it through. Let us just say my husband was not exactly thrilled with this idea, but more importantly, it did not seem to fit exactly right with what I wanted to portray. I finally settled on jersey knit, the type of material maxi-skirts are made from. It is relaxed and stretchy, yet durable and comfortable. But the variation in color is from my decisions putting him through the wringer, stretched-out between his life goals and my mental health issues, our churches standards and ideals versus my needing independence and a voice, even as a woman. I was not sure how much more he could take, but he was still there. And then, of course, burnt-orange because it is the favorite color. I know, he’s weird. So am I. But the color has been growing on me over the years.
- My Therapist (Pink comfort fleece with white stars): Comfort fleece is strong, but also soft, comfortable, relaxing, warm and cozy. Her office is a safe place to express the heaviness of my heart, the depth of the rage, and the intense fear paralyzing me from moving forward. She understands the crazy and helps me to realize the freedom I need to take back from the cult-crazy.
- A friend (Fraying Rope): Through the chaos of leaving our old church, she was a rock in my life. But it seems too unstable now with a growing tension that could unravel our relationship at any moment. Note: I have since seen this almost completely unravel, but we are currently working on how to make it stronger again or leave it by the way-side. This exercise helped me to finally acknowledge that fact and prepare me for the circumstances to come.
- A friend (purple, with some shreds and holes): Stretched thin, and broken. She’s sweet and kind, but not necessarily a good choice for support right now. She has been traumatized herself and she needs time for her own healing right now. Another note: I was wrong. I really could have gone to her shortly after everything happened.
- Spiritual abuse support group (string with multi-colored beads): Different/varying views, always changing with new people, offers different perspectives, always there. The group is completely different from my Independent Fundamental Baptist mindset, which is not only strengthening, but refreshing. They understand where I am coming from with triggers and can often given insight when I do not understand my fears and hesitations.
- Moms Group (Green silk)- Beautiful, but not my norm; picture of what things could be. Going to a few meetings of this mom’s group further opened my eyes before we ever left our church about how it *should* feel being around other Christians and being part of a church family.
There are several that I did not include on here who are out of state because I was shutting down mentally and emotionally, but this reminded me that I do have varying supports around me after my safety net at church finally disintegrated. I finally know where I can go when my children are sick and my schedule is filled with fevers and appointments. I know where I can turn when a panic attack hits during church or when problems come up at home. It also gave me perspective on an unstable friendship before it started to fully unravel. There are people around me, and there are also holes that could use more support, but thankfully, as I learn more about myself in the other exercises, I am learning of many untapped resources.
*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.”
