Author: AJ Demers | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Seeking the Living Among the Dead in Our Spiritual Lives

Why do so many choose to remain members of denominations they no longer agree with? This has always puzzled me, but in discussions with others who’ve made (often radical) changes in their membership, I’ve come to realize there are reasons, some of which I’ve highlighted below. As individual Christians, we need to be better prepared to help those in transition.

“I’ve always been a (whatever), so was my daddy, and so was his daddy before him. My grandad was a preacher. I don’t agree with all of it, but so what? Why should I change?”

A lot of people remain within their family’s denomination because that’s what they’re used to, and people are creatures of habit by default. However, it’s worth remembering that remaining or becoming a member of a denomination should be left to the individual. No one should feel pressure to remain in a denomination they don’t totally agree with, but sadly, many do.

More importantly, no one should feel as though they have to remain in a church where they can’t use their spiritual gifts. For example, one with the gift of healing probably would stagnate in a cessationist denomination, while one called to be a lay Eucharistic minister wouldn’t be able to fulfill their calling in a denomination that does not celebrate the Eucharist. Most families from healthy church backgrounds will come to accept such changes in time.

“I no longer agree with my church, but my family would disown me if I changed”

In some traditions, the church and the family structure are so intertwined that to leave the church means to also leave one’s family While not commonplace, sometimes to leave one denomination, considered to be a part of one’s ethnic identity, for another is seen as abandoning one’s people. Anyone in this situation should seek the advice of a clergy member and be willing to have a heart-to-heart discussion with their family.

Will there be hurt feelings and misunderstandings? No doubt, nobody likes drastic changes. However, you’re only delaying the inevitable without taking that important step. The help of a support group made of people who have exited the group may provide necessary clarity.

“When you get burned as often as I was, you get suspicious of other religious groups. I won’t go through that again”

Many are afraid to find a new church home because of bad experiences. The prospect of getting involved in another church brings about fears of being hurt again. Spiritual abuse in & of itself is difficult to recover from, especially when verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse is involved.

In this case, you may want to seek out churches different from the one you were hurt by and consider speaking to the clergy and other leadership before becoming too involved. If anything, your prior experiences may help you spot potential trouble. One thing you should never be afraid of is setting boundaries to avoid an involvement level outside your comfort zone.

Making a break from a toxic or unfulfilling church situation can be difficult, but you’ll be in a better place by taking this step.

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Finding the Balance in Welcoming Newcomers

How do you make people feel genuinely welcome in a church, without inadvertently pushing them away because your efforts make you come on too strong? This is an issue of concern especially with a lot of smaller congregations struggling to hold on to their membership, such as it is.

Here are a few things that have come up at various times when I’ve had this discussion with others:

Err on the side of assuming an unfamiliar person is a newcomer rather than not speaking with them at all
Don’t require newcomers to come forward if they are uncomfortable doing so
Consider having an information table available, since everyone doesn’t always stay around for a coffee hour or other fellowship events
Don’t assume that visitors will know who they need to speak to if they’re interested in further information. Consider pointing out the contact person or have them make the necessary announcement themselves
Never pressure anyone into activities or groups they’re not interested in, even in the context of joking about how they “need to be there”
Consider the fact that some people have past negative experiences with certain types of activities from previous congregations and this is a major reason to avoid putting pressure on

These are just a few things worth keeping in mind. Ideally, attending a church shouldn’t be emotionally harmful, but this is something that’s too much of a problem in some peoples’ lives that we all need to think about.

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Are Christians Required to Give Everything Up to Follow Christ?

This is a companion piece to a post that appeared on my AJ the Irish Lass’ Ramblings blog, “Must Christians give up their families, possessions, and money to follow Christ?”

No, This is Not a “Crazy” Question

It’s often said that the only stupid question is one that’s never asked, and that holds true in this case. I’ve actually encountered people who have thought this was the case, making this issue one worth addressing, as ideas have consequences.

The people I encountered who felt this way had concluded that following Christ was pointless without living the lifestyle of itinerant “preachers,” renouncing their families, and giving up everything they owned. I’m sure it probably comes as no surprise that there had been unhealthy church involvement on both their parts.

Where the Heck Did They Get These Ideas, Anyway?

Matthew 16:24-25 WEB Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, and whoever will lose his life for my sake will find it.”

Self-denial is about making God a priority, not shutting out everyone and everything else. Doing this can be a struggle, and each of us needs to decide for ourselves how to find this balance. We’ll be able to experience God’s blessings and love far more fully.

Matthew 10:37 WEB He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me isn’t worthy of me.

Please note that this is not a condemnation of the nuclear or extended family – far from it. I think it’s more of a prohibition against allowing others in our lives to disrupt how we live out our faith. Think about it this way: If followers of Christ weren’t to have families, why would there be instruction about our dealings with fellow family members elsewhere in the New Testament?

Matthew 19:21-26 WEB Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have, and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” But when the young man heard the saying, he went away sad, for he was one who had great possessions. Jesus said to his disciples, “Most certainly I say to you, a rich man will enter into the Kingdom of Heaven with difficulty. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye, than for a rich man…”

The problem with the young man wasn’t that he was rich in and of itself. Instead, it would be more accurate to say that his refusal to sacrifice any of his wealth was a problem. It’s not necessary to have any particular religious viewpoint to see how wrong it is for people to allow their wealth to rule them.

The Heart of the Matter

The extreme example that both of the people I referenced felt was necessary to follow is a major case for why Scripture-twisting is something to avoid. Listening to people who advocated this type of lifestyle without following it themselves shows why we need to use discernment in all our dealings.

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Not the Right Fit? Don’t Worry

Feeling like you don’t just fit in affects us all sometimes. Sometimes that feeling of not fitting in involves church activities. One size fits all isn’t usually a good solution, especially for things that involve ministries.

Take a look at 1 Corinthians 12, for example. We all have different gifts, but it is the same Spirit at work in all of them. I think there’s sometimes too much of an emphasis on certain supernatural gifts associated with the apostolic area that it’s easy to overlook other gifts and talents that are with the Church today.

Another passage that comes to mind is Job 39:13-28, where creatures are given different abilities according to their place in nature. Obviously, both wild and domestic animals fulfill different types of functions from humans. Yet, this is a beautiful example of how different parts of God’s creation are given different abilities according to who they are and what they do.

A blogger recently shared about not fitting in during some social settings at her church, although she thrived in settings where she visited with the sick or in Bible studies. She just felt that she couldn’t fit in with a social group where the only thing she had in common was that they were all women and attended the same congregation. I think many of us might relate to that.

In prayer, she realized that the social setting was for some other group members, but not for her, freeing her from feelings of not belonging. We who are members of Christ’s one Body do belong. It’s just that we might have different ways of expressing how we belong.

May we always continue to go in peace to love and serve God.

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Even Progressive Churches Miss the Mark for Women Sometimes

When we think about some congregations being problematic for women the first thing that comes to mind is patriarchy. This stands to reason, because patriarchy is very commonly a factor in many toxic churches and frequently comes up in the political sphere.

However, what if one of the ways some congregations go wrong isn’t with patriarchy, but with an insistence on clinging to an era where patriarchy WAS the norm across denominations? IOW, taking pride in having had female clergy & other leaders, but handling their women’s ministry as though we’re still in an era where women’s groups (largely social in nature, along with charity projects) were the ONLY option for women?

I’m not running down women’s ministries or saying they have to end. However, members of such groups need to realize not every woman wants to participate in that manner, and that’s okay.

Nobody should have to cope with the pressure to attend meetings they are uninterested in, have their worth as a member measured by their women’s ministry involvement, or stigmatized for being single or not having children. These are all situations I’ve unfortunately heard of women encountering in their congregations that take pride in having female clergy/leaders and advertising themselves as being welcoming/inclusive.

To be truly welcoming and inclusive, we need to welcome those who prefer not being labeled or otherwise put in a box. Otherwise, we’re no different from those who make no efforts to be inclusive.

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