Author: Lois | Page 60 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Spies

Spies. On our support group board, we have sometimes heard from members who were concerned there may be someone from their church or former church there (like the pastor or someone appointed by him) who will spy on them and report what they post. The chances of that happening are often slim, however the fear is quite real for some.

Considering what happens in unhealthy churches, this fear is understandable. How many appoint themselves as ‘police’ in these places, running to the pastor or his wife/family with any hint of perceived wrong-doing? (Though rarer, sometimes the pastor himself appoints people to do this.)

My own former pastor would at times take the word of a ‘reporter’ and take action against the ‘transgressor’ without ever speaking to them first or looking into the veracity of the matter. The reports even sometimes became sermon material for him. I saw people lose positions, be sternly reprimanded, threatened with losing their salvation, and even asked to leave as the result of these ‘spies.’

Any church leadership that needs or encourages tattling is unhealthy. It is a form of control. It is a sign of an insecure and controlling pastor. A healthy pastor would stop the talebearer and let them know that they were to no longer make any ‘reports.’

If you are afraid of your pastor or if ‘spying’ goes on in your church, then chances are likely that you are in an unhealthy group. It would be good to educate yourself on signs of spiritual abuse.

Breaking The Chains

We have always allowed members of our support groups to vent to a certain degree. Some need to in part because they’ve never previously had the freedom to do so. Yet there also comes a time when you need to forgive and move forward and let go of the bitterness and anger.

Allowing bitterness to remain will only hurt the individual that holds onto it and it will negatively affect other areas of their life. It does no good to remain bitter for years and to cling to past offenses. It does absolutely nothing to the person or persons who hurt you. So, in effect, one is allowing themselves to continue to be influenced and harmed by another when they remain bitter. Don’t do that to yourself.

We all have a choice in our recovery from spiritual abuse. We can choose to remain stagnant and allow the past to continue to influence us negatively the rest of our lives. Or we can choose to deal with what happened, free ourselves from any bitterness, and move forward in life.

We also need to learn to separate the error we’ve been taught from the truth of what is found in the Bible. For instance, the Bible never teaches that one cannot take medicine. No one has to choose between God and taking medicine because God never said it could not be taken. A person said it; a person who distorted the Bible. It was not God.

It is imperative for people who have been hurt in churches that twisted scriptures and left them with a distorted image of God, to learn the difference between truth and error. Just because a minister states something, it doesn’t make it true. Just because an entire organization teaches something, it doesn’t make it true. We must separate the error from the truth and see the error for what it is and not continue to associate it with God and the Bible and blame God for it.

We each have a choice – we can remain in the past and our hurts and go on for the rest of our lives reliving the times when others have hurt us and the teachings that messed us up and hindered us in our walk with God. We can continue to believe the error and live a life of bondage and feeling we can never measure up. Or we can do something about our healing, growth, and moving out of that place. There is life after spiritual abuse!

Do you want healing? Do you want freedom from bitterness? Do you want to separate error from truth?

Or do you want to continue to allow past wrongs and error to influence your life today in a negative manner?

The choice is left to each of us.

If Only I Had Remained

If only I had remained in the church….

People who have left an unhealthy church and are going through a rough time sometimes have the thought that, had they remained, the [difficult/unpleasant/tragic situation] would not have happened. If they had just stayed in the group, they wouldn’t have lost their job or there wouldn’t be family problems or their child wouldn’t have become ill or….. They have temporarily forgotten that bad things happened while they were attending their former church. Old thoughts, from sermons using twisted scriptures, can have a hold on people for years if they do not deal with the issues from their involvement. “If you leave, God will strike you down! You may be in a car wreck or become ill. Perhaps you will lose your job or home. The way of the transgressor is hard!”

I recall all kinds of bad things happening to people who were in my former church. A home burned down, there were all kinds of vehicle and job problems, car accidents, financial difficulties, marriage trouble and divorces, and people getting diseases with some dying. The church itself was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. It would be an extensive list of woes if everything could be mentioned. Being a member of the church and being involved did not keep us from the things of life that can happen to anyone.

In like manner, being out of the group, we need to understand that good and bad will also happen. It is part of life. It doesn’t mean God is after you and trying to get you to return to the church. It doesn’t mean you are lost or backslid. It doesn’t mean you would have been safe from whatever happened had you remained. Take the time to look into the passages that were used to scare you and see the fear that permeates the teachings. If you do this you should eventually no longer have to fight such thoughts. It’s a guarantee that should you return, bad things will still happen.

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What If They Are Right?

What if they are right?

This is a question that many who leave unhealthy churches face. Because they have not yet worked through the various teachings and/or because they do not understand the manipulative fear tactics, they sometimes later wonder if the group is right. Perhaps they are backslid or lost. Maybe their conscience has been seared. Maybe they did walk away from ‘the truth.’ This fear has caused some to at least temporarily return to an unhealthy church.

One of the signs of an unhealthy group is that they have ‘the truth’ and others, or at least most others, do not and are therefore not saved. They may have some unique revelation. Outside their doors there is no hope for you. Or so they’d like you to believe.

To a spiritually abusive group, leaving them is synonymous to leaving God, walking away from truth, and heading straight toward hell. People caught up in these churches sometimes forget that their relationship with God is one on one and is not dependent upon church attendance. It doesn’t end when you leave a church, switch churches, take a break, or choose to not attend anywhere.

If this thought of them maybe being right is bothering you, take a good, hard look at the teachings and the manner in which they are taught. Learn to recognize the signs of spiritual abuse and how fear is used to manipulate and control. Then you will know whether they are right or wrong and you will overcome that fear of the thought of ‘what if they are right’.

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YOU Are The Problem!

There is no problem- you are the problem.

Have you ever been made to feel that way at a church or seen it happen to another? You bring to the attention of leadership a possible problem that you see, be it doctrine or something happening at church. You find that suddenly YOU have now become the problem.

How and why does this happen? The pastor, who is insecure and feels threatened, decides that there really isn’t anything wrong, that it is simply YOU. You are rebellious, a trouble maker, trying to stir up strife or division, you are unteachable, backslid…. There are a number of possible reasons why YOU have become the problem. And he may bring these up in a sermon and preach hard against those that may question the pastor. Remember the she bears or when the earth opened up and all those people lost their lives? Or when some were hit with leprosy or the couple dropped dead before Peter? You don’t want to find yourself in a similar situation! Questioning or disagreeing with a pastor today is made to seem on par with those biblical events.

And what does this switch do? It pretty much silences anyone else who may have had similar thoughts. It creates division as you are now suspect and perhaps should be avoided until you come to your senses and ask for forgiveness. It also can cause you to wonder if what the pastor said is true. Are you messed up? Are you being influenced by the devil? Is there a spirit of rebellion in you? Could God be planning your demise right at this moment because you touched God’s anointed?

Healthy churches allow and even welcome questioning and differing opinions. But if you are in an unhealthy church, you will quickly learn that those who bring attention to a problem will themselves become the problem.

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