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I have trouble sleeping and I’m often awake at 4:30-5:00am. If I’m awaken because of pain caused by the Parkinson’s I need to try and get moving because my muscles are all stiff. So I crawl out of bed and limp around getting a cup of coffee, grabbing my Bible and out to the deck I go.
If it’s too dark to read I just sit and talk to God, listening to the sounds of night turning to day. I like to check my emails and look on Facebook and I told God that I was so tired of all the political mess and terrorist attacks and threats that constantly appear on Facebook. It was all so horrible and why couldn’t we live in peace.

That’s when I thought of part of a scripture which was just a phrase….. “They are new every morning”……what is new each morning God? I had to do a little searching to find it in Lamentations and I never read that book of the Bible because….it is so sad and depressing. So I found it and yes it is sad and depressing because of what they were going through (I ended up reading the whole book) and I saw what God wanted me to see.

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD.
‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

According to my Bible translation Lamentations is described as a funeral dirge of the fallen city Jerusalem when the Babylonians invaded the city and reduced it to rubble and barrenness. There is a shortage of food and people are dying of starvation and even the mothers are eating their offspring.

In the days of her affliction and roaming, Jerusalem remembers all her pleasant things that she had in the days of old. (V 1:7)

They had no hope for a future and they were caught up in the past. Not wanting to let go of how it was and definitely not wanting to look ahead to a future. So they mourned the loss of all those years….and cried over an uncertain future. Jeremiah goes on and on with his Lamentations until suddenly he remembers the Lord’s mercies and His compassions that fail not and they are new every morning and great is God’s faithfulness!

For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though he causes grief, yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. (v 3:31-32)

I’ve often grieved over this great nation we live in and how terror reigns almost on every corner and it seems that Satan himself has invaded our cities with his lies and evil destruction and has completely destroyed our faith in God and mankind. We feel hopeless. Especially the ones who have been damaged by unhealthy churches and we wonder is it safe to trust in God again? Do we move on or stay in the past where we know our hurts and can take comfort in the days of old.

This morning spent with God, he showed me how life continues to go on…my moonflower was still bloomed out, the simple enjoyment of a branch from a spider plant, the ducks came quacking for food and a beautiful sunrise.

Nature is still set in motion…life still goes on and we still need to put our trust and hope in Him. His mercies and compassions are new every morning!

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I hope in Him!” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the LORD. ‭‭Lamentations‬ ‭3:22-26.

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This is continued from Part 1.

Years later when I saw error in the main teachings of the United Pentecostal Church, so much time had passed in not attending a church that the thought of doing so brought about a bit of apprehension. I had no idea how other churches operated or what would be expected of me as a member or attender. All I’d known was the UPC. This is why church attendance was a problem for me during this time. This now brings us to the year 2000.

After I started the support group and was pondering a thought to move to Texas, I made a trip there in the fall of 2000 to feel things out. One of the members had shared about a church they found and enjoyed that wasn’t Pentecostal and wanted me to visit. I couldn’t guarantee that I’d be able to go and from our correspondence prior to my visit, they knew not to push. Not pushing helped, because if they had, I probably wouldn’t have gone.

When one has left an unhealthy church, it can be very triggering to attend services again. Some simply cannot do it. While churches closer to what one experienced may be the most triggering, a very different church could still cause triggers. I remember some people at a secular cult awareness gathering being triggered by the use of a podium in a session and we were not holding any type of religious service. Yet it reminded them of the prior churches they attended, with the pastor at the pulpit. Other people are able to jump right into another church and do not grapple with these same triggers. Each person will react in their own way, based upon their past experiences. One may be triggered by certain songs or their volume, another by the speaking style of ministers, some by the mention of certain Bible passages and others by the dress and appearance of those in attendance.

I had a mind battle about visiting the church. It wasn’t that there was no desire to go and I certainly wasn’t against church attendance. Then there was the issue of ‘proper’ attire. I no longer had all the dresses or shoes that I’d wear for services as I slowly changed my wardrobe through the years. I had to talk to myself a lot and I didn’t know for sure if I’d be going even the morning of the service. I fought lots of feelings, thoughts and emotions, even to the point of wondering if I’d pass out. It had been six years since I’d attended church and that was Oneness Pentecostal. This was a Friends church- Quaker. Huge difference even though theirs were not the ones where people sat in a circle.

Well, I made it. It was funny to me how the songs they sang were ones I knew. As the service progressed, I calmed down inside and was able to attend the following week without going through all of the prior angst.

When I moved to Texas in June 2001, I attended that same church periodically at first and then regularly until the end of February 2002. An incident happened where the main pastor proclaimed an author to be a prophet for our time and he was coming to speak for a few days at the church. This was being heavily promoted and the bulletin mentioned how the ministry at the church was impacted by this author. I had problems with some of his teachings and rejected the thought of him as a prophet. After prayer, counseling with a minister friend, and much thought, I made the decision to move on.

Though the people seemed nice, there was only one older gentleman, a visiting minister, who regularly spoke with me. Outside of the Sunday School class I was in, I didn’t have much interaction with anyone. (In the class, other than a group discussion, my talk was mainly with the teacher as I was usually the first to arrive.) It certainly was different from what I was used to where visitors and new people were made to feel at home and quickly developed friendships and spent time together. In retrospect, since I left, it’s best that no bonds were really made.

After that, I went through many months where I didn’t know if I’d be remaining or having to move due to my finances and later being let go from my job because they did away with the position. It wasn’t until the fall of 2002 that I knew I would be remaining. So though I would have liked to have had somewhere to go, I didn’t look too hard because of my situation.

I remained without a home church during the rest of my time in the state. It was a difficult issue for me, especially after feeling to leave both churches I had attended.

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This is a brief summary of the first seven years of my church experiences after leaving the United Pentecostal Church. Understand that for several years afterward, I still believed the main salvation teachings of the group.

When I left my former UPC church in late 1993, I’d already been introduced to a church in West Orange, NJ which had not long before voted to pull out of the organization. When I resigned from my church, I would attend as I was able (it was two hours away). There was only one other local UPC in my area. I knew my former pastor still had feelings against that UPC pastor and church. (Before I ever started attending, there had been a split in the church which eventually led to this other one starting in a nearby town.) Even though I would have been accepted at this local church, even in not upholding standards, I knew that to go would be upsetting to my former pastor. During the time I was a member, my pastor would periodically say negative things in sermons about that church, some of the people, and its pastor. This went on for years after the split had taken place. If it upset him to have to stand behind and pray for this man at his UPC ordination (he didn’t like that Wayne Trout, the District Superintendent, had him do this), it wouldn’t have helped the situation had I left our church and joined this one.

Several months after I left, the pastor was told by one of my friends that I’d written some findings on the hair teaching. He called pastors to warn them about me. This isn’t hearsay as I heard it directly from one of the pastors he called, which was the nearby church. I have no idea if he just called the churches in the southern part of the state or if it was more widespread. Because of his actions, other than this local church that had started after a split, there would be no way I could have attended any of the others. While I did meet with the pastor of the nearby church and even gave him a copy of my writings on hair, which he asked to keep, by that time I knew I couldn’t live what I considered a lie. I’d be welcomed there but could never be used other than in giving a testimony, helping clean or raise funds, or something similar. At the time, I knew I’d want to be active anywhere I attended and to do so would necessitate adhering to all the things that I no longer saw as biblical. I simply couldn’t do it.

All this time I was still attending the church two hours away when I could. As the weeks went on, there were others who became upset with things happening at my former church (that had to do with the pastor) and more left. We contacted the pastor from the West Orange church to see about starting a cell group locally as his church had several of these. I started attending more regularly there and some of us attended a class for this type of leadership. However, during this same time there were all kinds of things happening at my former church and they hit me very hard. I had many emotions and feelings I was dealing with, sometimes not very well.

I felt that while I was grappling with all that, I shouldn’t be in a leadership position. I was supposed to help with the cell group (they call them life groups) and another couple would lead them. To be in a leadership position in these home groups, you had to join the church as a member. I didn’t attend a membership explanation meeting and due to the the way the pastor approached me about missing it, it didn’t sit well and I was feeling pressured. He already knew how I was feeling and never shared prior to it that it was necessary for me to attend.

So they started the group and I didn’t join the church. The pastor didn’t attend our home meetings, but made the lessons for them. At the very first local cell gathering, there was something odd introduced there which I’d never heard before and questioned, though I didn’t do so at the meeting.  All of the things combined led me to stop attending. Eventually, everyone from my former church who had gone there left for one reason or another.

As shared at the beginning, at the time I was still very much UPC in doctrine with the exception of standards. Because of this, every Trinitarian church was automatically put out of the picture, sight unseen. There were only a handful of UPC churches in the entire state, so for any smaller Oneness Pentecostal group, there were even fewer, if any at all. I called different places that others would share about and they just didn’t line up with the doctrine in one way or another. Eventually I just gave up looking.

Years later when I saw error in the main teachings, so much time had passed in not attending a church that the thought of doing so brought about a bit of apprehension. I had no idea how other churches operated or what would be expected of me as a member or attender. All I’d known was the UPC. This is why church attendance was a problem for me during this time.

When one exits an unhealthy church, it is important to take the time and effort to examine the teachings. Had I looked into the main salvation teachings then, I wouldn’t have been extremely limited in potential new places of worship.

Part 2.

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I dreamed last night that I went back to my former church-not to stay, but to visit. In the dream, my former pastor (the one who skipped town after leaving a resignation letter on his desk suddenly several years ago) returned and was preaching again. The church was packed. I forgot one of my shoes and so wore two that didn’t match, then found the missing one and wasn’t wearing any of them. I sat way in the back and debated sitting further forward, but decided I’d rather sit on the floor than sit any closer to the front and call attention to myself (as though sitting on the floor didn’t).

In the dream, things had changed. Everyone got up and marched around the church to drop their offerings in full view of the leaders who would ensure that everyone was giving enough. Slit skirts were no longer frowned on, skirt lengths had dramatically shortened to mid thigh.

In the dream, other things were eerily similar, yet different: leaders would do pre-service skirt checks that included measuring to ensure that the new standard was met, attitudes were haughty and people looked down on each other, judging and condemning rather than loving. And the woman who taught me Bible studies when I first joined had apparently become a member there, though she lives about 9 hours from that church.

It’s a strange dream for a number of reasons, but primarily because I know I’ll never go back and wouldn’t be welcome if I did. Oddly, the former pastor who allowed so much wrong and who wronged so many would probably be welcomed before me. It’s also strange because I have no idea why I had it. I’ve done nothing that would remind me of them, seen nothing that should have brought on a dream of that place, and it’s been probably several years since I dreamed about that place at all.

Dreams are strange. Thankfully, many don’t mean anything and ones like this no longer bother me or haunt me for hours or days afterward.

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