Category: performance based | Page 4

“Of Like Precious”…(Abuse?)

If I had a dime for all the times I heard it said “of like precious faith,” I’d likely be very rich today (but only if I didn’t give all those dimes away in the offering).

“Of like precious faith” was a code phrase, much like other code phrases that were common in the group I grew up in. Now, when I read anything from that group, I read things that others without that background do not get. I’ve often shown a friend or co-worker something to explain the subtle mental and spiritual abuse, only to have them look at me blankly and ask, “what does this and that mean?” We had our own language that only the special “chosen few” could understand.

The phrase “of like precious faith” did not refer to all other believers, as one might think. It referred only to those who had your own special brand of salvation, doctrine, and dress code. It meant you were in the “in” crowd, the one where people were somehow perceived to be closer to God.

“Of like precious faith” did not mean you were truly a person who had a lot of faith in God–you might perhaps have no faith in God whatsoever, but only believe in your own works to save you. It didn’t mean that you were a person who was precious to be around either. It was quite possible you would be a nasty spirited person who criticized and judged everyone. In fact, often “of like precious faith” meant you were one of the group who looked down on others as being lesser than you and your in crowd.

In reality, the term “of like precious faith” was more like a code name for quite the opposite than what it implied. Often, one could’ve just as easily said “of like minded abuse” and been more accurate. This “precious faith” simply meant that you were one of the elite few who had it made, as far as going to heaven went. You had figured out the formula for the “Kool-aid” that would mark you as one of the group. You had the right clothing on, the right hairstyle, and the judgmental attitude to boot.

All kinds of abusers flew under that flag! Sociopaths were welcome, especially in leadership. Bring your Narcissistic self right on up in your fancy clothing, big Bible in hand. You were already labeled as one of the superior race of Christian, God’s own apostle, regardless of how you treated your family or those in your congregation.

It was a phrase that marked you apart and let people know you were “safe”–they could believe every word that came out of your mouth and they’d better accept you with open arms, lest they prove to not be “of like precious faith” themselves.

Friday I shared with a female co-worker just a hint of something I’d been going through. She asked if I was a person who prayed. I said, “yes.” She asked if she could pray with me. I readily agreed. She began praying “Father, Daddy, …” and what followed was the most anointed prayer that really touched Heaven and instantly calmed my anxiety. Oh, wait! She wasn’t “of that precious faith”! She was Anglican…yet never a more fervent prayer has been prayed over me.

Where did the phrase “of like precious faith” originate? What “big wig” preacher started this? It ran like wild-fire through the ranks. It could never be said of a Baptist, Methodist, Assembly of God, or Presbyterian. In fact, behind the backs of such individuals, even the term “Christian” had to be said with air commas to show you truly believed the individual to be eternally lost and not Christian at all.

Recently a co-worker called me, confused. He is a therapist in a school district and was setting up an intake for a new client, when the clients mom began crying hysterically. He patiently began the job of calming her down. Her problem? She was Pentecostal and she couldn’t go to a counselor that wasn’t a “Christian counselor.” I reminded him that he is a Christian and he is a counselor, but I assured him that might not even be enough for her. I felt much pity and compassion, wondering if her pastor would be upset if she went to a counselor with real credentials, instead of just his own Bible with his man-made interpretation of it. My co-worker wasn’t “of like precious faith.”

Here we are, a lot of wounded souls, all affected by those “like minded abusers.” We once thought they were precious, once believed they were men and women of faith. But then the caressing words and the outpouring of “love” turned to criticism and shaming. Yet, again, here we are. We may be down, we may have been shoved out, shunned, belittled, and downtrodden, but we are alive.

We are learning a new word–FREEDOM. Step by slow step we are learning to find our way through the pain. We are doing it together…people of “like minded pain,” those of “like minded precious grace.” We are learning that there really are true Christians, and we find them in the halls of Anglican churches, on Episcopalian pews, and in many other places…people who do not express to us their religious beliefs per se–but they hold our hands, they hug us, they help us, and they show us true love.

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Coping with the Cults – Part #2 – Judgmentalism

Since leaving a cult, I have delved into studying, writing, reading, talking and coping with the very real, sometimes hidden, but obvious affects cults and their teachings have on lives. Most certainly the very word ‘cult’ conjures up the worst horrors to hit the news headlines, like Jonestown, or Waco, TX, but the majority of cults are far less obvious and insidiously covert, and right next door.

The most common fear or result we have seen as a result of leaving a cult is the harsh judgmentalism that is felt by those who leave, or ‘change.’ You don’t obey their dress standards anymore. You can feel the whispers, the stares. You can even see it in their children’s eyes.

Part 1 (Please see Part 1 for my definition of a Cult)

In Part 1 we dealt with coping with rejection and separation from all you’ve known and been connected to, in the cult. One of the most glaring and obvious signs of a cult is that they require your entire social circle to revolve around them. Your friends, your family, sometimes your job.

Fellowship with ‘outsiders‘ is forbidden. Friendship with the ‘world’ they say, is enmity with God. This is Scriptural, but their definition of ‘the world,’ is twisted and perverted. To them, that is everyone who doesn’t believe and perform in their predefined mold.

To the JW and Mormon structures, absolute avoidance of non-members is required. To my ex-Oneness Pentecostal cult, you can wave and be nice to the family member that has left the ‘way,’ but you should avoid them as much as possible. To the Scientologist, destroying the reputation and value of those who have left, and hate for them is nearly required.

What is Judgmentalism?

So the end result of this mentality is judgmentalism. Judgmentalism exists by believing that there is a superior, or only way, believing that you alone have that only way and thus have found perfection. Anyone who rejects your way, or doesn’t line up is sub-par. They are rejected by God due to these performance standards, and thus, can/should be rejected by you.

For instance, the holiness standards of the United Pentecostal Church, International hold the following ideas simple ideas:

Women cannot wear pants or they violate ‘Wear not that which pertaineth unto a man.’ (Deut 22:5)
Men cannot have long hair, and women cannot cut their hair (short) to any degree. (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)

My particular church held the additional standards:

Watching Television/Movies is sinful (Psalm 101:3)
Wearing short sleeve shirts or shorts (men) is sinful (no Scripture for this)
Men are not to have facial hair (no Scripture for this)
Women need to wear pantyhose when in public or at church events
etc

Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: – Hebrews 12:14, KJV

They have defined all these things as ‘Holiness,’ and then use Hebrews 12:14 (wrongly) to enforce the idea. Why am I saying this?

Because with this mentality, you can now judge those who do not follow this lifestyle choice. For instance, I know a woman who is still in this church standard, and she saw another woman on the side of the road who had left the ‘way,’ in pants. This woman said, ‘Well look, you can see she obviously isn’t going to make it…she is in pants after all.’

A judgment about her status was based on her outward appearance, which, in this case, alluded to her spiritual well-being, as in, she (the women wearing pants) was lost.

Another example of spiteful judgmentalism is how they ignore those who have left their circles. For instance, the bishop of the church I once attended pulled up in a truck to a driveway I stood in with another local businessman, ignored me completely, and refused to acknowledge my wave and greeting. He spoke to the other businessman, then drove away without looking at me.

Recently, the pastor of the church sent a Christmas card to my home and wrote the label to specifically exclude me from their holiday wishes. They could have labeled the envelope, ‘Brickley Family,’ but instead they singled out my wife and daughter.

They and their followers will say, ‘You are the one who chose to leave.’ Yet, I’m not sure how you can justify dropping respect and decency for another person simply because they disagree with you, and/or choose not to attend weekly services at your building.

Another young man decided to leave the church and this same pastor told him spitefully, ‘We will compare how our kids turn out in 30 years to decide who is right and who is wrong.’

This is why judgmentalism is a stumbling block. It can never bear good fruit. Jesus rightly said, ‘Ye shall know them by their fruits,’ and the pastor used the Word spitefully and incorrectly. Judgmentalism overrides common sense, decency, and wisdom. It is not a fruit of God’s Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, KJV

How to cope with Judgmentalism

1. Realize only God can judge you!

First, and foremost, come to grips with the reality that God is the only one capable and worthy to judge you, and when it came right down to it, He doesn’t do so superficially. If other flawed humans are judging you, they do it at their own peril and in our their own ignorance, violating Scripture commandments not to judge.

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way. – Romans 14:13

The cult will demand perfection for admittance, or to maintain your membership, which is truly a stumbling block to faith! God simply demands you strive not to sin, knowing of course that you will again. Consider again the adulteress of John 8, an illustration I’ve used many times.

When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. – John 8:10-11, KJV

We can also take comfort that while God definitely has an opinion about our outward appearance (dress) he is most concerned with the condition of the heart.

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. – 1 Samuel 16:7

2. Surround yourself with non-judgmental people

Human nature tends to be judgmental, so we are going to face this issue throughout our life. Yet, when Coping with the Cults, your primary step towards healing is to get connected with ‘outsiders.’ And this will feel unnatural at first! You’ve been taught for years, perhaps your entire life, that this is absolutely wrong, to connect with people outside of the ‘way.’

More pointedly, find both religious and non-religious people that you can speak to, maybe even family that you had before the cult that would listen to your pains and understand them.

Look, when entering a cult, you cut off the entire world outside the cult. When exiting a cult, they cut you off from them. You are like an infant again in a world of strangers and now, it feels like limbo. Who do you have to turn to now? You must find them!

There are great Facebook groups like SpiritualAbuse.org and their website. These places will connect you to hundreds, thousands of people with similar stories and experiences that can listen, understand and help.

3. Do not become bitter and offer the same treatment in return

Lashing back at them is hard to avoid but is ever so important to avoid it. However, do not confuse exposing the hurt and the behavior of these groups as just being bitter. I expose them all the time, and they accuse me of being bitter.

But in my exposure of these cults, I have had many people come and say, ‘Thank you for sharing this! I was going through this and felt alone and didn’t know where to turn!’

You can be an instrument for a change! Those people who judge you are watching and waiting for your reaction. It may just be that in healing, you cause them to see you didn’t turn into the demon the cult said you would.

I have an in-law that calls me names because now I wear facial hair, which he is not allowed to have. I could in turn label and judge him, but my impact on him would diminish and it would just be a spitting match.

My son watched my words and behavior after I left the cult and had to start admitting, dad might be right… If I had become vile and bitter, he would have believed the worst of me, and been justified to think I had ‘gone astray.’

Conclusion

Coping with the Cults will not be easy, whatever brand, label or type it is. The judgmentalism runs deep in the roots of these organizations. Gossiping is generally the most visible sign of their spirit, both in organizations and in people.

When my sister left our church, years ago, people talked about her all the time. My dear mother, God rest her soul, would ask me at times, “Why do they have to be so mean to her?” They were the church leaders.

The answer is because they must. To be part of the gang you act like the gang. To be accepted into a social circle, you must morph with them. To be considered one of us, you need to act like us.

If you realize this and pray for them, silently forgive them, and count it an opportunity to show them a more real truth, a more real God, and a more real faith, you can endure and spring forth fruits from the judgmentalism.

More importantly, you can slowly etch away at the scars within yourself. Someone who has been deeply ingrained in a cult like society must battle out the judgmentalism they carry in their hearts. There are moments that you’ll look at other people and make decisions based on their appearance. Perhaps even looking back at those you escaped from and judge them.

Battle it out, pray it out, and be thankful you got out!

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Walking In The Light

O house of Jacob, come and let us walk In the light of the LORD. Isaiah‬ ‭2:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why we were all subjected to spiritual abuse. Why did it happen to me when I so much wanted to be saved and serve the Lord. The same wish I think all of us had which is probably why we were an easy mark for the United Pentecostal Church cult.

But even with all their erroneous teaching and rules and regulations it didn’t stop us from continuing our search for truth. We were still in darkness and looking to walk freely in His marvelous light.

I wanted to be like Isaiah and “walk in the light of the Lord.” I wanted to see and learn about God myself. I had all the questions but couldn’t get any straight answers. Could it be the ministry didn’t know the answers? Was it because they were still in darkness themselves? How can you shed light on something while you are sitting in darkness? “Therefore take heed that the light which is in you is not darkness.” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:35‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

For with their belief in a works based salvation and a heavy yoke of bondage that kept us in darkness, had they forgotten it was God who made the light? “Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light. And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness.” Genesis‬ ‭1:3-4 NKJV‬‬

God never wanted his people to sit in darkness. “For it is God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.” II Corinthians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

We were always intended to walk in light and not be in darkness. It is still God’s will for us to be full of light. “The people who walked in darkness Have seen a great light; Those who dwelt in the land of the shadow of death, Upon them a light has shined.” Isaiah‬ ‭9:2‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Now I’ve always been told that December 25 is not Jesus’ real birthday, and that may be so, but the Winter Solstice begins December 21 and this is the darkest time of the year, a week of the longest and darkest nights. It’s the perfect time of the year for the Light of the World to be born. When Jesus was born, the heavens lit up with the light of angels. “And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!”” ‭‭Luke‬ ‭2:13-14 NKJV

The Wise Men also followed a sign, a brightly lit star. “…behold, the star which they had seen in the East went before them, till it came and stood over where the young Child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceedingly great joy.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭2:2, 9-10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Thirty years later, Jesus spoke to his disciples saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12 NKJV

Coincidence? Maybe. But one thing I’ve learned there are no accidents with God, he plans everything in fine detail. Right down to our salvation. Which for some of us had to have the light of God’s word shine out to us and show us the way out of darkness. “Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalms‬ ‭119:105‬ ‭

Yes it was hard, hurtful and full of pain and confusion while we’re caught up in the darkness of erroneous teaching and trying to find salvation because we were eager to be saved but God saw our struggles and said “Let there be light.” And we followed His light out of the darkness. “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.” Ephesians‬ ‭5:8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

In reading and sharing my own experiences I realized that I was still letting myself be trapped in the darkness of the past and it was time for me to be a daughter of light. No more hiding behind the hurt of the past but letting my little light shine for the glory of God and to finally know the light of his love and grace.

If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, the whole body will be full of light, as when the bright shining of a lamp gives you light. ‭‭Luke‬ ‭11:36‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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Clones. Robot-like. Cult-oids. Sameness does not equal holiness.

Clones. Robot-like. Cult-oids. These words all conger up images of people living on autopilot and acting in ways that are very similar to each other. That’s what sect life was like. Very little individuality. In fact, most attempts at individuality were considered willful and selfish. Virtually the same clothes. Same hairstyles. Same language. Same way of thinking. Same routines. Same rituals. Same social circle.

I wasn’t asked what made me happy – what hobbies I would would like to pursue – it was more important to be sitting in their services multiple days per week. Pursuing individual hobbies was an act of rebellion. It wasn’t serving the Lord. Sports were frowned upon. Any extra-curricular activities. Anything that took you away from the Bible, the services, and pondering the Lord’s swift return. Even pets were discouraged.

What they don’t realize is that this sets kids up for depression. Kids are supposed be running around, not sitting still and silent. They are supposed to explore the world, and different options and opportunities. No birthday parties were allowed. No Christmas trees or decorations. No TV. No entertainment. No movies. No radio. And they kept telling me that they didn’t have rules, that these restrictions were all for my benefit! Yeah, right.

I’m not sure why they appear to think that sameness amounts to holiness. If God had wanted a relationship with “robots” then He would have created us all identical, with the same looks, the same personality, the same gifts, the same character and temperament. But He delights in our freedom (He gave us free will after all) and delights in our uniqueness. He is the Artist. We are the canvases upon which he creates many masterpieces – no one the same as the other. All original. All a unique expression of who He is. All created in His image and likeness. God is joyous, creative, vibrant, happy – so why can’t we also be these things this side of heaven? We are supposed to be. That’s why Jesus came.

The sect members in general have a dead look in their eyes. Its like hope left the building years ago. What hope do you have when most of life’s pleasures, experiences, and opportunities for relationship (including one with your Creator) are curtailed and out-of-bounds? I felt hopeless and helpless at the young age of 7. I already knew I couldn’t have the hobbies I wanted, or an education beyond high school, or real friends, or travel to exotic destinations (you cannot travel anywhere where there is not a congregation, and there are very few congregations). I knew at the age of 7 that I would never see the pyramids, or Rome, or any of the other wonders of the world.

God created this world beautiful and lush for his tenants to enjoy. But toxic religion tries to limit us. It tries to take away the free will that was granted to us by our Father. I’d love to know what Jesus says to them when they pass on to heaven – maybe “my child, you didn’t need to be a slave, or to live like a pauper, or to control everything in my name…all I wanted was your HEART”.

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Bible Reading and Prayer

I’ve asked and been asking myself for years why I struggle so much with Bible reading and prayer. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can talk to God a little bit, but I wouldn’t say we were on close speaking terms. Bible reading is very difficult, and I rarely pick up a Bible or want anything to do with things that remind me of it.

This didn’t happen because I left the church. It happened because I was in it. It happened because the words that were supposed to comfort me were very often used against me instead. People who professed to be Christians did what they could to undermine my faith and that of others, in order to lift themselves or hide their own failures, and not just a few times, but repeatedly, until what I hear when I read, no matter what it is, brings a flood of bad memories rather than anything good.

I wasn’t raised in what most people who read this might consider a Christian home. We went to Sunday School, we read Jesus storybooks sometimes, but Bible reading was in preparation to teach, and prayer was mainly before extended family meals, not part of daily life. I struggled with some things in my own life, and at nine I went to a camp where we were ‘encouraged’ to have daily devotionals and to memorize scripture. I was a strict rule-follower and very much took these new rules to heart.

When I got home, though, I quickly learned that it was not to my advantage to follow them… I hid to memorize verses or to read my Bible, and most of my prayer time was done after lights out or high up in the top of a maple tree where no one would know. (When my sister found out I was reading my Bible, the next time we were in trouble for something she chimed in to Dad that I should know better because I was reading my Bible… and she got off the hook while I was punished, because he agreed with her.) Still, even touching the Bible brought me a kind of peace and calmed me in a way that nothing else had been able.

Throughout my childhood there was a feeling that I should be following the rule, the discipline, of quiet time. I wasn’t very faithful with it always, but the thought was there that I should be. Going to a Pentecostal church backed that thought. I jumped into that rule and others very eagerly–the concept of rules associated with church was familiar to me, and I liked having rules… they brought order to areas of my life that were very chaotic otherwise. One problem with this was that it led to legalism… the other was that not everyone followed the same rules.

Bible reading, particularly, went from being something positive to a chore within just a few years. I craved the recognition of getting my Bible reading certificate (for reading the Bible through in a year), but it was easy to fall behind and it was hard to catch up. There were other obligations, there was life… and more and more a piece of paper and a few minutes of applause for the hours and hours of ‘faithfulness’ in a year wasn’t enough. I started to recognize that the recognition was unfair when the youth were challenged with a point system — a point for every minute prayed or chapter read. Well, goodness, I could pray and drive but I sure couldn’t read and drive, and I could speed read but I wouldn’t get much from what I’d ‘read,’ but this was how to rack up points. And a chapter often took a whole lot longer than a minute of prayer. There would be no recognition for ‘slow and steady’ in the point system. I think that is the first year after joining that I didn’t get my certificate. It didn’t matter any more.

Within three years of that, I was thrown out of a church. I fasted for a week before I was thrown out, having been warned to somehow change whatever the pastor disliked, even though I wasn’t sure what that was. Fasting didn’t ‘fix’ me, and it didn’t prevent me being thrown out. I’d been the only one going to the church to pray, the only one going to the prayer room before church at least sometimes, definitely the only one ‘interceding’ in tongues for the services, but I was the one thrown out. I didn’t understand how this could happen. Being thrown out made me doubt myself and my routines of prayer and fasting. What difference had they made? Not only was I told not to go back there, but I’d actually had the pastor tell me he didn’t know if I COULD BE saved.

I experimented a little while with other options, but in the end I moved… to a place that ended up just as bad or worse. Within months I was no longer reading, praying other than before church as required, or fasting if I could avoid it without getting called out. I’d try. I was guilt ridden when I didn’t, and fearful that I’d be ‘caught,’ but even the fear and the guilt weren’t adequate motivators. Not that they should have been; by that point I had THAT unhealthy a perception of “Christian disciplines,” though.

It’s not easy to get out of that level of legalism or that degree of unhealthiness.

Tonight I found an article about the type of church I grew up in. It reminded me of that group’s “five steps to salvation” and the emphasis to a nine year old camper of the importance of daily Bible reading, memorization, and prayer. It reminded me of the beginnings of a legalism that would take me, finally, to a place where I wondered if there was a god, to a place where I’d sit stunned as someone told me they were a Christian but didn’t have devotionals and didn’t think they were even necessary… to a place where I would wish I could believe the same, to find again a place with God where the rules didn’t matter, but just the relationship.

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