Author: Nana5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Resolution: Courage To Be Myself

Oh how I dislike those pesky resolutions that we all make, hoping that we can at least complete one from our lists. So…how many have you completed? If you are like me it’s probably none…zilch…nada…zero!

Of course this could be the year that I will complete at least one of my resolutions. So why is this year any different? Is it me? Are my resolutions easier? Are they as challenging as prior years? Maybe not, but this year I want to have the Courage To Be Myself.

I want to have the courage to embrace my strengths, get excited about life, and enjoy giving and receiving love.

I want to face and transform my fears. Ask for help and support when I need it. Spring free of the Superwoman trap. I need to trust myself to make my own decisions and choices. Befriend myself and complete unfinished business and realize that I have emotional and practical rights.

I want to talk as nicely to myself as I do my plants and flowers in my garden. Communicate lovingly while understanding my goals. Honor my own needs and give myself credit for my accomplishments.

I need to love that little United Pentecostal Church girl within me and overcome my addiction to approval. Grant myself permission to play and quit being a responsible sponge. I need to feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately.

I want to nurture others because I want to, not because I have to. I need to choose what is right for me. I need to insist on being paid fairly for what I do. Limits and boundaries need to be set and I need to abide by them. Say “yes”only when I mean it.

I need to have realistic expectations, take some risks and accept change so I can grow through challenges. I want to be totally honest with myself and correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions. Respect my vulnerabilities and heal my old and current wounds.

I want to savor the mystery of the Spirit, wave good-bye to guilt and plant flowers instead of weed thoughts in my mind. Treat myself respect and teach others to do the same. I want to fill my cup first and then nourish others from the overflow.

It is time for me to own my own excellence, plan for my future but live in the present. I need to value my intuition and wisdom and know that I am lovable. It’s okay to celebrate the differences between man and women and develop deeply healthy, supportive relationships. It is very important to make forgiveness a priority!
I need to accept myself just as I am now and learn to take it one step at a time, one day at a time because change takes time.

Hope365

Having hope everyday is hard but when you can make it a believable and living hope which is through Jesus, then it is real hope that we can have 365 days a year!

I volunteer with a group called Celebrate Recovery at my church and they like to use acronyms so I came up with one for hope:

H – He

O- Overcomes

P – Problems

E – Everyday

That my friends is the truth and a believable hope. “He Overcomes Problems Everyday”

Romans 15:3 says, “Now May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Jesus is the power that can deliver us from anything today and all the tomorrows and for deliverance we must have a living and believable hope in Jesus Christ. I call it Hope365 because it is with me all the time 24/7 and 365 days a year.

Romans 12:12 says: …REJOICING IN HOPE, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer…

In our world today we find very little hope in God and most have a hard time believing in an invisible God and they put their trust and hope In those tangible things like money, houses, cars and houses.

But when they cannot find hope, their lives become hopeless and too often this hopelessness leads them to self defeating behaviors and habits which wreck havoc upon their lives. Before long, in desperation they may do something even more drastic, drink too much, overdose on drugs, run away, break the law and get sent to jail. Or it wrecks their families and again life ends in a divorce or worse, suicide.

Did you know that the word hope appears in the Bible 129 times in 121 verses? In the New Testament the majority of the verses link hope to salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ.

I Thessalonians 5:8: “But let us who are of the day be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love, and as a helmet the hope of salvation.”

Real hope is a living, believable hope. It is HOPE365!! Simply stated when we trust the word of God, we trust Jesus because the word testifies of him, and a hope in Jesus is a sure thing that holds fast and protects us as a refuge from the worst of storms.

“For I know the thoughts that i think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, To give you a FUTURE AND A HOPE!!

Jeremiah 29:11 has become my mantra because God spoke this to my heart when I was at the bottom, thinking my life was over, because I’d been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. My life was over and when I looked up to the heavens and asking God a lot of questions and a lot of Whys?? God used His word to reassure me all was well and to have hope.

God gave me a hope and a future, just like he’s given one to all of you….. it’s a Hope 365 and it is a believable and living hope that is ready for you to step in and accept.

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Me???

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked “Why do bad things happen to me.” Or if I asked the same question to God when I was going through a fiery trail, facing a disappointing diagnosis, or possibly a death in the family, I’d be a rich lady.

But since I’m not wealthy and at times I still get asked that question or ask it myself, now it seems like God is showing me more and more and explaining his ways, which are much different than mine.

It seems our world is full of sickness, war, accidents, tragedies, and natural disasters and they fall on the just and the unjust, the Christian and the non-Christian. Yet if God is so good and all-powerful, why doesn’t he just wipe out evil in this world?

To answer this question we need to go back to the beginning….of the Bible…”In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth….” and he saw it was all good. He then formed man from the dust of the ground, and breathed the breath of life and he became a living soul. God placed Adam in the garden and gave him full reign of the Garden of Eden and he could eat of everything except the tree of good and evil. I want you to notice that Eve hadn’t been created yet when Adam was warned not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2:17).

Then God decided to make a mate for Adam and he created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs. When Adam saw her he said …..”she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Genesis 2:23. Surprisingly to me I don’t see where God nor Adam warned Eve about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, especially in chapter three.

Eve’s out shopping in the garden and the serpent, with his cunning ways and slick tongue caught up with Eve in the produce aisle and “he said to the woman, Has God said, You shall not eat of every tree of the garden?” And she replied “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.” (Genesis 3:1-3)

I can see that old serpent slithering around the tree branches and showing Eve that he wasn’t dead from touching it and he smiled his serpentine smile and a little hiss he said, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:4-5)

So of course Eve considered the fruit and saw it was good for food, pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband (who was standing there with her the whole time and not saying a word!) and he ate….now I think most of us know the rest of the story and the punishment that followed. From the moment they gave in to temptation and ate of the fruit, sin and evil entered into the world. EVERYTHING changed and nothing was ever going to be the same again. Not even man’s relationship with God.

Murder, jealousy, and hatred are the first evil emotions that we find in the lineage of Adam and Eve, when Cain killed his brother Abel, and then lying when God asked Cain where was his brother. Of course this poor family went from the top of the world to the bottom with one bite of forbidden fruit and now one son was dead, killed by the hand of the other brother, who God curses and he became a vagabond.

I wish I could say that was the worse part of this journey but unfortunately in chapter 6 and verses 5-7, we read that the Lord saw the wickedness of Man was great in the earth and every thought was on evil continually and the Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth and his heart was grieved.

I could go on and tell you about Noah and how he found favor with God and how the earth was so evil that God destroyed it all with a great flood. You see, my friends, God is all powerful and he hates evil and like in the days of Noah, he could wipe out evil but there would be nothing left of our world. God originally created a perfect world and he also gave man the freedom to make a choice to obey or disobey. When Adam and Eve sinned, death and suffering entered the world and became a part of life (Romans 5:12), we were born in sin and shaped in iniquity. Therefore we all face the fact of evil and wickedness in our life and the only solution, is God’s solution which is Jesus Christ.

How does Jesus become the solution to evil and wickedness? The moment we surrender our life to him, we enter into God’s Master Plan. You may not know what the future holds for you, but you know who holds the future. God has promised in Romans 8:28, that all things work together for good to them that love God. You notice this verse says ALL THINGS, not just the good but the bad also. Psalm 119:91 says that everything serves God’s plan.

Quite a few years ago I felt God leading me to do a three day fast, abstaining from food and only his word would be my bread of life, so being the pastor’s wife, I locked myself inside the church with my journal, bibles, and a pillow and blanket. I was determined to see this fast through and see the salvation of the Lord.

At the end of the three days, I was weak but feeling victorious that God had heard my prayers and he saw my sacrifice and I just knew He was going to answers my prayers! I had prayed for the church to grow with new people and for our financial needs at the church. We desperately needed a new roof for the church and had been saving up each week but still had a long way to go before we had that $10,000 for the new roof. Oh was I ever excited to see how God was going to handle this!

Within one month of that three day fast my entire world was turned upside down. I felt myself spinning like a top and couldn’t stop. First we had a church split and lost half our congregation. I was speechless…..hadn’t I just sacrificed for a new growth and what about the new roof? Second, trying to move on from a church split is very hard….almost impossible when your pastor husband was seeking revenge…not good at all. Third, well my life completely changed when I came home from registering our son in college to an empty house, empty bank accounts and an empty pulpit. Oh yeah I did have a short Dear Jane letter…. how he found someone else and I was yesterday’s news. Which was not very comforting…..

I can tell you one thing I was beyond upset. I was crushed. I was heart broken. I wanted to run over him with my car!! I blamed everybody. God, church, him, her, and did I say God? I was left with no money, unemployed, worn out and discarded like an old dirty sock. I had 30 days to move off church property and I had no idea where to go or what to do. I do remember crying a lot.

Then one morning I got up and put my big girl panties on and got to work. I went to my parents house in St. Louis and talked with my dad. He loaned me the money to get on my feet and move my mobile home to a park and it seemed I had devised a plan of sorts. Get moved and get a job. I sent out resumes and went on interviews. Packed and found a mover. I was hired by a CPA firm and got moved and I made enough money to support myself. I thought God was so good?!.

That was the first time I even thought about God but even through this bad time he was there with me. Now I was still hurt and cried everyday for what was lost. But I didn’t want my husband back. I loved my new job and I was back by my family again and I was on my own for the first time in my life. I think I started to feel happy. I filed for divorce, went back to college and became a tax accountant and supervisor. I worked at that office for 16 years until I retired and I’ve met a wonderful man that I’ve been dating for quite a few years now. I have a great church I attend that is not legalistic and my life is sure different now.

Remember that three day fast I did? Was it all for naught? My prayers were not answered the way I wanted them to be but none of the circumstances were what I thought they were either. Can you imagine God trying to stop my husband from cheating on me, or keeping the church from splitting? When none of those situations would have worked out. But because God works all things for good……..He went back a few years and answered a prayer l had prayed about going back to school and getting my Bachelors degree. I was told there was no way I could do it. But God made a way…..after being home while I was a pastors wife, God opened doors for me to find a good job and I made a good income. God also opened my eyes to the garbage that was going on in the United Pentecostal Church and I escaped and found the wonderful church I attend today and the freedom I have to minister and belong.

So you can’t tell me fasting doesn’t work….it made me strong when I faced the fire and I made it to the other side without the smell of smoke on me. God still answers prayers they just might not be the ones you thought he would answer. He is still an on-time God. If you are having trouble in this area read Isaiah 58. That’s a fast without giving up food. I’ve been on it for a year now and the blessings of God have been amazing.

Don’t let the enemy trick you with fear and anger. You are missing out on the greatest time of your life. Just you and God together.

Lessons from the Shepherd

I was reading my Bible one night before bed and the last thing I read was Psalm 23. Now at times I’m a very vivid dreamer and I had a dream about Psalm 23. It was a bit peculiar and different because in my dream it was like a classroom setting and a man dressed like a shepherd was lecturing us…on Psalm 23. The following is what I remember from the dream and I needed this the last few days as I went through a tragic event in my family.

“The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.”
He loves me, teaches me, leads me in his ways not man’s but His. He opens his word to me and feeds me and quenches my thirst and he gives me rest.
“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
It isn’t always physical death when I walk through that valley…although he has spared my life miraculously. He has also brought me through seasons of doubt and fear and anxiety. His word I have read and those words comfort me.
“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;”
Even when he sits me at a table where I have to face my enemies but I will have no fear.
“You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over.”
For my head has been anointed and my joy runs over. I know what my God can do. He’s been tested as have I and my faith is very strong.
“Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the LORD Forever.”
This is not necessarily heaven yet because I can dwell in his presence all the time. Heaven will be the icing on the cake!

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Bitter or Better?

You are probably thinking this is going to be one of those articles about forgiveness….but you would be wrong.

This is a story of victory over bitterness to become better….and it’s not my story, although I can relate to it, like so many of us, it is a story of bitterness but with a hope of becoming better.

Let’s take a look at the book of Ruth beginning in chapter 1:

A famine had been declared in the land and Elimelech decided to move his wife, Naomi and their two sons, Mahlon and Chilion, to Moab where there was food and freedom from famine. So they went to Moab and lived among those that worshipped strange Gods and did things differently.

Now scripture doesn’t say how long they were there before Naomi’s husband, Elimelech, died leaving Naomi alone with her two sons. Of course, by then her sons had met Moabite women and married them. Their names were Orpha and Ruth and they continued to dwell in Moab for another 10 years. Then Naomi’s two sons died and she was left with her two daughter in laws.

Naomi heard that the famine in Bethlehem was over and decided to go back to her country. The two daughter in laws were all packed and ready to go with her when Naomi told them both to go back to their own families and not come to Bethlehem with her. The women hugged and cried and Orpha went back to her family, but Ruth stayed with Naomi and said where you go, I go.

So the two women journeyed back to Bethlehem and the Bible says Naomi didn’t speak to her. (Ruth 1:18). Why did she not speak to her? Maybe she was lost in her own bitter thoughts? Where were they were going to live or how were they going to survive?

“Now the two of them went until they came to Bethlehem. And it happened, when they had come to Bethlehem, that all the city was excited because of them; and the women said, “Is this Naomi?” But she said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, and the LORD has brought me home again empty. Why do you call me Naomi, since the LORD has testified against me, and the Almighty has afflicted me?” Ruth 1:21 ‭‭
(Naomi means peace and Mara means bitter.)

On her return she had put the blame on God and let the bitterness sink into her soul because bitterness gives us someone to blame. Bitterness comes when we tell God he messed up and got this one wrong. Bitterness comes when we blame God for the hurt and fear that has been brought on by circumstances and situations that we are facing. Bitterness overpowers hope and it poisons relationships. Bitterness comes when we retreat into ourselves and change our names to “Mara,” which means bitterness, just as Naomi did…

So has your life’s dreams been smashed and broken at your feet? Have you said to God, “you better fix this?”

My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices and ugly truths. It’s also filled with a major comeback, peace in my soul and grace that saved my life. [Quote is found in numerous memes.]

Part 2 – When Bitterness turns Better. Coming soon!