Category: legalism | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving Behind Performance Based Religion

The following is a guest post by John, a former member of the United Pentecostal Church.

************************

In my world and realm of connection of UPCI (and such like churches), I am noticing a trend. Now I realize this isn’t the same in all circles or regions, but it could be soon.

The once high standards are falling away. The outward standards are being let down, reinterpreted, not preached as much, and in some instances being done away with.

Some churches are allowing saints to go to theaters, sporting events, allow facial hair on men, allow hair coloring, allow hair trimming, allow some make-up, etc…

For someone that left an ultra conservative legalistic Oneness church, this makes it tempting to return to one of these. They can still enjoy the worship service and the friendships they have been accustomed to without as much condemnation or guilt.

I’m going to steal the analogy I heard one of my former pastors use, it’s like putting “lipstick on a pig.” When they remove old standards there are simply new ones that replace them that determine your salvation. The following phrase was often said in such liberal setting, “you can’t behave your way into heaven but you sure can misbehave your way into hell.” It is still performance based religion. Whether it’s your pastor or fellow members watching you to see if you dress or appear right, OR if they are simply watching now if you talk or act right, it’s still the same mindset!

This church culture may start to water down their so-called standards but they will still treat sin the same. Sure they may have more patience, but they will still see you as someone that needs to ‘perform’ the role of a Christian, as they define it, to be saved. They still expect you to ‘fake it until you make it.’ Renaming or redefining the standards doesn’t change the fact they are trying to earn the right to maintain their salvation and it is that mindset that oppressed every man and woman.

I took some time away from a group for about three months. I needed to silence voices from both sides of this spectrum to make sure my influence was that of genuine ‘truth.’ In that time, I have seen how horribly divisive some churches are, even outside of Oneness churches. If you choose to live with God, then do it genuinely, not to please man; do it genuinely, not in hopes to generate a feeling; do it genuinely, not to complete a series of ‘checklists;’ do it genuinely, so that your relationship with him is your own!

Even in the watered down UPCI churches it is still divisive. It is still their ‘Acts 2:38’ message that is the only way, and that ‘my way or the highway’ mentality is a bunch of garbage. For three months I had been a part of a non-denominational Trinitarian church, until I learned they believed that if someone didn’t fully believe the Trinity then they weren’t saved. When I learned this I got so sick to my stomach. It was no different than what I just left. It’s not only the overwhelming standards and micromanaging of lives (not to minimize the affect of this stuff in our healing), but it is that overriding thought process that says beyond ‘belief’ we (a church,) have additional aspects that must be followed. It is this divisiveness that destroys, that generates the judgment, that fuels the micromanaging, that turns the wheels of the performance based religion and oppressed people.

I say all this… I know many are atheist now, or agnostic, or believers but not church goers. For each category I respect and understand your decisions and this isn’t necessarily for you directly. But for those looking or attending a new church, be wise. Even in the liberal Apostolics, Protestants, and non-denominational churches, there are those that have a performance based religion. I’m convinced in such atmosphere you won’t grow. It will be the lipstick on a pig. The same mindset, just different ways of doing it. I’m convinced there are churches that truly allow you to live, to exist without such condemnation. There are churches that believe that God isn’t concerned with changing our outward behaviors, but rather doing a work on the inside, that, yes, will eventually affect our outward behaviors naturally in everyone’s own time, and it’s okay that everyone’s journey is different. I personally am thankful that I have finally found one.

I’ll end with this… I have learned that I am sickened, and dare I say that I think God is also sickened, by churches that are legalistic, regardless if UPCI, Apostolic, Protestant, Non-denominational, or even Catholic/Orthodox. We all came out of an extreme version of it; beware of the more subtle versions as well. I highly recommend that you don’t simply leave a church because it had the name UPCI, to another church simply because it’s name isn’t UPCI. Leave the performance based religion and enter into an actual joyful and liberating walk and journey with God!

IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part 1)

Disappearing down the quiet trail, the morning breeze still saturated with the early dew, bright fluorescent lights shatter the darkness, illuminating the university track and field course, a mere hour before dawn. Jared’s strict regimen of daily work-outs and meticulous counting of proteins, calories and carbohydrates begins his marathon sprint to losing one hundred pounds by next school year. Because exercise and nutrition are vital to physical and mental health and stamina, a balanced strategy and program is imperative to ensuring the weight-watcher continues to maintain adequate sustenance without overexertion in order to develop a healthier lifestyle. This includes a baseline intake of calories, proteins, complex carbohydrates, potassium, electrolytes, vitamins, and the right form of cholesterol, all while burning adequate amounts of fat without consequentially destroying muscle and bone density. Without this guideline, the dieter creates a phenomena where the outside appears substantially healthier, but the inside is weaker and damaged from the extreme conditions imposed on the body. In like manner, the rigid music and dress standards of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches, imposed by pastors and by the congregants themselves for the sake of a healthier, well-nourished spiritual-life, are just like a bad diet plan.

While the outside seems to adjust by leaps and bounds, intricately constructed within the framework and silver-lining of legalism, the inside lacks true nurture and development, focusing rather on a performance-based relationship with Christ and ministry. Strict musical standards formulated around trepidation of crossing into a mystical “beat of the world” quickly creates repetitive and dry worship services, leaving church leaders and congregations horrified of potentially allowing the flesh to even minimally react in accordance with the moving of the Holy Spirit. For fear of causing a man to stumble in his walk with the Lord, women are shamed into over-covering their God’s given bodies, placing the burden of responsibility solely on the woman and other women around her to do anything necessary to prevent alluring the eye of a man in any manner. This in turn results in outdated, frumpy clothing, and limited jewelry or make-up coined as Biblical modesty. While this develops a culture of pride in fulfilling one’s duty towards modesty, a stark contrast that focuses on business attire promotes the facade of a mature spiritual walk in a vast quantity of churches, passing judgement on a man not wearing a suit and tie, or on a woman for not having her hair, make-up and jewelry fashioned in a way that is considered “presentable before the Lord.” Outfits and appearances, as well as songs and performance styles, are scrutinized to the fullest extent of Pharisaical law, creating a false sense of spirituality that not only justifies and covers sin, but neglects the true mental and emotional needs of the congregants and visitors to come.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps”, typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

Why Am I a Baptist?

Sitting cozily on my bookshelf at home is a recorded message entitled, “Why I Am a Baptist.” This common lesson is harrowed from pulpits across the country, stirring up the hearts of listeners in their pews. Shouts of “Amen!” and “Glory to God!” resound through the usually quiet buildings and halls of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. Through James Carroll’s The Trail of Blood and John T. Christian’s The History of the Baptists, young, independent, fundamental Baptists are taught the value of their Christian heritage: a remnant of believers of “like-precious faith,” called by various names throughout the centuries- Donatists, Anabaptists, Puritans, Separatists, etc.- all heinously persecuted for their stance in believer’s baptism.

This “trail of blood” or common chord is delicately traced back to the time of Christ. That notion, however, is as equivalently ludicrous as concluding that any person who often consumed rice is of Asian descent and culture, or that anyone who, wrapped his head in a turban is part of radical Islam. (Side-note: men that wear turbans are Sikhs, not Moslem, but that is beside the point.) Nevertheless, in order to begin looking at the mind-sets of the majority of IFB churches, one must begin with noting the baseline doctrine of Baptist churches, commonly coined, “The Baptist Distinctives,” as outlined in the following acrostic:

Bible as Soul Authority of Faith and Practice
Autonomy of the Local Church
Priesthood of Every Believer
Two Church Ordinances
Individual Soul Liberty
Saved Church Membership
Two Church Offices: Pastor and Deacons
Separation of Church and State

Growing up in strict IFB churches and attending a well-known IFB Bible college in the southeastern United States, my husband and I are both well-acquainted with the Baptist Distinctives, and, unfortunately, with the legalism and obligations. As our family has just recently left a once-balanced but now spiritually-abusive IFB church, we have been forced to re-evaluate our understanding of biblical expectations and what is considered healthy in a church for the protection of our family. As we consider the requirements for a church home, we are finding that most of those requirements are standards, not doctrine. Therefore, today, I want to pose the question, “Why AM I a Baptist?”. In order to answer such a loaded question, we need to look at the standards and status quos of the majority of IFB churches that will be addressed in more detail within the following weeks:

Patriarchy in Church Polity and Home
Rigid Music and Dress Standards
Idolization of the Preacher and Absolute Power
Discouragement of Individual Thought Outside of Established Ideals.
Extreme Sensitivity to Natural Sexual Affection

Not exactly the typical Baptist acrostic, but this one seems to be more appropriate: P-R-I-D-E. Baptists take a dangerous level of pride in their Christian heritage, staunch standards, and convictions, claiming to be the only church that rightly divides the word of truth, condemning anyone who dares to disagree. Their arrogance creates a cult-like environment where questioning is only encouraged with the goal of conformity, instilling unity through fear within the congregants.

Why AM I a Baptist? I’m not so sure anymore, but this may be the start of my family leaving the IFB movement. I hope this series provides the information necessary for families seeking shelter from the abuse or just enough light to open the eyes of those still inside.

*Disclaimer* Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps”, typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

What Are You Plugged Into?

The long buzzing wires of the power-plant hang perfectly in the balance over the soft-flowing river, electricity surging through at lightening speeds. A tender infant’s favorite fuzzy bear lights up with contagious laughter and merry song, but its energy begins to wane over the course of days. Long gone are the days of fire-lit torches and oil lamps in first-world countries, society heavily dependent upon electricity to function: lights, doors, phones, televisions, computers, cars, and more. The efficiency and dependability of those items, however, are heavily reliant upon the power source. Is there enough power? Is it a pure source of power? Is the voltage too high, placing too great a strain and demand? As Christians, what are we plugged into? Is it too great, not enough, or holding us back? Or is the electrical output overriding the computer system’s limits, frying the circuits and rendering seemingly useless without repair?

The demands of a pastor or teacher are often too strenuous, adding restrictions and rules on top of what is truly demanded in Scripture. Are skirts long enough? Are collars high, sleeves long, and material loose? The subtle show of skin or appearance of figure will lead a man to fall. Are the men wearing suits in the summer heat, daily scraping off their facial hair, marching forward with a heavy black Bible under their arms? No one will support them in the ministry without a white collared shirt and tie. Are households in church every time the doors are open, despite sickness and family gatherings? Do women touch-up their make-up five minutes before their husbands arrive home, dinner on the table and children decked in freshly-pressed clothes after a grueling day of isolation, chaos, and bodily fluids, now taking on her duty as a proper help-meet for her husband? Generations of parents continue to uphold these ideals based on their own childhood, never questioning the validity of such teachings, oblivious to the sparkle soon lost in their children’s eyes.

What are we dependent upon as Christians? Are we taught that we must hang on every word and beckoning call of the preacher in order to attain salvation or a level of spiritual maturation and faith? Do we rest in just getting through the next hellacious verbal or physical beating from pastor or spouse with integrity intact, holding onto submission as key? Have we developed co-dependent relationships, soul-ties as deep as David and Jonathan? When the inevitable break occurs, the one dependent is mostly destroyed, while the stronger merely continues on with barely a scratch or taste of the tragedy left behind. Through innocent fervor or fear of hell-fire, we rely on other people, practices, and principles to survive the ravaging tactics of spiritual abuse in our churches and homes.

As lightening strikes, the power plant explodes and crumbles. The whirring current comes to a halt, leaving everything desolate, and shattered in pieces because the electrical strain is too great to bear. The human body and psyche can only handle so much. Or maybe it’s the slow, waning drain of the teddy bear battery, as functions shut down one by one. Movements become robotic and the musical notes slur together. Life slowly drains from the little bear, to the point that most will never notice until the battery is nearly dead.

Christ said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest into your souls. For my yoke is easy , and my burden light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). His intended yoke is much lighter then the legalism of man. The Bible says in Deuteronomy 33:25, “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.” God said to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for thee…for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” God’s demands are never greater than what He gives us strength for, but man’s expectations and standards create a load we are not meant to bear, strained even more without the power to sustain them over a period of time.

What are you plugged into?

Melanie, A Minister’s Wife, Shares Her United Pentecostal Experience

Below is the experience of Melanie and Mark who were long-term members of the United Pentecostal Church. They pastored a church for years and Mark held several district positions during his time as a UPC minister. What happened to them isn’t just a one-time incident in the organization, as you will see from a second couple who recently shared a small part of their story. I saw Melanie’s story elsewhere and asked permission to share it here so that others would be able to see it and be helped and encouraged. (Some changes have been made.) The organization doesn’t just bite and devour some of its former members who were never licensed or didn’t hold positions, but they have also done so to their licensed ministers, people who have served the UPCI for years, some for decades.

**********

Mark was born and raised in the United Pentecostal Church. He is now 54. I left Catholicism and came in at 15 (37 years ago). After biting our (ever bleeding) tongues over hearing and seeing more than any one should hear or see as a Christian, much less as a minister in this organization … and further, after raising our children in this, we finally had enough and left about a year and a half ago. The only regret we have is that we didn’t have the courage to do it sooner.

We pastored for over 30 years in various capacities. Mark held many district positions. His most recent pastorate was for 18 years. When I stop here to say that Mark’s identity and livelihood was tied to the UPC, it is an understatement. His family goes back 4 generations. His great grandfather, grandfather, father, brothers, uncles and some cousins are all ministers. His family is well known and respected in the UPC. Most every member of his family, immediate and extended, are “in church”. As far as Mark’s livelihood goes, Mark worked at a building supply store, besides pastoring full time. Two thirds of our income was derived from the church. We depended on the church for our bread and butter. Mark had always felt it was important to earn his own paycheck from outside the church. We both felt it was important to interact with our small town community. However, to survive without the church income was somewhat impossible, or so we thought.

Now, my upbringing, on the other hand, was quite in contrast to Mark’s. My dad owned a bar and therefore, I was raised on the bar stool … the bartender’s daughter. Very well loved by him and quite protected by his bouncers and bartenders. However, I so desperately wanted to know and understand God, that I was willing to do what I needed to do, so as to “prove” it to Him. In reality, it really ended up that I was proving it to those who were telling me what to do. I truly came into this innocently but with a deep desire to learn about and love God. It wasn’t even a year after we were married when I began to see and question things that didn’t add up. But I buried those questions in an effort not to alarm Mark. Not knowing he had the same questions and concerns. During our 33+ years of marriage, we have seen and experienced more junk in the UPC than I care to mention! But as you also know, we were all taught to bury those concerns or questions and to trust in those who have rule over us, to carry on blindly, to focus on “God and His word,” or what they said was God’s word.

We have 3 children, 19, 21 and 29 years of age. We denied our children (and ourselves) so much life and fun in the attempt to do the “right thing”. I am deeply grieved when I think on it. Thankfully, our three children still love and serve God. They are strong in their faith in Him. They also love and are very loyal to family. We were always very open with them, encouraged discussion and also taught them to question and think for themselves. As a result of our deep discussions, our children each formulated their own beliefs and guidelines which, of course (no surprise), were very different than UPC and in some ways different than ours. We are ok with that. We want them to make their own decisions, just as we wanted to make our own. All 3 of our children and son-in-law chose to stay and help our efforts until we left. They all basically said the same thing but at separate times, when they each came to us on their own. They said since we all felt the same concerning the standards, or should I say legalism, they wanted to help us see this thing through and if we couldn’t see it through together, then they wanted us to all leave together rather than fragment off at separate times. We are so thankful for their moral support! Our children have made us feel so honored and loved. They are such blessings to us!!!

Over the years, we had always tried to do our best and comply with the all the rules in an effort to be pleasing to both God and man, with emphasis on “man”. We hoped we could make a difference in helping the 35+ congregation to see another way, to understand what God’s grace was really all about and to allow them to make their own choices without any interference from us. Sometimes we thought we were making progress. How wrong we were, and on so many counts! In spite of constant looks of judgement and gossip, we truly did love them and so continued at our post. It was a heavy load. We were depressed, bound and always stressed. All of us! I won’t go into the fact that our family had to do nearly everything in the church. That’s another long heart wrenching story.

We finally left after our church board was insisting that I quit my new job as an EMT. I had gone back to school, became an EMT and had been working on the ambulance corp for a year and a half before they found out I was wearing a uniform! …. more specifically pants and only while on duty. A double standard, we know. But, we knew that there might be some of the congregation that might accept my wearing them on the job only and then as a result, we might have an open door in the future to discuss the falseness in their long held beliefs. I know it was probably a futile effort, but we loved the people and so much wanted to open their eyes to God’s understanding, grace and freedom.

Let me point out here, that during Mark’s ministry, he never once preached standards. Mainly because he couldn’t bring himself to preach things he questioned. He always allowed people to make their own choices. However, when it was time for us to experience that same liberty, we were denied it … and with extreme anger judgement, I might add! The church turned on us, so ardently, that many fabricated rumors circulating concern our marriage and children! The shunning was so pronounced, it was as though all the good things and sacrifices we made over 18 years as pastor at this church, were negated from this one act! Of course I was to blame for leading my family astray. The woman is always at fault … Of course they say that because they can “see” the “sinfulness”. Mark was reduced to a non-thinking man that could only follow his wife! And our adult children and son-in-law, well it wasn’t their fault, they had no choice but to follow when the mother fails. When in fact, it was all of us choosing to think for ourselves and make our own decisions!

Anyway, there were so many major controlling and insulting issues over the years (too many to count) that should have made us walk away many years ago, but this was the final straw. I was only wanting to help by ministering to the practical needs of my neighbors and surrounding communities. I guess only “sinner” EMT women can minister in this way. None of the church folks would refuse help from a “sinner” EMT woman if she showed up. Anyway, I could rant on and on over the “should haves and could haves” but the simple fact is, we finally did it. We resigned and all left the same night. It was the best decision we ever made. It’s sad to say, but no one from the district has tried to contact us to see how we are. Mark even tried to ask to meet with some of the district board to discuss his concerns and differences before he made the decision to leave…. no bites. It’s painful and hurts deeply to realize their acceptance or approval of us was predicated upon our compliance. In spite of Mark’s good standing throughout all his life in the UPC, no one thought him important enough to check on on him and his family, or even throw him a lifeline. The hateful way we were treated over the couple months before we chose to resign, is more than I can write here. The shunning by the ladies alone was heart wrenching and painful. I became an outcast. No one would speak to me at service, for the most part I was ignored. There is so much more I could add, but I’ll stop now.

I still sometimes have to vent as things surface, but to dwell on them and continue to be angry about them is not something I want to subject myself to. To do so (to me) would make me feel and appear to God as though I am unthankful for His deliverance from this bondage of legalism. Besides, it really only hurts me and not those that have hurt me. The hardships, the lies, the loss of our good UPC standing, the loss of a lifetime network of friends and family, the pain of rejection, the public shaming that I have experienced (verbally in very public places) and the shunning cannot be compared to the the grace, the freedom, the happiness and the joy we now experience in God! Our good financial name has not suffered in the least. God provided ways for us to earn a living that we had not foreseen and would not have foreseen, had we not taken that leap of faith. My income as an EMT doubled since last year and Mark received an increase as well as the opportunity to work overtime every week. We don’t have much but we have enough to pay the bills and we are much happier and at peace. God has provided what we needed. We will never again allow ourselves to be dependent on any church for any amount of income. We are much happier not feeling obliged to the church in any way and earning our own way.

Our family is so much closer and so much happier than we have ever been. No more tension and scrutiny in our home. No more attempting to make sure we are complying to what others think. No more dread of and/or arguing on Sunday mornings and evenings. We look forward to Sunday mornings and going to a free thinking church. We all made our own decisions as to where we wanted to attend after taking a break. And to our surprise, we all ended up at the same church (a community minded Church of God, that does not subscribe to organized religion) and we still gather for Sunday dinner at our house every week. And no evening service! We have time for rest and family. Imagine that! Wow, what freedom! … What peace! What joy! It brings Mark and I so much joy to watch our children and their families live life freely. We have acquired a daughter-in-law and a grandson since we left. What a comfort to know our grandchildren will not be tainted by the UPC’s destructiveness and control.

We are free to love God and love our neighbors as we read it and see it in His word. We no longer serve other men’s convictions. We are free to apply the Scriptures to our lives and work out our own salvation as His word states we are to do. We are FREE at last! Best decision EVER! We are so happy, I smile and have tears of joy when thinking about it …. which is often, indeed. We are truly happy at last. BEST decision EVER!

**********

Note from Lois: Some may be interested in also watching this thirteen minute video with Esther and Brian Henry, former United Pentecostal Church missionaries to Papua New Guinea. They were also pastors at a UPCI church in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin District of the UPCI and the District Superintendent at that time treated them very poorly. We also have a five part series about people where various people share about being harmed in the United Pentecostal Church.