Category: legalism | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Decades — kicked out, walked out, simply out

I realized tonight that I’m reaching two anniversaries, not just one. In December 2009 I walked out of my former church. But what I don’t often think about is that in 1999 I was being “sat down” and nearing a time when I’d be kicked out. Around this time 20 years ago I was begging God to let me stay in a very unhealthy, spiritually abusive church, and around 10 years ago I was walking out of another.

A lot has changed in 20 years. I am no longer afraid of not attending church. I rarely go. I’m no longer afraid of pastors’ disapproval, of hell, or of what a church will think of me. The fear that if the pastor disapproves he can prevent me not only from attending HIS church but others like it no longer bothers me because… well, really, why would I choose to go to an abusive church “like his” or attend a church where the pastor even thinks it IS his church? More than that, I no longer – and haven’t for some time – cringed every year in January and February, wondering what would happen THIS year, remembering that one… the one in 1999, then one where I was convinced I was going to hell because the pastor was abusive.

At the same time, I also no longer celebrate like I did in 1999, 2000 and the years following. The first few years, I had multiple Christmas trees, lights, music, movies… I wore myself out with it and that was probably a good thing. I needed to make that time positive in my mind. This year, though, I haven’t even decorated yet. My job changed a couple years ago and November and early December can be exhausting, but I also don’t need something to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have a need to make the season positive, because it is, whether I have no trees or four. (I also have a very destructive cat, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of decorations.)

It was hard. Every year gets easier. I should have left 20 years ago. Actually I should have left more than 20 years ago, because the man who kicked me out did a lot of damage, and not just to me. Looking back on it all from ten years or twenty, here are some things I know:

Though I would have run back to the abusive church if I’d known then where I’d be now if I left, I’m so glad I did leave.
Things were a whole lot worse in the church I walked out of than I ever knew when I left it.
I’ve met a whole lot of people with love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, meekness, and self-control whom Christians would condemn. These have become friends. They aren’t perfect, but they are accepting and they are considerate and respectful of others, and that’s encouraging.
The best way to witness to non-Christians may really not be telling people “I’m a Christian” repeatedly… actually that may be one of the worst ways to witness… it may push people away rather than make them more interested. Particularly if the one saying they’re a Christian doesn’t particularly act like one.
A whole lot of what I was taught was wrong… isn’t. As a matter of fact, some of what I was taught was wrong is really simply normal.

Leaving was hard. Especially being kicked out. At least walking out I had anger to motivate me and I could prepare myself. At least I chose my moment and I rejected them, not vice-versa. At least I had some supports in place when I walked out. I was also older and more aware of some things. It didn’t make it easy. Leaving is always hard. But staying would have been impossible.

Happy anniversaries to myself.

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Free: From Legalism to Grace Breaking Out of the United Pentecostal Church Book Giveaway

As with all of our giveaways, this is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

The true tragedy of this reality is many good people are honestly doing the very best they know how, but are tangled up in this religion. Many people I know are living a life of spiritual bondage with the purest intentions. They feel oppressed, but don’t know why. They are questioning things that maybe don’t feel right to them, dismissing it as their issue. Wanting to ask questions or even leave, but can’t because they fear losing relationships with loved ones or worse, having a reprobate mind and going to hell. This is why I cannot keep my mouth shut. They are the reason I want to share my story. – Jennifer Brewer

This is your chance to receive a new copy of Free: From Legalism to Grace Breaking Out of the United Pentecostal Church by Jennifer Brewer. One copy will be given away. The book was released in August 2019 and is the third memoir from 2019 that deals in part with the United Pentecostal Church. Available in paperback and Kindle, it is 124 pages and sells for $6.99 or $3.99 for the Kindle version. If you purchase the paperback, you can receive the Kindle for only 99 cents. Earlier this year we were able to give away three copies of the first UPCI related memoir from 2019, The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher’s Kid by Ronna Russell, and have a current giveaway in progress for Let’s Go to California: The Story of the Singing Holley Family by Margaret Toedy Duke.

The idea of leaving although appealing was daunting. I was acutely aware of how everyone would think about us. All of the people we knew and loved, including my family, would genuinely be concerned for our souls. They would feel we had left the “truth” and be bound for hell. They would view us as souls to be saved, their personal mission field. …From the beginning, we had wanted nothing more than to reaffirm our childhood beliefs by studying out God’s word. Instead, God guided our studies from the get-go and had shown us in indisputable ways the errors of our current doctrine.

This giveaway is a drawing and not a first come, first served giveaway. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on Saturday August 24 at 8pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers. Two copies of this book were previously given away in our support group on Facebook.

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Leaving Behind Performance Based Religion

The following is a guest post by John, a former member of the United Pentecostal Church.

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In my world and realm of connection of UPCI (and such like churches), I am noticing a trend. Now I realize this isn’t the same in all circles or regions, but it could be soon.

The once high standards are falling away. The outward standards are being let down, reinterpreted, not preached as much, and in some instances being done away with.

Some churches are allowing saints to go to theaters, sporting events, allow facial hair on men, allow hair coloring, allow hair trimming, allow some make-up, etc…

For someone that left an ultra conservative legalistic Oneness church, this makes it tempting to return to one of these. They can still enjoy the worship service and the friendships they have been accustomed to without as much condemnation or guilt.

I’m going to steal the analogy I heard one of my former pastors use, it’s like putting “lipstick on a pig.” When they remove old standards there are simply new ones that replace them that determine your salvation. The following phrase was often said in such liberal setting, “you can’t behave your way into heaven but you sure can misbehave your way into hell.” It is still performance based religion. Whether it’s your pastor or fellow members watching you to see if you dress or appear right, OR if they are simply watching now if you talk or act right, it’s still the same mindset!

This church culture may start to water down their so-called standards but they will still treat sin the same. Sure they may have more patience, but they will still see you as someone that needs to ‘perform’ the role of a Christian, as they define it, to be saved. They still expect you to ‘fake it until you make it.’ Renaming or redefining the standards doesn’t change the fact they are trying to earn the right to maintain their salvation and it is that mindset that oppressed every man and woman.

I took some time away from a group for about three months. I needed to silence voices from both sides of this spectrum to make sure my influence was that of genuine ‘truth.’ In that time, I have seen how horribly divisive some churches are, even outside of Oneness churches. If you choose to live with God, then do it genuinely, not to please man; do it genuinely, not in hopes to generate a feeling; do it genuinely, not to complete a series of ‘checklists;’ do it genuinely, so that your relationship with him is your own!

Even in the watered down UPCI churches it is still divisive. It is still their ‘Acts 2:38’ message that is the only way, and that ‘my way or the highway’ mentality is a bunch of garbage. For three months I had been a part of a non-denominational Trinitarian church, until I learned they believed that if someone didn’t fully believe the Trinity then they weren’t saved. When I learned this I got so sick to my stomach. It was no different than what I just left. It’s not only the overwhelming standards and micromanaging of lives (not to minimize the affect of this stuff in our healing), but it is that overriding thought process that says beyond ‘belief’ we (a church,) have additional aspects that must be followed. It is this divisiveness that destroys, that generates the judgment, that fuels the micromanaging, that turns the wheels of the performance based religion and oppressed people.

I say all this… I know many are atheist now, or agnostic, or believers but not church goers. For each category I respect and understand your decisions and this isn’t necessarily for you directly. But for those looking or attending a new church, be wise. Even in the liberal Apostolics, Protestants, and non-denominational churches, there are those that have a performance based religion. I’m convinced in such atmosphere you won’t grow. It will be the lipstick on a pig. The same mindset, just different ways of doing it. I’m convinced there are churches that truly allow you to live, to exist without such condemnation. There are churches that believe that God isn’t concerned with changing our outward behaviors, but rather doing a work on the inside, that, yes, will eventually affect our outward behaviors naturally in everyone’s own time, and it’s okay that everyone’s journey is different. I personally am thankful that I have finally found one.

I’ll end with this… I have learned that I am sickened, and dare I say that I think God is also sickened, by churches that are legalistic, regardless if UPCI, Apostolic, Protestant, Non-denominational, or even Catholic/Orthodox. We all came out of an extreme version of it; beware of the more subtle versions as well. I highly recommend that you don’t simply leave a church because it had the name UPCI, to another church simply because it’s name isn’t UPCI. Leave the performance based religion and enter into an actual joyful and liberating walk and journey with God!

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IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part 1)

Disappearing down the quiet trail, the morning breeze still saturated with the early dew, bright fluorescent lights shatter the darkness, illuminating the university track and field course, a mere hour before dawn. Jared’s strict regimen of daily work-outs and meticulous counting of proteins, calories and carbohydrates begins his marathon sprint to losing one hundred pounds by next school year. Because exercise and nutrition are vital to physical and mental health and stamina, a balanced strategy and program is imperative to ensuring the weight-watcher continues to maintain adequate sustenance without overexertion in order to develop a healthier lifestyle. This includes a baseline intake of calories, proteins, complex carbohydrates, potassium, electrolytes, vitamins, and the right form of cholesterol, all while burning adequate amounts of fat without consequentially destroying muscle and bone density. Without this guideline, the dieter creates a phenomena where the outside appears substantially healthier, but the inside is weaker and damaged from the extreme conditions imposed on the body. In like manner, the rigid music and dress standards of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches, imposed by pastors and by the congregants themselves for the sake of a healthier, well-nourished spiritual-life, are just like a bad diet plan.

While the outside seems to adjust by leaps and bounds, intricately constructed within the framework and silver-lining of legalism, the inside lacks true nurture and development, focusing rather on a performance-based relationship with Christ and ministry. Strict musical standards formulated around trepidation of crossing into a mystical “beat of the world” quickly creates repetitive and dry worship services, leaving church leaders and congregations horrified of potentially allowing the flesh to even minimally react in accordance with the moving of the Holy Spirit. For fear of causing a man to stumble in his walk with the Lord, women are shamed into over-covering their God’s given bodies, placing the burden of responsibility solely on the woman and other women around her to do anything necessary to prevent alluring the eye of a man in any manner. This in turn results in outdated, frumpy clothing, and limited jewelry or make-up coined as Biblical modesty. While this develops a culture of pride in fulfilling one’s duty towards modesty, a stark contrast that focuses on business attire promotes the facade of a mature spiritual walk in a vast quantity of churches, passing judgement on a man not wearing a suit and tie, or on a woman for not having her hair, make-up and jewelry fashioned in a way that is considered “presentable before the Lord.” Outfits and appearances, as well as songs and performance styles, are scrutinized to the fullest extent of Pharisaical law, creating a false sense of spirituality that not only justifies and covers sin, but neglects the true mental and emotional needs of the congregants and visitors to come.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I a Baptist?” is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

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Why Am I a Baptist?

Sitting cozily on my bookshelf at home is a recorded message entitled, “Why I Am a Baptist.” This common lesson is harrowed from pulpits across the country, stirring up the hearts of listeners in their pews. Shouts of “Amen!” and “Glory to God!” resound through the usually quiet buildings and halls of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. Through James Carroll’s The Trail of Blood and John T. Christian’s The History of the Baptists, young, independent, fundamental Baptists are taught the value of their Christian heritage: a remnant of believers of “like-precious faith,” called by various names throughout the centuries- Donatists, Anabaptists, Puritans, Separatists, etc.- all heinously persecuted for their stance in believer’s baptism.

This “trail of blood” or common chord is delicately traced back to the time of Christ. That notion, however, is as equivalently ludicrous as concluding that any person who often consumed rice is of Asian descent and culture, or that anyone who, wrapped his head in a turban is part of radical Islam. (Side-note: men that wear turbans are Sikhs, not Moslem, but that is beside the point.) Nevertheless, in order to begin looking at the mind-sets of the majority of IFB churches, one must begin with noting the baseline doctrine of Baptist churches, commonly coined, “The Baptist Distinctives,” as outlined in the following acrostic:

Bible as Soul Authority of Faith and Practice
Autonomy of the Local Church
Priesthood of Every Believer
Two Church Ordinances
Individual Soul Liberty
Saved Church Membership
Two Church Offices: Pastor and Deacons
Separation of Church and State

Growing up in strict IFB churches and attending a well-known IFB Bible college in the southeastern United States, my husband and I are both well-acquainted with the Baptist Distinctives, and, unfortunately, with the legalism and obligations. As our family has just recently left a once-balanced but now spiritually-abusive IFB church, we have been forced to re-evaluate our understanding of biblical expectations and what is considered healthy in a church for the protection of our family. As we consider the requirements for a church home, we are finding that most of those requirements are standards, not doctrine. Therefore, today, I want to pose the question, “Why AM I a Baptist?” In order to answer such a loaded question, we need to look at the standards and status quos of the majority of IFB churches that will be addressed in more detail within the following weeks:

Patriarchy in Church Polity and Home
Rigid Music and Dress Standards
Idolization of the Preacher and Absolute Power
Discouragement of Individual Thought Outside of Established Ideals.
Extreme Sensitivity to Natural Sexual Affection

Not exactly the typical Baptist acrostic, but this one seems to be more appropriate: P-R-I-D-E. Baptists take a dangerous level of pride in their Christian heritage, staunch standards, and convictions, claiming to be the only church that rightly divides the word of truth, condemning anyone who dares to disagree. Their arrogance creates a cult-like environment where questioning is only encouraged with the goal of conformity, instilling unity through fear within the congregants.

Why AM I a Baptist? I’m not so sure anymore, but this may be the start of my family leaving the IFB movement. I hope this series provides the information necessary for families seeking shelter from the abuse or just enough light to open the eyes of those still inside.

*Disclaimer* Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

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