Category: fear | Page 7 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Don’t dare ask questions!

In the sect that I was in until age 33, no questions were allowed to be asked that might threaten the tight religious control or their very narrow worldview. People of true and secure faith are not afraid of questions. But they were afraid. I was a naturally inquisitive and deep-thinking child. A true introvert. I had existential crisies – that was the type of anxious child I was. Therefore in this environment I grew more and more anxious and isolated because no adult would answer my questions, and they shamed me for even thinking them. I know now that the adults were afraid of my questions because they could not answer them or dare face their own doubts. Though they never admitted that they did not have answers. Some of the questions I had the courage to re-ask at about age 35, once I had left the control and the system of fear. Even then I didn’t get answers or an open dialogue. No conversation allowed.

Some examples of questions I would ask:
Where is heaven?
Why can we not adopt children from outside the sect? Why do you say that they are the devil’s children?
Why are we on this earth? What is the point of life?
How can Jesus hear me pray?
What will God do with hermaphrodites, who have both sexual organs? Will they burn in hell if they choose to be the sex that God didn’t intend?
If we will be in heaven with other Christians, then why cannot we socialize with them now?
Why does God only answer the prayers of the 1000 people in our particular group?
What about the books that never made it into the Bible?
Why can I not attend religious studies class at school? Why do I have to sit outside the classroom?
Why can I not attend the large school gatherings where a visiting pastor will say the Lord’s prayer? The other children in my class make fun of me for not believing in God, but I tell them that I do believe in God – which is why I cannot hear the Lord’s prayer being spoken by a pastor who doesn’t belong to my church. (I was very very confused about this one!)
If you think all Muslims will burn in the lake of fire eternally then why do you not attempt to evangelise to those Muslims you know? Do you not care that they will be tormented eternally?
Why would God, who is in essence love, create humans who he knows beforehand will spend eternity in hell? Why doesn’t he just stop them being born?
How do I know Christianity is true? What evidence is there?

I understand that many adults don’t have all the answers to these questions – I don’t either – but it was their reaction that was shaming. I was “bad” for asking. I was “bad” for having a mind of my own, for thinking critically. They didn’t say “oh, I’m not really sure” and discuss various options and answers, they blushed, and scoffed, and grunted, and left the room.

I lived with a deep shame until my late thirties because I thought there was something wrong with me for asking these questions. I had existential depression. I didn’t want to be alive. I was “bad”. Something was gravely wrong with me. I learned to be quiet and not ask questions. To follow blindly and to conform in silence.

About 6 months after I left the sect I had the courage to turn on the Christian radio station in our city (radio was Satan’s tool) and there was somebody doing a talk show from a Christian university who said that it is normal for people in their teens and twenties to question the faith of their parents and ask questions. He said they have counselors to help with this and to walk through all kinds of questions. I was driving on the highway at the time and almost swerved my vehicle in shock, and disbelief, and relief – I wasn’t a monster after all! A huge weight lifted from my shoulders. The lie that I was deeply defective started to subside. Often the parents’ shame and fear become the child’s and so the cycle continues. What a waste.

Why would God give us minds that are capable of thinking and reasoning if we are supposed to be “robots” who follow blindly and take everything at face value? Even when it goes against our God-given conscience? In fact, I think that doubt is a healthy part of faith – and can very often lead us into a deeper and more genuine faith. Actually, it was my keen and analytical mind that got me out of the sect – while all of my family members remain in – their refusal to entertain my questions didn’t work in the long run! I’m free!

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Sheep

The thing that baffles me most about cults is the level of mind control going on and how as humans we can so easily be turned into compliant “sheep”. In the past I have watched YouTube videos and TED talks about how brainwashing works in the mechanics of the brain. It is fascinating. Once you’ve “woken up” it seems so obvious that the “Kool-Aid” that your friends and family – still in the cult – are drinking is obviously hogwash, but I guess I was once in their position. Like them, I was too terrified that my whole reality would come crumbling down to look at the glaring discrepancies and obvious hypocrisy. Too afraid of rejection and judgement. So I stayed in my pitiful fog of denial and cognitive dissonance.

As human beings we need connection, relationships, closeness, community, love, family, respect, etc. and when all of that is threatened – because we are considering that “the truth” maybe isn’t true after all – the stakes are just far too high. To follow the true Jesus Christ would cost all of that, because we’ll be shunned and excluded if we leave. It took me being shunned while *still in* the sect to wake up! It took a full blown mental breakdown. I think soul-shattering, extreme pain from within (bullying, shunning, public shaming, etc) is what wakes many people up. Because extreme pain usually causes us to ask existential questions and causes us to wonder what the point of it all is. The rest of my family are still in the sect. I am the only one out. Sometimes I wish that they’d experience something soul-shattering so that they’d wake up from their fog, but then I immediately feel guilty for thinking that way. Plus, I’ve witnessed some people experience heart-wrenching life events and they don’t wake up. The spirit of religion had such a strong hold on them that even tragedy didn’t push them to seek a relationship with God (versus empty rules and rituals). Thank God that you and I woke up!! It is truly a miracle.

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Healing

The pain is real. The journey to healing is real. It’s long and at times feels like it is never-ending. But every year when I look back over the previous year I see the progress that has been made – rebuilding my life. It’s been almost six years since I left. Which sounds like a long time, but it isn’t really when I consider that I was born into the sect and left when I was 33 years old. I’ll have been out of that toxic church system for half of my life when I turn 67 years of age!! That sounds awful and depressing.

I’m currently 39 years old. Looking at it this way makes me realize that it is okay that I still have a long way to go on my healing journey. I’ve been out six years, but I was in for 33 years (plus the 9 months in the womb!). I’ve been free from extreme control for only 15% of my life. Wow. In that 33 years I wasted approximately 9,000 hours sitting listening to mind-boggling theological discussions spoken in Shakespearean English – that I never understood. None of it brought me close to God.

Last night my new husband and I went to a get-together with his work colleagues. It is at events like these that I realize that I still feel separate. This feeling lessens with each passing year, but it is still there. It gives me social anxiety because growing up in isolation from “worldly” people means that I didn’t learn normal social skills or the ability to relate to and interact with people from all walks of life. It has been scary and tiring to learn these skills in my thirties. I look normal on the outside now, and can put on a good front, but underneath I still feel odd, and different, and like I don’t belong.

It is to be expected because for 33 years of my life I was told, and therefore believed, that I was part of a small group of elite Christians who were God’s chosen people. The only people to whom He came; the only ones with the “truth;” the only ones worthy of true fellowship; the only ones who had interpreted the Bible correctly. All other Christians and non-Christians were misled by Satan, and were to be feared. Physical separation had to be maintained at all costs so that we were not infected by their evil (yes, the words “infected” and “evil” were actually used). We were not allowed to dress like the world, watch TV like the world, watch movies like the world, listen to the radio like the world, have a library card like the world, live in a condo building like the world, be a part of a professional association like the world, etc… I used to stand at my bedroom window when I was about ten years old and look out at the dangerous world with fear and wonder what it was like to be in Satan’s clutches and wonder why God chose us for such special “light” and “revelation.” But deep, deep, down in my core I was jealous of the freedom that “worldlies” had.

Therefore, there is no wonder that I still struggle with socializing with people I don’t know, especially on mass. No wonder I escape to the washroom every hour or so just so I can breathe deeply and collect myself. To add to the awkward feeling is the fact that I have never watched The Simpsons, haven’t heard most of the popular music that was released more than six years ago, never went to University, have never owned a TV – so I sometimes look ignorant because I lack basic knowledge about these everyday things.

Healing takes time. It takes gaining self-esteem, establishing self-concept, establishing a new world view, finding a new community, making new friends, counting what was lost, processing the anger, trying new things, experimenting with clothes and hobbies, binge-watching TV shows from the 90’s on NetFlix, grieving what was lost, grieving the years that were wasted, grieving your old identity that wasn’t really you, and grieving for the family members who are still in a deep state of cognitive dissonance and brainwashing. It takes creating a new identity. It takes finding the real person beneath all the layers of conditioning and slavery – fear, guilt, shame, must-do, have-to. It takes courage to seek a relationship with God, when all you knew was rituals and rules. When He was very scary and full of disgust.

Healing can’t be rushed. It’s a process. Respect it. Honor it. The path is different for everyone. There is hope – peace and joy can be found on the journey. Celebrate the work-in-progress You.

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Five Different Experiences…One Result Pt 4

Part 4 of 4, continued from here.

In Acts 10:44-48 we find the conversion of Gentiles with Cornelius, a centurion of the Italian Regiment. He was a devout man and feared God with all his household and prayed regularly and gave alms. This is another miraculous conversion since Cornelius and Peter were visited by an angel prior to Cornelius sending for Peter and he went as requested and while Peter preached, the Holy Spirit fell upon all who heard the word.

Peter’s crew were astonished as they heard them speak in tongues and glorify God. Then Peter commanded them to be baptized in the name of the Lord. (Acts 10:45-48)

Cornelius and his household’s conversion:
1. Faith in Jesus and
2. Reception of Holy Spirit (speaking in tongues)
3. Water baptism in the name of the Lord. (MacDonald, William p.1588)

A final group of believers, that was made up of disciples of John the Baptist conversion, was noted in Acts 19:1-7.

Paul was passing through the upper regions, came to Ephesus and found some of John the Baptists disciples. He asked if they had received the Holy Spirit since they believed. They replied that they hadn’t heard about the Holy Spirit. Paul told them that John baptized unto repentance, saying to believe on Him who would come after him, that is Christ Jesus. When they heard this they were re-baptized in the name of the Lord Jesus (they were re-baptized to show they were now disciples of Jesus) and when Paul laid hands on them, they received the Holy Spirit and they spoke in other tongues and prophesied (Acts 19:1-7).

The conversion of John the Baptist’s disciples:
1. They believed
2. They were re-baptized (in Jesus’ name)
3. The Apostle Paul laid hands on them
4. They received the Holy Spirit (speaking in tongues) (MacDonald, William p.1588)

So does this mean there are five ways of salvation? Of course not, salvation is and always will be on the basis of faith in the Lord Jesus and I think that during the early church transition, God varied the events connected with the recipients of that time. (MacDonald, William p.1587).

Throughout the book of Acts every baptism was in the name of Jesus or in the name of the Lord. Except for the Ethiopian Eunuch, there was nothing spoken when Phillip baptized him. So does this void Matthew 28:19? Not necessarily, this scripture is given when Jesus was telling the disciples that all power in heaven and earth had been given to him. He had all authority. Thereby baptizing in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit is just another way of recognizing that Jesus has all authority. This is one of those mysteries that we accept on faith.

In Matthew 28:19, Christians are identifying with the name (singular) of God as their Father, Jesus as the Son and the Holy Spirit who comes to dwell inside the believer to lead and guide. Many call this the Trinity, meaning 3 persons. But Christians identify themselves with a Triune God with one name but three essences or personalities. (MacDonald, p. 1313)

Today, God is continuing to call out a people for his name from the Gentiles (Acts:15:14). Some denominations try to ‘add’ to the Gospel and how to be saved, requiring heavy burdens to be carried, strict dress codes and putting the law back into play, ignoring the fact that Jesus stated his yoke is easy and his burden is light. While others try to ‘take away’ from the Gospel and not do enough, just so happy-clappy and not preaching or teaching the words of Christ. There is always balance and moderation with God through his grace.

Therefore, what should be the order for today? I think the order for today is the same as it was for Cornelius and that is found in Acts 10:44-48:

1. They heard the word and believed with faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior
2. Reception of Holy Spirit (some may speak in tongues or not)
3. Water baptism (in Jesus name or name of Father, Son, Holy Spirit) as an outward sign of being committed to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. But baptism does not save you! It is just an outward sign to all men that you are committed to Jesus.

“This is the order of events that prevails for Jew and Gentile alike in this dispensation, when God is calling out a people for His name.” (MacDonald, William p. 1614)

To the United Pentecostal Church, who like to put heavy burdens on their people and teach and preach using fear tactics, this way is much too easy. You need to be holy because God is holy, so they have holiness dress standards for their women to follow because she causes men to sin. She won’t be saved if she doesn’t follow them. And the men need to stand up and be a man and take the reigns of the marriage and be the boss of his family and enforcing the rules to his wife and children. Chaining them in bondage until they can’t wait to escape. It sounds unreal but I tell you this goes on in many UPC churches as well as other Oneness groups. If the way of salvation is easy, these churches will make it hard. But it’s not hard and Jesus paid the price on the cross for our salvation! I was under that Pentecostal bondage and abuse until I finally got myself out of it. I finally found true freedom in my faith in Jesus Christ. That is why it’s called Amazing Grace.

Note: The majority of what is included in this part comes from the Believer’s Bible Commentary by William MacDonald.

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A Time To Heal – A Time To Build Up

Part Two of Two Part Series

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
‭‭…..“A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up;”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1,3‬ ‭NKJV‬

This is my story of healing my heart and soul and rebuilding my mind and emotions….

For me recovering from spiritual abuse was very personal and private. I knew I needed healing and I needed to repair my relationship with God, which was my first priority. The problem was I didn’t know how to begin. So I started working on developing my relationship with God through conversations with God. To me this was more than just prayer like I had done in the past, this was actual conversation and telling Him about everything that I feared, my anxieties, my anger and I didn’t hold back anything. Then I would spend time in reflection, trying to hear his voice, sitting quietly outside on my deck looking at my gardens and letting his nature calm my soul and emotions, then I turned to scriptures and just began reading and meditating on his word. I felt like I was in that place where God was telling me to “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) .

I also read books: False Holiness Standards, Healing Spiritual Abuse, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, and a few more but I can’t remember their titles. I surfed the internet reading all I could find on the subject and joining support groups. I was not going to a church and had not attended a service in over six months so the guilt was very high. Was it guilt from not attending service or was it the guilt and anxiety because I was enjoying not going?

My daughter and I had tried a couple other United Pentecostal churches but there was nothing there but dried up bones and that was six months ago. I knew I was not going back to the UPC. Been there, done that. But I was still trapped in their legalism of dress and hair, simply because that’s all I knew and the only clothes I had. It had been 32 years that I had been in the UPC. I no longer needed to dress this way but I didn’t know how to take that first step to change and that seemed to be the hardest step to take. Although my daughter wasn’t having any trouble giving up standards and she seemed genuinely happy as she searched for a church. She kept saying, Mom, all I want us to be are normal Christians.

Normal was good I thought, problem was I didn’t know what normal was. I did receive a few emails from my former church friends, asking why I left and I should come back and repent and not backslide and blah, blah, blah. I didn’t respond and I unfriended them because I didn’t need the distraction. It wasn’t like I was friendless; I had a lot of good friends at work, just nobody I could talk to about why I left my church and religion.

One of the first things I did was purchase a new Bible, a NKJV, and began to study it with an open heart and mind. I wanted my quest in God’s word pure and fresh so I could see His grace. It was like the word came alive to me and the first scripture I read was: “I am the LORD, that is My name; And My glory I will not give to another, Nor My praise to carved images. Behold, the former things have come to pass, And new things I declare; Before they spring forth I tell you of them.” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭42:8-9‬ ‭NKJV‬‬) This gave me a lot of hope that I was still in His will by leaving and searching for truth.

My daughter found a friend, Anita, from Youth Camp online and she explained that we were looking for a church that was “normal” and Anita invited us to visit Crosspoint Church, which was where she went after leaving the UPC. So on Palm Sunday we went and sat in the back row by the door, just in case things got hairy. But from the first beat of the music I could feel the strong spirit of God in a good and loving way; not in a frenzied emotional way. My daughter and I cried all through the service.

When we got in the car to leave, I remember my daughter saying. “Mom did you notice how happy and friendly everybody was?” I told her yes, but it could be a fluke because nobody I knew was that happy about their salvation. Although I saw how Anita was and she was very happy. So we decided to visit again the next Sunday on Easter and bring my granddaughters. The next Sunday was a repeat of the Sunday before and we decided to give it a try and see if this could be our church.

The Sunday following Easter, the church had a ministry fair and I signed up for a ministry called Thyme In A Garden and I registered for a summer ladies bible study to be held in a home close to me. Now I was really putting myself out there because I didn’t know anybody except the associate pastor and his wife and that was only because I grew up with them and my daughters friend Anita.

I’m very thankful for Dave and Ronda because of their wise council to me and the help and love they showed to me during this time. They also had made the same journey I was making. I remember one Wednesday night prayer meeting they both came and prayed for me. None of that grabbing my arms and spitting in my face or yelling in my ears type of praying. They simply put their hands on my shoulders and asked for God to lead and guide me down the right pathway.

After service I asked Ronda how did she overcome the dress code of the UPC? She just smiled and told me I would know when it was time to let go of the past and she assured me when I got rid of the trappings of dress and released the vestiges of legalism, then there would be nothing between God and me except for grace. She said his word would come alive to me like never before because I could no longer hide behind a facade of self righteousness.

A few weeks later I went to my first meeting to Thyme in the Garden and I was a nervous wreck about going into a place I didn’t know. But in I walked and said Hi, I’m Cindy. I was greeted so warmly and friendly by all the ladies and they accepted me right in and I’m still going 6 years later. I met the best group of Christian women that day and they prayed for me after I told them I just left the UPC.

Being a former pastors wife, you know a thing or two about people and of course the shunning and shaming you get when you leave a church. But my biggest shock came from one friend from UPC, we’d been friends for 30 years and I had visited many times since my divorce. She was emailing me at work and I was answering her and I told her that I was going to a new church. She asked me where and I told her and I guess she looked it up online and literally became a wild woman telling me I was backslid if I could go someplace that didn’t teach standards and now I was going to be a reprobate.

Then she finished by telling me we could no longer be friends because we have nothing in common anymore. I couldn’t believe it just five minutes prior to telling her where I was going to church we were chatting away. Now we had nothing in common? I knew I was going to lose friends but I never imagined her. We haven’t spoken since that day and she, along with her family, unfriended me on Facebook. The pain of it still hurts at times but God has given me more friends than I can count now. During this time, I continued to search scripture for reassurance and God never fails:

Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert. (Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬ ‭NKJV)‬‬

I held on to his promises because I was in uncharted waters.

I again showed up at the home where the summer woman’s Bible study was being done and again God put me in touch with Steve and Helen, former UPC Pastor and wife, who left the organization years ago. God knew exactly who to put me in touch with. I don’t know how many times I’ve called upon them to calm my fears and doubts.

“Who will rise up for me against the evildoers? Who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity? Unless the LORD had been my help, My soul would soon have settled in silence. If I say, “My foot slips,” Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:16-19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Steve and Helen prayed for me and with me, gave me scriptures to read and taught me about healing and forgiveness. I told them I wanted to start over as a brand new Christian and they even signed up to take a new Christian Bible study with me.

I started feeling more at peace every time I went to church and finally I felt the freedom to get rid of the old clothes and buy new. My daughter and I had fun shopping and there wasn’t a dress or skirt purchased. My daughter was getting ready to graduate from Beauty School, so I was her model to demonstrate a hair cut. I donated 24 inches of hair to Locks of Love and felt so light and free. I was her model for color demo and she made me a beautiful blonde. I hadn’t felt pretty since my wedding day until that day. I sat and looked in the mirror and cried.

I took the church’s Welcome to the Family class, which is a four week course that explained the history of the church, their beliefs, their staff and what was expected from a new member. Again I had to brace myself against the anxiety, but my daughter took it with me so I wasn’t totally alone. During the first class we found out the church came out of the United Pentecostal Church about 30 years ago and my pastor was also former UPC and that explained a lot of the teaching. It wasn’t legalism at all, it was grace and mercy. It was Christ and him crucified. It was no big “I”s and little “U”s. But it was salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. It was humility and servitude and living within your means. There are no thrones on the platform, the ministers sit with the congregation. They teach commitment, connection and contribution. Everybody dresses casual so all that come feels comfortable. They were answering all my questions one by one. It was amazing and wonderful all at once. I finally felt at home, that I was in a safe place and I had a place where people cared and prayed and loved each other.

My final confirmation that I was in the right place for me came in September at our ladies retreat. My pastors wife wanted all of us to go outside and enjoy nature alone with God and our Bibles. I remember sitting at a small table looking over the lake and asking God one more time, is this the place you want me to be? He replied with his word: “You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ “Behold, all those who were incensed against you Shall be ashamed and disgraced; They shall be as nothing, And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them— Those who contended with you. Those who war against you Shall be as nothing, As a nonexistent thing. For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:9-13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬) With tears streaming down, I lifted up my hands and praised him for always being with me and leading me out of darkness into his marvelous light.

That was six years ago and do I still have anxiety from the past? Yes I do and I still have fear from time to time. And yes I suffered with nightmares for several months, but I put my trust in God and he never failed me.

Last year I was reconnected to a dear friend from the church we had pastored and we’d been apart 18 years, but our friendship is closer now than ever before. She has been delivered from legalism and spiritual abuse.

A few months ago I was able to call my ex-husband and forgive him for everything and he started crying and saying he was sorry for what he did. We talked for over an hour about our children and grandchildren.

My daughter met a really nice man and they were married two years ago. She has 3 girls and he has 2 girls, so now I’ve been blessed with 5 beautiful granddaughters.

Has it all been a bed of roses? No it’s not, life is still life. I lost my father and step mother within two days of each other through cancer and pneumonia in October 2011. My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and is in stage 5-6 of the 7 stages. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2011 and had to retire in 2016. And I lost a dear uncle to cancer last year (2016). But through all the trouble and tribulations, God has always been there with a comforting word and prayers, visits and ministering from my church friends helped us get through those tough times. There’s been good news, too. My aunt and cousin have accepted the Lord into their hearts and attend church with me. I helped a dear friend escape from my previous church and she is healing and attending Crosspoint, along with her grown children, who were also spiritually abused and hurt. My dear mama has also accepted the Lord.

Yes, when you’ve been in an abusive church for any length of time, things are killed in your heart and soul and things are broken down in your mind and emotions. Eventually you become spiritually crippled and emotionally damaged.

But the Lord gives us a time to heal and a time to build back up. It does take time and patience and a renewed walk with Jesus and the right church and people. And a whole lot of trust in God. It wasn’t easy and it has taken me six years to get this far, but with God all things are possible.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. ‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭5:17-19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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