Category: recovery | Page 5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3

Triggers

Another aspect of of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one is experiencing triggers. A trigger is when something happening now takes you back to another time, bringing with it an overreaction to what is happening presently. You could experience great fear, sadness, a panic attack or find yourself disassociating. Let look at an example.

You are visiting a new church and a certain song is sung, one that you were used to hearing at the unhealthy church. Maybe the pastor at one time chastised you in front of everyone after that song had been played. Hearing it now, even though that pastor is nowhere around, triggers that memory. Your hands may start to sweat and you may start to shake. You may become fearful and want to run out of the church. All this is happening because of the memory this song triggered.

Triggers can happen anywhere, not just in a church setting. Since we are talking about finding a new church, the emphasis in this blog is on it happening while at a church service. This can hinder a person from looking for a new church, especially when they find themselves triggered in numerous ways.

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Landau Tobias

Educating yourself about triggers will help you to better cope with them. Be patient with yourself and understand you are not going crazy. While some will not experience them because their former experience was ‘mild,’ a great many people do. Triggers also happen to those who have experienced other types of traumatic events, such as being in combat or surviving a natural disaster.

Though triggers can be most unpleasant, you can learn to deal with them. Just understanding why they occur can be a huge help. Their frequency and intensity should decrease over time and for many people they will stop. In Captive Hearts, Captive Minds the authors speak of disarming triggers and gave the following example on page 113:

Monica R. was born into a cult that used flowers as a symbol for silence and death. A gift of flowers, even a greeting card with flowers, especially roses, represented a dire warning. After leaving the cult, Monica avoided anything depicting flowers. Her apartment even lacked green plants. As she began working through her beliefs in therapy, she remembered an old medicine woman who had befriended her in time of need who used plants, especially aloe leaves, for healing. A piece of the leaf could be torn off and the sap used to reduce the pain of minor burns and insect bites. Monica bought an aloe plant.

Next, she tried tomato plants. The meaning of flowers was changed as the tomato flowers led to tomatoes, her favorite vegetable. Not long after, she was able to bring nonflowering plants into her home and, finally, flowering ones. This change took place over a period of several months. Now, years later, Monica has a garden with roses, annuals, and perennials and she is able to enjoy their beauty without being constantly afraid.

A trigger could be a song, seeing how people worship, or it may be the tone in the pastor’s voice. If he sounds a little like your former pastor, you may have a difficult time hearing anything said. If he looks at you, raises his voice, sounds angry, or even does the ‘uh’ at the end of words like some ministers make themselves do, you could be reminded of an unpleasant experience from your former church. You could be triggered by the way they ask for money or how a song is repeated over and over. A passage that was used to create fear in people may be quoted and set off a trigger. There are any number of issues which can cause a trigger and it varies from person to person. Two people from the same unhealthy church may not have the same triggers.

If you experience these in your quest for a new church, examine what happened and see if it is a warning that this church is unhealthy or if it is nothing more than a trigger. If it is the latter, you should be safe in trying the church again. But if you are triggered too often or continuously over the same thing in various churches, it would probably be best for you to take a break. There is no sense in pushing yourself in this area if the triggers are that strong and frequent. Allow yourself some breathing room and slowly try again at some point in the future. In Traumatized by Religious Abuse, the author shares:

In the aftermath of religious abuse, most survivors experience a tremendous sense of confusion. Places, people, situations, events, even seemingly small aspects of religion- words, articles of clothing, books- that once represented safety and comfort suddenly trigger responses that are difficult to understand or integrate. Some survivors long so much for the things they once had that they put themselves directly in the path of triggers they aren’t ready to face. While we would never tell Veteran Dave to live next to a shooting range, survivors of religious abuse might feel compelled to seek out those very things that trigger traumatic responses for them. Whether out of a sense of obligation, obedience, mandates from other people or the institution, or just a desire to recapture the good things associated with faith practices in general, survivors of religious abuse sometimes jump out of the frying pan right into the fire and wonder why they still feel burned.

Some people need to attend a church that is quite opposite of the one they exited because of triggers. You do what you need to do for your health. It doesn’t matter what those from your former unhealthy church might say, or what ignorant people may say who are clueless about spiritual abuse.

Another area of difficulty can be your concentration. You may find your mind wandering off in a service and also when you try to read. This is also very normal. Should you find yourself not listening to what is being taught or unable to focus on reading something from the Bible (as well as other books), understand that this happens. At the same time, when it comes to the service, check yourself to see if it is an overall difficulty with concentrating or if the minister isn’t providing anything edifying and that is what is causing your inattention.

This is a link to an article about triggers that some may find helpful. There is much information available and I encourage you to educate yourself so you are better equipped to deal with them.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

(See Part One) Let’s further address the matter of finding a new church after you have been involved in an unhealthy one. As I have shared, this can be a daunting task for many and the reasons are varied.

Today I would like to address getting out of your comfort zone. For those who came from places that emphasized outward standards, it can be difficult for some to visit a church that does not uphold these. People will be seen in casual clothing, maybe even shorts. Women may be seen with cut hair, make-up, pants and jewelry. Men may have facial hair and not be dressed in suits or white shirts. Their hair may be past the collar.

When one is used to seeing people dressed differently, it can be a shock to see otherwise. It can be so distracting that they cannot concentrate on the message or worship. They may find themselves judging people, especially those on the platform. They may catch themselves thinking, “How could the pastor dress casually? And the worship leader has on pants. Look at the women in the choir with all that make-up and jewelry!”

To those who have never experienced being in a performance based church, these thoughts can appear absurd and really off-the-wall. They do not understand how deep these teachings run, how fear-filled they are, and how in someone’s mind, the salvation of a person can rest or fall on adhering to them.

Even those who have started to see that these standard teachings are in error may have difficulty. Some had been ‘police’ in their former churches, persuaded by leadership, or themselves, to run and report to the pastor when people were seen breaking these rules. Once a person is past this mindset and has sorted through the teachings, they often are able to look back and laugh at how they were reacting, but at the time it is no laughing matter. Here are some thoughts that might help you when grappling with this.

The first is the absolute need to spend some time in the Bible and search out for yourself what, if anything, it actually teaches on these standards. Learn to read the passages in their proper context and check to be sure you are not using incorrect word meanings, as unhealthy churches often attribute false meanings to words. Consider what all, or the whole, of the Bible has to say on a subject. Once you see for yourself and are assured in your heart about what is truly taught, the fear and the difficulty seeing others dressed differently should fade and vanish.

Second, many of these unhealthy churches often point to the past. Keep to the ‘old paths’ they may shout, but the paths they speak of are from their history or view of things and not what is mentioned in the Bible. Others may proclaim that this is how it’s been done it for decades. As you have time, look into the actual history of your group and see how things really were years ago. You may be surprised to find people with jewelry and cut hair, for instance. Even ‘big names.’ But don’t get too caught up in the history aspect as it really doesn’t matter what some in your former organization, or even in your country, did years ago. Those things don’t have any relevance to how you should dress today.

Third, when you visit a church where people dress differently, remember why you are there. Are you there to police or judge others in attendance? Or are you there to hear something helpful and to be encouraged and edified? How others are dressing is none of your business- you don’t even know the people. They answer to God alone, just as you do.

While there might be some in attendance who may, in your view, be dressed inappropriately, remember that everyone has their own individual walk with God. Perhaps that person doesn’t have other clothing to wear. Perhaps God is helping them with something much more important than how they are dressing. And if they feel free to attend like that, it is a good thing. They obviously desire to be with other believers. They don’t need people passing judgment on them while they learn of God and grow in their relationship. If any changes are needed, the Holy Spirit is more than able to speak to them.

Some who leave such churches continue to keep all or some of the rules they were taught and that is perfectly fine and they are free to do so. They might yet believe in the teachings, it may be their personal preference, or they may have done things that way for so long, they simply do not wish to change. At the same time, others are also free to make changes as they see fit. While some might go overboard at first, they will find their balance. And what will be one person’s balance may be another person’s overboard. In whatever you do, be fully persuaded in their own mind and don’t go against your conscience.

Understand that it can be difficult to be in a church setting where people look different from what you are used to. That is normal. It will get better. If you will keep in mind the things I shared, it will make the transition much easier.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1

For those who have left an unhealthy church, it can a daunting task to find a new one as several factors may come into play. Let’s start with some brief things to consider:

Your salvation or standing with God is not based upon church attendance.
You never have to officially join a church & become a member.
You are free to change churches again, if a new one you started to settle into is no longer a good fit for you.
Running to a new church and joining without taking the time to check it out and find out what they believe, could take you from one frying pan into another.
You limit yourself in finding a healthy place to attend by not considering churches that differ from your former one.
You are not a church hopper by taking your time and trying various churches to feel out what would be best for you at this time.
Some people need to stay away from church for awhile in order to rest, heal and sort through teachings and issues.

In unhealthy churches, a person may be taught that when they leave a church/group, they are leaving God. They may have in their head that they must quickly become part of another church in order to have a ‘covering.’ They may feel they must find another church just like their former one, but one that is without the bad aspects, such as standards. They might believe that God is against them due to being taught one must remain where they were ‘born’ or ‘planted.’ These are just some of the issues that the former member may face. It often isn’t easy for them and people who have never experienced spiritual abuse will not be able to relate.

Your walk with God is never based upon church attendance, nor the name of the church you might attend. God relates with believers on a one on one basis. While he could also relate as a whole to a group of believers, one’s salvation or standing with God is not connected to such. A believer’s walk with God is 24/7 and not simply on Sunday or one day midweek or only when you are inside a church building. If you have a relationship with God, then leaving a church will not have any bearing on it, despite what abusive ministers may have claimed.

Some people may hesitate trying out a new church because they feel they must become a member. This is not true. One never has to officially join a church, though some of them may limit your involvement if you don’t. Should you do so and later decide to go to a different church, you are free to do that. Church attendance in a healthy church is different than what you may have experienced. They don’t act like you belong to them and they want you to be spiritually well. Should that mean going to another church, they will send you off with their blessings. You can have a positive experience without ever becoming an official member.

I have observed many things since starting to help people in the 1990s. Sometimes the person feels they must find another church to attend right away. These people can end up in yet another unhealthy church. One does nothing wrong when they take their time, looking into how a church is operated, how leadership relates to everyone and what is taught. You usually have to go several times and to different services and functions in order to get a good feel for what a church is like. Even then, some unhealthy churches are very good at hiding how they really are until after you have joined and immersed yourself into it.

Some need space after leaving and they desire to stay away from any church so that they can understand what happened to them and unravel some of the teachings. One’s foundation may have crumbled and everything may feel shaky. Yet others are so shell-shocked from their abusive church that they cannot fathom attempting to visit a new one, but given some time and space will do so in the future. Some will want nothing to do with churches ever again. Others go the route of a home church. A person needs to feel out what is right for them at this time. Their preference may later change and guess what- that is perfectly fine. During their healing time, people may need something different for awhile. Those who have exited unhealthy churches don’t need to be pressured or berated because they do not immediately start attending another church.

The last thing I want to touch on today is that one can limit themselves by ruling out entire groups of churches without ever trying one. People who have left certain types of churches may grapple with thoughts of other churches being dead, dull, boring and without God’s Spirit present. Besides the emotionalism you may be used to, learn to see God in the stillness, too. Isn’t that where Elijah found God on the mountain? Wrong information about a group may have been instilled in people by their former pastor. These things are often based on a faulty perception due to what was taught in the unhealthy church. God can move anywhere. He isn’t bound by a church name or group. Where two or three are gathered together in the name of Jesus, he IS there.

Some pastors teach that every other church in the area, including others with similar beliefs, are trash cans and to be avoided at all costs. Think about this… The unhealthy pastor wants to keep you coming to that church. You give money that lines his pockets. You probably labor there in some way, too, and don’t get paid. By claiming that there is nowhere else to go in the area, it keeps people confined to that church, or should they be brave enough to leave, they won’t go elsewhere because they still believe the fear laced lies.

What you may have been told about all other churches is not true. There are good, healthy churches outside of your former church or group. God won’t cut you off or leave you behind should you try attending them. (My former pastor said that if we were in a Trinitarian church when the rapture took place, we’d be left behind. What a lie!)

Finding another church is more complex than the few thoughts in this post, but hopefully I have been able to share something that will help. Other issues will be addressed in subsequent articles.

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Decades — kicked out, walked out, simply out

I realized tonight that I’m reaching two anniversaries, not just one. In December 2009 I walked out of my former church. But what I don’t often think about is that in 1999 I was being “sat down” and nearing a time when I’d be kicked out. Around this time 20 years ago I was begging God to let me stay in a very unhealthy, spiritually abusive church, and around 10 years ago I was walking out of another.

A lot has changed in 20 years. I am no longer afraid of not attending church. I rarely go. I’m no longer afraid of pastors’ disapproval, of hell, or of what a church will think of me. The fear that if the pastor disapproves he can prevent me not only from attending HIS church but others like it no longer bothers me because… well, really, why would I choose to go to an abusive church “like his” or attend a church where the pastor even thinks it IS his church? More than that, I no longer – and haven’t for some time – cringed every year in January and February, wondering what would happen THIS year, remembering that one… the one in 1999, then one where I was convinced I was going to hell because the pastor was abusive.

At the same time, I also no longer celebrate like I did in 1999, 2000 and the years following. The first few years, I had multiple Christmas trees, lights, music, movies… I wore myself out with it and that was probably a good thing. I needed to make that time positive in my mind. This year, though, I haven’t even decorated yet. My job changed a couple years ago and November and early December can be exhausting, but I also don’t need something to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have a need to make the season positive, because it is, whether I have no trees or four. (I also have a very destructive cat, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of decorations.)

It was hard. Every year gets easier. I should have left 20 years ago. Actually I should have left more than 20 years ago, because the man who kicked me out did a lot of damage, and not just to me. Looking back on it all from ten years or twenty, here are some things I know:

Though I would have run back to the abusive church if I’d known then where I’d be now if I left, I’m so glad I did leave.
Things were a whole lot worse in the church I walked out of than I ever knew when I left it.
I’ve met a whole lot of people with love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, meekness, and self-control whom Christians would condemn. These have become friends. They aren’t perfect, but they are accepting and they are considerate and respectful of others, and that’s encouraging.
The best way to witness to non-Christians may really not be telling people “I’m a Christian” repeatedly… actually that may be one of the worst ways to witness… it may push people away rather than make them more interested. Particularly if the one saying they’re a Christian doesn’t particularly act like one.
A whole lot of what I was taught was wrong… isn’t. As a matter of fact, some of what I was taught was wrong is really simply normal.

Leaving was hard. Especially being kicked out. At least walking out I had anger to motivate me and I could prepare myself. At least I chose my moment and I rejected them, not vice-versa. At least I had some supports in place when I walked out. I was also older and more aware of some things. It didn’t make it easy. Leaving is always hard. But staying would have been impossible.

Happy anniversaries to myself.

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Exploring Emotions: Lost and Found

As the humid summer days grow longer, tall sunflower stalks follow the path of the dawning sun until shadows appear under the moonlit sky. Then, eager for a new day with endless possibilities, the yellow giants twirl around in anticipation of the sun’s kisses in the morning. While many cling to the flower’s intense focus on the hope of a new dawn, I cringe at their faces, remembering Mrs. Julie and longing for the days of journals and daily phone calls. My heart yearns to find solace sitting next to her, eating chunky monkey ice cream on the days that my high school and college years seemed to turn upside down. It is the smell of Ragu alfredo sauce, a meal that her and I both loved, while our families despised it. It is the yellow highlighter, blue pen, and colored ribbons in her Bible. It is when the choir sings, “Through the Garden.” But, when the congregation yells, “Praise God!” in song, I see her husband’s face and hear his voice. I crawl within myself, terrified of more hours of yelling and screaming, manipulation and berating. It is a foul smell in the car, an extremely heavy-set man passing out tracts. It is the man holding Scripture signs or someone talking through a megaphone. It is a preacher on Sunday morning talking about a person being “carnal” or needing to repent. But I never knew I suffered a loss.

According to the authors of Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art (pg. 74), these feelings of loss are “a natural reaction to actual or imagined losses that vary according to the type and impact of the trauma. It is common to experience a loss of one or more of the following as a result of the trauma:

- A sense of safety and security
- Meaning and purpose in life
- Physical health or body integrity
- The ability to relate effectively with others
- Self-esteem or identity
- Someone or something you love”

In my life, there was no viewing or physical casket. No funeral or solemn prayer. There was no placement of an actual body or a covering of earth with beautiful flowers in honor of their passing. Rather, I was left in a confused state with only the overwhelming emotions and harrowing memories left behind. I lost not only my best-friend and mentor, but I lost my childhood innocence and wonder, and I no longer knew the person I had become. It turns out that recognizing and accepting these losses are the first steps in allowing the actual grieving process to begin, in order to allow the pains to lesson over time, even if they never truly go away. It is vital to look deep within and ask what losses you have endured from the trauma. What has changed, shifted, or shattered into a million pieces? Recognizing these feelings and having compassion on yourself in a way that allows space to grieve and seek support as needed will begin the path to acceptance and healing.

This exercise involves writing a letter or poem to someone who has experienced trauma(s) similar to your own. For those not familiar, I was under a husband-wife couple that was like a miniature cult, brainwashing and isolation included. The wife, Mrs. Julie, was a dear friend, but her husband, Brother Thomas, was abusive mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually, but only physically abusive towards his family. Because I could not wrap my mind around another situation similar enough to my own experiences at the time, I wrote my letter as if to another girl under those mentors, since they took so many teenagers under their wings. Mrs. Julie especially took in young teen girls to help mentor and encourage them. Here is my letter as if to one of those girls. It has given me a sense of not being alone anymore, and even a shift in perspective to potentially helping others. I can see another girl and have compassion on her, rather than my own tendency to say, “I should have known. I should have seen it. Why did I not just get out?” It has helped to have compassion on myself and it was key to starting inner child work.

Dear Sister,

I pray this letter finds you well, or so I hope. Prayer isn’t really a thing for me these days. How about you?

They wanted us to meet up with their standard of living and godliness, but it was a standard that could never be attained. She loved us dearly, but she was likely too entrenched in survival mode and self-presentation to see the damage it caused: that intense feeling of failure, mounted with sheer guilt and shame. I know the mask and I know the pain. I feel that hurt. But you’re not alone. You weren’t alone then and you’re not alone now.

He couldn’t have cared less with the facade he put on, somehow greater than his weight [He was easily 400lbs or more and used it for intimidation]. Remember Rachel? Remember Amanda? Rachel had the guts to stand and Mrs. Julie protected Amanda from him. I don’t know what all you went through, but I know the loss of innocence. I know the fears and panic from everyday things that others do not understand.

I still sit through church services nervous and terrified. I never know what the man [preacher] is going to say or when the skeletons will show. Every message is a reminder of my failure. But it’s not a failure. You’re not a failure. You are strong for continuing on. You are strong for getting out when you did, no matter how long that took.

The crazy is over and now it’s picking up the pieces and finding joy in life again somehow. It’s finding purpose again outside the crazy. It’s not as simple as brushing your shoulders off, but it’s a day by day, moment by moment process.

“God’s crazy about you”…. Remember? She may have said it, but it hasn’t changed. I don’t understand how God works anymore, but somewhere the Bible says that God is love, and He loves you with an everlasting love.

The journey ahead is long, but it’s not your fault. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. In college, I thought it would be better if a car swerved and hit me because I would no longer be the reason they were hurting, but someone shared that verse with me and told me that the rest of my life that didn’t happen would be the wonder of God’s work on me. Marvelous are thy works. That’s you.

It feels like my marriage is messed up many days because of what happened, but you know what? A real man isn’t like Thomas. He cares and he stays. He loves and encourages. In marriage, we support each other through the good and bad times.

I don’t have the answers for Bible reading, church, prayer, soul-winning, communication or authority. Submission is all jacked up. But some day, we can be stronger for it somehow. Someday, we can help someone else because of what we’ve been through and cannot change.

God will judge him someday if no one gets to him first. And even if they do, God will still judge him someday. Maybe then he will know where to stick that stupid pig, chicken and rooster.

You’ll find friends again. You’ll learn to trust again as you learn about healthy boundaries (highly recommend “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud 🙂 ).

You’re loved. And you’re not alone. Hang in there. You’re stronger than you feel.

Chloe

*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.“

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