Category: recovery | Page 5 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #14: Looking For A New Church Part 1

For those who have left an unhealthy church, it can a daunting task to find a new one as several factors may come into play. Let’s start with some brief things to consider:

Your salvation or standing with God is not based upon church attendance.
You never have to officially join a church & become a member.
You are free to change churches again, if a new one you started to settle into is no longer a good fit for you.
Running to a new church and joining without taking the time to check it out and find out what they believe, could take you from one frying pan into another.
You limit yourself in finding a healthy place to attend by not considering churches that differ from your former one.
You are not a church hopper by taking your time and trying various churches to feel out what would be best for you at this time.
Some people need to stay away from church for awhile in order to rest, heal and sort through teachings and issues.

In unhealthy churches, a person may be taught that when they leave a church/group, they are leaving God. They may have in their head that they must quickly become part of another church in order to have a ‘covering.’ They may feel they must find another church just like their former one, but one that is without the bad aspects, such as standards. They might believe that God is against them due to being taught one must remain where they were ‘born’ or ‘planted.’ These are just some of the issues that the former member may face. It often isn’t easy for them and people who have never experienced spiritual abuse will not be able to relate.

Your walk with God is never based upon church attendance, nor the name of the church you might attend. God relates with believers on a one on one basis. While he could also relate as a whole to a group of believers, one’s salvation or standing with God is not connected to such. A believer’s walk with God is 24/7 and not simply on Sunday or one day midweek or only when you are inside a church building. If you have a relationship with God, then leaving a church will not have any bearing on it, despite what abusive ministers may have claimed.

Some people may hesitate trying out a new church because they feel they must become a member. This is not true. One never has to officially join a church, though some of them may limit your involvement if you don’t. Should you do so and later decide to go to a different church, you are free to do that. Church attendance in a healthy church is different than what you may have experienced. They don’t act like you belong to them and they want you to be spiritually well. Should that mean going to another church, they will send you off with their blessings. You can have a positive experience without ever becoming an official member.

I have observed many things since starting to help people in the 1990s. Sometimes the person feels they must find another church to attend right away. These people can end up in yet another unhealthy church. One does nothing wrong when they take their time, looking into how a church is operated, how leadership relates to everyone and what is taught. You usually have to go several times and to different services and functions in order to get a good feel for what a church is like. Even then, some unhealthy churches are very good at hiding how they really are until after you have joined and immersed yourself into it.

Some need space after leaving and they desire to stay away from any church so that they can understand what happened to them and unravel some of the teachings. One’s foundation may have crumbled and everything may feel shaky. Yet others are so shell-shocked from their abusive church that they cannot fathom attempting to visit a new one, but given some time and space will do so in the future. Some will want nothing to do with churches ever again. Others go the route of a home church. A person needs to feel out what is right for them at this time. Their preference may later change and guess what- that is perfectly fine. During their healing time, people may need something different for awhile. Those who have exited unhealthy churches don’t need to be pressured or berated because they do not immediately start attending another church.

The last thing I want to touch on today is that one can limit themselves by ruling out entire groups of churches without ever trying one. People who have left certain types of churches may grapple with thoughts of other churches being dead, dull, boring and without God’s Spirit present. Besides the emotionalism you may be used to, learn to see God in the stillness, too. Isn’t that where Elijah found God on the mountain? Wrong information about a group may have been instilled in people by their former pastor. These things are often based on a faulty perception due to what was taught in the unhealthy church. God can move anywhere. He isn’t bound by a church name or group. Where two or three are gathered together in the name of Jesus, he IS there.

Some pastors teach that every other church in the area, including others with similar beliefs, are trash cans and to be avoided at all costs. Think about this… The unhealthy pastor wants to keep you coming to that church. You give money that lines his pockets. You probably labor there in some way, too, and don’t get paid. By claiming that there is nowhere else to go in the area, it keeps people confined to that church, or should they be brave enough to leave, they won’t go elsewhere because they still believe the fear laced lies.

What you may have been told about all other churches is not true. There are good, healthy churches outside of your former church or group. God won’t cut you off or leave you behind should you try attending them. (My former pastor said that if we were in a Trinitarian church when the rapture took place, we’d be left behind. What a lie!)

Finding another church is more complex than the few thoughts in this post, but hopefully I have been able to share something that will help. Other issues will be addressed in subsequent articles.

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Decades — kicked out, walked out, simply out

I realized tonight that I’m reaching two anniversaries, not just one. In December 2009 I walked out of my former church. But what I don’t often think about is that in 1999 I was being “sat down” and nearing a time when I’d be kicked out. Around this time 20 years ago I was begging God to let me stay in a very unhealthy, spiritually abusive church, and around 10 years ago I was walking out of another.

A lot has changed in 20 years. I am no longer afraid of not attending church. I rarely go. I’m no longer afraid of pastors’ disapproval, of hell, or of what a church will think of me. The fear that if the pastor disapproves he can prevent me not only from attending HIS church but others like it no longer bothers me because… well, really, why would I choose to go to an abusive church “like his” or attend a church where the pastor even thinks it IS his church? More than that, I no longer – and haven’t for some time – cringed every year in January and February, wondering what would happen THIS year, remembering that one… the one in 1999, then one where I was convinced I was going to hell because the pastor was abusive.

At the same time, I also no longer celebrate like I did in 1999, 2000 and the years following. The first few years, I had multiple Christmas trees, lights, music, movies… I wore myself out with it and that was probably a good thing. I needed to make that time positive in my mind. This year, though, I haven’t even decorated yet. My job changed a couple years ago and November and early December can be exhausting, but I also don’t need something to keep my mind occupied. I don’t have a need to make the season positive, because it is, whether I have no trees or four. (I also have a very destructive cat, which may also be part of the reason for the lack of decorations.)

It was hard. Every year gets easier. I should have left 20 years ago. Actually I should have left more than 20 years ago, because the man who kicked me out did a lot of damage, and not just to me. Looking back on it all from ten years or twenty, here are some things I know:

Though I would have run back to the abusive church if I’d known then where I’d be now if I left, I’m so glad I did leave.
Things were a whole lot worse in the church I walked out of than I ever knew when I left it.
I’ve met a whole lot of people with love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, meekness, and self-control whom Christians would condemn. These have become friends. They aren’t perfect, but they are accepting and they are considerate and respectful of others, and that’s encouraging.
The best way to witness to non-Christians may really not be telling people “I’m a Christian” repeatedly… actually that may be one of the worst ways to witness… it may push people away rather than make them more interested. Particularly if the one saying they’re a Christian doesn’t particularly act like one.
A whole lot of what I was taught was wrong… isn’t. As a matter of fact, some of what I was taught was wrong is really simply normal.

Leaving was hard. Especially being kicked out. At least walking out I had anger to motivate me and I could prepare myself. At least I chose my moment and I rejected them, not vice-versa. At least I had some supports in place when I walked out. I was also older and more aware of some things. It didn’t make it easy. Leaving is always hard. But staying would have been impossible.

Happy anniversaries to myself.

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Exploring Emotions: Lost and Found

As the humid summer days grow longer, tall sunflower stalks follow the path of the dawning sun until shadows appear under the moonlit sky. Then, eager for a new day with endless possibilities, the yellow giants twirl around in anticipation of the sun’s kisses in the morning. While many cling to the flower’s intense focus on the hope of a new dawn, I cringe at their faces, remembering Mrs. Julie and longing for the days of journals and daily phone calls. My heart yearns to find solace sitting next to her, eating chunky monkey ice cream on the days that my high school and college years seemed to turn upside down. It is the smell of Ragu alfredo sauce, a meal that her and I both loved, while our families despised it. It is the yellow highlighter, blue pen, and colored ribbons in her Bible. It is when the choir sings, “Through the Garden.” But, when the congregation yells, “Praise God!” in song, I see her husband’s face and hear his voice. I crawl within myself, terrified of more hours of yelling and screaming, manipulation and berating. It is a foul smell in the car, an extremely heavy-set man passing out tracts. It is the man holding Scripture signs or someone talking through a megaphone. It is a preacher on Sunday morning talking about a person being “carnal” or needing to repent. But I never knew I suffered a loss.

According to the authors of Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art (pg. 74), these feelings of loss are “a natural reaction to actual or imagined losses that vary according to the type and impact of the trauma. It is common to experience a loss of one or more of the following as a result of the trauma:

- A sense of safety and security
- Meaning and purpose in life
- Physical health or body integrity
- The ability to relate effectively with others
- Self-esteem or identity
- Someone or something you love”

In my life, there was no viewing or physical casket. No funeral or solemn prayer. There was no placement of an actual body or a covering of earth with beautiful flowers in honor of their passing. Rather, I was left in a confused state with only the overwhelming emotions and harrowing memories left behind. I lost not only my best-friend and mentor, but I lost my childhood innocence and wonder, and I no longer knew the person I had become. It turns out that recognizing and accepting these losses are the first steps in allowing the actual grieving process to begin, in order to allow the pains to lesson over time, even if they never truly go away. It is vital to look deep within and ask what losses you have endured from the trauma. What has changed, shifted, or shattered into a million pieces? Recognizing these feelings and having compassion on yourself in a way that allows space to grieve and seek support as needed will begin the path to acceptance and healing.

This exercise involves writing a letter or poem to someone who has experienced trauma(s) similar to your own. For those not familiar, I was under a husband-wife couple that was like a miniature cult, brainwashing and isolation included. The wife, Mrs. Julie, was a dear friend, but her husband, Brother Thomas, was abusive mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually, but only physically abusive towards his family. Because I could not wrap my mind around another situation similar enough to my own experiences at the time, I wrote my letter as if to another girl under those mentors, since they took so many teenagers under their wings. Mrs. Julie especially took in young teen girls to help mentor and encourage them. Here is my letter as if to one of those girls. It has given me a sense of not being alone anymore, and even a shift in perspective to potentially helping others. I can see another girl and have compassion on her, rather than my own tendency to say, “I should have known. I should have seen it. Why did I not just get out?” It has helped to have compassion on myself and it was key to starting inner child work.

Dear Sister,

I pray this letter finds you well, or so I hope. Prayer isn’t really a thing for me these days. How about you?

They wanted us to meet up with their standard of living and godliness, but it was a standard that could never be attained. She loved us dearly, but she was likely too entrenched in survival mode and self-presentation to see the damage it caused: that intense feeling of failure, mounted with sheer guilt and shame. I know the mask and I know the pain. I feel that hurt. But you’re not alone. You weren’t alone then and you’re not alone now.

He couldn’t have cared less with the facade he put on, somehow greater than his weight [He was easily 400lbs or more and used it for intimidation]. Remember Rachel? Remember Amanda? Rachel had the guts to stand and Mrs. Julie protected Amanda from him. I don’t know what all you went through, but I know the loss of innocence. I know the fears and panic from everyday things that others do not understand.

I still sit through church services nervous and terrified. I never know what the man [preacher] is going to say or when the skeletons will show. Every message is a reminder of my failure. But it’s not a failure. You’re not a failure. You are strong for continuing on. You are strong for getting out when you did, no matter how long that took.

The crazy is over and now it’s picking up the pieces and finding joy in life again somehow. It’s finding purpose again outside the crazy. It’s not as simple as brushing your shoulders off, but it’s a day by day, moment by moment process.

“God’s crazy about you”…. Remember? She may have said it, but it hasn’t changed. I don’t understand how God works anymore, but somewhere the Bible says that God is love, and He loves you with an everlasting love.

The journey ahead is long, but it’s not your fault. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing because you are fearfully and wonderfully made. In college, I thought it would be better if a car swerved and hit me because I would no longer be the reason they were hurting, but someone shared that verse with me and told me that the rest of my life that didn’t happen would be the wonder of God’s work on me. Marvelous are thy works. That’s you.

It feels like my marriage is messed up many days because of what happened, but you know what? A real man isn’t like Thomas. He cares and he stays. He loves and encourages. In marriage, we support each other through the good and bad times.

I don’t have the answers for Bible reading, church, prayer, soul-winning, communication or authority. Submission is all jacked up. But some day, we can be stronger for it somehow. Someday, we can help someone else because of what we’ve been through and cannot change.

God will judge him someday if no one gets to him first. And even if they do, God will still judge him someday. Maybe then he will know where to stick that stupid pig, chicken and rooster.

You’ll find friends again. You’ll learn to trust again as you learn about healthy boundaries (highly recommend “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud 🙂 ).

You’re loved. And you’re not alone. Hang in there. You’re stronger than you feel.

Chloe

*For more art therapy ideas from Managing Traumatic Stress through Art, check out the full list of exercises from the blog post: “Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.“

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Book Giveaway- We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis

As with all of our giveaways, this is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

But why does sexual abuse happen within our ecclesiastical walls? Shouldn’t the church that represents Jesus Christ- the One who loved children and cursed those who harmed them- do the very best job at protecting others from harm? Shouldn’t the church be a place a survivor could run in order to be protected, heard, and given restorative justice? Sadly, no. Because so often the church has jumped into bed with power and politics and has given preferential treatment to its reputation instead of the broken cries of survivors. – Mary DeMuth

This is your chance to receive a new copy of We Too: How the Church Can Respond Redemptively to the Sexual Abuse Crisis by Mary DeMuth. It’s available to order from Amazon for $11.51 for the paperback or $9.99 for the Kindle version. I mentioned this book in a blog about several new books that have been released this year.

Sexual predators are often charming. They get away with serial predation precisely because they’ve honed their interpersonal skills and practiced how to put people at ease. They know how to befriend and be kind to 98 percent of the population- and at the same time seek out the vulnerable. They tell the vulnerable 2 percent that no one would believe even if they did tell. Why? Because, as I mentioned above, they are typically not people you’d expect to be predatory. The 98 percent is part of their overall plan. In 98 percent of their lives, they’re upstanding, helpful, generous, funny, self-deprecating, ‘honest,’ and engaging. So if or when survivors bring something to light, very few believe them. Why? Because who wants to believe that your amazing friend is actually a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Surely not! Surely the #MeToo movement has gone crazy if it can even accuse this wonderful person of such a heinous crime. – Mary DeMuth

This giveaway is a drawing and not a first come, first served giveaway. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on Saturday, October 12 at 8pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers.

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Book Giveaway – Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse

As with all of our giveaways, this is only open to those with a USA mailing address.

The analogy of the maze is a powerful picture of the journey you will go on in this book. In order to reach a point of exploring the features of healthy Christian cultures we must first navigate the difficult experience of spiritual abuse. It may seem strange to spend a considerable time discussing spiritual abuse in a book which also seeks to explore creating healthy Christian cultures. However, we feel that we can’t really explore what is healthy without an investigation of what is unhealthy. If we truly want to build healthier cultures we must enter the maze, look at the dead ends, investigate the loops, explore the multiple routes and ultimately find the exit. – Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys

This is your chance to receive a new copy of Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating Healthy Christian Cultures by Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys. We previously gave away two copies in our private support group on Facebook. It’s available to order from Amazon for $15.79 for the paperback or $8.49 for the Kindle version. I mentioned this book in a blog about several new books that have been released this year.

We thought it might be useful to include a brief summary of the main features of responding well to a story of spiritual abuse.
1. Actively listen to the story, showing that you are taking it seriously.
2. Ensure the individual telling the story knows that he or she is valued.
3. Do not minimize, judge or defend a person or the church.
4. Be clear about the boundaries to confidentiality.
5. Take care if offering prayer or Scripture as a response- ensure that the individual can make a choice as to whether he or she wants this.
6. Avoid using Matthew 18 as a first principle in responding to a disclosure of spiritual abuse.
7. Do not rush people to a place of forgiveness and reconciliation.
8. Discuss the risk of harm with your safeguarding coordinator/lead and consider next steps carefully.
9. Ensure that there is a policy and procedure including spiritual abuse in your church or denomination and that this is followed. – Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys

This giveaway is a drawing and not a first come, first served giveaway. To enter, just leave a comment to show you wish to be included. The drawing will close on Saturday, October 5 at 8pm (eastern time), after which I will draw the winner. You will then need to email me your mailing address if I do not already have it. There is absolutely no cost to enter. Don’t be alarmed if your comment does not immediately show as they require approval when you are commenting for the first time.

We always provide these at no charge to our readers.

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