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The UnBoxing Project: The trouble with freeing people

My friends and I often felt like Katniss in the Hunger Games as we left behind the high control churches we were raised in and rebelled against those systems. | Source: Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1.

Editorial Note: The following is reprinted with permission from Eleanor Skelton’s blog. It was originally published on March 5, 2015 as part of a series.

Continued from Being an angel with a shotgun.

Content Note: suicidal ideation, pastoral authority doctrine

“Eleanor, does your church teach the doctrine of pastoral authority?” my friend Racquel asked.

She was waiting with me in our college’s main auditorium and we were talking before the review session for my Organic Chemistry class started.

“What is that exactly?”

Racquel attended an apostolic Pentecostal church in Colorado Springs that told her that a person wasn’t “saved” unless they had been baptized and spoken in tongues at that particular church, not any other Pentecostal churches in the area.

A long list of offenses that are part of everyday life for most people, like watching movies and television or wearing short skirts and jewelry, could grieve the Holy Spirit, she said, and then you’d lose your salvation and have to “pray through at the altar” again.

Although I also grew up fundamentalist in the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement, we believed in “once saved, always saved,” meaning that if you messed up bad enough, you must never have been a real Christian to begin with and your salvation was fake somehow.

We’d been taught two different theology systems, but both churches taught us to be constantly afraid of hell.

“Pastoral authority means that our pastor, Brother Burgess, prays and decides if it’s God’s will for us to talk to a guy in the church, date him, get engaged, or marry,” she said. “And whether or not we can move out of town and attend another apostolic church.”

“Other apostolic churches allow social media and let their young people listen to CCM [contemporary Christian music], but our pastor has decided it’s not spiritually good for our congregation.”

Racquel didn’t see the harm in what her church banned, and she believed her pastor had good intentions.

“I can tell my pastor cares about the people in the church, the way he walks around and prays for us during the service.”

I hadn’t moved out of my parents’ house or begun dealing with the unhealthy cycles in my own life, but I knew something wasn’t right. A church community should support my friend, not make her miserable.

Over the next few months, Racquel and I had many theological discussions, and I argued that Jesus was about freedom and grace, not rules.

I said her church had the tendencies of a cult. But she couldn’t see it yet.

// // //

I’d started texting Racquel’s best friend Ashley. She’d just gotten permission from her parents to own a cellphone and drive the car again, even though she was nearly 20 years old and attending massage therapy school full-time as well as a part-time job.

I had moved out in August 2012, and felt even more strongly that Ashley’s family situation was toxic since my escape from fundamentalism.

In January 2013, I lost contact with Ashley when her parents and Brother and Sister Burgess (the pastor of their church and his wife) discovered she and Racquel had watched movies again and listened to rock music, including Skillet. Brother Burgess declared Skillet was demonic after listening to their song “Monster.”

Ashley was finally allowed to buy her own iPhone with parental and pastoral permission eight months later. (Yes, this is a real thing in Pentecostal churches. I realize how wild it sounds to people who didn’t grow up this way.)

Now it was late October. Ashley and I were meeting for coffee that evening. She showed me Search for Truth Pentecostal Bible study lessons, intended to recruit potential converts to the UPC church, as an excuse so her parents would allow us to hang out.

I was driving down towards the Starbucks where we would meet on the south end of town when I got a text message from her.

“I’m sorry, Eleanor. I can’t come meet u. My parents are now not letting me use their car for anything.”

“Stay calm, see if I can pick you up in a bit,” I replied.

“I’ll try. Don’t know if I can last that long. Cya.”

“You can make it. I believe in you. You still ok?”

“No I’m not. I’m done Eleanor, I’m sick and tired of this. I can’t do it anymore. I’m too tired and can’t keep this facade up. I’ve fought for 13 years against this and am too tired to continue fighting this. I have no control and no choice. I’m fed up and there’s no way out. I realize that now. I just don’t know what to do now.”

“Do you want out? Do you want to make the jump?”

“Yes I do. But I can’t.”

// // //

The church and Brother and Sister Burgess trapped both girls in an awful double bind, using manipulation and lies. I knew they needed out.

I organized a network of friends to be prepared when they asked for help.

But when would they be ready?

One of our friends at the time, Cynthia Jeub, wrote an article called The Trouble with Freeing People for the Huffington Post describing Ashley’s situation and how we couldn’t force them to leave.

“Helping her feel ready to take freedom for herself is the only way to make her free,” Cynthia wrote.

Only they could decide.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #18: Looking For A New Church Part 5

Church Attendance: A Matter of Life or Death, Really?

Many years ago, a prominent figure in the United Pentecostal Church posted a series of statements on Facebook about church attendance as follows:

We don’t attend church to earn salvation but to please God and maintain a healthy relationship with Him
If we have to miss a service we don’t fear going to hell, but we don’t say church attendance is irrelevant; it is a standard to teach
Church attendance is like a healthy diet; one missed meal is not a matter of life and death, but eating is

Let’s first tackle one aspect of these statements by asking yourself where these teachings can be found in the Bible. Where does it state that attending church pleases God? Did Jesus or any of the apostles teach that we maintain a healthy relationship with God through church attendance? Did Paul (or any other New Testament writer) ever teach that church attendance is a standard to be taught? Did anyone in the New Testament ever proclaim that church attendance is a matter or life or death or link it to eating properly?

Examine the progression of thoughts he presented. If you want to please God and maintain a healthy relationship with Him, you will attend church. Church attendance is not irrelevant, but a standard to be taught. If you miss one service, your life isn’t at stake; however if you miss too much or stop attending, it’s a matter of life or death. While the first post appears to say salvation isn’t linked to church attendance, if we follow the progression of statements, likening it to a matter of life and death sure instills the thought that if we do not attend, or miss too many services, we will die spiritually. We won’t be pleasing God or having a healthy relationship with him.

Reading these and seeing what is actually being taught, I am quickly reminded of all those who have been part of an unhealthy church. Their church attendance surely did not help maintain a healthy relationship with God. On the contrary, for thousands upon thousands of people it instilled in them the need to perform in order to be accepted by God, that God could hardly be pleased with their performance and that he was a harsh taskmaster, ready to punish and leave them behind if they didn’t measure up. It didn’t bring life, but rather a spiritual death with all the faulty teachings, wrong image of God, and focus on the church, pastor and themselves.

Contrary to the statements posted on this minister’s profile, there are indeed ministers in the UPCI who do teach church attendance is required to stay saved or at least keep from being backslid. Some in this organization do scare people with hell regarding church attendance. In fact, these postings also did this but in a more subtle manner. This has caused many people to erroneously believe that they must be at the church whenever the doors are open. Let me show an example from an Instagram comment made yesterday. It was in response to a female UPCI minister’s post about needing to be in church services. Not only does this commenter believe we must attend services in order to go to heaven, but even adds that the pastor will present you to God. This is fear based non-biblical teaching.
I’ve written this hoping it will help those who have left an unhealthy church and have not yet found a new one or those who cannot even attempt to look. These ministers can yell it at the top of their lungs all they want, but God is not going to cast you aside if you are not attending a church. Your relationship with God is not now, and never will be, dependent upon meeting with others in a church building.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #17: Looking For A New Church Part 4

Manifestations/Demonstrations

In continuing to address the matter of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one, let’s consider the issue of manifestations, or demonstrations. This will mainly pertain to those from Pentecostal type backgrounds and I realize that some may not appreciate what I have to share, but try to hear me out.

In many Pentecostal type churches, there can be an overemphasis on emotions, excitement, lively music and having what can be termed as manifestations or demonstrations. This is often seen as people crying, shouting, praying loud, jumping, dancing, running, raising/waving/shaking their hands, speaking in tongues, etc. In some circles, anything outside of this may be considered as dead, dull and boring. I briefly touched on this in Part One. If such are not seen, the person may believe that the Holy Spirit was not present or people were not yielding, or allowed to yield to Him, or that they did not hear from God. I remember learning that one woman felt they did not hear from God unless there were tongues and interpretations in a service.

It can be a huge step out of one’s comfort zone to attempt to visit a church outside of their former group. They may have been told all their life that other churches are dead. They may have heard that they quench the Holy Spirit in services. They may have even heard that people in other churches do not even know God. It can take a great deal of courage and determination to visit one of these other churches when your background is Pentecostal.

When believers gather together, Paul taught in 1 Corinthians that it should be with the purpose of everyone being strengthened, encouraged, edified and helped. The church at Corinth appears to have been trying to major in manifestations. Yet in doing so, they were neglecting to see to it that all were edified. It also appears that they were not operating in love. Manifestations and lively services are not necessarily synonymous with people being changed and helped.

Chapter 13 has to do with being part of the body of Christ and in the use of spiritual gifts. Paul shared that people could do all manner of things outwardly, but if what they did was not done through love, they were nothing more than noise makers. Some people ‘demonstrate’ to be seen as more spiritual, and to be recognized and praised of men. One is never acting out of love in such cases.

Jesus and the early church taught believers to not seek after signs. In this, they were not teaching that one should reject or avoid them, but rather that the focus not be placed upon them. Even when the disciples were sent ahead of Jesus into some towns, and had been given the power and authority to do miracles and cast out devils, Jesus told them not to rejoice in those things but to rejoice because their names were written in heaven.

What I am sharing should not be taken as being against spiritual gifts or lively worship. The point is that we who are from a Pentecostal type background can unnecessarily limit our choices of churches by eliminating all non ‘Spirit-filled’ ones from a list of possibilities. The Holy Spirit is just as able to move and touch people in a ‘dead’ church as He is in a ‘lively’ one. Whether a song is a hymn or a vibrant one, does not limit God. Whether a singer sings to live music or a soundtrack, has no bearing on what God can accomplish.

Many of us forgot that Jesus said where two or three believers are gathered together in His name, He would be in their midst. He didn’t limit the location. He didn’t say only if there was lively music, nor did He say only if it was in a tongue-talking church. If you are gathering with other believers in a so-called ‘dead’ church, and claim God is not there, then you are not believing what Jesus said. You are actually the one that missed Him in the gathering and not the others present.

It can be difficult for some to believe that God can move and touch people in a quieter service. But where did this thought come from? When Jesus walked the earth, were those he healed or helped running around, jumping or shouting at the time he met their need? When the lame man was at the gate, did Peter tell him that if he only worshiped more or prayed louder, he would be healed? When the woman with the issue of blood approached Jesus, was she told that if she had only danced around she would have been healed? When Elijah challenged the prophets of Baal in offering a sacrifice, weren’t they thinking they’d be heard due to their loud worship and their physical demonstrations? Did Elijah believe God would only accept his sacrifice if he, too, was demonstrative and loud?

Because you may not see the reactions you expect or are accustomed to, does not mean God’s presence is not there. Perhaps you have expected a certain type of atmosphere for so long that you cannot perceive God moving in silence, quietness or less vibrant worship. But just because you may not see it does not mean it is not happening. It might surprise you if you took time to talk to others and discovered how God met needs, all while you felt He was nowhere to be found.

Yes, it can be difficult for those used to a certain way to then attend a different type of church. But if you can push past your preconceived ideas and realize how God is not limited by the manner of worship or preaching, you might find yourself strengthened, edified and encouraged. That ‘dead’ church might be just the place for you to rest awhile and heal some.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #16: Looking For A New Church Part 3

Triggers

Another aspect of of finding a new church after an experience in an unhealthy one is experiencing triggers. A trigger is when something happening now takes you back to another time, bringing with it an overreaction to what is happening presently. You could experience great fear, sadness, a panic attack or find yourself disassociating. Let look at an example.

You are visiting a new church and a certain song is sung, one that you were used to hearing at the unhealthy church. Maybe the pastor at one time chastised you in front of everyone after that song had been played. Hearing it now, even though that pastor is nowhere around, triggers that memory. Your hands may start to sweat and you may start to shake. You may become fearful and want to run out of the church. All this is happening because of the memory this song triggered.

Triggers can happen anywhere, not just in a church setting. Since we are talking about finding a new church, the emphasis in this blog is on it happening while at a church service. This can hinder a person from looking for a new church, especially when they find themselves triggered in numerous ways.

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds by Janja Lalich & Madeleine Landau Tobias

Educating yourself about triggers will help you to better cope with them. Be patient with yourself and understand you are not going crazy. While some will not experience them because their former experience was ‘mild,’ a great many people do. Triggers also happen to those who have experienced other types of traumatic events, such as being in combat or surviving a natural disaster.

Though triggers can be most unpleasant, you can learn to deal with them. Just understanding why they occur can be a huge help. Their frequency and intensity should decrease over time and for many people they will stop. In Captive Hearts, Captive Minds the authors speak of disarming triggers and gave the following example on page 113:

Monica R. was born into a cult that used flowers as a symbol for silence and death. A gift of flowers, even a greeting card with flowers, especially roses, represented a dire warning. After leaving the cult, Monica avoided anything depicting flowers. Her apartment even lacked green plants. As she began working through her beliefs in therapy, she remembered an old medicine woman who had befriended her in time of need who used plants, especially aloe leaves, for healing. A piece of the leaf could be torn off and the sap used to reduce the pain of minor burns and insect bites. Monica bought an aloe plant.

Next, she tried tomato plants. The meaning of flowers was changed as the tomato flowers led to tomatoes, her favorite vegetable. Not long after, she was able to bring nonflowering plants into her home and, finally, flowering ones. This change took place over a period of several months. Now, years later, Monica has a garden with roses, annuals, and perennials and she is able to enjoy their beauty without being constantly afraid.

A trigger could be a song, seeing how people worship, or it may be the tone in the pastor’s voice. If he sounds a little like your former pastor, you may have a difficult time hearing anything said. If he looks at you, raises his voice, sounds angry, or even does the ‘uh’ at the end of words like some ministers make themselves do, you could be reminded of an unpleasant experience from your former church. You could be triggered by the way they ask for money or how a song is repeated over and over. A passage that was used to create fear in people may be quoted and set off a trigger. There are any number of issues which can cause a trigger and it varies from person to person. Two people from the same unhealthy church may not have the same triggers.

If you experience these in your quest for a new church, examine what happened and see if it is a warning that this church is unhealthy or if it is nothing more than a trigger. If it is the latter, you should be safe in trying the church again. But if you are triggered too often or continuously over the same thing in various churches, it would probably be best for you to take a break. There is no sense in pushing yourself in this area if the triggers are that strong and frequent. Allow yourself some breathing room and slowly try again at some point in the future. In Traumatized by Religious Abuse, the author shares:

In the aftermath of religious abuse, most survivors experience a tremendous sense of confusion. Places, people, situations, events, even seemingly small aspects of religion- words, articles of clothing, books- that once represented safety and comfort suddenly trigger responses that are difficult to understand or integrate. Some survivors long so much for the things they once had that they put themselves directly in the path of triggers they aren’t ready to face. While we would never tell Veteran Dave to live next to a shooting range, survivors of religious abuse might feel compelled to seek out those very things that trigger traumatic responses for them. Whether out of a sense of obligation, obedience, mandates from other people or the institution, or just a desire to recapture the good things associated with faith practices in general, survivors of religious abuse sometimes jump out of the frying pan right into the fire and wonder why they still feel burned.

Some people need to attend a church that is quite opposite of the one they exited because of triggers. You do what you need to do for your health. It doesn’t matter what those from your former unhealthy church might say, or what ignorant people may say who are clueless about spiritual abuse.

Another area of difficulty can be your concentration. You may find your mind wandering off in a service and also when you try to read. This is also very normal. Should you find yourself not listening to what is being taught or unable to focus on reading something from the Bible (as well as other books), understand that this happens. At the same time, when it comes to the service, check yourself to see if it is an overall difficulty with concentrating or if the minister isn’t providing anything edifying and that is what is causing your inattention.

This is a link to an article about triggers that some may find helpful. There is much information available and I encourage you to educate yourself so you are better equipped to deal with them.

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Leaving An Unhealthy Church #15: Looking For A New Church Part 2

Leaving Your Comfort Zone

(See Part One) Let’s further address the matter of finding a new church after you have been involved in an unhealthy one. As I have shared, this can be a daunting task for many and the reasons are varied.

Today I would like to address getting out of your comfort zone. For those who came from places that emphasized outward standards, it can be difficult for some to visit a church that does not uphold these. People will be seen in casual clothing, maybe even shorts. Women may be seen with cut hair, make-up, pants and jewelry. Men may have facial hair and not be dressed in suits or white shirts. Their hair may be past the collar.

When one is used to seeing people dressed differently, it can be a shock to see otherwise. It can be so distracting that they cannot concentrate on the message or worship. They may find themselves judging people, especially those on the platform. They may catch themselves thinking, “How could the pastor dress casually? And the worship leader has on pants. Look at the women in the choir with all that make-up and jewelry!”

To those who have never experienced being in a performance based church, these thoughts can appear absurd and really off-the-wall. They do not understand how deep these teachings run, how fear-filled they are, and how in someone’s mind, the salvation of a person can rest or fall on adhering to them.

Even those who have started to see that these standard teachings are in error may have difficulty. Some had been ‘police’ in their former churches, persuaded by leadership, or themselves, to run and report to the pastor when people were seen breaking these rules. Once a person is past this mindset and has sorted through the teachings, they often are able to look back and laugh at how they were reacting, but at the time it is no laughing matter. Here are some thoughts that might help you when grappling with this.

The first is the absolute need to spend some time in the Bible and search out for yourself what, if anything, it actually teaches on these standards. Learn to read the passages in their proper context and check to be sure you are not using incorrect word meanings, as unhealthy churches often attribute false meanings to words. Consider what all, or the whole, of the Bible has to say on a subject. Once you see for yourself and are assured in your heart about what is truly taught, the fear and the difficulty seeing others dressed differently should fade and vanish.

Second, many of these unhealthy churches often point to the past. Keep to the ‘old paths’ they may shout, but the paths they speak of are from their history or view of things and not what is mentioned in the Bible. Others may proclaim that this is how it’s been done it for decades. As you have time, look into the actual history of your group and see how things really were years ago. You may be surprised to find people with jewelry and cut hair, for instance. Even ‘big names.’ But don’t get too caught up in the history aspect as it really doesn’t matter what some in your former organization, or even in your country, did years ago. Those things don’t have any relevance to how you should dress today.

Third, when you visit a church where people dress differently, remember why you are there. Are you there to police or judge others in attendance? Or are you there to hear something helpful and to be encouraged and edified? How others are dressing is none of your business- you don’t even know the people. They answer to God alone, just as you do.

While there might be some in attendance who may, in your view, be dressed inappropriately, remember that everyone has their own individual walk with God. Perhaps that person doesn’t have other clothing to wear. Perhaps God is helping them with something much more important than how they are dressing. And if they feel free to attend like that, it is a good thing. They obviously desire to be with other believers. They don’t need people passing judgment on them while they learn of God and grow in their relationship. If any changes are needed, the Holy Spirit is more than able to speak to them.

Some who leave such churches continue to keep all or some of the rules they were taught and that is perfectly fine and they are free to do so. They might yet believe in the teachings, it may be their personal preference, or they may have done things that way for so long, they simply do not wish to change. At the same time, others are also free to make changes as they see fit. While some might go overboard at first, they will find their balance. And what will be one person’s balance may be another person’s overboard. In whatever you do, be fully persuaded in their own mind and don’t go against your conscience.

Understand that it can be difficult to be in a church setting where people look different from what you are used to. That is normal. It will get better. If you will keep in mind the things I shared, it will make the transition much easier.

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