Category: recovery | Page 31 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #5: Don’t Listen To The Gossip

“I overheard the pastor telling Bob that you had a rebellious spirit and we aren’t supposed to contact you. He thinks you’ll soon be a drunk or on drugs.”

“Liz said that if you had been under submission to your husband, you never would have cut your hair and that’s why your son broke his leg.”

“Doug said that the reason you left is because you were never really one of us and were faking it all along.”

“One of the women at church caught you wearing make-up and now you’re being called Jezebel.”

You’ve left an unhealthy or abusive church and start hearing what current members, and maybe even the pastor, are saying. You are hurt, heartbroken – maybe angry. Though you recall seeing this happen to others who left, and expected it to occur, it hits hard.

Unfortunately, being human we sometimes have this desire to want to know what others are saying about us. Curiosity gets the best of us. But remember the old saying that ‘curiosity killed the cat’ because listening to this kind of talk can temporarily kill your spirits. There is more than enough to deal with in sorting through all the emotions and issues involved in leaving, than to add unnecessary turmoil to it all.

The best way to handle this is to stop the talk before it hits your ears. If someone from the former church starts sharing what anyone else there is saying about you, stop them in their tracks and tell them you do not wish to hear it. Some church members have nothing better to do than to talk about those who left, make up stories and believe things without ever stopping to determine their veracity. Through it all, most don’t call, write or visit.

These were people you bonded with and loved and you don’t need to hear the latest gossip about yourself or why you left and what you are supposedly doing now. If listened to, you will most likely be hurt and don’t need to get angry enough that you say or do things which will later be regretted and that will be used against you to ‘prove’ you are backslid, rebellious, reprobate, etc.

Remember, you decided to move on and are no longer a member. Don’t get pulled into the nonsense and run around trying to put out all the fires. You know your character, why you left and how you are living. All the talk in the world won’t change that truth and you will never convince otherwise those who are determined to believe a lie.

If you allow people to report these negative things, fighting your thoughts will prove more troublesome. You will need to guard your own spirit more carefully and will have additional ups and downs due to thinking about all the gossip and how wrong and unfair it is. Save yourself some heartache and turmoil by not listening. Don’t allow your curiosity to get the best of you.

Yes, There is Always Hope

So far, I’ve written about my stepdad’s difficulties with church that have arisen because of his toxic religious upbringing, his adoptive mother’s unhealthy beliefs, and issues with United Pentecostal Church family members. Now, I’d like to focus on the positive – a few people who have been instrumental in helping him start to break out from the spiritual abuse.

The first person who played a major role was Rev. Laura, the then-rector of the church we started attending when we moved back from Houston. Jon had never dealt with a female clergy member from a mainline church before, so this was a new experience for him. However, his friendship with Laura turned out to be good for him, and he actually started attending services from time to time, although his level of participation at this time was low. There was just too much stuff going on during this time with the UPC folks that it was hindering his progress.

Around the time Laura accepted a call at another congregation, things were starting to come to a head with the frustrating religious differences between him and the UPC family members. The experience of having a clergy member go to another church after a tenure of about 12 years (she had been at our church for close to ten when we started going) was new and took some adjustment. His experience with previous Baptist congregations, for example, had involved pastors with such long tenures that the congregations had more or less been shaped into the pastor’s image.

Our most recent rector, Fr. Les, arrived about five years ago, and he and Jon hit it off right off the bat. Even though he’s still gone slowly about getting involved with church stuff, I think Les has been a very positive influence on him, and I’ve noticed some subtle positive changes in Jon’s outlook during the time Les, who is now at a church in another state, was in charge. He’s actually given formally joining serious consideration, which is a major step. However, he’s also aware of and grateful for the fact that membership is not an absolute requirement to be fully welcome.

A few other good friends from church have also had a positive influence on him. By making him feel welcome, without a hidden agenda, he now knows that you can make real friends in a church setting. The fact that people at our church come from various backgrounds and have an assortment of interests outside the church has made a good impression. With the people in his family that were involved in the UPC and other groups, everything was all about goings on at the church, all the time. I think knowledge that the body of Christ is about the people, rather than where they meet, has been refreshing for him.

This has been most obvious when Les visited him in the hospital both when he was an inpatient and when he was having outpatient surgery. Being able to receive communion and the laying on of hands/anointing with oil without being a formal member has helped him be able to approach his involvement on his own terms. Knowing that he can participate as much or as little in the life of the congregation as he wants has made him more willing to be a part of things.

This part of the story is still ongoing, but I have every reason to believe he’ll continue to recover from the toxic beliefs he was exposed to growing up. With God, all things are possible! Please keep Jon, my mother and I in your continued prayers.

Some new favorite quotes

I loved Rich Mullins’ music. Tonight I found one of his old concert videos on YouTube. Some of the the things he said really floored me. So tonight I’m quoting:

I know vengeance is mine saith the Lord. I just want to be about the Lord’s business. …Proof-texting is a very dangerous thing. I think if we were given the scriptures, it was not so we could prove that we’re right about everything. If we were given the scriptures, it was to humble us into realizing that God is right and the rest of us are just guessing.

He went on to say that one of his favorite verses is “whatever you’ve done to the least of these my brethren, you’ve done to me.” He said he believed God has a special place in His heart for the poor, the weak, the oppressed, the small and the insignificant.

https://www.youtube.com/vQnFU5JvuWY

Well, I’ve posted the link… (the link is no longer available) I can’t do it justice. He was killed in a car accident within about a year of this video, and he was one of my favorite artists.

The rest of this is just me talking for the fun of it…

I finally got some songs uploaded to MP3 today. Mary has finally caught up to within a decade of current technology! Almost, anyway. Guess I need to find a TV and DVD to be really caught up, but a computer has all I really want for technology.

I’m guessing most people at church now know, either through gossip or pulpit, that I’ve left. Not one call. And I’m OK with that now. And finding myself less cautious online with letting people know where and who I am… which I haven’t totally decided is a good thing or not, so I’m trying to be less cautious but still careful. Life’s just too good to live intimidated and scared of every shadow or possible situation that could happen. I’d rather rejoice.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #4: Remaining in the Same Organization

You leave an unhealthy or abusive church but are thinking of remaining within the same religious organization. You don’t question the main doctrine or perhaps believe you can help bring change from within. You haven’t done anything wrong, but are no longer in agreement on an issue or teaching.

Sometimes pastors take it upon themselves to call around to other area pastors within their organization, to ‘warn’ them about you. I know firsthand as it happened to me. I went to see a neighboring pastor, to decide if I might attend there, and he informed me that my former pastor had called with a warning concerning me. (He would have been fine with me becoming a member, though I decided that I could no longer attend these churches due to my changed beliefs.)

It is funny how some pastors, who feel that salvation isn’t found much outside their organization, will feel it is right to try and block a person from attending another church with their same ‘truth.’ Apparently they want them to be lost. Isn’t that really what they are saying with their actions? Or perhaps they are trying to force them to come back on their knees, begging to return. If so, that is pathetic, controlling, manipulative and sick. In the years since I left, I have heard numerous people share that their former pastor warned other pastors about them. (Another thing, that goes along with this, are pastors sometimes telling current members to have no contact with the person who left.)

If the pastor who is being warned is anything like the one doing the warning, then you will be told you are not welcome. They probably won’t even give you a chance to explain why you left. If they are not, you may have an opportunity to attend. There is a chance you could be welcomed openly, but there is more of a chance that you will be closely watched and not trusted, nor allowed to become involved. You may have to go through months of this before being fully accepted, that is if you don’t somehow ‘mess up’ in the meantime.

Should you find yourself in this place and not openly welcomed, you may want to consider the possibility that your reasons for leaving may not just be a local church issue (this is initially what I thought) and that there may be more wrong with the actual group than you thought. People are not owned by the church they attend, nor the pastor of it. And if someone is trying to keep you outside the walls of ‘truth,’ then perhaps that truth isn’t really what it is claimed to be.

If your church feels they have some special truth that the majority of people do not have, wouldn’t it be more fitting to do everything they can to reach out to you, even if they believe you are in sin or rebellion? Isn’t it better that you are saved, than cast aside and doomed for all eternity? From the actions of some, you wouldn’t think so!

In the United Pentecostal Church, no pastor is supposed to allow you to join their church without a letter of transfer from your former UPC pastor. This link on letters of transfer within the UPC may prove helpful as some pastors have wrongfully withheld it.

Many have attempted to change an unhealthy group from within and most are unsuccessful. These groups are often set up in a manner that is not open to the average member being able to bring about change. In some it is impossible. It is better to look to your own spiritual well being and pray for those yet within, than to remain in a system which may further hurt your spiritual walk.

In Everything (Give Thanks)

1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you…

For a long time, I resented this verse. It seemed good, until I went through something. Then it kind of stuck on my tongue… one of those things. Kind of like a big spoonful of peanut butter without anything to drink and no jelly. Good, but sticky enough to choke you if you got too much at once. In everything? When I lost something special? When I was betrayed or hurt or lonely? When someone died? Everything? Sick! Crazy, ludicrous, impossible! But then…

It took awhile, but I started looking at the verse differently than what it was generally quoted at me as meaning. God doesn’t expect us to be thankful for the bad things that happen to us, but rather hopes we can be thankful in spite of them- that we can look past the hurts and the confusion and fear, to a God that is bigger than all of those things.

God doesn’t plan for all the bad things that happen in the world. He gave us free will when He put the tree in the garden, and from the time Adam bit its fruit, He has allowed people to decide some things and act on those decisions. Those decisions and their consequences are man’s, not God’s. He didn’t plan for Abel to be killed, or Lot to pitch toward Sodom. He didn’t plan for Babel to be built, Eli’s sons to be corrupt, or Jezebel to murder His prophets. He may have known that they would do those things or could do those things, but He didn’t choose for some people to do bad things to others. Sure, He hardened Pharaoh’s heart- but only to build the Israelites’ trust in Him after a long captivity. There were times that He intervened. But not for ultimate harm. Always for good.

And so I’ve come to view that verse differently. God doesn’t expect me to be thankful for bad things that happen, but to be thankful that He’s with me through the bad times. It’s not a matter of false cheeriness, hiding sorrow behind a smile. It isn’t about denying negative feelings or pretending everything is OK when it isn’t. It’s a matter of trusting Him, of finding in Him some goodness, knowing that when bad things happen, it isn’t because He doesn’t love me or planned for the bad things. He gave us a choice, and someone made the wrong one. I don’t have to be thankful for that; many times that would mean I had to rejoice in someone’s sin. What I do need to at least attempt to do is look past the problems to the One who can solve them, and know He’ll bring me through.

There is only one plan I know God has had since the beginning of time. That plan wasn’t for any of the bad things that have happened in the thousands of years since… no, it was for the best thing that happened in all time. A plan that involved a lamb… and a cross.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you