Category: recovery | Page 29 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Standards, Questions

Before I left, I really started studying some things out and realized that my fears were deliberately instilled and completely unfounded. I’ve questioned things that happened in church and certain doctrines for awhile. Until recently, though, I tried to squelch those questions or reason them out. But the answers are pretty obvious- and not in the Pentecostals’ favor.

I’m actually still more conservative than a lot of liberal Pentecostals, and don’t know quite what to do about that yet. I love my hair, and get lots of compliments on it. I actually went and bought MORE skirts after I left the church- but the church I was in, we couldn’t wear denim on church days or outreach days. That left Mondays and Fridays… and my job limits denim on Mondays. So when I rebelled, I went and bought jean skirts! I have no idea if or when I’ll buy any jeans (LOL I have to buy a larger size jeans than skirts- now that’s a deterrent!) or really cut my hair. (I have trimmed it, but not noticeably.) I don’t agree that those things are biblical issues, but they are just a part of who I am. On the other hand, this summer I fully intend to wear short sleeves, and look forward to showing my elbows.

One thing I realized, that had always held me back before, is that people “in the world” don’t generally recognize people as Pentecostal for the way that they dress. So however I dress is really just my preference, and doesn’t prohibit me from dancing or buying a drink or going to a movie… it was ingrained that everyone would know I was Pentecostal and doing something ‘bad’ would be a bad witness, but no one “in the world” cares what I wear or where I go. Now that’s liberating!

I really figured at first I would just leave the conservative churches and “go liberal.” But I’ve been to some of their churches now. So small, not growing… no single men my age… I want to meet and marry someone, and I get so mad at myself for sacrificing something so normal for a church that then inferred that there was something wrong with me because I hadn’t married or “backslid for a man.” That blew my mind. Fornicators were respected more than me because “at least they were normal.”

Anyway, back to the positive. Since leaving, I’ve been free to be happy, not to second guess every move, not to be afraid that I’d make a mistake… I didn’t have many friends left in Pentecost, and though it is good to reconnect with some I wasn’t allowed to talk to in conservative Pentecost, I don’t ever want to go back. Ever read Plato’s “The Cave“? Lots of symbolism, but a pretty good description of exit to me.

https://web.archive.org/web/20230521142750/http://www.historyguide.org/intellect/allegory.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

Unfriended Because of a Church Attended? Really?

My stepdad has had a Facebook account for about four years, but had about a year in which he was unable to be online much due to sight issues that required surgery. When he got back online recently, he discovered that a couple of people he’d known for a long time had unfriended him, or were at least no longer showing as being on his friends list.

As he started to wonder why he may have been unfriended (who hasn’t when it happens to them on Facebook?), he started to wonder if it may have been due to a check-in on his profile at a local congregation (other than the one he, my mom and I attend) that we’d attended for a Lenten program. Maybe the way that he lists his beliefs on Facebook “uncorrupted by modern religious institutions” was behind it. Perhaps they took his decision not to visit one of their churches, despite more than one invitation, personally.

Most likely, it was none of the above. People have all kinds of reasons for removing friends on Facebook, and many of them aren’t personal. I think it would be somewhat hasty to assume that church affiliation was the reason behind it without other evidence suggesting this was the reason.

This exchange does bring up an interesting question: would a real friend drop contact with you simply because they disapproved of a church you visited, your views if not expressed in a hurtful way, or your declining to visit their church? In short – no, IMO.

A friend who doesn’t have a spiritually toxic agenda shouldn’t judge you because a church you’ve visited once (or regularly attend) isn’t their cup of tea. After all, people often attend churches of various denominations due to weddings, funerals, and other events. To snub someone merely because of a one-time visit is ridiculous.

As far as dropping contact over disagreement with beliefs goes, if we all dumped people that weren’t in total agreement on everything, our social media feeds would be lonely places. Yes, it can be jarring to see someone express their opinion of modern religious institutions in such a blunt way. However, it helps to step back, take a deep breath, and realize they have a spiritual story that may not align with your experiences.

This brings me to my next point – declining to visit a church in a polite way isn’t something that should turn a rational person against you. This is a lesson I wish I’d learned a long time ago, as it would have saved me a few annoyances and some major headaches (this could be a whole post in and of itself).

Every denomination is not every person’s cup of tea. We all have different gifts and abilities that may not be able to be expressed adequately in some groups.

In my stepdad’s case, some of the invitations have occurred more than once simply because his friends didn’t realize the only type of Baptist he is now is an ex-Baptist. All they knew is that he attended a Baptist church as a kid, but not that it was because that’s where his mother and stepfather made him go.

I think many of us live in fear of offending people because of holding different beliefs, and we shouldn’t do this. Our loyalty ought to be to Christ, not the particular group that we choose to express our belief in Him.

He may have been unfriended for any number of reasons, but if any of the suspected reasons were true, he doesn’t need such “friends.” A real friend supports you no matter where you are in your journey and accepts you.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #8: The Way Of The Transgressor Is Hard!

You left an unhealthy church and now something bad happened. Perhaps you had an accident, lost your job, have a financial problem or an affliction in your body. Certain fearful words that you heard dozens of times echo in your mind, “The way of the transgressor is hard…”

Your former pastor would warn of what awaits the person who leaves, sometimes adding stories of frightful things that allegedly happened to others. They are considered backslid as they walked away from ‘truth.’ Oh, the tales of the auto accidents, even deaths, may ring in your ears. Perhaps they were right and you are backslid, maybe even without hope.

It is interesting how, at times like these, we forget all the bad things that happened while we were in our former churches. In a post awhile back, I shared: “I recall all kinds of bad things happening to people who were in my former church. A home burned down, there were all kinds of vehicle and job problems, car accidents, financial difficulties, marriage trouble and divorces, and people getting diseases with some dying. The church itself was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. It would be an extensive list of woes if everything could be mentioned. Being a member of the church and being involved did not keep us from the things of life that can happen to anyone.”

When bad things happened while you were in church, you probably heard the pastor proclaim, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous” or maybe, “The trying of your faith worketh patience.” The bad would happen because you were following God. Perhaps the devil himself was out to get you. The devil always seemed to be after the church and the people there. He received a great deal of credit he didn’t deserve. But that’s another story.

If you had remained at your former unhealthy church and the same bad thing happened as is happening now, you wouldn’t be thinking you were a transgressor. So why are you now, simply because you stopped attending your former church? Have you walked away from God or have you simply walked away from a particular church? Have you walked away from God’s principles or have you walked away from man-made doctrines?

Think about it. You had plenty of bad things happen while you attended, so why should it be any different because you left a church building? The rain falls on everyone alike. This is life and in life there will be things happen that are bad just because you are alive.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #7: It Happens To Ministers, Too

Another aspect of unhealthy churches is that the talk, lies and abuse happens to ministers, too. Sometimes we do not think about or discuss this.

When I was involved in the United Pentecostal Church in New Jersey, there was a neighboring pastor from the same organization that my pastor would talk about negatively. He would accuse him of being lax on standards, proclaim that rebels went there (our church had years before split and some who left attended there), and he even put him down for attending a tent revival run by someone outside our group. These weren’t private one on one comments, which would be bad enough, but were remarks openly made to the entire congregation. While sharing about the other pastor receiving his ordination at a district conference, my pastor complained in a sermon that the District Superintendent, Wayne Trout, called him up front to pray for the man.

I knew a minister who was pastor at another church in the organization, about two hours north of us. When that church went through the established process of leaving the organization, various things were said of him. One was that he ‘stole’ the church from James Lumpkin, the previous pastor. He personally shared with me that when he resigned his license, Nathaniel Urshan, the UPCI General Superintendent at the time, wrote cautioning him against leaving & I believe basically saying that those who exit do not end up well. That church is still in existence in 2023 and Terry Smith is still the pastor.

Then there is a former UPCI minister in Michigan, Joel Chipman, who since leaving has been bad-mouthed by his former pastor, Robert Henson, in Flint. I have no doubt that similar has happened to other former UPCI ministers, as well as ones from other church groups.

Anyone involved in an unhealthy church can be hurt, even those in the ministry. When you leave, your name sometimes becomes mud, even though you may have previously given your life to the group.

Humorous Discoveries

Well, I’m not blogging as much now as I did at first. That’s actually a good thing in several ways. I write for therapy, so silence on my blog shows that things are going well. I’ve found a church that I feel comfortable in, and several activities that aren’t related to a specific church, which is very positive since I don’t want all my friends and activities to focus on one group ever again. I’m beginning to make friends with non-Pentecostals, too, which is very positive.

There are a few things that have amazed me that I don’t think I’ve written about. The first is that though I was always taught in church that my skirts and hair were my identifiers, and felt that if I went to a movie or any other “taboo” place that people would see my hair or dress and know I was Pentecostal. I was taught that by going certain places, I would “lose my witness.” As though people with no Pentecostal background would recognize that I was Pentecostal and was breaking the rules. Fascinatingly, no one outside the church seems to notice or care how I dress or whether my hair is uncut, unless they have specific background with Pentecost themselves. I love it!

The other day I started noticing that I am going a little overboard with things at times. It’s as though I need a few weeks of total involvement in one area before I can let it go and move on to something else. For instance, I watched quite a few movies for two or three weeks. Then I stopped watching any. I have no problem with movies, but it was as though I needed the experience and needed to prove that I could, and then was finished with that experience for awhile. I won something on the radio, and have wanted to call every time they had a contest since. (I could rarely call in church because other members would listen and condemn the winner if it wasn’t totally wholesome in their opinion.) And we won’t mention the number of hours on the internet! But that, too, is normalizing as time goes by.

The people at my new church are entirely different. No attendance is taken, no one has called if I don’t come. But they are always glad to see me if I do go. There have been no restrictions that I must attend there for a certain amount of time before getting involved, nor have there been demands that I must do a certain amount for them. Shortcomings are laughed off and qualities are brought out. There are no big people and little people, no popularity contests and no shunning. I’ve never seen a group of people get along so well, just because they could and not because they had to. It’s wonderful.

It’s nice to have the freedom to do what I want when I want to, and to feel more comfortable just enjoying life as it comes.