Category: leaving | Page 26 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

If Only I Had Remained

If only I had remained in the church….

People who have left an unhealthy church and are going through a rough time sometimes have the thought that, had they remained, the [difficult/unpleasant/tragic situation] would not have happened. If they had just stayed in the group, they wouldn’t have lost their job or there wouldn’t be family problems or their child wouldn’t have become ill or….. They have temporarily forgotten that bad things happened while they were attending their former church. Old thoughts, from sermons using twisted scriptures, can have a hold on people for years if they do not deal with the issues from their involvement. “If you leave, God will strike you down! You may be in a car wreck or become ill. Perhaps you will lose your job or home. The way of the transgressor is hard!”

I recall all kinds of bad things happening to people who were in my former church. A home burned down, there were all kinds of vehicle and job problems, car accidents, financial difficulties, marriage trouble and divorces, and people getting diseases with some dying. The church itself was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. It would be an extensive list of woes if everything could be mentioned. Being a member of the church and being involved did not keep us from the things of life that can happen to anyone.

In like manner, being out of the group, we need to understand that good and bad will also happen. It is part of life. It doesn’t mean God is after you and trying to get you to return to the church. It doesn’t mean you are lost or backslid. It doesn’t mean you would have been safe from whatever happened had you remained. Take the time to look into the passages that were used to scare you and see the fear that permeates the teachings. If you do this you should eventually no longer have to fight such thoughts. It’s a guarantee that should you return, bad things will still happen.

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Broken Friendships

Its been hard for me, knowing that people will refuse to remain friends if I “backslide”. But I haven’t backslid. I have simply stopped going to a certain building a few times a week. If I had a friend that told me they wouldn’t talk to me unless I shopped in Walmart, I wouldn’t consider that person much of a friend. Same with these now- I’m still there for them if they want me, but its their choice whether to express friendship to me or not. I’m not responsible for their actions. My decision was simply to stop going to a certain place. I didn’t walk out on God or them, but just did what was best for me. Now its their choice what they do. Doesn’t make losing them easier, but it would have been harder to lose God, and that’s where I was headed.

Relationships in the church seemed so shallow. I always thought it was just me, that I couldn’t connect, maybe I was less spiritual or just shallow myself. More than likely those were not the reasons for shallow relationships though.

In the church, we were told that getting hurt in church was worse than most hurts in the world, because the church was our “family” and we were “so close”. I wasn’t close to them though. Not the way I was to family and friends growing up. To me being close means being able to laugh with people, to play games, to just be together without wondering if they would think I was “carnal”. Closeness to someone means being able to relax around them, to “let your hair down” and just be yourself.

Its nice to think I might meet some people that aren’t weighing every word I say, judging every move. I need friends. The kind of friends who are there at your roughest times to pick you back up, to love you. They are simply there. They seem to know when you need that encouraging word, that helping hand, that smile or hug. And they give it without hesitation, no matter what you’ve done or what others have said. I want friends like that, and I want to be a friend like that. Have I got some friends like that? I’m working on it. True friendships take time. But they’re worth it.

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Mirror Images

The calls started last night. I can’t understand where the “saints” are coming from anymore, even though there was a time that I must have thought along the same lines. One lady called and asked what was wrong. She pushed me to come back to church, and I finally told her a little of what was happening (unethical or hypocritical situation). She told me that I needed to come back because things were going poorly at church. Not because we could change anything, mind you. No, she said I needed to come back so I could feel God!

Since when does my relationship with God depend on my location when I worship? Since when does my closeness to God depend on going to an unethical church? She asked where I planned to go instead, and I told her I wasn’t sure yet. This flipped her out. She told me there was nowhere else to go. Really? Then I would be quite satisfied not going anywhere.

Except there are places to go. Trinitarian (they are oneness), yes, but I never agreed with the concept they tout that Trinitarians serve three gods, or aren’t saved. Even if they are strict about the baptismal formula, I’ve already been baptized so why does it matter where I go now? Because I need to fellowship with believers? “Beloved, let us love one another.” “By their fruits ye shall know them.” “By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, that ye have love one for another.” Should I go to a church that teaches Trinity but loves each other, or to a Jesus name church that backbites, gossips, and so forth?

I’m not happy about quitting church. I don’t know, someday maybe I’ll go back to a Oneness church, but not one like I’ve come out of. Maybe a really liberal one. But only if I’m comfortable with the rules. Only if there is no spying, no bragging from the pulpit, no abuse, no checking up on people. I want to be loved and accepted, to hear real prayers, and be able to trust people again. I want to meet sincere people who love God and believe He loves them, no matter what they have done or been, and who love each other the same way.

Isaiah 61
[1] The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;
[2] To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;
[3] To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

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Telling The Real From The False

There are different reactions when one leaves a Pentecostal type church. Some continue to practice what they learned in their church. Others run away from it. Many go somewhere in between.

Not everyone who leaves these type of churches will turn from all things Pentecostal. And some will simply develop a healthy and biblical view of them, which should be everyone’s goal.

When some people leave a Pentecostal church, they won’t even consider a non-Pentecostal one. They’ve had it drilled in them that all others are ‘dead’ or ‘boring’ and that is untrue. They may have become addicted to that emotional fix in a charged service. They may not yet have come to see how we simply cannot rely upon our emotions. (I have an article that addresses emotionalism called The Presence of God.)

Others leave and run as far in the other direction as they can. They find the so-called ‘dead’ and ‘boring’ services to be just what they need during their time of healing. They don’t want a minister to shout the message and don’t want all kinds of emotional displays in services. They don’t want anything that remotely reminds them of their former church. They want peace and quiet.

These are often steps taken by those who leave the UPC (United Pentecostal Church) and similar churches. Until one has had the chance to fully examine the various issues involved, it’s no wonder people react in either manner.

When I first left, I attended a church that broke from the UPC and was two hours away, if traffic allowed. After leaving there, I wouldn’t even consider the ‘dead’ and ‘boring’ churches. They were not in the ‘truth’, you know!

Many years later, I would now prefer a non-Pentecostal church. How I came to this place wasn’t due to my initial knee-jerk reaction. It has come after spending much time looking at the various issues, seeing what the Bible teaches and shows, and coming to what I believe is a biblical conclusion regarding some practices seen in Pentecostal churches today.

So we always need to allow people space in this and be patient as they make their own journey.

Some who leave are triggered by altar calls. In the New Testament church, I don’t see any examples of present day altar calls, but that doesn’t have to translate to meaning they can’t ever be used in a church service. They simply need to be healthy and whatever is done should be based upon the Bible.

Going to the altar in a healthy church isn’t about crying, pleading, begging, getting ‘zapped’, falling down or any such thing. I see it as basically one of three things:

It is an opportunity for a believer to have another pray with them.
It is an opportunity for a believer to pray privately to God.
It is an opportunity for a person to come before the church in a public confession of their newfound faith in God.

Here’s the thing about this- you never have to go to a church altar to pray. As believers, we can pray anywhere at anytime and with anyone. There isn’t some special power that goes with a church altar. God is just as close in your living room and isn’t any less powerful there.

In addition, in a healthy church, you won’t be told you must come up front to pray, nor will you be pushed to do so or made to feel guilty.

Going out of your way to avoid altar calls would be a knee-jerk reaction because of the triggers it causes. However, you may need to do this while you heal and work through your issues. That’s OK. I think you will find that over time you will become comfortable and not run from what would be an altar time in a healthy church.

And what about things like prophecy or tongues or healing?

Some people come to disbelieve anything related to their former church and this is often the result of having been in a toxic environment. These are all mentioned in the Bible, so they are real. The problem is we saw a distorted version of them and when we see these things mentioned, we may equate the distortion with them instead of realizing there is a true biblical aspect.

Here is something that should help should you find yourself in this position. Spend some time reading in the Gospels and Acts and see the supernatural events that are described. Pay attention to how and why things happened. Also notice the absence of examples for what we see in Pentecostalism today. (That’s one thing many of us never stopped to examine and that is if we could find any similar examples of behavior or actions in the Bible.)

In the Bible, people are miraculously healed. Lame people walked and blind people received their sight. A few were brought back from the dead. There were prophecies and even a little speaking in tongues. There were other miracles. See what I mean? These things can be genuine and shouldn’t be discounted because we received a distorted image of them. Get a healthy, biblical view and discard the distortion and see it for what it is.

Hopefully there’s something here that will help those struggling in this area.

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Shaking Foundations: The Start of Questions

Someone in an unhealthy church may ask a question like this:

Why did God find me in a UPC church if the teachings are wrong? What is so wrong now that was not wrong then? Why after all of these years do I have questions that rock the foundation of everything I have been taught and believe?

In responding, I could counter with, did God actually find you in a United Pentecostal Church? God was drawing you to Himself well before you stepped foot in a church. The type of church doesn’t matter. Where you were when you opened your heart to God doesn’t matter. It really has no bearing on you and God as our walk is a one-on-one relationship with Him. God could have just as easily met with you in a vacant field or a hot desert. See what I mean?

When we first come to God, we are overjoyed. We want to do anything and everything. We are not looking for things that may be wrong. We may have little to no knowledge of the Bible to know how to discern between true and false teachings. We aren’t expecting to be taught things which are not true.

So, did your church change? Was it different in the beginning? My guess is no. But your perception of it has changed. You are no longer in the beginning happy stages, ready to do anything without question that ones in leadership ask. You’ve now matured. You’ve gained knowledge. You think more critically.

When someone in an unhealthy church starts to question teachings, no matter what they may be, it often does feel like their foundation is being shaken- and in reality, it is. Yet if your foundation is based upon man’s imaginings, then you need it to be shaken, even though it doesn’t feel very good and can be quite scary.

I have found through my own experience, as well as listening to a great many people who have left the UPC or other Oneness Apostolic churches, that God often uses some incident to cause the person to start to look objectively into a matter. What that something is varies greatly. It may or may not have anything directly to do with the teachings themselves.

For me, it started when I helped at the church run daycare for the second time. Events that happened over several months helped cause me to feel that if things didn’t change, I’d be leaving the church.

I ended up voluntarily resigning my teaching position at the end of the summer program and went away for a few weeks and spent some time with UPC friends in the ministry, who knew how things could be at the church. (It has often helped me to go away somewhere while thinking things over.)

When I returned, I heard all kinds of things about a tape recording that the pastor played in a Thursday evening service. It was a Christian radio broadcast on spiritual abuse. The two guests were former members of the church. They didn’t mention the church name or any person in the church. His stated reason for playing it was so members could see what was being said about the church.

I asked to borrow the tape and found that my reaction was not what I had seen in others. I saw some truth to what they shared, though I didn’t agree with everything. Sometimes you have to have things happen directly to you in order to wake up.

I made a copy of the tape and took another trip to a couple who had left the church previously. While they listened to the tape, it was obvious the whole thing was difficult for me. It was painful to start realizing abuses that had taken place in my church and that the pastor played a part in some of it. If you were present, you would have found me pacing back and forth while they sat and listened, making occasional comments.

After my return home, I met with one of the daughters of the pastor and her husband, who had also left. That was an eye opener, too. PKs tend to see and hear many things.

From there I started to attend services less and also looked into the uncut hair issue for women. It wasn’t very long before I knew I could no longer remain. It got to a place where it didn’t even feel like my church anymore. After being a loyal member for just under 13 years, that was an odd feeling, indeed.

For me, my start into seriously questioning things was working in the daycare. I saw people do things against state rules. I was told by the pastor to lie if anyone from the state came when his daughter wasn’t there. (There was supposed to be a certain person there, with college credits, while we were open.) I got a first hand experience of what some others had gone through before me.

It had nothing to do with the church teachings at first. I believe God used a series of incidents to start to remove me from an unhealthy church environment and erroneous teachings.

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