Category: leaving | Page 20 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #9: Some Must Return To Remember Why They Left

“If you really believe that, then you should go back to the United Pentecostal Church.” Did I say that? Yes, I really said that to a friend. There was a time I wouldn’t have considered it.

Earlier on, after leaving my former church, there would be times that a friend, or someone I knew online, would return to their former unhealthy group. It used to upset and puzzle me, but that changed after awhile as I gained more knowledge. Being upset was replaced with the realization that some people need to return for a period of time, in order to remember why they left in the first place.

This even happened to one lady, who during her time back in the UPC, wrote a book about returning to them. It was an attempt to help bring in the ‘backsliders.’ She worked in her then-husband’s ministry to get people to return. Then she left again, with no intention of ever returning. We were able to get together once after she left.

There are different reasons people return to an unhealthy church. They may have left before being fully persuaded in their own mind that it was abusive, unhealthy and/or that error was being taught. They may return due to fear. Sometimes the pull from family/friends and the desire for their acceptance is overwhelming. In this post I wish to concentrate on one aspect.

My focus today is what can happen when some time has gone by after exiting. The one who left may start having nostalgic feelings or may be craving the fellowship and excitement they had in their former church. They may not have gained many new friendships since their exit or they may not have found a new church to attend. During this time, they sometimes temporarily forget why they left, or may downplay the reasons, or the other feelings seem so strong that they convince themselves things will be different this time. They may even be fighting the ‘what if they are right’ thoughts.

During a time like this, it isn’t good to make decisions based on emotions or longings for the past. But sometimes it happens and the person finds themselves back at their former church or another in the same organization. They receive lots of attention, hugs, welcome backs and invitations of fellowship. Things feel sooo good! But as time goes on, and the initial love bombing subsides, they start to see once again why they left in the first place…and at times even see and experience worse things. They walk away once more.

If someone you know returns to an unhealthy church or group, pray for them. Sometimes they simply need to be reminded of why they left. God is more than able to keep them and see them through this time in their life.

Loyalty should go both ways

“The only people I owe my loyalty to are the ones who never made me question theirs.”
― Joe Mehl

Were you loyal to your pastor? Did he ever question it?

We had an exodus of about 20 people one year. All at once. It sure took me by surprise. I thought some of them were taking extended vacations that Thanksgiving holiday. But then I realized they had left. Gone. Just gone. I thought “Wow, why, what happened?”

The pastor was obviously upset by it. We lost some of the best workers in the choir, Sunday School and bus ministry we had. How were we going to carry on?

I never did know all the whys and wherefores of that exodus. But it seemed to have something to do with the ones in charge of the Sunday School not being able to fully do their job, which was being very creative. Suddenly (as I remember it happening) we went from doing some really fun things to back to the “old way”. (I thought there was a lot more to it, but I was not privy to all the information).

The pastor suddenly was uncertain of everyone and their loyalty to him, not trusting anyone at all. We had meetings with the department heads (I was one for that year) and all he talked about was how the people who left had been his friends one moment and then enemies the next. We got very little done in the meetings. We began hearing this from the pulpit the same thing. One moment he would be preaching away on a topic and he would suddenly stop and go on about how people had “hurt” him and he was certain more would do the same. We were to be loyal to him. He was the pastor. We were to respect him. He was the pastor. Our leader. This went on for years. Really.

He did not trust any of us. He seemed to think all of us were thinking of leaving. He always told us to “get over it” when we thought he “hurt our feelings.” (He sure was not getting over his “hurt feelings.”) Anytime someone did not show up for church and did not call him, he knew they had left. It was just that we might be sick and just didn’t think to call. Or something had come up, we didn’t always consider his feelings. We were not being loyal to him. We didn’t mean it, really.

I always felt loyalty should go both ways. I have your back, you have mine sort of thing. We came to church and paid our tithes, praised the pastor’s preaching with “amens” and the singing (lead by his wife) with our worship. We were to accept his leadership without question. Sometimes he would say something and someone would tell him that what he said hurt their feelings. He would preach about that later and tell us, “So what if I hurt your feelings? Too bad! Get over it!” After a while I know I stopped feeling sorry for him (so did some other people) as he would go on and on about how people hurt his feelings and made him not trust the rest of us. It didn’t seem we were on a two way street here after that Exodus. I think most of the congregation was over it way before he was. Of course, in a way, we were not directly affected by the exodus the same way the pastor was. They were only our friends. He was their shepherd, pastor, leader.

Those of us left were sure we would never leave that church or pastor and would remain loyal forever. But some of us trickled out over the years just the same. I am not certain but I think his feelings of insecurity toward all of us after that time affected us more that we realized.

How can you be totally loyal to someone if your loyalty is called into question just because a group decided to leave?

Although my leaving took place about 10 years after this incident, I have wondered if there was a change in my thinking or loyalty that helped me out the door.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #8: The Way Of The Transgressor Is Hard!

You left an unhealthy church and now something bad happened. Perhaps you had an accident, lost your job, have a financial problem or an affliction in your body. Certain fearful words that you heard dozens of times echo in your mind, “The way of the transgressor is hard…”

Your former pastor would warn of what awaits the person who leaves, sometimes adding stories of frightful things that allegedly happened to others. They are considered backslid as they walked away from ‘truth.’ Oh, the tales of the auto accidents, even deaths, may ring in your ears. Perhaps they were right and you are backslid, maybe even without hope.

It is interesting how, at times like these, we forget all the bad things that happened while we were in our former churches. In a post awhile back, I shared: “I recall all kinds of bad things happening to people who were in my former church. A home burned down, there were all kinds of vehicle and job problems, car accidents, financial difficulties, marriage trouble and divorces, and people getting diseases with some dying. The church itself was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. It would be an extensive list of woes if everything could be mentioned. Being a member of the church and being involved did not keep us from the things of life that can happen to anyone.”

When bad things happened while you were in church, you probably heard the pastor proclaim, “Many are the afflictions of the righteous” or maybe, “The trying of your faith worketh patience.” The bad would happen because you were following God. Perhaps the devil himself was out to get you. The devil always seemed to be after the church and the people there. He received a great deal of credit he didn’t deserve. But that’s another story.

If you had remained at your former unhealthy church and the same bad thing happened as is happening now, you wouldn’t be thinking you were a transgressor. So why are you now, simply because you stopped attending your former church? Have you walked away from God or have you simply walked away from a particular church? Have you walked away from God’s principles or have you walked away from man-made doctrines?

Think about it. You had plenty of bad things happen while you attended, so why should it be any different because you left a church building? The rain falls on everyone alike. This is life and in life there will be things happen that are bad just because you are alive.

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #7: It Happens To Ministers, Too

Another aspect of unhealthy churches is that the talk, lies and abuse happens to ministers, too. Sometimes we do not think about or discuss this.

When I was involved in the United Pentecostal Church in New Jersey, there was a neighboring pastor from the same organization that my pastor would talk about negatively. He would accuse him of being lax on standards, proclaim that rebels went there (our church had years before split and some who left attended there), and he even put him down for attending a tent revival run by someone outside our group. These weren’t private one on one comments, which would be bad enough, but were remarks openly made to the entire congregation. While sharing about the other pastor receiving his ordination at a district conference, my pastor complained in a sermon that the District Superintendent, Wayne Trout, called him up front to pray for the man.

I knew a minister who was pastor at another church in the organization, about two hours north of us. When that church went through the established process of leaving the organization, various things were said of him. One was that he ‘stole’ the church from James Lumpkin, the previous pastor. He personally shared with me that when he resigned his license, Nathaniel Urshan, the UPCI General Superintendent at the time, wrote cautioning him against leaving & I believe basically saying that those who exit do not end up well. That church is still in existence in 2023 and Terry Smith is still the pastor.

Then there is a former UPCI minister in Michigan, Joel Chipman, who since leaving has been bad-mouthed by his former pastor, Robert Henson, in Flint. I have no doubt that similar has happened to other former UPCI ministers, as well as ones from other church groups.

Anyone involved in an unhealthy church can be hurt, even those in the ministry. When you leave, your name sometimes becomes mud, even though you may have previously given your life to the group.

The fragility of truth

Someone told me today that he had come to the conclusion that “Orthodoxy is a fragile thing, which can be good. If it’s false, it can be easily dropped, and broken. But if it’s true, it must be constantly maintained.” I wonder if I misheard him. Because if what we believe is false, it can be easily dropped and broken, yes. But that is when it must be constantly maintained. Only the false is fragile. The truth, like fire, should not be so easily snuffed out.

It was an interesting comment and an interesting line of thought. Should the truth need to be constantly maintained? I don’t believe so. Truth will flourish on it’s own. The false, the insufficient will be easily broken or snuffed out, yes. Something closely related to that has been bothering me lately. After nineteen years of believing a certain way and giving my life to it, I find myself wondering what I believe.

I’m not sorry for the positive things that came of my life in Pentecost, but I don’t believe what I did just two months ago. I told someone not long ago that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, I’ve just grown beyond it. That is very true. It was good in it’s place and time, but there are deeper, richer places in God, and I’m ready to explore those.

So was what I believed false, that it could be easily broken? I can’t answer that yet. Is my faith broken or bigger now? I’d have to say bigger. Maybe in answering the second question, I’ve answered the first. So again I come to the thought that I haven’t left Pentecostalism, but I have grown beyond it.

Only what is false must be constantly maintained, in my opinion. Truth will stand on it’s own, and falsehoods won’t tarnish or change it. Truth is strong, but falsehood is weak and easily broken. Systems that encourage people not to look beyond their group’s way of thinking are maintaining something. But truth promotes growth, not maintenance.

The difference between falsehood and truth, to me, are like the difference between a spark and a bonfire. One can be easily snuffed; the other can burn for days without any human effort. So when I’m told if I miss a service that I’m “leaving truth,” when I realize that after 19 years that two months has totally changed my opinion on certain passages in the Bible… I have to wonder what I was maintaining all these years.

God made the mountains. He put the stars into space. He is truth. Truth doesn’t need to be maintained by humanity. Truth extends way beyond humanity. Who ever heard of maintaining a mountain? Or maintaining a star? So why, then, do we think truth must be fought over and maintained through such careful monitoring of every bit of information that passes our eyes? Truth will stand on it’s own. It isn’t fragile, and there is no need to maintain it.

There is no reason to fear that truth will break so easily. It should be treated respectfully, but even when left alone it will persevere. If a person is afraid that “truth” can be easily broken or lost, that is a very good sign that they are only maintaining an ideology, a mindset, or a thought pattern, rather than real truth and faith.