Category: leaving | Page 13 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Brief Thoughts On Bitterness

For those of us who left abusive unhealthy churches, the warning against bitterness is an appropriate one. Whether a bad experience was in a church setting or totally unrelated, one needs to be on guard to not allow bitterness to remain should it be encountered. Bitterness will hurt you more than anyone else in the long run and you will never heal.

Some current members of unhealthy churches love to throw out the bitterness label should a former member mention anything that appears to be negative about the church, its leadership, or the teachings and practices. It is done in an attempt to discredit and silence them.

While people can twist what bitterness is, or attempt to scare people with verses pertaining to it, the fact remains that bitterness is real and is something the Bible tells us to put off and not allow to remain in our lives. Sometimes we do not want to admit we have a problem, but denial of it will not help one to overcome. Because a verse was used against you in a wrong way or was twisted, does not mean that we can avoid the true meaning of the passage.

There are indeed people who struggle with bitterness after leaving an unhealthy church environment. Does everyone? No, but many do for varying lengths of time. The key is to not allow it to remain for months and years. We cannot brush it aside and simply claim it is anger and say we’re allowed to feel angry when that anger has actually turned to bitterness. This is like anything else- if one denies the struggle, they can’t be helped much. Don’t be afraid to admit struggles.

If one speaks about their past unhealthy church experience, does this mean they are harboring bitterness in their heart? No, this in itself is not bitterness. I’ve been accused of being bitter in having my spiritual abuse website because I speak about what happens in abusive churches. The website would be a whole lot different if it was done out of bitterness! Speaking about your experience does not mean you are bitter—-but how you speak of it may give a clue that you might be.

Talking about our experiences does not mean we are hanging on to the past. The admonition to “Get over it and move on” is unhelpful and shows ignorance of the complexity of the situation. Normally in unhealthy churches, certain questioning is not welcomed and one usually is not at liberty to openly question the validity of teachings or how the church is operated.

When one leaves, there are usually many questions and issues which need to be addressed in order for the person to heal, recover and sort through the various teachings. Some need to discuss and vent more than others. They need to be given space to do this. Doing so does not equate to being bitter or holding on to the past.

More Than A Dash….

I attended a funeral and the speaker who was giving the eulogy spoke about life being just a dash between birth and death and what we did in that dash was our life. He continued to speak how this person, with a great servant’s heart, had made the dash of his life matter.

Long after I left the funeral I thought about that dash of life and a servant’s heart. I knew when I was a member of my United Pentecostal church, my heart was not of a servant…and my dash of life, well it was basically empty. I participated in the church and was involved but It seemed everything was so controlled and focused on the pastor and how to serve him and the church, that there wasn’t time left for anything else.

Oh I did my duty by working in children’s ministry, puppet ministry, ladies ministry, choir and drama ministry. Then there was cooking meals for visiting ministers and for fundraising, making and selling peanut brittle, along with the church cleaning, yard work and on and on.

I was a working mother of two but was expected to keep a spotless house because you never knew when the pastor would show up with his white glove, checking the top of your refrigerator for dust. If any was found you became Sunday morning’s sermon. It was always titled “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” Jude 2:2. Yes the scripture doesn’t exist but the burning hell bent sermon did.

Things changed a little when my ex-husband pastored a church. I didn’t have to worry about the white glove test anymore but my duties expanded to include administration, section ladies leadership, and anything else that needed doing. Plus I was still a working mother and trying to be a good mother to my children and attending all of their activities and seeing to their needs. Whew! Just thinking about it all still makes me tired!

I hardly had time for prayer and Bible reading but my heart hungered after his word so I would start my days at 6 am and end it with prayer and Bible study at 1-2 am. And it was during one of those 1 am Bible studies that I really read the words of Jesus and realized I wasn’t doing what he saw as important…..

“Then the King will say to those on His right hand, ‘Come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me.’ “Then the righteous will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry and feed You, or thirsty and give You drink? When did we see You a stranger and take You in, or naked and clothe You?

And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.” – ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭25:34-38, 40‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I sat there, so very tired and tears rolling down my cheeks and realized I was very busy with “church work” but was it Kingdom work? According to Jesus’ words I was not doing His work. My life was just a dash between two dates, nothing spectacular. With all the busyness, my heart remained empty of servant hood.

It wasn’t long after this that my husband abandoned ship….from God, the church and me. My life totally changed in a moments notice. I moved and found a job, went back to college to finish a degree in accounting and worked as a tax accountant for the next 14 years.

But I couldn’t get away from the words of Jesus and the dash of life and how I desired that servant’s heart. I so wanted my life to be more than just a dash. I wanted people to know I’m His child and a servant to others. I wanted to serve that glass of cold water and prepare food for the hungry, visit the sick and those in jail and to give a home to the homeless.

Then I found a very healthy church full of Jesus’ love and the teaching of having a servant’s heart has blessed me more than anything else. I have been blessed with a servant’s heart and now feel like my life is more than just a dash…that in some small way I can make a difference.

From doing all that cooking and sharing it at work I was able to share recipes and teach some of them how to cook. I didn’t realize I had touched so many until I retired last year and received phone calls and emails of how I helped so many. I know it wasn’t me but Jesus touching them through sharing a meal I prepared.

I have an older lady living with me now because she was homeless and living in her car. She goes to my church and none of us knew she was homeless. She had lost her husband and couldn’t afford their apartment anymore so she put her stuff in storage and her name on the list for senior housing. And slept in her car. When I found out what she was doing I brought her home with me. That was almost three years ago and she is still with me. She now has enough money to live on and she contributes to the household needs. It took so little to give a home to a homeless person.

I am not writing this for any praise, I’m just sharing how easy it was to add to my dash of life. When I was United Pentecostal…my heart was not of a servant…and my dash of life was so empty. But through Jesus’ love and the teachings from a healthy church…I have been blessed with a servant’s heart to serve people and to serve them anywhere.

My workplace, a soup kitchen, giving a book to an inmate in jail, an elderly woman grieving the loss of her husband …and home. It takes so little to make a difference and in some small way know that my dash between two dates will be more than just a dash.

Return to the Body of Christ?

Every so often I check Amazon to see if they have new material related to spiritual abuse for sale. I did so this week and became irritated when I saw the write up for the book, Spiritual Abuse in the Church, by Angela R. Williams.

This book was written to invite all who have left a church or an abusive Christian group to return to the body of Christ. Stop blaming God for what people did. You can then share the freedom experience with others through testimonies of forgiveness, grace, and love provided by the Savior; as you move forward in your walk with Christ.

Did you catch that? Leaving an unhealthy church does not mean we left the body of Christ. Since the Holy Spirit has placed believers into one body, leaving any church or religious group does not change our place in the body of Christ. We have been born from above and not by any church or group. One can never set foot inside a church building and still be in the body of Christ. While there are those who leave and are afraid that they are lost (due to the fear permeated teachings of their former churches), this has no bearing on whether or not they are in the body.

Second, not everyone who leaves blames God for what people did. Yes, some have difficulty separating the two, especially at first. However, not all who exit spiritually abusive churches go through this. I am one who did not. Those who do experience this need time to sort through their experience and the teachings. Telling them to just stop blaming God does not accomplish this.

I have to say I wasn’t surprised when I looked into the author of this book and discovered they are a pastor in a Pentecostal type church and believe in coverings (another church is their alleged covering). Too many of these churches place the blame on you when things happen (or don’t happen). Too many of these stress the thought that not attending their church services is “forsaking the assembling” of believers.

We don’t need books on spiritual abuse which pressure people to become involved in another church or equate their leaving an unhealthy one to leaving the body of Christ. People need time to start healing and recovering and sort through the myriad of issues involved. If they jump right into another church, before getting to a certain place in their recovery, they may find themselves in another unhealthy group.

There may be some helpful things in this book but I won’t be discovering them due to the paragraph quoted, which is from the back cover. It doesn’t cause me to be hopeful that it would be very helpful.

Moving on, blessing and cursing

My job ends soon. I’ve known Pentecostals in my past who prayed I would lose a job and who rejoiced when I lost a job, because they believed the job wasn’t the will of God for me or thought God needed to get my attention on something. There are probably people thinking the same things now. People from my former church have called and bragged that now they can get jobs, that the pastor told them they could probably get jobs now, and so forth. There may be people in my former church who even think God is punishing me by taking my job away.

This job was never supposed to last past a certain time. It actually lasted about 15% longer than it should have. I have a new job already lined up. There are other opportunities that may also present themselves. I’m not disappointed that it’s ending. I’m relieved. I worked, and worked hard there, threw myself into it whenever I had the opportunity, learned a lot, and grew professionally. And left church to keep my integrity and honesty. My job was made more difficult by my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ who threatened and blackmailed me and by a boss who wouldn’t believe that I wasn’t like them.

Earlier this week I emailed a goodbye and thank you to some former coworkers. One who attended church with me asked about a rumor. I responded to her on some other things, but completely forgot to answer whether the rumor was true or not. She questioned me again about it, laughingly saying I avoided the question. No, I forgot it had been asked. It was hardly worth thinking about. A year and a half ago a rumor like that would have been nearly earth shattering.

Clearing out my emails today, I read again some of the messages my ‘brothers’ and ‘sisters’ had sent me. The messages seem almost petty now. “Like u care, but i…” “u avoidn my ? i no u don like wat i say but it tru…” Childish, unprofessional, but no longer bothersome in the way they were when they were written. They are still troublesome for the memories they produce, and I still react to them, but I realize now if it hadn’t been for the threats of a bullying, abusive pastor their statements would have meant nothing.

I’m looking forward to my new job. I’ve gotten numerous compliments and thanks from work associates in the past few days. I’ve sifted through and cleared out emails that reminded me just how much I’ve learned and done in my time at the job that’s ending. Several people have recommended upcoming positions in their offices. And a few have mentioned that they wouldn’t hire me when I held the job that’s ending because they needed me as an associate, but that since it’s ending they would do their best to get me on their staff. Sound like God’s punishment that I’m losing my job? Not hardly. A huge blessing, perhaps, in many ways, but not a curse by any means.

It still hurts when one of them goes out of their way to make a snide comment, but not like it did. What hurts now is not what they think, but that they call themselves ‘Christian’ when they do it, and knowing that I shouldn’t repay in kind. And it’s knowing that they believe I did them wrong somehow, when if I’d been more like them I would have hurt them first so they couldn’t have gotten me… and that if I’d done that, I’d probably still have the job and the church they say I’m cursed for leaving. On the other hand, it’s encouraging to know that I did the right thing in spite of their threats, bullying, and backbiting, and that whether they want to believe it or not, I know that everything has worked out even better than I originally planned… and that many of the things they consider ‘curses’ are actually blessings–and better than anything I could have hoped for.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #13: A Warped View of God

I swear on my soul, that if these men are speaking for God, I would rather spend eternity in hell than serve him. How are you supposed to love the God they represent? Unconditional Love? yet contradicted… Grace? yet contradicted…

Because all of that junk had completely clouded my view of Jesus, and I didn’t even know who he was anymore. Was he the harsh judge that was just waiting for me to show I wasn’t “holy” enough so he could smite me? Was he the one that demanded absolute perfection? The one for whom nothing was ever enough?

These are the feelings of two people who left their separate churches. Some find it hard to break from the erroneous view of God that they encountered in an unhealthy church. This can be especially difficult for those raised in one. Every time they see someone from their former group write about the group’s beliefs or they read Bible passages that were distorted in their church, they wrestle with trying to break away from the harsh taskmaster they came to know. But this isn’t the same Jesus portrayed in the Bible, but rather a false view that arises from erroneous teachings and how these are taught and applied.

Erroneous teachings can indeed cloud your view of God. They can give one a very different and distorted view. The tragic aspect of this, and one I have seen all too often, are people who can see the error of at least some of the teachings and yet have not yet been able to break from this distorted view.

This is what happens in a performance based church and while things vary from one unhealthy church to another, the teachings lead to performance based religion. While many will not say, for instance, that following outward standards is a matter of salvation, they will believe one is lost or at the least backslid if they don’t adhere. Many will say ‘it is better to be safe than sorry.’ These actually make them matters of salvation, whether or not it is specifically stated as such.

This is an excerpt of an email I received from a visitor to the spiritualabuse.org website. They are from the United Pentecostal Church and wrote:

WE strive to live Christ. Do we error? YES! But we try. There are some Pastor’s who goes over board, but for the majority, it is just about trying to make heaven our home. Yes, some things seem extreme, but in comparison to eternity, it is the least we can do. Our dress and appearance is simple a safety protocol we take to assure our success in making heaven our home. I hope you give this some thought.

Take note of what was actually said. It’s about trying to make it to heaven. It’s about safety measures. It is not at all about trusting in the finished work at Calvary. I don’t know how many posts I’ve read through the years where someone has written something like, “I’d rather be safe than sorry” concerning a teaching. And remember hearing church testimonies that said something like, “Pray for me that I will make it in?” They have no lasting assurance of salvation. In their mind, though they probably do not recognize it, salvation is based upon their performance and not on the completed work of Jesus on the cross.

There is a vast difference in being obedient to God and in obeying rules so one will be saved. The latter removes us from living in God’s grace and places the emphasis on us and our actions in order to make us acceptable. The good news from Jesus is that He paid the FULL penalty for all of our sins. He took away our unrighteousness and clothed us in His righteousness. We either accept this by faith or we will somehow try to earn our salvation.

And that’s what the performance based teachings lead people to. Many start out OK, but as time goes on, that initial joy of coming to Christ is replaced by an undercurrent of fear and worry…. that we will mess up and be rejected…. that God is almost anxiously waiting for us to err so He can zap us into oblivion.

What a horrid, horrible and unfair characterization of a loving Savior!

Do you struggle in this area? You may realize that the standards teachings or some other teaching is not a matter of salvation and many are not even biblical. You may know that through the teachings you developed a warped view of God. You need not remain in the position where the warped view continues to taint your perception. Your former church is still having influence over you and you are believing lies that will hinder you in your relationship with God. May your mind be set free to see Him as He is.

You do not have to live with a warped view of God. A good place to go for help is in the Gospels. That’s where we have the most information about Jesus. Just read them to read and not to study. I strongly suggest you use a different Bible than the one you have used in your former church, as yours might be filled with notes from sermons. Using another version other than the one you used should be helpful as well.