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A Time To Heal – A Time To Build Up

“To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven:
‭‭…..“A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up;”
‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1,3‬ ‭NKJV‬

This is my story of healing my heart and soul and rebuilding my mind and emotions….

For me recovering from spiritual abuse was very personal and private. I knew I needed healing and I needed to repair my relationship with God, which was my first priority. The problem was I didn’t know how to begin. So I started working on developing my relationship with God through conversations with God. To me this was more than just prayer like I had done in the past, this was actual conversation and telling Him about everything that I feared, my anxieties, my anger and I didn’t hold back anything. Then I would spend time in reflection, trying to hear his voice, sitting quietly outside on my deck looking at my gardens and letting his nature calm my soul and emotions, then I turned to scriptures and just began reading and meditating on his word. I felt like I was in that place where God was telling me to “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) .

I also read books: False Holiness Standards, Healing Spiritual Abuse, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, and a few more but I can’t remember their titles. I surfed the internet reading all I could find on the subject and joining support groups. I was not going to a church and had not attended a service in over six months so the guilt was very high. Was it guilt from not attending service or was it the guilt and anxiety because I was enjoying not going?

My daughter and I had tried a couple other United Pentecostal churches but there was nothing there but dried up bones and that was six months ago. I knew I was not going back to the UPC. Been there, done that. But I was still trapped in their legalism of dress and hair, simply because that’s all I knew and the only clothes I had. It had been 32 years that I had been in the UPC. I no longer needed to dress this way but I didn’t know how to take that first step to change and that seemed to be the hardest step to take. Although my daughter wasn’t having any trouble giving up standards and she seemed genuinely happy as she searched for a church. She kept saying, Mom, all I want us to be are normal Christians.

Normal was good I thought, problem was I didn’t know what normal was. I did receive a few emails from my former church friends, asking why I left and I should come back and repent and not backslide and blah, blah, blah. I didn’t respond and I unfriended them because I didn’t need the distraction. It wasn’t like I was friendless; I had a lot of good friends at work, just nobody I could talk to about why I left my church and religion.

One of the first things I did was purchase a new Bible, a NKJV, and began to study it with an open heart and mind. I wanted my quest in God’s word pure and fresh so I could see His grace. It was like the word came alive to me and the first scripture I read was: “I am the LORD, that is My name; And My glory I will not give to another, Nor My praise to carved images. Behold, the former things have come to pass, And new things I declare; Before they spring forth I tell you of them.” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭42:8-9‬ ‭NKJV‬‬) This gave me a lot of hope that I was still in His will by leaving and searching for truth.

My daughter found a friend, Anita, from Youth Camp online and she explained that we were looking for a church that was “normal” and Anita invited us to visit Crosspoint Church, which was where she went after leaving the UPC. So on Palm Sunday we went and sat in the back row by the door, just in case things got hairy. But from the first beat of the music I could feel the strong spirit of God in a good and loving way; not in a frenzied emotional way. My daughter and I cried all through the service.

When we got in the car to leave, I remember my daughter saying. “Mom did you notice how happy and friendly everybody was?” I told her yes, but it could be a fluke because nobody I knew was that happy about their salvation. Although I saw how Anita was and she was very happy. So we decided to visit again the next Sunday on Easter and bring my granddaughters. The next Sunday was a repeat of the Sunday before and we decided to give it a try and see if this could be our church.

The Sunday following Easter, the church had a ministry fair and I signed up for a ministry called Thyme In A Garden and I registered for a summer ladies bible study to be held in a home close to me. Now I was really putting myself out there because I didn’t know anybody except the associate pastor and his wife and that was only because I grew up with them and my daughters friend Anita.

I’m very thankful for Dave and Ronda because of their wise council to me and the help and love they showed to me during this time. They also had made the same journey I was making. I remember one Wednesday night prayer meeting they both came and prayed for me. None of that grabbing my arms and spitting in my face or yelling in my ears type of praying. They simply put their hands on my shoulders and asked for God to lead and guide me down the right pathway.

After service I asked Ronda how did she overcome the dress code of the UPC? She just smiled and told me I would know when it was time to let go of the past and she assured me when I got rid of the trappings of dress and released the vestiges of legalism, then there would be nothing between God and me except for grace. She said his word would come alive to me like never before because I could no longer hide behind a facade of self righteousness.

A few weeks later I went to my first meeting to Thyme in the Garden and I was a nervous wreck about going into a place I didn’t know. But in I walked and said Hi, I’m Cindy. I was greeted so warmly and friendly by all the ladies and they accepted me right in and I’m still going 6 years later. I met the best group of Christian women that day and they prayed for me after I told them I just left the UPC.

Being a former pastors wife, you know a thing or two about people and of course the shunning and shaming you get when you leave a church. But my biggest shock came from one friend from UPC, we’d been friends for 30 years and I had visited many times since my divorce. She was emailing me at work and I was answering her and I told her that I was going to a new church. She asked me where and I told her and I guess she looked it up online and literally became a wild woman telling me I was backslid if I could go someplace that didn’t teach standards and now I was going to be a reprobate.

Then she finished by telling me we could no longer be friends because we have nothing in common anymore. I couldn’t believe it just five minutes prior to telling her where I was going to church we were chatting away. Now we had nothing in common? I knew I was going to lose friends but I never imagined her. We haven’t spoken since that day and she, along with her family, unfriended me on Facebook. The pain of it still hurts at times but God has given me more friends than I can count now. During this time, I continued to search scripture for reassurance and God never fails:

Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert. (Isaiah‬ ‭43:18-19‬ ‭NKJV)‬‬

I held on to his promises because I was in uncharted waters.

I again showed up at the home where the summer woman’s Bible study was being done and again God put me in touch with Steve and Helen, former UPC Pastor and wife, who left the organization years ago. God knew exactly who to put me in touch with. I don’t know how many times I’ve called upon them to calm my fears and doubts.

“Who will rise up for me against the evildoers? Who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity? Unless the LORD had been my help, My soul would soon have settled in silence. If I say, “My foot slips,” Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up. In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭94:16-19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Steve and Helen prayed for me and with me, gave me scriptures to read and taught me about healing and forgiveness. I told them I wanted to start over as a brand new Christian and they even signed up to take a new Christian Bible study with me.

I started feeling more at peace every time I went to church and finally I felt the freedom to get rid of the old clothes and buy new. My daughter and I had fun shopping and there wasn’t a dress or skirt purchased. My daughter was getting ready to graduate from Beauty School, so I was her model to demonstrate a hair cut. I donated 24 inches of hair to Locks of Love and felt so light and free. I was her model for color demo and she made me a beautiful blonde. I hadn’t felt pretty since my wedding day until that day. I sat and looked in the mirror and cried.

I took the church’s Welcome to the Family class, which is a four week course that explained the history of the church, their beliefs, their staff and what was expected from a new member. Again I had to brace myself against the anxiety, but my daughter took it with me so I wasn’t totally alone. During the first class we found out the church came out of the United Pentecostal Church about 30 years ago and my pastor was also former UPC and that explained a lot of the teaching. It wasn’t legalism at all, it was grace and mercy. It was Christ and him crucified. It was no big “I”s and little “U”s. But it was salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. It was humility and servitude and living within your means. There are no thrones on the platform, the ministers sit with the congregation. They teach commitment, connection and contribution. Everybody dresses casual so all that come feels comfortable. They were answering all my questions one by one. It was amazing and wonderful all at once. I finally felt at home, that I was in a safe place and I had a place where people cared and prayed and loved each other.

My final confirmation that I was in the right place for me came in September at our ladies retreat. My pastors wife wanted all of us to go outside and enjoy nature alone with God and our Bibles. I remember sitting at a small table looking over the lake and asking God one more time, is this the place you want me to be? He replied with his word: “You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from its farthest regions, And said to you, ‘You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ “Behold, all those who were incensed against you Shall be ashamed and disgraced; They shall be as nothing, And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them— Those who contended with you. Those who war against you Shall be as nothing, As a nonexistent thing. For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’” (‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭41:9-13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬) With tears streaming down, I lifted up my hands and praised him for always being with me and leading me out of darkness into his marvelous light.

That was six years ago and do I still have anxiety from the past? Yes I do and I still have fear from time to time. And yes I suffered with nightmares for several months, but I put my trust in God and he never failed me.

Last year I was reconnected to a dear friend from the church we had pastored and we’d been apart 18 years, but our friendship is closer now than ever before. She has been delivered from legalism and spiritual abuse.

A few months ago I was able to call my ex-husband and forgive him for everything and he started crying and saying he was sorry for what he did. We talked for over an hour about our children and grandchildren.

My daughter met a really nice man and they were married two years ago. She has 3 girls and he has 2 girls, so now I’ve been blessed with 5 beautiful granddaughters.

Has it all been a bed of roses? No it’s not, life is still life. I lost my father and step mother within two days of each other through cancer and pneumonia in October 2011. My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and is in stage 5-6 of the 7 stages. I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2011 and had to retire in 2016. And I lost a dear uncle to cancer last year (2016). But through all the trouble and tribulations, God has always been there with a comforting word and prayers, visits and ministering from my church friends helped us get through those tough times. There’s been good news, too. My aunt and cousin have accepted the Lord into their hearts and attend church with me. I helped a dear friend escape from my previous church and she is healing and attending Crosspoint, along with her grown children, who were also spiritually abused and hurt. My dear mama has also accepted the Lord.

Yes, when you’ve been in an abusive church for any length of time, things are killed in your heart and soul and things are broken down in your mind and emotions. Eventually you become spiritually crippled and emotionally damaged.

But the Lord gives us a time to heal and a time to build back up. It does take time and patience and a renewed walk with Jesus and the right church and people. And a whole lot of trust in God. It wasn’t easy and it has taken me six years to get this far, but with God all things are possible.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Now all things are of God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation, that is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation. ‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭5:17-19‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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A Time To Kill – A Time To Break Down

Part One of Two Part Series

When you’ve been in an abusive church for any length of time things are killed in your heart and soul and things are broken down in your mind and emotions. Eventually you become spiritually crippled and emotionally damaged. This is my story…

I was in the United Pentecostal Church all my life, that’s the only religion I ever knew and even though my mother never truly believed or conformed to the rules and regulations, that was where she took my brother and I to church on Sundays.

We went mostly to please my grandmother who was the matriarch of our family. She was a pro at shaming and putting on the guilt because she truly believed it was the only way to be saved and she prayed diligently for her family. Although I was the “strange” granddaughter with an analytical and inquisitive mind; always asking questions about why the church believed this way or where was this rule in the Bible, she just wanted me filled with the Holy Ghost and that would answer all my questions. I found out later that she couldn’t tell me where the rules and regulations were located in the Bible either, but she remained dedicated and faithful unto the end.

I was baptized in 1969 and received the Holy Ghost 2 years later at Youth Camp. But my mother didn’t believe the standards were necessary and got angry with my grandmother for making me dresses and skirts. It was a very confusing time in my life and although I had received the Holy Ghost, I still couldn’t find answers to my questions.

I remember finding and reading 1 Corinthians 11: 1-15 regarding women having long hair and I noticed when they preached on long hair this was the reference that they used and always stopped at verse 15. But if you read verse 16, Paul says, “But if anyone seems to be contentious, we have no such custom, nor do the churches of God.” Which basically says we don’t have this belief and it’s not a big deal. But I held my peace because it was just easier.

Because I was pulled between pleasing my mother and my grandmother I was in and out of church throughout my teen years. I got involved with after school clubs and was a Pom Pom girl my last two years of high school. God and church were on the back burner for me.

I married my high school sweetheart, a nice non-practicing Catholic at age 18. My UPC family members were horrified and my grandmother was very disappointed because she had been praying for me to marry a minister. His family was just as horrified that I was not a nice Catholic girl.

To keep the peace we were married in a chapel and the ceremony was performed by my UPC uncle. Our son was born 2 years later when I was 20 and we were ripe for the picking when we had our son dedicated in the UPC church.

This was 1977 and the church was still involved with evangelism and we were sucked in with all the other young married couples and gave our lives to the Lord…or so we thought…we really gave our lives to the church. My husband was baptized but hadn’t received the Holy Ghost and once again I started wearing the dresses and skirts, got rid of the make up and put away my jewelry. Since it was the 70’s I still had long hair. Once again I couldn’t explain the standards to my husband nor where to find them in the Bible.

My husband was transferred to another state in 1978 and we found a UPC church close to our home and started attending and they became our family. My husband was filled with the Holy Ghost and we had several couples that we considered close friends and we thought life was good.

It was here when the abuse began….the dictatorship…. we couldn’t miss church without calling the pastor, or go on vacation without prior notice, and the pastor didn’t like women working outside the home and leaving their children to be raised by strangers and of course I worked and was beginning a good career. Our pastor had a thing about cleanliness and would make surprise visits to your home and put a pair of white gloves on looking for dust. Our home was hit several times because he was trying to catch something on me to prove his point that women shouldn’t work. I became obsessed with a clean house and he never could make me his subject for a Sunday sermon.

I was put on the troublemakers list pretty early because I wanted answers to my questions about the rules and regulations and I even did my own research and wrote papers and gave them to my pastor and asked him to explain what I found. He would get very angry that I had the audacity to question his teaching and “convictions” he received from God. The only thing he would do is tell my husband to control his wife.

In 1982, after three miscarriages, we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl and our lives began to change and become more demanding. I began to teach Sunday School and I also became the pastor’s administrative assistant. He figured if I insisted on working I needed to work at the church. I really think it was because I was the only woman in church who could type and use a computer. I also was given a teaching position in the church’s Christian school and became friends with the other teachers who were not of the same faith. This was frowned upon because of our beliefs, but I persevered and held on to one friendship unto this day.

When my husband was called into the ministry, situations arose in the church. Instead of mentoring him, our pastor and his family felt threatened by my husband wanting to start a church somewhere in the state. Therefore we were not so kindly asked to leave the state and go back to Missouri, because he didn’t want “his” people leaving to attend my husband’s church.

In 1991 we loaded everything up and moved to Missouri to help my uncle in his UPC church to gain some experience. It was different to say the least. My uncle preached against everything. To him, if you spit wrong it was sin. I felt so trapped and stifled that I could hardly breath. We couldn’t even have a Christmas tree because he thought it was a sin.

Fortunately I was able to find a good job at a local college and one thing my uncle didn’t preach against was women working, because that meant more tithes. He knew everybody’s payday and like a bill collector he would knock on your door and collect your tithes. I loved my uncle but sitting under him for a year smothered me.

In 1994 a small church became available in a neighboring town and my husband was voted in as pastor. We had 9 in attendance our first service and 4 of them were our family. But those first few years were amazing. We saw new people coming in and being “saved” and our first fundraiser went to buy a baptismal tank.

My husband wasn’t hard on our people but he came down hard on our daughter and me. We had to make sure we were always dressed right and to sit and look pretty. Our son was to lead in worship by example and help wherever needed. When we went to sectional or district meetings, I was to be quiet and not talk or laugh and to keep my opinions to myself so he wouldn’t be embarrassed.

I continued to work for a few more years until the extra duties of the church, the District Ladies Ministry and the continued care of our children were too much for me and I became a full time pastors wife.

For a small church we were very active in puppet ministry, stick drama, choir, VBS, fall ladies tea, Easter and Christmas programs and community projects. The church grew to an average of 50-60.

I began teaching bible studies and the more I studied, the more concerned I became about what we were teaching. I voiced my concern to my husband but received a blank stare in return.

Around this time our church had some trouble and we had a split, losing a lot of people. This so upset my husband and I watched him change into a bitter and unforgiving man. He lost his joy and was letting the situation destroy him. I told him to rebuild or resign. He really just stopped doing anything.

Our daughter married a nice Pentecostal man (so we thought) in 2000 and our first grandchild was born in 2002. Then one weekend, while I was out of town helping our son move into an apartment where he was going to college, my husband did the unthinkable. He resigned the church, left me a note, emptied out our bank account and ran off with a worldly woman. I came home in shock with $12 in my purse. My life would be forever changed.

So I closed the books of the church and sat in several board meetings while they voted whether or not they were going to pay my bills for the month. I was so embarrassed but I made it through and turned in the church keys and left that town. It would be 18 years before I would go back.

With a lot of help from God and my parents, I was able to move my mobile home to a nice place in the St Louis area, file for divorce, and I secured a good job at a public accounting firm as an administrative assistant. I would eventually work my way up to Tax Supervisor before I retired in 2016.

Again I found another UPC church and started attending and tried to be a good Christian woman, although as a divorced woman I was marked. The married women were jealous if I even shook hands in greeting with one of their husbands and I was warned by the women to leave their husbands alone. I wasn’t interested in any man and I was hurt. Why couldn’t they see my heart was broken? That I had no interest in their husbands? Where was the love? Compassion? A pat on the back and a “hang in there!” would have been nice.

The pastor asked me to be the Ladies Ministry Leader for the church, which was odd because that position is usually for the pastor’s wife, but she didn’t want the position, so I accepted it. I was given a notebook of all the rules and regulations I was supposed to obey and be a “good example” for the ladies to follow. I don’t remember all of them, but being a faithful member and supporter of the church was close to the top, as well as dressing as becoming a godly woman and I was to exemplify the Proverbs 31 and Titus 2 women at all times. So I gave it a try and worked very hard for the next three years.

It was like pulling teeth to get the ladies to do anything or participate in any activity and they were not interested in Proverbs 31 or Titus 2. They were like the Stepford Wives. But they did enjoy honoring their pastor and his wife on pastor appreciation day and their birthdays and anniversary. They bought flowers and gifts and I tried making a suggestion on a gift but it was never good enough. One of the ladies told me that I just didn’t understand how much they all loved the pastor and his family, and they showed this by giving extravagant gifts and speeches, full of praise and honor. One year the church bough him a restored 1957 Chevy because he mentioned it was the ride of choice while he was dating his wife. I could understand why my suggestion of a $100 gift card to Bass Pro was turned down.

I never could get into the pastor worship and it seemed like idol worship to me and left a very bitter taste in my mouth. I managed to do three years as the ladies leader but I didn’t feel like I accomplished much. The ladies still acted like Stepford Wives, although I did manage to make one of the ladies that was in charge of the kitchen mad at me. So I resigned the position by submitting a letter and returning the notebook. Nothing was ever said to me about my resignation, nor about the three years I served. The pastor assigned his daughter-in-law to the position and she was hailed as the new leader and how she would do great things and etc etc.

I returned to college in 2003 to finish my Bachelors degree in accounting and going to school for the next three years, plus working full time and trying to be a good ladies leader, kept me busy. I remember telling the pastor (I learned never to ask) that I was enrolled in college and he was not pleased and thought it was a stupid idea. I told him I was single and needed to go to school so I could advance on my job and increase my earnings. Later I found out he wanted me to manage the church’s day care for $10.00 an hour. He thought that was enough for me to live on.

I persevered and graduated in June 2006 and received a promotion at work and a big raise, which increased my tithes significantly. I paid my tithes because I didn’t want to be put on “the list” that would get waved around during every sermon. He would be preaching and something would be said about tithes and he would pick up a list of names and wave it around yelling, “I have a list of names who are not paying your tithes. You are cursed with a curse and don’t come to me for help until you are paying your tithes because I can’t help you.”

It’s sad thinking back on those days and the people who were laid off and out of a job and couldn’t afford to put gas in their cars, much less pay their tithes. But couldn’t receive help from the church they supported for many years. Of course I understand that the new Lincoln pastor drove, and the fancy clothes and the newly remodeled home, was very important and needed tithe money to pay for them because they had an image to uphold….hmm.

Well with a promotion and big raise came more responsibilities and my work days became longer and I began missing the midweek services. Nothing was ever said to me for quite awhile and then only in passing that I was missed. I never thought much about that because as long as I wrote that check out every payday, attendance didn’t matter.

So after a year or so I was only attending Sunday mornings and by 2010, I was not going at all. It took the pastor 3 weeks to call me and I’m sure it was when my name came up on “the list.” When I told him I was not being fed the true word of God, and that in the 8 years I’d been attending he preached the same 9 or 10 messages and I named them: Tithes, women’s apparel, Tithes-The List, holiness, Acts 2:38, the coming of the Lord, communion, Tithes and attendance. He was offended, of course, and said some bad things to me about knowing better or something along those lines. I just said good bye and hung up the phone. I never felt freer than when I hung up that phone.

It was also during this time my daughter was going through a very messy divorce. Her husband was not a “good Pentecostal man,” but he never showed his bad side to the church and therefore it had to be my daughters fault and they took his side. I called and let them know very strongly about the abuse, the bruises and having to sneak my daughter and three granddaughters to a safe house for their protection. But it didn’t matter…the man is always right and they kept him in his positions at church and we were the outcasts.

That was my deciding factor that I was through with church and the Pentecostal ways. I knew in my heart that the doctrine was not “the truth” like we always heard; I had done enough research to know it. So my daughter and I never went back. I loved that taste of freedom.

Her ex-husband’s true nature was soon discovered when he was stalking a girl at the church and he started showing his creepy side and he was asked to leave. But we never received an apology, nor another phone call. Our days of being in a controlling cult was over and all I felt was relief.

I will end with this: When you’ve been in an abusive church for any length of time things are killed in your heart and soul and things are broken down in your mind and emotions. Eventually you become spiritually crippled and emotionally damaged….

Part Two will follow.

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Search for Truth on Holiness

Many of you know that Search for Truth is a home Bible study usually given to new converts. There is also Search for Truth II. Surprisingly to outsiders or those coming into Oneness Pentecost (OP), there is little teaching on what is called “holiness standards.” (When an OP person says “holiness standards” they are often referring to the dress code).

Most of the teaching in SFT is Bible teaching and teaching on the OP view of salvation and what it takes to be saved. In all of Search for Truth 1, there is one chart, and one page explaining this chart, on holiness in the teacher’s manual. This is out of 61 teaching charts for the student and the 133 page teacher’s manual. So, something that seems very central to OP teaching is more or less in OP teachings, a sideline. This can be confusing and perplexing to both outsiders and new converts. In Search for Truth #1, there is no teaching whatsoever on particular standards. In the chart shown in the photo, the emphasis is on holiness, separation and not touching the unclean thing. There is one quoted scripture about clothing, 1 Tim. 2:9-10 and it says “Watch Your Appearance – Women adorn themselves in modest apparel.” So, at this point the student is taught biblical principles only, and no specifics, at least as far as the charts themselves are concerned.

Once a person has been taught 10 weeks of Bible study according to OP doctrine, they sometimes start Search for Truth II. This is 12 more weeks of Bible Study. There is a mild teaching about separation-talking about the Jews, in lesson 4, chart 4 called “Holy People, Separated Unto God.” Then, there is much more Bible teaching about many things-dispensations, the New Covenant, etc. Only when you come to lesson 9-Chart 6 does Search for Truth begin to address any dress standards. So, the student has been sitting through at least 18 lessons before the subject is taught on in any depth.

First, the chart says “A Holy People, Separated Unto God.” Does this sound familiar? That’s because it is the exact same title mentioned before, on the lesson about the Jews being separate unto God, only this time, it’s about the Christian. Again, the focus is on the principles and about how Christians are to be separate from the world. After this foundation is laid, the author goes into Practical Application (in the teacher’s manual). Here’s where the actual clothing standards begin to be addressed.

The first thing mentioned is legalism. They define the legalist as someone who has no genuine love for God but just follows rules, so they head off the argument against legalism right away. This can and does happen (someone just following rules), as we have seen in cases where some who completely follow all these dress rules have affairs or do other things like them. Surprisingly, the OP movement believes that these rules are somewhat of a measuring stick to your spirituality, which is surprising since they admit you can follow them without following God. In speaking of legalists the author writes: “By obeying certain “holiness standards,” they hope to satisfy God’s legal requirements, thus earning their salvation.” (pg 210) What the OP movement does not admit to though, is that they believe, mostly, that you can’t follow God without following these rules.

There is teaching on not sinning “with your eyes.” I find it interesting what is all lumped together here: “By reading material that emphasizes pornography, nudity, sensual love stories, monsters, crime, violence, the occult or witchcraft.” (pg 211) So, apparently reading a monster story or a crime novel is akin to watching pornography, which makes little sense. It does suggest making personal determinations, which is valid. It goes on about not sinning with your ears (it mentions rock music and country music- which in my experience was an OP favorite- one of those contradictions that no one wants to address).

The lesson goes on. Don’t love the world. Finally, dress is mentioned. It says “When we look for scriptural principles, we find that they apply to every culture and every age.” (pg 211) Any Christian will agree with that statement! “Immodest apparel, then, would be any clothing which by its brevity or tightness reveals the body in a way that entices the opposite sex with lustful thought and desires.” (pg 211) Any Christian would also agree with this statement.

“To the women he (Paul) says: dress modestly, with moderation; do not wear gold, pearls and costly array.” This lesson seems to do a good job at teaching principles so far, but the definitions will come later in the lesson and in the actual church culture. “A woman’s clothing should be modest, rather than expensive and flashy, and that she should avoid extravagant adornment.” (pg 212) “Make-up could also fit this category…..several OT passages describe women who wore make-up…always they were depicted as evil, unfaithful, adulterous women. The badge of their wicked ways was adornment of jewels and make-up.” I think the writer forgot to mention Proverbs 31:22 “She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.” and Proverbs 25:12 “As an earring of gold, and an ornament of fine gold, so is a wise reprover upon an obedient ear.” Notice this doesn’t say, as a Jezebel wanting to seduce her lover, so is a reprover upon an obedient ear but it speaks of jewelry in a positive light. Or Song of Solomon 1:10 “Thy cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, thy neck with chains of gold.”

(Here are some of the lessons in the actual OP church culture, which I want to mention but are not mentioned in these lessons: Don’t wear gold in the form of a necklace or earrings, but wedding rings, buttons, tie tacks, cuff links, and hair decorations are all okay. Don’t wear pearls in the form of a necklace but pearls as buttons and in the hair are okay. Costly array, well, we never bother worrying about that one, especially at General Conference).

The problem is not the teaching of the actual principle. The principles are valid for all cultures and all times, just like was said in the beginning of the lesson….the problem is that the author begins to take personal preferences and interject them into the lesson, according to OP culture, leaving out anything that teaches a possible different view of scripture. As authors before him, he begins to take scriptures, make implications and suggestions and then drives it home with “Regardless of our preferences, God’s opinion concerning make-up and jewelry is what matters most! We want to please him!” This is a true statement when it stands alone. However, when implications are made that make-up and jewelry are wrong, scriptures are given to “prove” it (omitting any scripture to the contrary) and then the statement is made about “God’s opinion” and it leads the student to believe that OP cultural tradition is the same as God’s opinion, and that if you don’t follow OP culture and tradition, you don’t want to please God!

The lesson continues. Deuteronomy 22:5 is quoted and the first thing the writer writes is “An abomination is something that God hates!” (pg 212) This sets the student up to know that they certainly don’t want to dress like the opposite sex or they will be an abomination to God. Then, the definitions begin. The author writes about a male pastor preaching in a dress and that in another 50 years women’s clothing will be acceptable for men. The student, seeing the obvious shift in society, likely agrees. The author then leads in. “Eighty years ago, a woman wearing pants was labeled indecent and ungodly. Society has changed but God’s Word has not!”

The author leads the student right into the idea that God’s Word is being broken if a woman wears pants. However, Deut. 22:5 doesn’t say anything about pants. Deut 22:5 teaches a principle that a person should not wear that which pertains to the opposite sex. When a woman wears pants, does most of society believe she is wearing men’s apparel? No. Even in our society today, there are clear cut ways to show you want to dress as a member of the opposite sex. A clear message can be given. A woman in pants does not give this message even though it did give that message eighty years ago.

The author drives home more about “abomination(s) to God.” The author talks about different nations having different customs and says “Yet a distinction exists between the clothing of each sex. At a distance one person should be able to tell whether a person is male or female by their clothing. A unisex culture with no immediately observable difference in apparel is immoral!” Well, I can usually tell a man from a woman in our culture. Those that I can’t are usually intentionally not making it apparent.

The author then says we are reaping the harvest of confusing the roles of male and female in their clothing. “Men are acting like women and women like men; homes are breaking up; homosexuality is on the rise; children are being raised in a culture where they cannot determine their proper roles”. (pg 212) So, the insinuation is made that broken homes and homosexuality being on the rise are at least partially the fault of women who won’t wear skirts daily.

The writer then goes on to talk about hair length. The author writes immediately about “long, uncut hair” on a woman, quoting 1 Cor 11:13-16 (pg 212), leaving the reader to believe that long equals uncut in no uncertain terms, leaving no room for any other interpretation.

The lesson ends with a summary of principles and presenting our bodies as a living sacrifice. It leaves the student with a mind-spinning menagerie of things to think through. Mostly, it leaves the student with these ideas: If you want to serve God, not be an abomination to Him, please Him and live for Him you need to: 1. Wear dresses as a female 2. Not wear make-up or certain jewelry 3. Not cut your hair as a woman and have short hair as a man 4. Do these things to present your body as a living sacrifice and be a separate and holy person.

One reason there is so much fear surrounding questioning these definitions is that a woman (or man) must deal with these ideas: If I question, am I moving towards being an abomination to God? Am I contributing to divorce and homosexuality in our culture? Am I refusing to submit to those that have the rule over me?

Sometimes when a person reads Deut 22:5: “The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman’s garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God,” they actually see or hear in their head: “The woman shall not wear pants and men shall not wear skirts for all that do so are an abomination to God.” But that’s not actually what the verse says. Many of the other “holiness” teachings are like-wise. Then sins like infidelity, molestation and extortion get sometimes (unintentionally, usually) overlooked, while a woman gets scorned for wearing a necklace. It becomes a false balance. And what is a false balance? “A false balance is abomination to the LORD: but a just weight is his delight.” Proverbs 11:1

Here are some links for the Search for Truth PDF’s:
SFT I Chart: https://search4truth2.com/DOCs/study/search4truth1-chart.pdf
SFT I Teacher’s Manual: http://omsify.com/resources/pdfs/SFT1-MAN.pdf
SFT II Chart: https://mballestero.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/sft2chts.pdf
SFT II Teacher’s Manual: http://www.fullertonpentecostals.com/uploads/2/0/0/4/20047357/sft2man.pdf

SFT #1 was originally copyright in 1965 by Search For Truth and was later revised by the UPC in 2003.
SFT #2 was originally Light For Living that was written by Jerry Twentier and Marcella Willhoite in 1985. It was later revised in 2003 by J. L. Hall, Kenneth Haney, Philip Dugas, and Nathaniel Haney.

(Written for the Facebook Group-Breaking Out.)

Getting Out the Old Books: The Literal Word by M.D. Treece
Getting Out the Old Books: Guardians of His Glory by Gary & Linda Reed
Getting Out the Old Books: David F. Gray
Getting Out the Old Books: Joy Haney
Getting Out The Old Books: Larry L. Booker
Getting Out the Old Books: Power Before the Throne
Getting Out the Newer Books: Wholly Holy: The Vital Role of Visible Devotion
Search For Truth On Holiness

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Is Your Identity In Your Dress?

You can be known as a “jean skirt girl” – but why would you want your identity wrapped around what you wear? Or your long uncut hair? Or anything similar? As a Christian, shouldn’t we want our identity to be wrapped around Jesus Christ? And to be known by our love, one for another, as was the early church?

Do you not find it interesting that in the New Testament it is never mentioned that believers should be known by these things, nor were any believers ever picked out of the crowd due to their manner of dress or hair? Instead, it was the Pharisees who wanted to stand out among the people.

Lessons Learned: The Light Came On

Today I had an eye opener, epiphany, revelation, whatever you want to call it.

It all started out when I heard a loud KA-BOOM! I thought, sounds like a transformer. I could not see that the lights were out at first, until I went to the garage to let the dog in from the backyard and noticed the light in the garage was out. Then I noticed the electric clocks on the stove and microwave were out, too. Oh, goody.

So I texted the electric company to report and to make sure I did that right I called them. Two hours was the estimated time of repair – what they always said. I could not do much inside so decided to go to the grocery store for a couple of things and then go run another errand. As I checked out and was leaving, I noticed a man looking at me. I stared a moment and then realized it was someone I knew and he smiled, so did I, and then a younger man who was a worker there noticed me and said “Are you (my name)?”

I said “Yes. Are you ‘Little Tommy?'” (name changed for his privacy.) (He is not little now, probably close to 6 feet tall – his dad was known as Big Tommy and was very tall).

He said let me walk you to your car and I will also take your bag (small bag of groceries – 4 items lightweight). I said well, thanks, I am parked over there. So we got to may car and began to talk. He asked if I was in any other church. No I am not at the moment. Well he had gone back to my former church – his dad and stepmom had gone there at one time. So we talked a bit.

Of course he invited me back and I declined politely. He was always such a nice kid and was one of two boys (10-12 years old) who would wash my car. He ran the litany of who was still there, all my former friends (one he mentioned, I thought ‘not her’ but did not say anything). Some people who left the state seem to be moving back, too. (How nice, my private thought, a bit sarcastically to myself.) I told him that just because I left, I had not left God. He jumped on that and agreed, he had not left God either when he was out.

He also wondered why I left and I told him personal reasons (I was not going to get into exactly why – that the pastor’s wife and the pastor had done pretty much irreparable damage to my family. And that the last two years I sat on the pew I kept asking myself, “Where did they put Jesus?” and they preach “Christianity without the cross.”) We talked a little more and I had to get on, to do my other errand and get back home.

When I got home my lights were back on. I was sitting here knitting on a toddler sized afghan to give my hands something to do while I watched a show on Netflix and began to think about my conversation with Little Tommy. I began to have the conversation all over again but inserting some things I did not say: I did not leave God when I left the church four years ago. Jesus has always been my savior even before I ever heard of the church I spent 18 years in. They had stopped or maybe they never did preach Jesus. They preached a lot about how to dress, wear hair (cut vs. not cutting it). You must speak in tongues every day to be sure you still had the Holy Ghost (in other words, to be sure you are still saved). You must pray every day over at the church even if it means getting up after only four hours of sleep because church lasted until 11 pm the night before and it was midnight or after when you finally got to bed. All these things and more to make sure you keep your salvation. Rules, rules, rules.

I suddenly realized I was saved BEFORE that church ever became part of my life. I was saved when I did not speak in tongues. I don’t do formalized prayer (think prayer chart to give X minutes to each part of your prayer), I just talk to God like I did before I ever went to this church. No, I don’t go to church every week and have not been for nearly a year to any church.

It is hard to put down here exactly what I was feeling but I had to stop everything I was doing and come here to put this down. I knew all these things before and after I spent 18 years “in.” But being out four years has been helpful so that I can look back and see more clearly that by joining that church I was missing out on more of God than learning about him. Too bad I did not leave much sooner than I did. Lessons learned. The hard way.

It just seemed to come together tonight and was triggered by my meeting with Little Tommy.

One thing Little Tommy mentioned was that the pastor is not the same person as when he left years ago – the Pastor is the same man, but has changed. Little Tommy said he thought God was working on him. I don’t know how exactly but I thought that was probably good. But I still don’t believe I want to visit – everyone would want to drag me down to the altar and pray for me and I would not want that. They just don’t understand.

🙂