Category: United Pentecostal Church | Page 67

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #6: How You Are Treated

When one leaves an unhealthy church, how they are treated sometimes depends upon how those who remain perceive it.

If you are only seen as struggling in an area or being influenced by someone else, then your exit may be looked at in a more positive light. People may keep in touch, invite you to church services and functions, and the pastor may even encourage this.

If you are viewed as rebellious or no longer believing some of their teachings, you will be seen in a poor light, probably talked about more, and avoided or shunned. Some controlling pastors will tell church members to not have anything to do with you.

I remember leaving my former church for a few months before I left for good. I had been going through a rough time, had returned from being in charge of a church to a huge difference at my home church and had broken things off with my fiancé, which was very hard emotionally. During this time I was contacted by numerous members through mail and phone. this was prior to all the social media we have now.

When I left for good a couple years later, there was very little contact from anyone. Some months after I left, the pastor told everyone to turn off any recording devices during a service and he said some things about me. To this day I do not know what was said. He called other pastors from the same organization to ‘warn’ them about me. Various negative rumors circulated. I was definitely seen as bad and on my way to the hot place.

Yet when I left, I caused no problems and didn’t run around trying to pull anyone out with me. My leaving was done quietly and in a way to not bring unnecessary attention to it. But what triggered them to later turn on me, because the first several months after my exit there were no rumors or warnings?

I had been putting together a paper, mainly for my own studies, refuting their teaching of women not being permitted to cut their hair. A current member, who was a close friend, told the pastor about it after a harsh sermon he gave on hair. Only a very few had seen it and that was by their request after I had left.

How those at your former church perceive your exit may well influence how you are treated. Don’t expect many friendships to remain if you are seen as questioning or going against any teaching. The campaign against you by unhealthy leadership will intensify in an effort to keep current members in ‘the truth’ and away from you.

Living for God should not be so hard

Why is it so hard to worship God or have any kind of walk with Him?

I ran across a statement similar to this not long ago, I forget where.

The church I was in, when I was first there, seemed to be fun and I had no idea that worship could be so much fun. But then…but then. We had to be there (in church) as it was a requirement. Didn’t we love God enough? We had to shout and dance and cavort. Didn’t we love God? We had to be there at social functions like a pot luck – 100% attendance for the whole church. Saturday morning visitation in the freezing cold and wind in winter and the hot (95 at 10 am) humid mornings in summer. It was another requirement. After all, didn’t we love God?

If we were not jumping around during song service we were not worshiping. Sometimes the altar calls went to 11 pm. Most of us had jobs we had to go to Monday morning (and Tuesday through Friday too). And get up at 5 am to go to the church to pray before going to work. And then the revivals. One year we were having so many revivals I was nearly exhausted but that didn’t matter. Didn’t we love God?

Then there were the standards of dress and hair. Don’t cut your hair. Don’t even trim off one split end. Don’t even pull out the hard knot, pick it out gently (obviously said by men who had short hair). Skirts down to the ankle. A lot of the young women liked the “pencil” skirts and shuffled along. I sometimes hoped there was not an emergency where they had to RUN out of the church to save their lives. Splits in skirts had to be sewn down to the hem line. (Then one day the Pastor said we could sew them down to 4 inches below the knee which helped some). Sleeves down to the wrist. In our hot Kansas summers we could wear sleeves to just below the elbow. It was still too hot.

If you cut your hair you lose power. If you wore your skirt and sleeves too short someone was bound to be lusting after your knees and elbows. Give a Bible study or go to the “Bad Place.” Speak in tongues every single day so you know you still have the Holy Ghost. Pray an hour a day, everyday. Invite someone to church – oh the contests, we had to see who’d bring the most visitors! Read the Bible through every year.

The list just went on and on. I had lost sight of my Jesus. I did not like what I was becoming – judgmental about those who did not come to our church, the one with the Truth. No other church had the truth like we did. I remember sitting on the pew for awhile, thinking, “Where is Jesus? Where have they put Him?”

At one time, I was told salvation is so easy (pre-Pentecost days): Just believe on the Lord, He is savior and He died on the cross. The cross had all but disappeared. Like Fudge’s book: Christianity Without the Cross. Where had the simplicity of salvation gone? Why was it so complicated?

It was man’s rules that dimmed the hope of salvation and grace. Man’s rules that tried to keep people in control and in a church building. We were told God only lives here in this place. And we believed all this.

I don’t read my Bible every day now. But sometimes I pick it up and read a bit and it seems to mean more than when I rushed to read x chapters every night and felt guilty if I missed a few days reading.

Why should we feel so guilty if we didn’t follow all the rules? Why should we feel ashamed? Jesus did not preach that. Paul did not preach that. The Bible does not teach us to be/feel that way. Jesus really got onto the Pharisees about all their rules and regulations. Why do we need all that?

We don’t. Building a relationship with anyone should not be contingent on rules and regulations And so it goes with God. He loves us unconditionally. No conditions except that we worship him only and know that Jesus is the one who paid the ultimate price. That is why He said “It is Finished” and died.

I only hope and pray that those who are still following so many rules will see the light in Jesus and stop all the nonsense.

Informational post on speaking in tongues #10

This is just a little ‘did you know’ informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought. It is for those reading this blog series who wish to know my beliefs.

I believe in the gifts of the Spirit, including speaking in tongues, and that they are available today. In addition to the nine often focused upon in Pentecostal churches (1 Corinthians 12), the Bible does mention others. Nowhere can I find where the Bible teaches that tongues are necessary evidence of Spirit baptism or a matter of salvation.

There is a wrong overemphasis on speaking in tongues in some churches (as well as an equal lack of emphasis regarding other gifts), in addition to their misuse, like there was among the Corinthian believers. The Bible says very little about speaking in tongues, with the most being found in 1 Corinthians 12 & 14, where correction and teaching were given by Paul.

I believe the Bible teaches that tongues do not have a place in a gathering of believers unless there is an accompanying interpretation or unless there are those present who understand the language(s) being spoken, such as in Acts 2. This is based upon what Paul taught in 1 Corinthians 12-14 with regard to the gifts.

Nowhere in the Bible do I see speaking in tongues as anything more than one of many gifts of the Spirit that a believer might possibly receive. Paul showed that all do not speak in tongues and that we should desire gifts that edify all and not only ourselves.

In none of my blogs am I trying to discredit or say that speaking in tongues isn’t for today. They are not at all trying to take from anyone’s experience. What they ARE trying to do, is put tongues in what I believe to be their proper biblical place – one of many gifts of the Spirit a believer might or might not receive. I see it as nothing more and nothing less. They are also meant to bring attention to instances where things are read into the Bible and assumed, which leads to erroneous teachings. This includes the thought that tongues are an angelic or heavenly language or a groaning.

The main point I am trying to make with these posts is that in the Bible, there is nothing that tells or shows us that speaking in tongues is a matter of salvation, the initial sign of receiving God’s Spirit, or was expected and emphasized as it is today. The truth that it is mentioned so few times in the Bible, with the majority of them being Paul’s instructions on their proper use and showing how they were misused by a group of believers, shows that today’s overemphasis on them- especially in saying they are mandatory- is in error.

We have been taught things about this subject that are not true, often have not compared our practices with what we see in the Bible, and many can only see the teachings and passages through what their church teaches. It is important to allow the scriptures to speak for themselves and not be seen through the glasses of any church or organization.

Yes, There is Always Hope

So far, I’ve written about my stepdad’s difficulties with church that have arisen because of his toxic religious upbringing, his adoptive mother’s unhealthy beliefs, and issues with United Pentecostal Church family members. Now, I’d like to focus on the positive – a few people who have been instrumental in helping him start to break out from the spiritual abuse.

The first person who played a major role was Rev. Laura, the then-rector of the church we started attending when we moved back from Houston. Jon had never dealt with a female clergy member from a mainline church before, so this was a new experience for him. However, his friendship with Laura turned out to be good for him, and he actually started attending services from time to time, although his level of participation at this time was low. There was just too much stuff going on during this time with the UPC folks that it was hindering his progress.

Around the time Laura accepted a call at another congregation, things were starting to come to a head with the frustrating religious differences between him and the UPC family members. The experience of having a clergy member go to another church after a tenure of about 12 years (she had been at our church for close to ten when we started going) was new and took some adjustment. His experience with previous Baptist congregations, for example, had involved pastors with such long tenures that the congregations had more or less been shaped into the pastor’s image.

Our most recent rector, Fr. Les, arrived about five years ago, and he and Jon hit it off right off the bat. Even though he’s still gone slowly about getting involved with church stuff, I think Les has been a very positive influence on him, and I’ve noticed some subtle positive changes in Jon’s outlook during the time Les, who is now at a church in another state, was in charge. He’s actually given formally joining serious consideration, which is a major step. However, he’s also aware of and grateful for the fact that membership is not an absolute requirement to be fully welcome.

A few other good friends from church have also had a positive influence on him. By making him feel welcome, without a hidden agenda, he now knows that you can make real friends in a church setting. The fact that people at our church come from various backgrounds and have an assortment of interests outside the church has made a good impression. With the people in his family that were involved in the UPC and other groups, everything was all about goings on at the church, all the time. I think knowledge that the body of Christ is about the people, rather than where they meet, has been refreshing for him.

This has been most obvious when Les visited him in the hospital both when he was an inpatient and when he was having outpatient surgery. Being able to receive communion and the laying on of hands/anointing with oil without being a formal member has helped him be able to approach his involvement on his own terms. Knowing that he can participate as much or as little in the life of the congregation as he wants has made him more willing to be a part of things.

This part of the story is still ongoing, but I have every reason to believe he’ll continue to recover from the toxic beliefs he was exposed to growing up. With God, all things are possible! Please keep Jon, my mother and I in your continued prayers.

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #4: Remaining in the Same Organization

You leave an unhealthy or abusive church but are thinking of remaining within the same religious organization. You don’t question the main doctrine or perhaps believe you can help bring change from within. You haven’t done anything wrong, but are no longer in agreement on an issue or teaching.

Sometimes pastors take it upon themselves to call around to other area pastors within their organization, to ‘warn’ them about you. I know firsthand as it happened to me. I went to see a neighboring pastor, to decide if I might attend there, and he informed me that my former pastor had called with a warning concerning me. (He would have been fine with me becoming a member, though I decided that I could no longer attend these churches due to my changed beliefs.)

It is funny how some pastors, who feel that salvation isn’t found much outside their organization, will feel it is right to try and block a person from attending another church with their same ‘truth.’ Apparently they want them to be lost. Isn’t that really what they are saying with their actions? Or perhaps they are trying to force them to come back on their knees, begging to return. If so, that is pathetic, controlling, manipulative and sick. In the years since I left, I have heard numerous people share that their former pastor warned other pastors about them. (Another thing, that goes along with this, are pastors sometimes telling current members to have no contact with the person who left.)

If the pastor who is being warned is anything like the one doing the warning, then you will be told you are not welcome. They probably won’t even give you a chance to explain why you left. If they are not, you may have an opportunity to attend. There is a chance you could be welcomed openly, but there is more of a chance that you will be closely watched and not trusted, nor allowed to become involved. You may have to go through months of this before being fully accepted, that is if you don’t somehow ‘mess up’ in the meantime.

Should you find yourself in this place and not openly welcomed, you may want to consider the possibility that your reasons for leaving may not just be a local church issue (this is initially what I thought) and that there may be more wrong with the actual group than you thought. People are not owned by the church they attend, nor the pastor of it. And if someone is trying to keep you outside the walls of ‘truth,’ then perhaps that truth isn’t really what it is claimed to be.

If your church feels they have some special truth that the majority of people do not have, wouldn’t it be more fitting to do everything they can to reach out to you, even if they believe you are in sin or rebellion? Isn’t it better that you are saved, than cast aside and doomed for all eternity? From the actions of some, you wouldn’t think so!

In the United Pentecostal Church, no pastor is supposed to allow you to join their church without a letter of transfer from your former UPC pastor. This link on letters of transfer within the UPC may prove helpful as some pastors have wrongfully withheld it.

Many have attempted to change an unhealthy group from within and most are unsuccessful. These groups are often set up in a manner that is not open to the average member being able to bring about change. In some it is impossible. It is better to look to your own spiritual well being and pray for those yet within, than to remain in a system which may further hurt your spiritual walk.