Category: United Pentecostal Church | Page 56

Leaving an Unhealthy Church #11: Confusion & Not Knowing Who or What to Believe

At first, what had led me to seriously consider leaving my United Pentecostal church was not doctrine or standards, but a mess of problems stemming from the church owned daycare where I was employed. My best friend at the time was the head teacher and we’d been experiencing difficulties in our relationship. She was hardly there and didn’t teach (we ran under her teaching credentials). One thing led to another so in 1993 I turned in my resignation, which was effective at the end of the summer session. During this time I started to feel that it was no longer my church as the daycare events seeped over into church- a terrible feeling after almost 13 years as an actively involved member. I still recall speaking to one of the daughters of the pastor, who was no longer a member of the church but worked at the daycare, and saying that if things didn’t change I’d have to think about leaving the church as well as the daycare.

Needing to be able to think clearly, I took off and crashed at a friend’s home in West Virginia for about three weeks after I resigned and spoke to them about what had been happening. It was a couple I’d met in the late 80s who had spent time at the church and knew the people and how the pastor operated. They’d become like a second set of parents to me, arriving shortly after my mother had passed away and my father had moved out-of-state.

While I was in West Virginia, the pastor at my home church had taken an entire Thursday night service and played a tape of a Christian radio broadcast (read a transcript of it here) that a former couple from the church made on the topic of spiritual abuse. His reasoning was to show them what people were saying about us. The church members seemed very upset by this couple. One would not have known what church they were referring to unless they had known them since no names were mentioned. I didn’t like what I was seeing and was curious to hear this ‘horrid’ broadcast. I borrowed it from the pastor and listened to it in the privacy of my home.

My reaction was far from that of the many church members who heard it while I had been away. Though I disagreed in areas, I understood what they were saying. It caused me to start wondering about the validity of standards taught in the United Pentecostal Church.

From here I ventured to Pennsylvania for a couple days to stay with another couple who had previously left our church and whose present church had dropped out of the UPC. I took the tape with me, played it for them, and while they listened and agreed with all that was on the tape, I paced the floor. It was starting to really hit home about some actions made by the pastor and I was realizing he did some very wrong things. It was quite upsetting and hard to come to grips with it. Here I had been seeing first hand the other side of what had happened to others before me, due to my involvement with the daycare. None of it felt good.

Immediately upon returning home, I visited with the one pastor’s daughter and her husband and discussed some issues and spent a few hours at their home. Now I had even more to digest as PKs see and hear a lot.

I started seriously wondering about the standards taught by the UPC and ventured into the uncut women’s hair doctrine. I wanted to know the truth! Though there were some issues I had studied more in depth while a member, though I was seeing through UPC glasses, this is one that had only been looked at on the surface. Their explanation of 1 Corinthians 11 seemed to make sense and I had long ago stopped cutting my hair and followed the teaching. I wanted to please God.

The confusion hit big time as I started to delve into the matter. I had writings from the UPC to read as well as a few other things which gave differing viewpoints. One day I’d feel the UPC was correct and the next felt they were in error. Talk about wavering. I recall getting together with a friend who is a lawyer and we’d bat things back and forth, coming back at each other with responses that the UPC would give to different points we made. How was one to know for sure? Was the UPC correct in their teaching? Were they in error? I did not have the answers.

Upon further study, I decided to jump head first into the Bible, looking for any and all mentions of hair in both the Old and New Testaments. Surely if this were a principle important to God, it would have been taught in the Old Testament. Yet nothing was found there to support the doctrine. The confusion started to ease as I studied more and dissected 1 Corinthians 11. What had once been clear to me as a UPC member, now was not. My findings showed that the Bible did not teach that a woman could never cut her hair.

Having finally laid that matter to rest, an uneasiness came over me and a thought came: “Now just what else is wrong that you’ve been taught?” Oh, yuck! I didn’t enjoy that thought at all. Talk about feeling like the rug has just been pulled out from under your feet and you were wobbling, trying to catch your balance. Where did it end? How was I going to know? Was any of what I’d sworn was true really true?

These were some of my thoughts. I now had a leeriness toward pastors and would forever be changed in this area. No more would I simply accept what a minister told me without finding out for myself. No more would I blindly defend any Christian denomination as if they could not be wrong in doctrine.

Did all of the confusion magically disappear? Were all my questions and thoughts suddenly answered? No. It was a process…a process which varies from person to person. A lot depends on whether or not one is willing to tackle the areas with which they find themselves confronted. Confusion will diminish and go away as one comes to terms with any teachings/incidents they find themselves questioning. But I thoroughly believe, that as it was with me, that this confusion may not fully leave until one studies the Bible for themselves and rests their conclusions solely upon what it says.

This was part of my experience. Confusion, not knowing who or what to believe, is surely part of the exiting process of any abusive group. But there is hope and there are answers to your questions. Regardless of the turmoil one may feel as they go through this stage, trust that God will lead and guide you and open your understanding to what the Scriptures truly teach.

Dresses, Dresses, Dresses

Do dresses make you holy??? After I was declared to have the Holy Ghost, I did not receive any inspiration from the Holy Ghost to begin wearing dresses. In fact, being a teenager when I arrived at a United Pentecostal church, my wardrobe consisted mainly of jeans, shorts, and mini dresses. It was the spring time of the year when I began going to this church and the following summer, I went on vacation with my family wearing pants, makeup, and bikinis. Funny thing is I don’t remember having any feelings that this was wrong or that I was betraying the Lord in any way.

My main memory of beginning to wear only dresses came from my concern that I could possibly be seen by someone from my church with the wrong clothes on. I also remember my mom, who was not a fan of my new church experience, questioning me “so you’re not going to wear all those clothes anymore?” This new way of dressing had to become my passion because I needed a whole new wardrobe! And hey, dresses were going to make me holy, right?

At first, I was at the mercy of one of the seamstresses in the church who had a penchant for heavy double knits. I considered myself to be somewhat of a fashionista so before long I purchased a sewing machine so I could make my own dresses. This was the early ‘70’s when the only dresses you could buy were short and unacceptable for making me holy. Thankfully, a few years later hem lines dropped and I could buy some of my clothes. Until then, you found me spending hours and hours making new dresses. Dresses are serious business in my UPC church! You must wear your newest and finest for the big Sunday night competition.

All those hours I spent sewing dresses never ever made me holy as the UPC claimed. They did make me different which in UPC world is considered a good thing. They love nothing better than being noticed for their different way of dressing. Once the pastor called me to come forward before the congregation as an example of what he expected the women to dress like. Even then, I knew, as far as my standing with the Lord, dresses meant nothing.

For about seventeen years, I wore only dresses but when I realized I could tell a lie easier than I could put on a pair of pants, something was wrong. There was no holiness in my clothes or any inside of me. I was an empty shell practicing a religion of works similar to those who are compelled to wear a head scarf or holy underwear. None of these things are what God is looking at. He is looking inside of your heart and your motives for doing what you do. All of these outward things people do to make themselves acceptable to God have no value. Man-made commandments and doctrines are only self-imposed religion and will in no way make you holy. In reality, they only serve to make you proud of yourself, your effort, and your appearance. True holiness described in Ephesians 4:24-32 comes from a heart, mind, and will that is controlled by the Holy Spirit living within.

Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations—“Do not touch, do not taste, and do not handle,” which all concern things which perish with the using— according to the commandments and doctrines of men? These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh. Colossians 2:20-23 NKJV

Videos on Women only Wearing Skirts/Dresses

Just under five minutes, this is a video from a woman who grew up in a Pentecostal church. She refutes the holiness standard of women only being allowed to wear skirts and dresses. She also lightly touches on other standards taught by performance based churches and shares a little of her background and experience.

EDIT: Unfortunately, the person has made all these videos private, so they are no longer available.

Part 2 is just under ten minutes.

And part 3 is just over 9.5 minutes. Here is where she starts sharing her background.

Part 3b is just over six minutes. The sound is low on this one.

The final installment is just over ten minutes. The sounds quality fluctuates on it.

Concerned About Fellowshipping ‘Backsliders’

When people leave an unhealthy church, they are often concerned about fellowshipping ‘backsliders.’ They’ve been told we are bitter and want to strike out or pull them out. That may be true of a few, but many of us went to great lengths not to strike out. What we have said has not been said in anger, but to reach out to others who were hurt.

I was United Pentecostal for 19 years. I was thrown out of a church in 2000 on false accusations based on only the pastor’s word or decision. I moved to another state to join a different UPC to avoid saying anything to anyone about what had happened, under the pretense of going back to college. Only the new pastor and his wife were aware that anything had happened, and I refused to blame the former pastor. The new one knew I’d been thrown out, and knew the accusation. I wouldn’t defend myself. I thought that somehow he must have discerned sin in my heart that I wasn’t aware of.

At the new church, people questioned my move and didn’t accept me. I ‘held on.’ In 2003 my new pastor died. The man who took his place eventually started doing things that concerned me. In 2009, I left there after being named in a lawsuit by someone who had told me personally that the basis of their lawsuit was false, most probably as a supporting witness. I left rather than perjure myself or be thrown out for not backing the suit. I tried to find a different UPC. One pastor wanted to ‘swap stories’ about what this church had done to us. I refused. Several others wouldn’t take me without a full explanation of why I was leaving. And so I left UPC.

All that to say this: My story isn’t so different than others’ here. Many of us swore we’d never leave. We left behind friends and sometimes family. We loved God and church and the people there. We stayed as long as we could. But at some point something happened and we were forced to make a choice we didn’t want to make and didn’t plan to make. Most of us experience anger and confusion, but also a deep sense of loss. These boards can be a sounding board for those who are angry or confused, or disoriented by the culture shock of leaving, but more than that they are a place to sort through things, to discover, to learn, to grow… And when needed, to mourn together a loss that most of Christianity can’t comprehend, though the loss originates from some form of religion.

Blessings and peace to you all in the new year.

Mock United Pentecostal Debate- Mark McNeal & Marvin Hicks

Just under two hours, this is a mock debate between Mark McNeil (former United Pentecostal Church, 1990 Texas Bible college graduate & valedictorian) and Marvin Hicks, a Oneness Pentecostal minister. The first 11 plus minutes explain why this is a mock debate. It revolves around the Godhead issue, covering Oneness vs. Trinity.