Author: Mary | Page 19 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Going to church

I went to a Baptist church and a Nazarene church this morning… mainly because the roads were bad and they weren’t that far apart, and partly because I was curious how they were different and similar. As my sister noted in an e-mail, each church, no matter the denomination, is different. So my experiences in these two doesn’t mean I think anything particularly about the denominations; these were just two churches I happened to go to.

One thing I have been surprised by is that church is boring. *blush* I haven’t sat in a service where one person was doing all the talking for almost two decades- stand, dance, hop, leap, kneel, clap, say “amen” and “preach,” yes, but not sit. None of the services I’ve been in so far are very, ah, interactive…

Neither of the churches today had ushers. Neither seemed to take attendance. Whew! I like that! One had several Pentecostal type actions and words- raised hands and such, the other had none. Both had a group of four to five people get up on the platform and sing all the songs, both had projectors with words on them. (I’ve seen this at every non-Pentecostal church I’ve been in recently.) Both had loooonnngggg prayers… I have to laugh to myself; I’m guessing I could get my sweet hour of prayer in just by attending an hour and a half denominational service! Pentecostals take prayer requests for longer, but these people pray, in minute detail, about every request. It isn’t just, “Oh, God, you know the needs! Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah! Amen!” They seriously pray for their requests- every one. I really like that. They act like they really believe every need and every person lifted up is important. I like that.

One, the preacher was kind of in charge even when he wasn’t leading, and in the other, the pastor actually made a joke about how it was OK to have him for lunch if people wanted to, and that people could correct him if they wanted to, as well. He seemed almost *gasp* human!

Every Pentecostal I know that will speak to me tells me I should “get back in church.” I know they would disagree with me about going to a Trinitarian church. That bothers me. I like a lot of things about Pentecostal worship and praise. I even enjoyed ‘holiness standards‘ and teachings on Jesus’ name baptism and such. I miss some things.

But in Pentecost I’ve missed the old, meaningful hymns like the ones sung this morning, people being able to accept each other in their humanity, the freedom to make choices on my own without rebuke, and preaching on things like grace, mercy, and love, too. I need those right now. Pentecostal style worship and praise I can do at home. I’ve got enough preaching CDs that if I really want an Apostolic message on baptism, I can listen to one any time. And standards are my choice. So I’m glad that, at least for a while, I can be bored! 🙂

A Second Look

Not long ago, I left my church. I struggled with the decision for quite awhile before leaving. Several things pushed me to the final decision, but one in particular prompted an immediate move.

Since leaving, I have wavered a bit a few times. It was difficult to tell a few people I was quitting, especially since I still believed most of the fundamental doctrines of the group I was part of for so long. It’s also been difficult to talk with a few of them since then, when they asked me to come back. There are things that I miss about church, enjoyable things that have quite a pull for me. And I feel badly for dropping my obligations to certain people and activities. Some people are very hurt and sad that I’m gone, and that is hard, too.

Since leaving, I’ve been able to look at the situation from a few steps away. There were good things about that church. Friends and activities that I miss.

Last night I read something, and my reaction surprised me. It was a list of warning signs that a person might be in a potentially abusive environment. I had read the list before, and thought there were a few things that might fit my experience, but… Last night I reread the list, and was shocked.

I haven’t been thinking much about what happened there lately. I’ve needed to focus on gaining strength and healing and looking back wouldn’t have done that. Last night, reading that list, I realized how many excuses I had made for certain actions and attitudes I’d faced. Guess I just caught it at the right time. I’d read one point, and start thinking, “Yeah, they do that, but it’s just because…” and would catch myself doing it. Then I would consider what I’ve learned of grace and love since then, and realize there is simply no valid excuse for lying, vainglory, backbiting, gossip, favoritism, authoritarianism, putting others down, or cutting others off.

I knew those things happened long before I left. But they were really little things, opposed to “staying in THE truth.” Surely I could overlook the constant bragging from the pulpit. I could forgive the liars and backbiters and gossips for the harsh things they said, and I could forget the horrible rebukes of the pastor (without giving me a chance to explain) because surely he was just frustrated by something else. Maybe by being the scapegoat I was helping- I could take the rebukes, while someone else might backslide over being called those awful names and being misjudged. People who were shunned surely deserved shunning, and it must be for their good… even when it was me and I knew I’d done nothing wrong. Maybe God knew something about me that I didn’t. Maybe if I went through this one more thing, I’d finally be accepted and loved, too. And if I could finally gain the pastor’s affection, perhaps I could someday hope God would really love me, too.

Over time, I came to the realization that the Bible clearly speaks against most of these things. But still, it was “THE truth”… Only after stepping away and looking back at it, could I realize that those behaviors are never acceptable. If the pastor is a ‘man of God,’ still, by the same or better token, that makes me a ‘child of God.’ God’s love is unconditional. I’m not sure how far to take that concept yet, but I do know that God doesn’t stop loving a person when they walk out the doors of a church. We should praise Him, and not praise the pastor or any other leader more. Being in church doesn’t show our Christianity. We are not known as Christians for our attendance at a certain place or our dress or our ability to overlook negative situations, but, as Jesus said, John 13:35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

If there is no love in a church, or if there is little love there, and God is love (1 John 4:7-8) then, no matter how much shouting and dancing and running is happening, there is, by finishing the equation, not much God there. Beloved, let us love one another. (1 Jn 4:7)

Miscellaneous wonderings

To be bitter is to empower those who wronged you and, further, to wrong yourself.

We are told we need to reach the world, to be soul winners for God. Where is our witness? How can we win them if we don’t love them- if we only look for differences rather than commonalities? Especially if we’re mistaken about what they believe and won’t listen when they try to tell us, how can we say we love them?

What is so frightening about discovering our similarities? What’s so threatening about reaching out to them, where they are? Why is it easier to tell someone they are wrong than to discover something they are right about? Even in Paul’s sermon on Mars Hill, he found a way, not to say their idols were wrong, but to say there was more for them. He wasn’t afraid to go to their idolatrous place of worship, and he didn’t call it that. Instead, he found an altar “to the unknown god” and began to preach to them about One they had never known. He found common ground. Can’t we do the same?

Fears

I’ve been told so many times that “perfect love casts out all fear” and that fear actually enables bad things to happen in our lives since it is the opposite of faith. But not all fear is bad. For instance, I’m afraid if I touch a hot stove I will be burned, so I refrain from touching it.

There are some fears that I have relating to my former church, as well. It is a proverbial hot stove in my life, and I’ve been burned enough to know not to touch it again. I don’t think there is anything wrong with naming my fears, nor do I think there is anything wrong with being afraid. So it is time to name a few.

I am afraid people from my former church will cyberstalk me and will find and misunderstand my posts, afraid they will twist them and try to use them against me. I’m afraid that someone will vandalize my property because I left their church. I’m afraid that people will be hurt that I left and will cut me off without ever asking why. Mostly, I’m afraid I will discover by these types of actions that my former church is filled with the bitterness, strife, anger, malice, variance, gossip, racism, and hatred that I’ve sensed in some.

Fear isn’t always a negative thing. There is a negative, immobilizing fear. But there is also a type of fear by which we learn and are motivated to change. Maybe the original Greek, Hebrew, or whatever had two or three words to define fear. I don’t know. I’m no Bible scholar. But I do know that some fear is OK. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Obviously, that is a good fear, a healthy respect that motivates people to serve God. And if “perfect love casts out all fear” surely that doesn’t include a fear of the Lord. So there are at least two types of fear: immobilizing terror and the fear that promotes positive response and action.

The fear that I have is more the positive kind that motivates a person to learn and to respond. For years, I was immobilized by the negative type of fear in church. I was afraid to speak out against immorality and unethical behavior in the church. I was afraid not to worship a certain way or display a certain type of emotion, because someone might think something was wrong with me and I would be attacked. So I became a hypocrite, hiding behind the required fake smiles and amens in order to survive, when all the time the questions built in my mind. Had I been allowed to ask the questions, to grieve when bad things happened, to say amen when I agreed and remain quiet when I didn’t (without being rebuked for it) I would probably still be there.

Over time, I began to look for answers and meaning. Not being allowed to ask the questions or seek the answers in the church, I looked in the Bible. The answers I found surprised me and prompted me to action. I was still afraid, but it was a positive fear that prompted response. My response has included leaving a very negative situation.

Fear doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It doesn’t need to be negative. Some fear is healthy. Some fear is from God. After all, God himself should be feared, in a positive, respectful way. So, yes, I’m afraid. But not so afraid, or terrified, that I can’t face my fears, my concerns and my doubts, and react positively to them.

Choices

As I began asking questions, searching for groups online that might help, and looking for some answers, it troubled me to see how many times frustrated believers were encouraged to stay bitter toward a bad situation, and how many were directed to give up on God or their faith because of what a person or group of people did wrong. It also disturbed me that people thought I was leaving God because I was leaving a certain location with four walls. God is much bigger than a church building.

I didn’t want to leave. I loved church. Its sad when people feel they need to leave something they have loved. But sometimes we have to leave one thing to reach for something better. Life is full of leavings, after all. We leave our home to begin school. We leave our childhood as we become teens. We leave high school friends and family when we move to college. We leave college life to enter the workforce. We leave parents and siblings to get married. We watch our children grow and begin to leave us- going to kindergarten, jr. high, high school, college, and getting married as well. Through all of these leavings though, we can keep our character, and most importantly, we can keep our faith. We can’t keep God. He can’t be kept. But He can keep us.

When we leave the things I named above, we leave in order to grow. I pray, I hope, that its the same with church. There are many good things that I’ve learned as an Apostolic. I treasure those things. But I’ve been brought to a point, for now, that demands a leaving. To stay meant to compromise my beliefs and my conscience, and so would have meant to compromise myself and my God. Like in all other leavings though, I can go with God.

No matter what happens in life, we have choices to make. How to respond, how to react, what to say. We can choose to keep believing; that’s what faith is, after all- the choice to believe. And I choose faith. I didn’t choose to be hurt, but I did choose, for a while, to stay in a bad situation. It was my choice, and not something to be angry or bitter about. Definitely not something to leave God for. It was my choice, and I don’t regret it.

God loves us. Broken, hurt, wounded, even angry or bitter… and He still loves those who have hurt us, too. He asks them to change. Whether they do or not is not in our control. He asks us to forgive– not to stay in a bad situation, but also not to stay angry. Anger has its place. It is a good emotion for awhile, but eventually a person has to grow around anger or let it consume them. I choose growth.

I’m thankful for all those whose experience has been with good churches and good pastors. I hope most people never experience the things that some have. Still, within or without the walls of a Pentecostal (or any other church) we have choices to make. We are not exempted from choices by sitting on a pew. Nor are we freed from those choices by leaving one.

I hope those who have had trouble realize they don’t have to give up on God. I pray they take the time to untangle faith from religion. They are both valuable in their place, but when I was forced to choose one or neither, I chose God. And I’m glad. He’s not the one that hurt me. God is a gentleman- he will not force someone to do right. When we are wronged, that is not God and it is not the devil, it is a human being making poor choices. I can’t change their choices, but I can make choices of my own that will counter the affect of their choices in my life. Its my choice. And I choose God.