Author: Lois | Page 58 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #2: Anything You Say Can, And Will, Be Used Against You

You are planning to leave your church and are contemplating writing something, or talking to, the pastor. In a healthy church, this would be easy…but in an unhealthy one, it is best to be cautious.

We are familiar with people being read their rights upon arrest and part of what is said is that “Anything you say can, and will, be used against you.” Unfortunately, though an unhealthy church doesn’t warn you of this, the same holds true with them.

For years I have cautioned people against giving details in any email or letter they may write to a pastor when they leave. If you include anything perceived to be negative, it will most likely be used against you. That would include sharing any thoughts on doctrine being erroneous, how the church is run, problems, and so on. The letter itself, or portions thereof, may be shared with members and it might be featured in a sermon. In an unhealthy church, your observations and complaints may be shared in an effort to paint you in a negative light and to keep members from having contact with you. This, in turn, causes others pause who are having similar thoughts, by getting a glimpse of how they may be treated.

If you write a letter of resignation, and I would encourage it (more in a future post), keep it brief and simple. Avoid sharing your reasons for leaving. If you can do it sincerely, consider thanking the pastor or church for something that helped you during your time there or share that you leave with some good memories. I would not mention where you will be attending church, if you have decided that. (Some pastors will call the church to warn them about you.) By keeping it short and nice, you will save yourself some heartache and won’t be giving the leadership any ammunition to use against you. Keep a copy for yourself.

The pastor may push to meet with you, but understand that the purpose may be to persuade you to remain and perhaps tell you where you have gone wrong or attempt to scare you. While you may not have shared the reason for your exit, sometimes one can give off unspoken signals in the weeks or days before leaving. These may be interpreted as you being backslid, rebellious, unteachable, and anything else negative.

You have no obligation to speak to the pastor. If you know the pastor to be abusive, I would advise against it. Consider having someone go with you as a witness if you do meet. Be aware that sometimes they will take the opposite approach and perhaps even sympathize and promise things will change. This has worked in causing some to remain, leaving them trying to reach the proverbial carrot on a stick that will never be within reach.

For anyone interested, below is my resignation letter, with the church name removed. Today I would probably write it differently, omitting the part about changing churches. It was also written before I learned about spiritual abuse. Though he called fellow United Pentecostal Church pastors to warn them about me, I never heard of him sharing this letter with members of the church.

Dear Bro. Taylor:

Recently I have made the decision to leave the ___ Church and attend another church. I have not yet made the decision on which church this will be, but I am attending church services.

This has not been an easy decision to make, nor was it done hastily. It is not being done to hurt anyone. I feel that this is a move I need to make regardless of what anyone may think or say, be it good or bad. I myself have always felt that it was wrong to change churches unless you were moving, getting married, etc., but now feel that there are times when one may move on for other reasons than these.

I want to say that I have learned much from the many years I was a member of the church and have grown spiritually. There are things which you have taught that will always stay with me. I will always remember and love you and Sister Taylor.

Though I am still praying about which church to attend, I felt I needed to let you know about my decision to leave. I wish you and Sister Taylor the best. May God lead and bless you.

Again, guard your own heart in how you leave and maintain your integrity. And remember- anything you say can, and will, be used against you…..

Leaving An Unhealthy Church #1: You and Those Who Remain

So you may be thinking of leaving your church because you believe they are unhealthy, abusive, or you are no longer in agreement with some teachings. How should you go about this? There is a tremendous difference between leaving an unhealthy church and a healthy one.

Some become worried about how their exit may affect those remaining and what will be said about them. Unfortunately, in an unhealthy church you can almost never leave in a way that would cause people not to talk. I know it can hurt, but realize people are going to talk, even tell lies. You probably saw this happen while you were involved and maybe even participated. There isn’t anything you can do to stop it, so learn to rest in the fact that you know the truth about your exit and so does God. You will be spinning your wheels if you run around, trying to put out all the little fires caused by wagging tongues. It will also hinder your own healing and recovery as your time and energy will be spent on them.

As to those remaining, trust that God will take care of them. Yes, your leaving may hurt and cause some to question, even result in some shunning or thinking ill of you. Yet you should not remain because of other people. This is about your walk with God, not theirs. You should do what you feel God is showing YOU to do. Think of your own well being and what remaining in an unhealthy church might do. If God opened your eyes to what is unhealthy and/or abusive or to erroneous teachings, He can do the same for your friends and family. Just understand that they may not be at the same place as you and may not be for months or even years down the road.

Don’t try to pull anyone out with you when you leave as you may cause more harm than good. Each person needs to be fully persuaded in their own mind. Take care in how much you tell current members with regard to why you are leaving or have left- and how you say it. Make sure you leave with a good conscience and guard your own heart and don’t do things you will later regret. It is one thing for people to believe or tell lies about your leaving, but it is another to have to live with doing things you know you ought not to have done. Keep your integrity even if others lose theirs.

In the future I will share some other issues about leaving that are important to consider.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Tithing Food Stamp Money

Through the years I have heard reports of pastors demanding people to tithe on the food stamp/assistance money they receive from the government. This came up in one of our support groups again yesterday and I decided to blog about it.

Many churches demand that people tithe if they wish to be a member. Some demand it whether or not you officially join a church. Many claim one is robbing God if they do not pay the church or the pastor 10% of their income. (Some pastors claim the tithe all belongs to them and separate offerings go to the church.) The church tithe today is nothing like the biblical tithe and isn’t given to the same people, but I will stop at that since it is not the subject of this writing.

Those who are eligible for food stamps/assistance are on limited incomes. No one should be requesting these people to tithe on their food stamps. Is a pastor taking food out of your mouth, and the mouths of your family members? It is ILLEGAL. Did you get that pastors and church members? Depending on the amount of money involved, it is either a misdemeanor or a FELONY to use the food stamp money belonging to someone else. It was not issued to you, Pastor. You were not approved to receive the funds or the food which those funds purchase. Asking or demanding people to tithe on food stamps is encouraging people to help you commit a crime. You are jeopardizing their benefits. Demanding such, under penalty of the loss of salvation or a curse from God is despicable.

This has happened in Oneness Pentecostal and other type churches. A man named David has alleged that the late L.E. Westberg, a United Pentecostal Church minister and pastor, required it. (“Church members on government assistance was required to pay tithes on food stamps Darlene would prepare a list of food she liked and the members would have to pick it up.”)

If the pastor of your church has demanded such from you, DO NOT use those funds for the pastor by purchasing food items for him/her. If you have been doing this, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Do not allow the pastor to use your food stamps or card. Do not accept a list of items that the pastor or their spouse demands you to purchase for them with those funds. You do not owe the pastor or church one penny of that money.

Report any such pastor to the appropriate Office of Inspector General (OIG), USDA, as they investigate criminal violations of the Food Stamp Act. This PDF file will give you the proper address to send a complaint. Please do not give any pastor a pass on this. Even if you did not give in to the demand, others probably have. If a pastor is that bad off, then he/she should apply for their own food assistance.

A religious group is currently in trouble for taking food stamp money from its members. If your pastor requires this of you and others, he/she could be next and should be. It is not a matter of religious freedom- it is called breaking the law and greed.

Edited later to add: Thank you to Suzanne Calulu at Patheos.com and all those on Facebook, Google and Twitter for helping to spread the word!

Informational post on speaking in tongues #9

This is just a little informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought. This addresses the doctrine of ‘initial evidence’ as taught by the United Pentecostal Church.

If speaking in tongues is the initial evidence of receiving the Spirit (I am speaking of Oneness Pentecostal teachings here), then why do so many also expect continued evidence after one initially speaks in tongues? (Note: I know that all Apostolics do not practice or believe the above in regard to the necessity of ongoing tongues.)

As mentioned in a prior post, we never see again that those who spoke in tongues in Acts 2, 10 & 19 ever did it a second time. And yet many proponents of this teaching not only expect to see this happen initially, but also expect to see its regular continued use.

How many have been told to ‘pray through’ after doing something wrong or seemingly wrong or if you left their church for awhile? To these people, ‘pray through’ means to pray until tongues come again. They want proof that God’s Spirit is yet inside you. Maybe you need it yourself, too. There is no faith at all in this, proof is demanded. It is as if some believe God’s Spirit regularly hops in and out of believers.

Not only is there the thought to ‘pray through’ to tongues, there can also be things said from the pulpit like, “If you haven’t spoken in tongues in the past week (month, etc.), you had better check yourself!” Why? Where is faith? Do believers lose God so easily? Is God’s Spirit so fickle that at the slightest wrong, He up and leaves?

Things like these and more mean that the teaching is not simply initial evidence. It is really initial AND ongoing evidence to them. They have a need for a sign that they, and others, are still okay with God. This is not walking by faith or standing on God’s promise to never leave, nor forsake, believers.

Think about it. If tongues are indeed ‘initial evidence,’ why then is there such a push for the necessity of continuing to speak in tongues, especially when it is never found in scripture? When did you ever read Paul pressing believers to ‘pray through’ again till they spoke in tongues? When did Peter ever teach that if you haven’t spoken in tongues in a month that you’d better find out what is wrong? These doctrines are not taught, or seen as examples, in the Bible.

So, I say tell it like it really is. They don’t mean just initial evidence—they really mean initial AND ongoing evidence throughout your entire walk with God.

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.

Informational post on speaking in tongues #8

This is just a little ‘did you know’ informational post on the subject of speaking in tongues, shared as some food for thought. It goes along with a previous blog where I stated, “Did you know that there are only three instances in the entire book of Acts where it is said that believers spoke in tongues? They are Acts 2, 10 and 19. (Acts 8 cannot be included as it never once mentions tongues…)”

I believe Acts 8 should not be included in the list of passages in Acts which show believers speaking in tongues simply because it never once mentions it happening. It is not good practice to assume or read into the scripture and base doctrine upon that assumption. Do you really want what you believe and teach to be based on assumptions?

Even United Pentecostal General Superintendent David Bernard, in The New Birth, admits that this is assumed when he writes on page 231, “The account of Acts 8 of the Samaritans who received the Holy Ghost does not explicitly mention speaking in tongues; it gives no description of signs of their Spirit baptism. …It is logical to assume that this sign was speaking in tongues.”

So why is this assumed? It is based upon two thoughts:

1) Simon in Samaria and he offered the apostles money to have the ability to lay his hands on people so they would receive the Holy Spirit. It is said he would not have done so if nothing visible happened.
2) In the three instances previously mentioned, the believers spoke in tongues after the Spirit came upon them.

Let’s briefly look at these.

Something that is often overlooked is that before the two apostles joined them, Simon had been following Philip all around Samaria. There were paralyzed and lame people healed. Some were possessed and had unclean spirits cast out. Though Simon had bewitched many with his magic, he was impressed by these miracles and signs. He was obviously seeing much more than he had ever done. He had not healed or delivered those people. The NASB says that Simon was “constantly amazed” at what he witnessed.

In this, and considering what Peter said to him after he offered the money, it isn’t surprising that this happened. Simon had just seen a lot of miracles and the laying on of hands may have just been the icing on the cake, so to speak, which prompted him to offer money. Did something happen when Peter and John laid hands on the people? I do not argue against that. Yet we do not know with any certainty what occurred as Luke was silent on the matter. Perhaps they spoke in tongues. Perhaps something else happened.

In Acts 2 and 10, it is clearly stated that they spoke in tongues. Yet in Acts 19, it mentions both speaking in tongues and prophecy, without mentioning if all spoke in tongues and all prophesied, or some did one and some did the other.

Since we have only two instances in Acts where tongues are seen and one where tongues and prophecy are mentioned, is it wise to assume and teach that in Acts 8 it must have been speaking in tongues?

********
Shop at our Amazon store! As an Amazon Influencer, this website earns from qualifying purchases.