Author: Sailor | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Leave/Vacations and the Church

Other bloggers mentioned how difficult it was to take vacations or even visit family in abusive churches. My experience, especially when I was in the Navy, wasn’t any different.

For those unfamiliar, the military offers 30 days paid leave per year. Compared to civilian employment, it’s a sweet deal. The church I attended saw this as a golden opportunity to use its military parishioners as “free labor.” The leadership would exhort us to place the needs of the ministry first when it came to taking leave. In fact, we were told that if we spent two or more weeks away from the church on leave we were in danger of backsliding and we weren’t placing God first.

Special emphasis was placed on the Christmas holidays. We were encouraged to wait until the second leave period (usually December 30-January 15) to go visit family. The first leave period (December 15-30) was meant to “be available” for service members who “weren’t able to go home for the holidays.” While this by itself was a noble gesture, and even an effective outreach, forcing parishioners (in particular the single men) to sacrifice time with loved ones was a wrong approach.

For most of my 16 years in that church, I sacrificed my Christmas leave to participate in the activities and give visiting sailors and other service members a place to get away from the base. I only went home for Christmas twice when I was in the church; one such time was in 1991 when my brother, who was in the Air Force, had returned from a tour overseas and was visiting my parents and other brother in West Virginia. It was a strain on my family because they would have loved to have me home to visit more often.

Indeed, I spent a lot of leave time puttering around the church instead of visiting my family and even traveling and enjoy some personal time. Looking back, was I truly sacrificing my vacation to fulfill the gospel or was I simply another pack mule for the leadership? It’s painful to realize I was duped. If Jesus is truly the same yesterday, today, and forever, wouldn’t He be the same in a small town in West Virginia as in a church in Norfolk, Virginia?

When I left that church, I had two years left in my naval career. My departure occurred at the same time I transferred from a ship to my final shore duty station. Unlike previous leave periods, I took a long trip home. It was a good visit as I got to share with my parents that I finally broke free of that church and was trying to make sense of everything. I spent the remainder of my leave at my place, just chilling out and relaxing, even going to the beach. It was a big adjustment, being in charge of my own vacation time instead of being told how to spend it.

God still is first in my life, but now I realize family is very important. No organization should ever force its members to diminish the importance of family.

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Finances: Church or Family?

In my over 25 years of being involved in abusive churches, one theme seems to be common in almost all of them. Regardless of doctrine, they all sound identical when it comes to money.

I attended churches where tithing was taught as mandatory for believers. We were told that the tithe came first before all things – bills, taxes, child support, mortgages, and any other expenses. Malachi 3 was drilled in our heads and we were told to never rob God of His portion. The pastors and teachers always differentiated between tithes and offerings. We GAVE offerings, and PAID tithes.

One United Pentecostal Church evangelist shared a story where a single mother who barely made ends meet asked for counsel. She asked the evangelist whether she should pay her mortgage instead of her tithe since her income didn’t afford her the means to do both. His response was loud and clear: “I would rather miss a house payment than to make God angry because He wasn’t put number one!” To this day I don’t know if that woman ever got her financial situation fixed.

As one of the faithful men, I made sure my tithe was the first thing I paid. For over 20 years all seemed to be well; my military career was pretty successful up until I retired in 2005. My first couple years working civilian jobs went the same way. Good income, tithes paid on time. Bills and other expenses were on track with funds left over. Then, disaster hit.

In late 2007 my marriage began to fall apart, and in conjunction with that my finances took a dive. I was left to clean up a nasty mess left by my wife, and it drove me to bankruptcy. I went to the UPCI pastor at the church I attended for help and guidance as my dreams of marriage and family crashed and burned. The pastor’s first question was “Brother, why did you stop tithing?” He was quicker to ask that than to offer direction in trying to save my marriage. I didn’t know what to say.

Looking back I am appalled at the pastor’s priorities. When pastors and preachers tell parishioners to choose between tithing and family, it places a believer in a no-win scenario: pay the bills and be guilty of robbing God, or pay the tithe and be guilty of not providing for one’s household. Either way the believer loses, and that’s a terrible place to be. No pastor worth his or her salt should ever spiritually extort a believer like this. In my experience I even saw a family lose their home to foreclosure despite being faithful in their tithing and giving. To the best of my knowledge, the church never offered to help this family keep their home. They ended up relocating to another state and eventually found another church.

This is one reason why I have trouble now trusting church leadership. The leaders live luxuriously like kings while congregants exist in poverty. The tithe, one meant for the Levites (nowhere is it mentioned for the New Testament church), basically pays the preacher’s salary and the “Sunday Morning Entertainment.”

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Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 4

Continued from Part 3.

Having tasted the forbidden fruit of truth, I couldn’t close my eyes ever again. Action needed to be done. I worked on a reform proposal during the deployment, and I arranged a meeting with the pastor upon my return. I first went home on leave.

During my time home, I suffered an emotional meltdown. I was overwhelmed with the realization those whom I trusted the most lied to me about the most important things. I returned rested and recovered. The pastor left his desk and actually sat in the chair next to me – something he rarely did. The pastor then informed me my reform proposal was rejected in its entirety. I was floored. I thought for sure because I had been involved with the ministry as long as I had, plus was considered an elder, the leadership would listen to me. I was dead wrong.

A few months would pass before I finally found my exit. While I waited, I continued to read and interact with those on the website, realizing I couldn’t continue the charade of being in a ministry built on corruption and lies.

My moment came on March 19, 2003. A church meeting was held where we were all issued 3×5 cards where we were to mark YES or NO concerning our confidence in the leadership. I wrestled with the decision, but I believe at that instant God told me to write NO on the 3×5 card. It was time to leave.

Truth isn’t always pleasant. At the same time, truth is liberating. I have no regrets eating that forbidden fruit.

Rescuing Randy is one mother’s story about the harm caused by L.R. Davis, who started as a United Pentecostal Church minister.

Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 1
Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 2

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Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 3

Continued from Part 2.

September 11, 2001. Anyone old enough to remember knew where they were that day. I was aboard ship, and heard the order to go underway; I would be deployed for seven months, most of that time in the Indian Ocean.

A few months into the deployment, the woman who created the website with her husband reported aboard the same ship where I was stationed. Almost immediately shipmates approached me, wanting to know why we were so polarized when we attended the same church and believed very much the same things. I prayed about talking to her because I wanted answers.

What was intended to be a brief Q and A session became a two hour conversation that opened my eyes to the ugly truth about the founder. She told me how, during her shore duty tour, she was able to obtain a copy of the court records concerning the founder’s trial and conviction. I listened closely as she shared of how the founder allegedly attacked her husband when he was a single man in the church. I could tell she wasn’t lying to me.

I realized I could no longer defend the founder anymore. I read through the court records, and my mind was blown. So many people whom I thought were pillars in the church were implicated in the closed door activities. I couldn’t believe it at first, but the truth was there in stark black and white. I had been duped into thinking we were such a holy bunch, but in reality there were two groups within the church. There was the majority, who made the church look wonderful on the outside. Then there was this – the dark inner circle where all the secrets and lies were kept.

What was I going to do with this knowledge?

Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 1

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Eating the Forbidden Fruit of Truth Part 2

Continued from Part 1.

I read the website with great interest. I personally knew the husband and wife, and deep down I knew they were decent people. I just didn’t understand at the time how they could speak so much against a ministry we were told was on fire for the gospel and we were commissioned to carry the Good News to the world.

On days I was tasked with working at the church office, I played the obedient servant role to a T. I never once accessed the website at church, only at home or aboard ship. I did, however, witness the pastor’s wife reading through it intently. I never asked her why she was so interested. I don’t believe at that time anyone in the church suspected I was looking for answers in forbidden places.

My quest for answers took a new turn while home on leave. The forbidden website opened message boards where I could create a username and participate. Using an alias, I began to communicate on the boards and interacted with other former members. I saw a consistency in their testimonies that I couldn’t deny. I also noticed they too were people I considered close friends. What caused them all to leave?

The pastors would tell us Satan deceived those who left, and they believed a lie about the ministry just as the apostle Paul said concerning “strong delusion.” It didn’t matter. I still had a desire to know more.

The events after September 11 would set me up for a meeting that would lead to my eventual departure from the church where I labored for almost 17 years.

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