Author: Sailor

In my years attending abusive churches, it was a common practice to hear the pastor bash various lifestyles and forms of entertainment from the pulpit. In fact, it was at times encouraged to openly protest and confront those who supported those things. I wonder if we unintentionally created audiences by creating controversy.

My dad always says “If you don’t like a certain TV show, don’t watch it.” His simple approach allows for one to make his or her stand while not raising a stink everywhere else. The pastors, on the other hand, wanted us to be the “faithful watchmen” and warn everyone we met about the spiritual dangers associated with certain forms of secular entertainment, fashion, and literature. I couldn’t help but reflect on certain cultural phenomena that received massive exposure and monetary gain despite controversy.

Example 1: 2 Live Crew was an obscure rap group from Miami, Florida who didn’t receive major exposure until late 1989 when there was much controversy surrounding the lyrics in their album As Nasty As They Wanna Be. After the controversy occurred, 2 Live Crew achieved major success nationally and their coffers were much fuller than before.

Example 2: Many preachers voiced concern over the Harry Potter books written by J.K. Rowling. The protests backfired here too: Rowling’s books all became best sellers, and the movies were a hugely successful franchise.

Example 3: Legendary rock band AC/DC was blasted by pulpits for decades for songs like “Highway to Hell.” The controversy probably played a big role in that band’s success as many of their albums are on the all-time best seller lists, and AC/DC still plays to packed houses after 45 years of touring and recording.

Example 4: Since its debut in 1953, Playboy magazine has been the target of pulpits claiming the adult magazine objectifies women. This didn’t slow sales nor curb women from posing for the photos that made Playboy famous. Instead, it may have increased them.

As I reflect on these and other examples, I have to wonder. Did I help create the audiences unintentionally? Human nature often shows us people are curious by things that are considered forbidden, immoral, or illegal. The more attention given, the more curious people become. As we were out there protesting and “warning” others, we may have instead led more people into those things.

I also wonder how many of us who protested in public actually enjoyed those things in private. None of these things are sinful in of themselves, but if we have our shorts in a bunch over minor issues like these, how can we focus on the serious sin issues that not just threaten our society, but us personally? We also fail to realize that those who don’t know Christ will not receive our protests. They need to know the love of Christ first, then they will look to His example not ours.

Indeed, my dad is much wiser than many pastors when it comes to dealing with “offensive” material. It’s better to not give such things an audience in the first place.

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Before I dive into this account, I misspelled the word “fallacy” on purpose. It’s a reference to the disturbing and tainted legacy of my former church’s founder. The story I share concerns a “prophecy” the founder made over 30 years ago that never came to pass. Still, a lot of my friends fell for the sales pitch.

Thanksgiving weekend, 1987, was supposed to be a fun time for everyone. Most normal people, unless they were on duty, went home on leave to visit loved ones. I didn’t have enough leave yet to take an extended vacation, so I joined the rest of the guys at the church for a big Thanksgiving dinner at a Norfolk supper club, hosted by the founder. The dinner would wrap up and we would load up in vans and return to the church for an evening service.

The founder stated that night what we thought was a prophecy:
“Behold, thus saith the Lord; give Me 200 men who did not care where they ate, where they slept, where they lived, or whether or not they ever get married. If you give Me this, I will use you to win the world with the gospel.”

We were worshiping and praising the Lord for what we considered at that time to be a powerful message of prophecy. We believed God was going to use all of us to go out into the mission fields around the world. The message on the surface sounded noble. However, the founder was known to preach a doctrine called “eunuchship.” Eunuchship was based on a scripture in Matthew’s gospel.

Matthew 19:12 (KJV)
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

This is the only place in the New Testament where Jesus spoke of this. The founder encouraged men to make a vow never to get married for “the gospel’s sake;” those who did were seen as an elite group in the ministry. I never made this vow. The men who did would find themselves cheated over time.

The single men in the ministry often lived in crowded apartments, sometimes up to six in a two bedroom unit. We would spend almost every waking moment doing busywork at the church, being basically free labor for the leadership and in some cases sex partners for the founder. Yes, the founder was a closeted homosexual yet he preached vehemently against homosexuality in public. Lack of sleep, no social life, little time for personal pursuits were common and we as a group endured it because we had this promise – especially those of us who “made the vow” – God would send us out.

As the years and decades passed, this promise fell flat. Only a small number of us who followed what the founder said ever got sent out. The majority were stuck at the church building, working low wage jobs, became socially isolated, and never fulfilled their dreams. These men, once young, grew old and lost the relationships that mattered most: family, friends, professional achievements.

After leaving, I realized how bogus the “phallacy” really was. I count myself thankful to God for never tossing my life away to that extent; I lost enough years as it was. I wanted to tell some of my friends who still attend how they’ve been cheated. They more than likely would reject me, stating I backslid and am reprobate. They still believe if they remain faithful, they will be sent.

These men will go to their graves never realizing the whole “prophecy” over 30 years ago was all a scam, meant to provide free labor and sex partners. In other words, a “phallacy.”

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Some of us who left the abusive church environment faced an identity crisis. After years, even decades, of involvement, the church is a part of us. Its structure and belief systems are part of who we were.

In nearly 27 years of being deeply involved in the church, it was a very crucial part of what made me the man I became. When talking to others, I shared how I was a Christian, a licensed minister in a church, and a member of our nation’s armed forces. My faithfulness in the church and my military career were deeply intertwined; I saw each milestone as not only a moment of personal achievement, but a testimony of how God used me to be an example to the men and women I served with. As I advanced in rank and earned my warfare qualifications in the Navy, the pastor also shared this with the congregation. We had a large number of men and women in the church who served in the military and had the same testimony. We made the church look great through our personal successes.

20 years of faithful, honorable service led to the privilege of retiring from the Navy. As I made the move to civilian life, I wanted to use the same drive to be that testimony to the people around me. I sought to be the best I could be in “the real world” just as I did in the service. My identity was still one where church, career, and service were intertwined. Each achievement on the job I took as an example of how God used me to be that example to everyone around me.

Then, the day came where everything was stripped from me. A year after starting a new job, I asked about changes in the church’s direction and teachings. I felt we were drifting from biblical teachings to a more watered down message. I sensed a loss of urgency in preaching the gospel. I also questioned why the church changed its name, removing ‘Apostolic‘ from it.

I voiced my concerns about embracing the 501(c)(3) IRS code, which places restrictions on what churches can and cannot say. There was also the discovery, through the state sex offender registry, that a church elder served time in prison for molesting an underage girl. Note: I didn’t have an opportunity to discuss the issue concerning the elder, but others did after my departure. I voiced my concerns to another elder, and my response was “I understand, brother, but HE’s the pastor.” This was a polite way of saying I was no longer welcome.

The reality of that statement floored me as I drove home. Decades of dedication to the church, forging a crucial part of what made me the man I became, was rendered void in one 10 second answer. My identity was taken away from me.

I have no answers to anyone at this time on how to find or create a new identity after being stripped by the church. I’m still working on that myself. I know I still believe in Jesus Christ, am a proud veteran, and a loving soul. At the same time, being booted from the church stripped me of a major part of my identity. I still struggle as many do in finding a church home where I can feel wanted, safe, and able to make a difference.

God bless us all as we reconstruct our lives in Him.

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Other bloggers mentioned how difficult it was to take vacations or even visit family in abusive churches. My experience, especially when I was in the Navy, wasn’t any different.

For those unfamiliar, the military offers 30 days paid leave per year. Compared to civilian employment, it’s a sweet deal. The church I attended saw this as a golden opportunity to use its military parishioners as “free labor.” The leadership would exhort us to place the needs of the ministry first when it came to taking leave. In fact, we were told that if we spent two or more weeks away from the church on leave we were in danger of backsliding and we weren’t placing God first.

Special emphasis was placed on the Christmas holidays. We were encouraged to wait until the second leave period (usually December 30-January 15) to go visit family. The first leave period (December 15-30) was meant to “be available” for service members who “weren’t able to go home for the holidays.” While this by itself was a noble gesture, and even an effective outreach, forcing parishioners (in particular the single men) to sacrifice time with loved ones was a wrong approach.

For most of my 16 years in that church, I sacrificed my Christmas leave to participate in the activities and give visiting sailors and other service members a place to get away from the base. I only went home for Christmas twice when I was in the church; one such time was in 1991 when my brother, who was in the Air Force, had returned from a tour overseas and was visiting my parents and other brother in West Virginia. It was a strain on my family because they would have loved to have me home to visit more often.

Indeed, I spent a lot of leave time puttering around the church instead of visiting my family and even traveling and enjoy some personal time. Looking back, was I truly sacrificing my vacation to fulfill the gospel or was I simply another pack mule for the leadership? It’s painful to realize I was duped. If Jesus is truly the same yesterday, today, and forever, wouldn’t He be the same in a small town in West Virginia as in a church in Norfolk, Virginia?

When I left that church, I had two years left in my naval career. My departure occurred at the same time I transferred from a ship to my final shore duty station. Unlike previous leave periods, I took a long trip home. It was a good visit as I got to share with my parents that I finally broke free of that church and was trying to make sense of everything. I spent the remainder of my leave at my place, just chilling out and relaxing, even going to the beach. It was a big adjustment, being in charge of my own vacation time instead of being told how to spend it.

God still is first in my life, but now I realize family is very important. No organization should ever force its members to diminish the importance of family.

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In my over 25 years of being involved in abusive churches, one theme seems to be common in almost all of them. Regardless of doctrine, they all sound identical when it comes to money.

I attended churches where tithing was taught as mandatory for believers. We were told that the tithe came first before all things – bills, taxes, child support, mortgages, and any other expenses. Malachi 3 was drilled in our heads and we were told to never rob God of His portion. The pastors and teachers always differentiated between tithes and offerings. We GAVE offerings, and PAID tithes.

One United Pentecostal Church evangelist shared a story where a single mother who barely made ends meet asked for counsel. She asked the evangelist whether she should pay her mortgage instead of her tithe since her income didn’t afford her the means to do both. His response was loud and clear: “I would rather miss a house payment than to make God angry because He wasn’t put number one!” To this day I don’t know if that woman ever got her financial situation fixed.

As one of the faithful men, I made sure my tithe was the first thing I paid. For over 20 years all seemed to be well; my military career was pretty successful up until I retired in 2005. My first couple years working civilian jobs went the same way. Good income, tithes paid on time. Bills and other expenses were on track with funds left over. Then, disaster hit.

In late 2007 my marriage began to fall apart, and in conjunction with that my finances took a dive. I was left to clean up a nasty mess left by my wife, and it drove me to bankruptcy. I went to the UPCI pastor at the church I attended for help and guidance as my dreams of marriage and family crashed and burned. The pastor’s first question was “Brother, why did you stop tithing?” He was quicker to ask that than to offer direction in trying to save my marriage. I didn’t know what to say.

Looking back I am appalled at the pastor’s priorities. When pastors and preachers tell parishioners to choose between tithing and family, it places a believer in a no-win scenario: pay the bills and be guilty of robbing God, or pay the tithe and be guilty of not providing for one’s household. Either way the believer loses, and that’s a terrible place to be. No pastor worth his or her salt should ever spiritually extort a believer like this. In my experience I even saw a family lose their home to foreclosure despite being faithful in their tithing and giving. To the best of my knowledge, the church never offered to help this family keep their home. They ended up relocating to another state and eventually found another church.

This is one reason why I have trouble now trusting church leadership. The leaders live luxuriously like kings while congregants exist in poverty. The tithe, one meant for the Levites (nowhere is it mentioned for the New Testament church), basically pays the preacher’s salary and the “Sunday Morning Entertainment.”

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