I recently received word a man I knew from my former church passed away after battling a long illness for years. While the details of his illness are not known, the part that stands out to me is whether or not the individual made peace with his family as well as with his Maker.
I attended and worshiped at the same church with him for over 16 years. We sat in the same lectures from the pulpit about how we were to place our “calling” above all other relationships, including those with our loved ones. Some of us had intimate relationships with a significant other (I had a girlfriend when I joined the church, and still maintain my involvement ended our relationship). One of the Scriptures used to teach us the priority of our ministerial calling was found in Matthew.
Matthew 19:29 (KJV) – And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.
We were told for the longest time that if we spent more of our vacation/leave time with our families instead of the church, we were wrong. Some of my friends in the church admitted they completely ruined their relationships with parents and siblings all in the name of obedience to the church and its teachings. I was fortunate not to have done this, but nonetheless my own family relations were strained.
My friend who passed recently was one of those whose devotion to what he felt was God’s calling – remaining single, forsaking family, and devoting every waking moment to the ministry – took a serious toll on him over the years. As his health deteriorated, the one question unanswered is this: did he reconsider some of his decisions and make amends with loved ones who weren’t part of the church? I pray he did, but will never know.
Some of the men who still attend are in similar straits. Their only family is in the church; their natural family relationships are strained almost beyond repair. A couple of them are left with no option as they have no surviving family members left. That is just as bad, as they have no one to turn to outside the church.
I still believe Jesus wants us to place Him first, but not completely sever family ties in doing so. How can destroying a relationship with one’s parents fulfill this Scripture?
Exodus 20:12 (KJV) – Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
Answer: It doesn’t.
Author: Sailor
Former minister in an abusive church, attended such churches for over 25 years. Still a believer in Jesus. Retired US Navy.
Surviving a Monster
My appearances on the blogs have been sporadic since moving to Oklahoma in late 2020. My focus has been with my son and daughter, who live over the state line in Kansas with their mom. When not at work or spending time with my kids, I am enjoying my days with my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I watched an episode of Monster in My Family. The episode was about John Wayne Gacy, the infamous serial killer who was convicted of murdering 32 men and teen males. During an interview with a man who escaped Gacy, the survivor said something that triggered me and made me realize the parallels between Gacy and the former pastor of the abusive church I attended for over 16 years.
The survivor escaped an attempt by Gacy to handcuff him and managed to place the cuffs on the killer; Gacy told him in a laughing manner that he “was testing him.” This made me upset.
The founder of the church I attended was known to test people to see if they would be potential male partners. He tried to approach me but I turned him away. Still, the memory remained and after watching this show, I couldn’t help but notice similarities between my former pastor and the most infamous serial killer in US history.
Both men put on a good front. They were seen as upstanding, charitable people who gave the appearance of helping others in their community. Both were closet homosexuals who lived double lives. Both deceived many people by their actions. The one main difference was Gacy killed his victims. The pastor didn’t, but left lasting scars his victims lived with for a lifetime.
The families of both men reacted differently. Gacy’s sister, who was interviewed for the program, was deeply saddened and devastated when she realized what a monster her brother was. To my knowledge, the family of the founding pastor never attempted to mend bridges or reach out to his victims. They instead tried to keep everything quiet. They insisted he was a mighty man of God, so when I read the court records (transcripts are no longer available online due to the host website being shut down) I was deeply hurt. I was lied to and deceived as well as having been approached.
My girlfriend and I spoke for a while about the comparisons. I am grateful my former pastor didn’t try to go down the path John Wayne Gacy did, but watching the program and looking at those similarities confirmed he was a monster like the killer. Like the survivor in the interview, I too was glad to be able to escape.
Betrayed by Prophecy
It’s been some time since I last shared an experience here. With a crazy work schedule and issues involving my kids, it’s been busy for me of late. Tonight I was in a discussion about prophecies made that were never fulfilled. It brought back some really painful memories.
In 2011, I was invited to a United Pentecostal Church Men’s Conference for the Maryland/DC District in Arnold, Maryland. For a good part of the afternoon I had a good visit with different people from congregations in the area I never met before. We got to hear a couple of men speak. One was drawn out and sounded more like a prosperity gospel preacher (think Robert Tilton or a toned down Kenneth Copeland). His name I don’t remember. The next speaker was a man I now wish would have kept his fool mouth shut.
Doug Klinedinst is a major player in the UPCI. He is active in international evangelism for the organization. After delivering his sermon, Doug called us all to the front of the church where we began to pray and he started to prophesy over people. He looked directly at me and said, “I never met you before but the Lord showed me you have a storm going in your life. Brother, that storm is coming to an end!” In good faith I rejoiced and even spoke in tongues, believing the marital problems I had along with stuff I dealt with at work was going to be resolved.
That ‘prophecy’ was anything but true. In fact, the storm got worse not better. First, in December 2011 I was laid off. I found work a few weeks later but was making less than half what I earned at my previous employer. The marital issues became a royal mess. Finally, in 2013 I was kicked out of the UPCI church I attended in Essex, Maryland. That congregation is still around but is no longer affiliated with the UPCI.
I would later write a lengthy and detailed correspondence to Doug explaining what happened and asked for an apology to own up for his actions. To this day he never answered me.
Do I still believe in spiritual gifts? Yes I do! Am I going to be so quick to file down the altar to be prophesied over? No way!
Regrets About Not Visiting Family
Recently at work a wave of sadness hit me. It started with reflections of a recent trip to West Virginia to visit my mom and dad; my dad mentioned something about taking a “real” vacation as in going to the Bahamas. I reminded him that with only 15 days vacation per year, I wanted to spend that time with family. That’s considerably less than 30 days leave when I served in the Navy. I split that time with my parents in West Virginia and my kids in Kansas as I presently live in Maryland.
In a way, one could say I am trying to atone for neglecting time with loved ones when I was in an abusive church. The founding pastor was very adamant about devoting time to “the ministry” – he even went so far as to say that if we spent more leave time at home than helping out at the church, something was wrong in our walk with God. He even claimed people backslide when they spent two or more weeks of leave visiting family.
As a faithful member, minister, and elder, I did my best to divide my time between church and family to “stay faithful.” My parents, however, didn’t like the fact I would be at the church over the Christmas and other major holidays, and wished I could have come home instead. This strained my relationship with my mom and dad, and it’s taken the entire time since I left to repair the damage.
For those who may not know, Steven Hassan wrote about this and other forms of controlling behavior by abusive churches. His BITE model (Behavior, Information, Thought, and Emotional Control) illustrated how this was designed to isolate people and make them easier to manipulate.
After learning about how I was led to believe the founder was a mighty man of God only to realize he was a criminal and scoundrel, I was devastated. I devoted so many years of my life and sacrificed even my relationship with my family, and for what? To be lied to? It’s a miracle of God I still believe in Him.
This is why I make more of an effort now to spend time with loved ones. We’re all getting older, and there’s no guarantee another opportunity will arise.
When Extreme Churches Collide
Many of the blogs shared cover some deep, even painful topics. This one will attempt to share a lighter aspect of the abusive church environment – what happens when two such churches compete on the same turf for new converts.
The church I attended (a UPCI breakaway church) had its main headquarters in Waukegan, Illinois. This was a short drive from the Navy base at Great Lakes, and we even had a serviceman’s center on the North Chicago strip outside one of the main gates. This made it very easy for us to travel to the base and attempt to proselytize the sailors; I was stationed at Great Lakes on several occasions and was very active in the base ministry.
We weren’t the only church competing for members on the base. An IFB megachurch (Independent Fundamental Baptist) from Hammond, Indiana sent men from their Bible college to the base every weekend. Their sales pitch included inviting the sailors for a game of football or basketball depending on the season. Most of the students from the IFB church weren’t in the military, but back then it was fairly easy for civilians to access the base as it was before 9/11.
The fun started whenever we met the IFB guys and typically they would try to invite us to the sporting events. From there, the conversation quickly escalated to a debate over doctrine and whether or not any of us were going to heaven. Sometimes the debate got heated when the subject arose about which one of us was “the true church” and which one was a cult. On some occasions it nearly became a shouting match. This wasn’t really a surprise as the pastors of our respective churches were known to bash one another from the pulpit.
What did I learn from the experiences? Both churches drilled Scriptural knowledge deep in our heads, and admonished us to defend our beliefs no matter what. Both churches also encouraged us to be quick to call out who we thought were false teachers. We were also quick to call someone who disagreed with us a cult. The most significant thing I learned was that despite our doctrinal differences, the manner of indoctrination, abuse, and control was practically identical. Our tactics in outreach were basically the same, only my former church was much closer to the base. Our respective leaders were also steeped in controversy; the IFB pastor at that time had numerous allegations of abuse and control, and our general pastor did as well including prison time.
This is why survivor groups like this are important. Our stories cross denominational and doctrinal lines, and we are often more alike than we wish to think.
