Author: Sailor | Page 2 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Victim Blaming

Over the weekend, the Catholic Church was rocked with more upsetting news concerning the scandals involving priests molesting children. Pope Francis delivered a homily where he blamed Satan for exposing sin in the church. I rolled my eyes in disbelief as I read the pontiff’s comments.

Looking back on my own experiences and corresponding with others who went through similar ordeals, it doesn’t shock me as much as it might have a decade ago. Too often, church leaders place the blame everywhere BUT on the abuser. When a victim or concerned member voices concern or attempts to report abuse, they are quickly silenced.

How many times have we heard pastors say “touch not God’s anointed” when allegations of abuse surface? How many times are church members excoriated for “spreading gossip” or “negative communication?” I personally was admonished to simply shut up and “focus on the good, pure, and lovely things” on numerous occasions. This attitude of turning a blind eye only worsens the problem.

In another abuse survivors group, an account was shared of how a teenage girl and her family left a large church in Indiana after the senior pastor was caught taking the girl out of state for sex. This pastor even went so far as to blame the girl for leading him into sin, after he groomed and had his way with her for some time. The pastor was rightly sent to prison.

When I was a teenager in the late 1970’s, I read in history class about the great revivals that occurred in the early 20th century. Why don’t we see that now? I believe part of it is here. Until the church takes abuse victims seriously, and purges perverts from the ranks, folks will stay away from houses of worship.

Those who preach the gospel must live the gospel.

The Sacred Cows of Pentecost Part 2

The previous blog touched on some topics that were considered taboo to discuss in the Pentecostal churches, especially United Pentecostal Church and similar groups. There were other areas where one could say we gagged at a gnat and swallowed a camel.

Television: Psalms tells us not to set wicked things before our eyes. The UPCI was especially hardcore in preaching against the “idiot box” and even required its ministers to sign a statement verifying they didn’t own a television. I do remember a conversation with one UPCI pastor where we touched on television. He admitted to me many of the pastors lied about owning televisions but the district and general board usually did nothing about it.

The conversation with that pastor revealed a double standard that cuts a swath across denominational and doctrinal lines. The leadership will preach hard and fast that certain activities are sinful, like watching television. They expect parishioners to obey the teachings without question. However, the message to the masses wasn’t practiced by those who delivered it. The pastor, in his conversation with me, unwittingly exposed the man behind the curtain.

In the wake of streaming video and other services, the very discussion concerning television is a moot point now. Yet, the double standard is clear and most church members never ask about it.

Gossip: Almost every pastor I listened to preached vehemently against gossip, in particular when questions arose about possible misconduct by an elder or leader. Scriptures such as “evil communication corrupts good manners” and Philippians 4:8 (the go-to passage to silence any questioning or “negative communication”) were used to discourage “gossip” or asking questions.

Just like with television, gossip had its double standard. In one church I attended and even held license, I sat next to the pastor’s wife and daughters. In less than five minutes I was able to learn the dirt on almost everyone! The pastor should have told his own family to stifle their own tongues, but to my knowledge never did. Again, the man behind the curtain was exposed.

There are so many “sacred cows” nobody wanted to touch. but in this forum it’s a golden opportunity to openly and freely have a discussion. The more we discuss these, the more we discover aren’t even scriptural.

Manufactured Controversy – Unintended Results

In my years attending abusive churches, it was a common practice to hear the pastor bash various lifestyles and forms of entertainment from the pulpit. In fact, it was at times encouraged to openly protest and confront those who supported those things. I wonder if we unintentionally created audiences by creating controversy.

My dad always says “If you don’t like a certain TV show, don’t watch it.” His simple approach allows for one to make his or her stand while not raising a stink everywhere else. The pastors on the other hand wanted us to be the “faithful watchmen” and warn everyone we met about the spiritual dangers associated with certain forms of secular entertainment, fashion, and literature. I couldn’t help but reflect on certain cultural phenomena that received massive exposure and monetary gain despite controversy.

Example 1: 2 Live Crew was an obscure rap group from Miami, Florida who didn’t receive major exposure until late 1989 when there was much controversy surrounding the lyrics in their album As Nasty As They Wanna Be. After the controversy occurred, 2 Live Crew achieved major success nationally and their coffers were much fuller than before.

Example 2: Many preachers voiced concern over the Harry Potter books written by J.K. Rowling. The protests backfired here too: Rowling’s books all became best sellers, and the movies were a hugely successful franchise.

Example 3: Legendary rock band AC/DC was blasted by pulpits for decades for songs like “Highway to Hell.” The controversy probably played a big role in that band’s success as many of their albums are on the all-time best seller lists, and AC/DC still plays to packed houses after 45 years of touring and recording.

Example 4: Since its debut in 1953, Playboy magazine has been the target of pulpits claiming the adult magazine objectifies women. This didn’t slow sales nor curb women from posing for the photos that made Playboy famous. Instead, it may have increased them.

As I reflect on these and other examples, I have to wonder. Did I help create the audiences unintentionally? Human nature often shows us people are curious by things that are considered forbidden, immoral, or illegal. The more attention given, the more curious people become. As we were out there protesting and “warning” others, we may have instead led more people into those things.

I also wonder how many of us who protested in public actually enjoyed those things in private. None of these things are sinful in of themselves, but if we have our shorts in a bunch over minor issues like these, how can we focus on the serious sin issues that not just threaten our society, but us personally? We also fail to realize that those who don’t know Christ will not receive our protests. They need to know the love of Christ first, then they will look to His example not ours.

Indeed, my dad is much wiser than many pastors when it comes to dealing with “offensive” material. It’s better to not give such things an audience in the first place.

The Phallacy of the 200

Before I dive into this account, I misspelled the word “fallacy” on purpose. It’s a reference to the disturbing and tainted legacy of my former church’s founder. The story I share concerns a “prophecy” the founder made over 30 years ago that never came to pass. Still, a lot of my friends fell for the sales pitch.

Thanksgiving weekend, 1987, was supposed to be a fun time for everyone. Most normal people, unless they were on duty, went home on leave to visit loved ones. I didn’t have enough leave yet to take an extended vacation, so I joined the rest of the guys at the church for a big Thanksgiving dinner at a Norfolk supper club, hosted by the founder. The dinner would wrap up and we would load up in vans and return to the church for an evening service.

The founder stated that night what we thought was a prophecy:
“Behold, thus saith the Lord; give Me 200 men who did not care where they ate, where they slept, where they lived, or whether or not they ever get married. If you give Me this, I will use you to win the world with the gospel.”

We were worshiping and praising the Lord for what we considered at that time to be a powerful message of prophecy. We believed God was going to use all of us to go out into the mission fields around the world. The message on the surface sounded noble. However, the founder was known to preach a doctrine called “eunuchship.” Eunuchship was based on a scripture in Matthew’s gospel.

Matthew 19:12 (KJV)
For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

This is the only place in the New Testament where Jesus spoke of this. The founder encouraged men to make a vow never to get married for “the gospel’s sake;” those who did were seen as an elite group in the ministry. I never made this vow. The men who did would find themselves cheated over time.

The single men in the ministry often lived in crowded apartments, sometimes up to six in a two bedroom unit. We would spend almost every waking moment doing busywork at the church, being basically free labor for the leadership and in some cases sex partners for the founder. Yes, the founder was a closeted homosexual yet he preached vehemently against homosexuality in public. Lack of sleep, no social life, little time for personal pursuits were common and we as a group endured it because we had this promise – especially those of us who “made the vow” – God would send us out.

As the years and decades passed, this promise fell flat. Only a small number of us who followed what the founder said ever got sent out. The majority were stuck at the church building, working low wage jobs, became socially isolated, and never fulfilled their dreams. These men, once young, grew old and lost the relationships that mattered most: family, friends, professional achievements.

After leaving, I realized how bogus the “phallacy” really was. I count myself thankful to God for never tossing my life away to that extent; I lost enough years as it was. I wanted to tell some of my friends who still attend how they’ve been cheated. They more than likely would reject me, stating I backslid and am reprobate. They still believe if they remain faithful, they will be sent.

These men will go to their graves never realizing the whole “prophecy” over 30 years ago was all a scam, meant to provide free labor and sex partners. In other words, a “phallacy.”

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Losing My Identity

Some of us who left the abusive church environment faced an identity crisis. After years, even decades, of involvement, the church is a part of us. Its structure and belief systems are part of who we were.

In nearly 27 years of being deeply involved in the church, it was a very crucial part of what made me the man I became. When talking to others, I shared how I was a Christian, a licensed minister in a church, and a member of our nation’s armed forces. My faithfulness in the church and my military career were deeply intertwined; I saw each milestone as not only a moment of personal achievement, but a testimony of how God used me to be an example to the men and women I served with. As I advanced in rank and earned my warfare qualifications in the Navy, the pastor also shared this with the congregation. We had a large number of men and women in the church who served in the military and had the same testimony. We made the church look great through our personal successes.

20 years of faithful, honorable service led to the privilege of retiring from the Navy. As I made the move to civilian life, I wanted to use the same drive to be that testimony to the people around me. I sought to be the best I could be in “the real world” just as I did in the service. My identity was still one where church, career, and service were intertwined. Each achievement on the job I took as an example of how God used me to be that example to everyone around me.

Then, the day came where everything was stripped from me. A year after starting a new job, I asked about changes in the church’s direction and teachings. I felt we were drifting from biblical teachings to a more watered down message. I sensed a loss of urgency in preaching the gospel. I also questioned why the church changed its name, removing ‘Apostolic‘ from it.

I voiced my concerns about embracing the 501(c)(3) IRS code, which places restrictions on what churches can and cannot say. There was also the discovery, through the state sex offender registry, that a church elder served time in prison for molesting an underage girl. Note: I didn’t have an opportunity to discuss the issue concerning the elder, but others did after my departure. I voiced my concerns to another elder, and my response was “I understand, brother, but HE’s the pastor.” This was a polite way of saying I was no longer welcome.

The reality of that statement floored me as I drove home. Decades of dedication to the church, forging a crucial part of what made me the man I became, was rendered void in one 10 second answer. My identity was taken away from me.

I have no answers to anyone at this time on how to find or create a new identity after being stripped by the church. I’m still working on that myself. I know I still believe in Jesus Christ, am a proud veteran, and a loving soul. At the same time, being booted from the church stripped me of a major part of my identity. I still struggle as many do in finding a church home where I can feel wanted, safe, and able to make a difference.

God bless us all as we reconstruct our lives in Him.

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