Author: dividing hisword | Page 3 | Spiritual Abuse Blogs

Is Your Faith Being Hijacked By Controlling Leaders?

Have you ever asked yourself ‘How did I end up here? What choices did I make that brought me to this moment?’ You might have asked this about your marriage, your job, some circumstance in your life that when you got there – it left you bewildered and confused. It felt like it was out of your control – like you were a puppet and the one pulling the strings was a hijacker – it doesn’t feel like it was you.

This is something I’ve heard many times about faith and spiritually abusive church structures – that it (faith) was taken over by controlling spiritual leaders who directly manipulated the steps taken by an individual, who then face a moment in time when their faith is in crisis. I’ve even asked the question, “Am I really a Christian (follower of Christ) if everything I do is the dictates of another flawed human being?”

One pastor told a young man, “Until I feel your unwavering loyalty, I will not give you one of my girls.”

To put this into context – the young man had asked the pastor of the church he attended for permission to marry another young lady in the church. The first and immediate response is that it isn’t the pastors choice – but in a system that hijacks your faith, they teach that it is the pastors choice.

In this scenario, the pastor simultaneously claimed ownership of a young lady, who was not his daughter, and claimed control over the actions and future of a young man in the church. The Bible says that we are to be led by the Spirit (Romans 8:14) and that when we need wisdom we are to ask God for it. (James 1:5)

More importantly, a Biblical command is to honor your father and mother (Exodus 20:12) and that in Bible terms, headship looks like this:

GOD
CHRIST
HUSBAND
WIFE
CHILDREN (presumably)

Ephesians 5:23

In the scenario of the young man and woman, the young man never spoke to his parents to seek permission to marry this young lady – and truthfully he didn’t need their permission, but following Biblical patterns would have given them much more authority in the matter. Instead, that process was hijacked by a controlling pastor.

How can your Faith be Hijacked?

I have now spoken with hundreds of people who have come out of or are coming out of spiritually abusive and controlling churches via this blog, my YouTube channel and social media groups, and the answers have been the same across the board – Fear.

Question: “What made you stay in that abusive relationship for so long?”

Everyone has identified with one or more of the following reasons.

Fear of being disfellowshipped
Fear of losing positions of ministry
Fear of losing rewards (such as permission to marry)
Fear of punishment
Fear of losing friends and family member relationships (yes this happens)
Fear of Salvation (You are told disobedience to the pastor is disobedience to God and is the sin of rebellion/witchcraft)

The list can actually continue on for quite a ways but fear is always the preeminent cause for an individual to stay in a controlling/abusive relationship. This is equally true for most physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse victims.

Over time, the control and abuse are normalized in the mind of the victim, even craved. Someone who lacks self-discipline may feel they need someone controlling their actions for them. That person is a prime target to be taken advantage.

For instance, the young man in our story had to choose between being controlled by a manipulator and agree to his terms in order to retain the love he felt for a young lady and marry, or reject being controlled and thereby lose the love of the young lady. (This is a true story in case you were wondering.) The choice was clear – obey my wishes or I take away something from you as punishment.

This is hijacked faith. Two young people should seek counsel in their choices, although they have no obligation to do so. Their parents and friends should be step #1 – and certainly seeking spiritual counsel is also wise – but none of those people have the right to say other individuals can or cannot get married.

The Tragedy of 9/11

In thinking back to the hijacking of four American planes on September 11th, 2001, where thousands of people had their lives hijacked by the evil will of others, I considered the connection between those events and hijacked faith.

When the passengers of those planes realized what was happening, they were left completely choice-less and powerless over their future. What was going to happen was out of their control – and while the initial thought is that someone in a spiritually abusive and hijacked situation has a choice, those people did not – you may be shocked to realize that that choice was mentally robbed from them (the young couple) every bit as much as the passengers on those planes.

When someone is convinced that heaven and hell are real and that their admission to one or the other is entirely defined by their obedience to the pastor, they are intellectually and emotionally robbed of free will and choice.

This takes time to be brainwashed into believing this – but just like our scenario with the young couple – she was so convinced of this she told the boy she would not marry him if he disobeyed the pastor. A husband told his wife, “Either we leave this church or there is a real possibility we won’t make it.” The wife responded, “Sorry, I’m not leaving the church.”

These people’s faith and future have been hijacked by terrorists, terrorist men or women who wear the clothes of a shepherd, which turns out to be a much better disguise than sheep’s clothing for the wolf.

Recovery

Just like real life hijacking events – the only way to recover is to overcome the force of the enemy – to bring to bear enough power and effort as to overwhelm those who would hijack your faith and future.

What does this mean for the Christian who is involved in an abusive church or religious organization? It means getting a firm understanding of who YOU really answer to!

Matthew 23 is one of the most powerful indicators of what our Lord Jesus Christ thought about men who would place themselves upon pedestals, take credit, demand obedience and authoritative respect. His response to those types of people was to proclaim to His disciples NOT to be like that.

Mat 23:8 But be not ye called Rabbi: for one is your Master, even Christ; and all ye are brethren. Mat 23:9 And call no man your father upon the earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven. Mat 23:10 Neither be ye called masters: for one is your Master, even Christ. Mat 23:11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.

Jesus Christ is your father, your lord, and your master. Not another man, who is as equally flawed as you are. And before it enters into your mind that ‘Yea but God gave us Pastors and we are supposed to obey them’, read again Matthew 23:8-11. This was Jesus telling his Apostles (above Pastors in the food chain) ‘Neither be ye called masters.’

The word here for ‘master’ is the Greek kath-ayg-ay-trace (G2519 in Strongs Dictionary) which means guide, a teacher. Others use it as authority. Neither be ye called authorities.

1 Corinthians 11:1 Imitate me as I imitate Christ.

This was Paul saying to follow his faith, follow his example and I would remind you Paul never demanded ‘unwavering loyalty for the permission of marrying.’ Paul never used dictatorial control of his disciples. Rather, he expressed the love of Christ and knew he was answerable to Christ.

Paul went on to express what Biblical headship is, which gives us guidance as to who we are to be loyal to;

1Co 11:3 Now I want you to realize that the Messiah is the head of every man, and man is the head of the woman, and God is the head of the Messiah.

Recognize and realize that our obedience is to Christ, our Messiah, and savior! It is Him we must please and nowhere did Jesus say, ‘If you obey the commandments of men, you will be saved.” In fact, he said quite the opposite.

Mar 7:7 Their worship of me is worthless, because they teach human rules as doctrines.’

John 15:10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.

Lastly, the commandments of Christ were quite specific – love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor. Paul told us in Galatians 6:2 “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

What was it that Jesus did? He came to bear the burden of our sin. He gave himself for each of us and thus, he gave all Love to God and to his neighbors. If we do the same, we abide in Christ’ love and have the Father.

If we are obedient to Christ, we are obedient to God. Let no man deceive you and hijack your faith by the claim that you must be obedient to them! Paul asked people to follow him, he didn’t demand it. Any man who claims you cannot please God without first pleasing him is a robber of God’s grace and a hijacker of your faith! Do not let them, but put your faith in Christ and Christ alone.

Jesus Plus Nothing = Everything

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Legalism is Idolatry – Flee From It

Protestant/Evangelical Christianity was in some ways a response to the legalism of the Roman Catholic church nearly 500 years ago when in 1517 Martin Luther nailed his 95 Thesis to the doors of a church in Germany. More importantly, it came against this notion that particular sacraments (a form of Godliness) brought the forgiveness of sin.

This was a time when men could do horrible things in the name of God and so long as they completed their sacramental, ritual practices, their crimes were dissolved and mattered not. Men could continue killing, raping, controlling and harming others without punishment, both in the eyes of man and God. They idolized legalism and stopped revering the God behind the pages.

Coming out of a severely legalistic church, I have experienced this first hand. There is a vast difference between second chances, grace and forgiveness, and gross negligence and hiding/covering up sins by leadership because the individual in question is following along with the ‘standards.’

For instance, I know of a situation in which a young man was being used in a local church, was placed into the Sunday school buses, teaching in the Sunday School classes. He was doing everything he was supposed to – wore the suit and tie, was demonstrative in his worship, ‘spoke in tongues‘ which is the Holy Grail of a Oneness Pentecostal church. With glossolalia being observed, the boy was surely walking in the Spirit. That was all that was needed – he fulfilled the patterns and standards of legalism and thus, no questions asked – he was All God wanted in a person (as if it worked that way…).

Then, one day, with no warning, his face was on the front cover of the local newspaper.

Local man arrested, wanted by police for over a year was the headline. Same face, different name. I immediately read the article. He had been fugitive for over a year in another state. The article said he had changed his name, sold all his belongings, was on the run and in hiding, wanted for the crimes of molesting a small child.

I took a picture of the newspaper and texted it to another young person in the church who I knew would know him and said, “Is this Dominic? [Name changed for privacy]” It was, and the shock was real. How many children had the church put him into private positions with – no background checks, no questions asked. Just so long as you obey the church standards, nothing else matters.

There are dozens, perhaps hundreds of more stories of things being covered up in my old church alone, for sake of purity of doctrine and what I call the idolatry of legalism.

What is Legalism?

Legalism at its core is the belief that we can perform certain rituals and behave in certain fashions in order to please God and to warrant his favor. That man is so depraved, that without certain hard lines drawn in the sand that we must obey, administered by a local pastor, we have no hope of obtaining the grace of Jesus Christ.

In my old church, it was taught often,

‘You want God to bless you on the job? Be at outreach more often!’

‘You want God to work in your marriage? Shave that beard! Be at prayer more than 30 minutes every day.’

‘Do you think God can bless you over you (women) wearing pants?”

‘If you aren’t paying your tithes God isn’t going to answer your prayers!’

They truly believed that they had to dress certain ways in order to please God – such as no short sleeve shirts, no shorts on men or women, women were being like harlots to wear makeup, earrings, to dye their hair or to tan their skin. It’s a long litany of Thou Shalt Nots, above and beyond any scriptural example. Yet they honestly believe (or have been brainwashed to believe) that if they do any of those things – God will be dishonored, and worse, his wrath was to come.

But how is legalism idolatry?

It is idolatry when ‘playing the part’ is more important and overrides the grace of Jesus Christ! When legal matters are brushed aside for the purity of the doctrine. It is idolatry when instead of worshiping God for Calvary and what the cross did for us, we obey the pastors every whim, believing that is what pleases God.

Paul said it best in 1 Corinthians 2:2

for I made the decision to know nothing [that is, to forego philosophical or theological discussions regarding inconsequential things and opinions while] among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified [and the meaning of His redemptive, substitutionary death and His resurrection]. – Amplified Bible

Legalism turns inconsequential things into matters of doctrine and makes them sacraments for the atonement of sin, just like the Roman Catholic Church of 500+ years ago. If you want to be saved, pray in tongues every day. If you hope to have God’s blessing, pay more money. If you think God is going to help your family, stop wearing short sleeve shirts and shave your beard.

It is important to know, that God and God alone washes (atones) our sins. Not by any works of righteousness (Titus 3:5) which we think we can do. James rightly said faith without any works is dead (James 2:20) but our works are an outward effect of our faith, our faith is not predicated or made whole, or made better by works, or as legalists call them, standards.

The fruit of God’s spirit is not legalism – it is not a dress standard, it is not ritual, it is not sacraments, it is not blind obedience to a pastor, and it is most certainly not judging others salvation based upon their outward appearance, which is what every legalist will do.

But the fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22

The result of having the Spirit of Christ WILL produce THESE works. All other demands upon Christians is a false and phony doctrine. Paul went on to say;

Carry one another’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the requirements of the law of Christ [that is, the law of Christian love].

The end of legalism is life in Christ and fulfilling the law of Christ, which is purely and simply, living our Galatians 5:22 – loving and caring for others in the way Jesus Christ gave himself for us. While we deserved nothing, he gave us everything!

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Coping with the Cults – Part #3 – Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual abuse is one of those labels that can be overused, much like the word cult. In the times following Jesus’ crucifixion and the birth of the Christian church, Judaism and the Roman occupiers of Jerusalem labeled the Christian movement a cult. However, it is also something that needs to be defined and exposed, because it happens in our neighborhoods, around the block, and in town.

Spiritual abuse is defined as when a spiritual leader, such as a pastor, uses his/her position of authority to control other individuals in a way that requires absolute obedience and results in the personal gain of power, prestige or financial gain.

Part 1 – Separation | Part 2 – Judgmentalism

In the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, that author(s) talks about the recovery process necessary to put back one’s faith in God and spiritual leadership after leaving a spiritually abusive situation. Like a man or woman abused by a spouse, or a child physically abused by a parent, in time they begin to believe that this is the norm. Every other man, or women, or parent, must be like this.

Nothing could be farther from the truth, but the wounds of the heart run deeper than the skin, and the wounds of the spirit run deeper yet. God warned of false teachers that would come in, ‘not sparing the flock.’ We think that just meant teaching false doctrines, but the warnings came on the heels of Pharisees using their authority to abuse people.

I know that after I am gone, [false teachers like] ferocious wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; – Acts 20:29, AMP

Spiritual abuse is malicious but covert. I am even willing to admit that some abusers are ignorant of the fact that they are perpetrating abuse. Rather, they are doing it ignorantly, fully convinced that it is the right thing to do.

This is always affected by people who lead a more cult-style religious system than a grace-based, Faith focused, Christ-centered church. Rather than pointing you towards Christ and getting out of the way, these people believe that they are the only pathway to Christ, that their legislated rules and behavior models are the only acceptable way, and that you need their shepherd’s crook around your neck to stay on the straight path.

For instance, in the Oneness Pentecostal sect of Pentecostalism I was in, the leaders often believe in what is called delegated authority or spiritual fatherhood. They have the right to whip your hiney when you get out of line (figuratively). They have the right to set up curfews, and dating policies, and restrict cell phone and internet usage of congregants. They have the right to decide if you attend college, or if you seek professional help for marital or mental health issues.

As a matter of fact, in the bylaws of my old church, they taught that the pastor was the final authority on matters of infidelity – in other words, he decided if and when a divorce could take place. He even chose if and when a marriage could take place, what you could wear, sing and eat at said weddings.

Furthermore, the pastor defined our dress and clothing, what was/was not acceptable, our hairstyles, if we could have facial hair, when women had to wear nylons, and what style of underwear our daughters could wear at certain ages.

Spiritual abuse can take on many other forms, such as requiring work from church members while using guilt to enforce obedience. It can also be exhibited in the grossest forms, where spiritual leaders demand sexual relations with congregants and use their position and authority to demand silence and to instill fear.

What we know for sure, is that this is not the Kingdom or Church of Christ!

Jesus did not come to create a church in which men (and women) would lord over God’s people (1 Peter 5:3) and create rules and standards above and beyond what He already gave us. (Mark 7:7-8)

Rather, understanding and knowing that Christ came to set up a church in which humanity was inspirited to live for Him due to his love and mercy!

The adulteress of John 8 is a beautiful example of Christ combating legalism and spiritual abuse. This allows us to fulfill Scripture when we say, show me another human who is without sin, and thus is capable of passing judgment, and I’ll show you a liar. (1 John 1:8)

However, when they persisted in questioning Him, He straightened up and said, “He who is without [any] sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” ⁸Then He stooped down again and started writing on the ground. ⁹They listened [to His reply], and they began to go out one by one, starting with the oldest ones, until He was left alone, with the woman [standing there before Him] in the center of the court. ¹⁰Straightening up, Jesus said to her, “Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?” ¹¹She answered, “No one, Lord!” And Jesus said, “I do not condemn you either. Go. From now on sin no more.”] John 8:7-11, AMP

The Results of Spiritual Abuse

The most common result of spiritual abuse is causing a soul to turn away from God. This bruised and scarred spirit will take on the attitude that if that is what God is, they want nothing to do with that God.

Another result is reverse judgmentalism. This person will cast the behavior of a very bad minister upon the face of all other ministers. This is equally devastating as the judgmentalism of cult leaders and followers because it denies the one abused the right they have to recover and to see faith again.

Fear and depression is a major sign and a result of spiritual abuse. One woman recently said that she used to wake up with panic attacks in fear of God cursing her for all the wrongs she had done. When she stopped feeling that panic, she would panic again, now believing that God had given her up and she was eternally damned. Why? She was wearing jewelry, or pants, or cutting her hair.

Marital and family conflict is a very major part of the spiritual abuse and marks the organization as a cult when it demands loved ones to refuse to be part of each other lives based on the premise of believing in the organization’s set of guidelines and ideas.

Self-hate and criticism was my drug. You begin to question your own intelligence, and sanity! Some will say, ‘How could I have been so stupid!‘ or ‘Why would I be so deceived to let someone do that to me?‘ You can even start to believe it was your fault, that the responsibility was yours.

Worst of all, is that the lies of a spiritually abusive leader will be so ingrained, that even after exiting from the system, you’ll constantly wonder, ‘What if they were right, and I’m lost now?’ It can cling to you like the spray of the skunk. No matter what you try, and how many showers you take, that scent is still in your nose, always reminding you of the past.

Recovery from Spiritual Abuse

It will sound strange coming from a faith-based ministry like Divide The Word, but there are some very real and consequential steps to take in your recovery. These are by no means a complete list, and if it comes down to depression, anxiety, and marital struggles, you need to seek professional help.

Also, read the book The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse! You can find it here very inexpensively, and if you desperately need help buying the book, send me a private message on my contact page and I’ll help.

Surround yourself with both secular and more loving faith-based people.
Often times, secular people can provide understanding without looking at you or your situation through the eyes of religious standards or requirements, and thus, be a very healing antidote to the poison in your heart.
Read, read, read!
Read books like Toxic Faith, Spiritual Abuse, visit websites like spiritualabuse.org and find local and even internet communities that are for the purpose of recovering from spiritual abuse. I will say this boldly, and clearly: Anyone who scoffs at the idea that spiritual abuse is real, and tells you this is nonsense, is themselves an abuser. You must find support and community. The single most healing aspect of my own recovery was first understanding, as sad as it made me feel, that I was not alone. There were hundreds and thousands out there with the same story. This made me feel like I had a family again, and there you’ll find comfort, understanding, and friendship.
Seek professional psychological help
There are too many pastors and teachers that believe they have your every need, and it is simply just not true. There are some traumas that ingrain themselves into our psyche that requires digging out. Certainly, God is powerful enough and capable, but the real bottleneck is our own mind and heart. Having a professional help us open ourselves up again, to learn to let go of some of the pain and accept the nectar of God’s love, is sometimes the only way back.

Conclusion

Spiritual abuse, like Satan, is alive and real. It’s around the corner probably and in most towns. Denying this keeps it alive. Staying quiet about it keeps it alive. Believing that it is isolated, keeps it alive.

The most important thing we can all do about spiritual abuse is to expose it where it lays. Drag it out into the street for all to see. Put the Scarlet Letter S on it like a badge of shame so that we can keep as many souls from being scarred by it as possible.

We cannot stamp it out, or root it out completely, for God himself said that these men would come in among us. Yet, we can mitigate the results, and when we find someone who was abused, spiritually, we can make our calling and election sure by displaying the real love of Christ to them, in acceptance, in refusing to judge, and most importantly, being there and caring for them in their time of need.

For certainly, someone extracted from spiritual abuse is a spiritual widow or fatherless child until the true Father, and husband, is accepted back into the fragile heart of a human.

Pure and unblemished religion [as it is expressed in outward acts] in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit and look after the fatherless and the widows in their distress, and to keep oneself uncontaminated by the [secular] world. – James 1:27

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Coping with the Cults – Part #2 – Judgmentalism

Since leaving a cult, I have delved into studying, writing, reading, talking and coping with the very real, sometimes hidden, but obvious affects cults and their teachings have on lives. Most certainly the very word ‘cult’ conjures up the worst horrors to hit the news headlines, like Jonestown, or Waco, TX, but the majority of cults are far less obvious and insidiously covert, and right next door.

The most common fear or result we have seen as a result of leaving a cult is the harsh judgmentalism that is felt by those who leave, or ‘change.’ You don’t obey their dress standards anymore. You can feel the whispers, the stares. You can even see it in their children’s eyes.

Part 1 (Please see Part 1 for my definition of a Cult)

In Part 1 we dealt with coping with rejection and separation from all you’ve known and been connected to, in the cult. One of the most glaring and obvious signs of a cult is that they require your entire social circle to revolve around them. Your friends, your family, sometimes your job.

Fellowship with ‘outsiders‘ is forbidden. Friendship with the ‘world’ they say, is enmity with God. This is Scriptural, but their definition of ‘the world,’ is twisted and perverted. To them, that is everyone who doesn’t believe and perform in their predefined mold.

To the JW and Mormon structures, absolute avoidance of non-members is required. To my ex-Oneness Pentecostal cult, you can wave and be nice to the family member that has left the ‘way,’ but you should avoid them as much as possible. To the Scientologist, destroying the reputation and value of those who have left, and hate for them is nearly required.

What is Judgmentalism?

So the end result of this mentality is judgmentalism. Judgmentalism exists by believing that there is a superior, or only way, believing that you alone have that only way and thus have found perfection. Anyone who rejects your way, or doesn’t line up is sub-par. They are rejected by God due to these performance standards, and thus, can/should be rejected by you.

For instance, the holiness standards of the United Pentecostal Church, International hold the following ideas simple ideas:

Women cannot wear pants or they violate ‘Wear not that which pertaineth unto a man.’ (Deut 22:5)
Men cannot have long hair, and women cannot cut their hair (short) to any degree. (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)

My particular church held the additional standards:

Watching Television/Movies is sinful (Psalm 101:3)
Wearing short sleeve shirts or shorts (men) is sinful (no Scripture for this)
Men are not to have facial hair (no Scripture for this)
Women need to wear pantyhose when in public or at church events
etc

Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: – Hebrews 12:14, KJV

They have defined all these things as ‘Holiness,’ and then use Hebrews 12:14 (wrongly) to enforce the idea. Why am I saying this?

Because with this mentality, you can now judge those who do not follow this lifestyle choice. For instance, I know a woman who is still in this church standard, and she saw another woman on the side of the road who had left the ‘way,’ in pants. This woman said, ‘Well look, you can see she obviously isn’t going to make it…she is in pants after all.’

A judgment about her status was based on her outward appearance, which, in this case, alluded to her spiritual well-being, as in, she (the women wearing pants) was lost.

Another example of spiteful judgmentalism is how they ignore those who have left their circles. For instance, the bishop of the church I once attended pulled up in a truck to a driveway I stood in with another local businessman, ignored me completely, and refused to acknowledge my wave and greeting. He spoke to the other businessman, then drove away without looking at me.

Recently, the pastor of the church sent a Christmas card to my home and wrote the label to specifically exclude me from their holiday wishes. They could have labeled the envelope, ‘Brickley Family,’ but instead they singled out my wife and daughter.

They and their followers will say, ‘You are the one who chose to leave.’ Yet, I’m not sure how you can justify dropping respect and decency for another person simply because they disagree with you, and/or choose not to attend weekly services at your building.

Another young man decided to leave the church and this same pastor told him spitefully, ‘We will compare how our kids turn out in 30 years to decide who is right and who is wrong.’

This is why judgmentalism is a stumbling block. It can never bear good fruit. Jesus rightly said, ‘Ye shall know them by their fruits,’ and the pastor used the Word spitefully and incorrectly. Judgmentalism overrides common sense, decency, and wisdom. It is not a fruit of God’s Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23, KJV

How to cope with Judgmentalism

1. Realize only God can judge you!

First, and foremost, come to grips with the reality that God is the only one capable and worthy to judge you, and when it came right down to it, He doesn’t do so superficially. If other flawed humans are judging you, they do it at their own peril and in our their own ignorance, violating Scripture commandments not to judge.

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8

Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way. – Romans 14:13

The cult will demand perfection for admittance, or to maintain your membership, which is truly a stumbling block to faith! God simply demands you strive not to sin, knowing of course that you will again. Consider again the adulteress of John 8, an illustration I’ve used many times.

When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more. – John 8:10-11, KJV

We can also take comfort that while God definitely has an opinion about our outward appearance (dress) he is most concerned with the condition of the heart.

But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. – 1 Samuel 16:7

2. Surround yourself with non-judgmental people

Human nature tends to be judgmental, so we are going to face this issue throughout our life. Yet, when Coping with the Cults, your primary step towards healing is to get connected with ‘outsiders.’ And this will feel unnatural at first! You’ve been taught for years, perhaps your entire life, that this is absolutely wrong, to connect with people outside of the ‘way.’

More pointedly, find both religious and non-religious people that you can speak to, maybe even family that you had before the cult that would listen to your pains and understand them.

Look, when entering a cult, you cut off the entire world outside the cult. When exiting a cult, they cut you off from them. You are like an infant again in a world of strangers and now, it feels like limbo. Who do you have to turn to now? You must find them!

There are great Facebook groups like SpiritualAbuse.org and their website. These places will connect you to hundreds, thousands of people with similar stories and experiences that can listen, understand and help.

3. Do not become bitter and offer the same treatment in return

Lashing back at them is hard to avoid but is ever so important to avoid it. However, do not confuse exposing the hurt and the behavior of these groups as just being bitter. I expose them all the time, and they accuse me of being bitter.

But in my exposure of these cults, I have had many people come and say, ‘Thank you for sharing this! I was going through this and felt alone and didn’t know where to turn!’

You can be an instrument for a change! Those people who judge you are watching and waiting for your reaction. It may just be that in healing, you cause them to see you didn’t turn into the demon the cult said you would.

I have an in-law that calls me names because now I wear facial hair, which he is not allowed to have. I could in turn label and judge him, but my impact on him would diminish and it would just be a spitting match.

My son watched my words and behavior after I left the cult and had to start admitting, dad might be right… If I had become vile and bitter, he would have believed the worst of me, and been justified to think I had ‘gone astray.’

Conclusion

Coping with the Cults will not be easy, whatever brand, label or type it is. The judgmentalism runs deep in the roots of these organizations. Gossiping is generally the most visible sign of their spirit, both in organizations and in people.

When my sister left our church, years ago, people talked about her all the time. My dear mother, God rest her soul, would ask me at times, “Why do they have to be so mean to her?” They were the church leaders.

The answer is because they must. To be part of the gang you act like the gang. To be accepted into a social circle, you must morph with them. To be considered one of us, you need to act like us.

If you realize this and pray for them, silently forgive them, and count it an opportunity to show them a more real truth, a more real God, and a more real faith, you can endure and spring forth fruits from the judgmentalism.

More importantly, you can slowly etch away at the scars within yourself. Someone who has been deeply ingrained in a cult like society must battle out the judgmentalism they carry in their hearts. There are moments that you’ll look at other people and make decisions based on their appearance. Perhaps even looking back at those you escaped from and judge them.

Battle it out, pray it out, and be thankful you got out!

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Coping with the Cults – Part #1 – Separation

The most common question I am asked, the top concern and hurt I see through my YouTube channel, this blog, interviews and online groups, is ‘How do I cope with the pain of all those I loved who now reject me, simply because I no longer go to church there?’

This series on Coping with the Cults will be focused on addressing the real and emotional outcomes that are a result of being a member of, or being affected by someone who is in a cult. But before we move on, I want to address the word cult and what I mean when I say it.

What is a cult?

1. The word itself has a few different social meanings. We have heard the phrase ‘cult following’ around a brand, a product, even a movie. Even Netflix has a section called Cult Sci-Fi & Fantasy. That is to say, these movies have a large fan base. Products like Apple can be referred to as the Apple Cult.

In this sense of the word, cult simply means something that is loved and/or adored by others.

2. The second most common definition of cult is a religion. Christianity, from its very beginning was considered to be a cult by Judaism and the Romans who occupied Jerusalem at the time of Jesus. That is to say, a religious cult is a religious movement or organization that differs dramatically from the social normative of religion in the time and environment the group was formed in.

Christianity of its time was considered to be a cult.

3. Today’s most common understanding of the word cult, and what I mean when I say it, is a religious organization that exhibits the following major characteristics at the very foundation of the belief structure:

Exclusive – They are the only ones ‘with the truth,’ and often use phrases such as ‘coming into the truth’, or ‘leaving the truth.’ You must be in their organization and share exactly their beliefs in order to gain salvation, and leaving the organization is often hard, painful and doing so labels you as apostate.
Secretive – These groups will internally teach doctrines, beliefs and practices that they do not share publicly, knowing that the knowledge would create ridicule and scare away new converts before indoctrination and take away the shock of the beliefs. They may also have sacred texts or writings that only upper echelon member are privy too.
Authoritarian – The biggest and most insidious aspect to religious organizations known as cults is their practice of gathering around a single, often charismatic human leader who through indoctrination, brain washing and often outright demands, requires absolute and unwavering loyalty and obedience by his/her followers. This is often displayed by members becoming aggravated and potentially violent towards any who oppose the leaders teachings.

This third example is the type of church I attended for fifteen years and what I, and the majority of the world that studies cults, would define as a cult.

A young man from the very same church I left asked the pastor there if he could marry a young lady in the church. Because this young man had been asking questions about the doctrines of the church, the pastor told him no. He was told;

“Until I feel your unwavering loyalty, I will not give you one of my girls.”

This is a cult. One in which your privileges in life are at the permission of the leader. An organization that makes you believe that you must cut off family, friends and other associations in order to be in right standing with them. A belief system that makes you guard what you tell people about it, is most definitely a cult.

What happens when you leave a cult? Separation

Disfellowshipped, cast aside as chaff, purged wickedness. Separation.

If you decide of your own volition to leave a cult, you are one of the few. And if you are told you had to leave the church, the result is the same. As a matter of fact, this is so important to some religious organizations that follow this definition of a cult, they have entire web pages dedicated to teaching their followers how to cope with Disfellowshipping their own children.

The Jehovah’s Witness organization is one such group that fits this mold and puts a lot of effort, like the Mormon faith, into teaching their followers the art of separating from those who no longer believe ‘the faith,’ or as little as ‘break the rules’.

This article, entitled God’s Love – How to treat disfellowshipped people?, goes on to declare that strict avoidance and abandonment of a disfellowshipped person is necessary to prove ones loyalty to God, even if it is your children.

In this article, Why Disfellowshipping Is a Loving Provision, they try to show how Julian dealt with the Church declaring his son an outlaw, disfellowshipped and to be shunned. His Son.

“What Jehovah expects of us is reasonable and is a protection for us. For example, we all want to live among peaceful, decent, and honest people, and that is what we experience among our spiritual brothers and sisters. Why are they this way? Because they dedicated themselves to Jehovah and promised to live by what he says in the Bible.

How stark a contrast these teachings are to the power of love given to us by Christ.

John 8:7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
John 8:10 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?
John 8:11 She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

What a different story! The example from the Jehovah’s Witness web page, and my old Oneness Apostolic Pentecostal cult said, ‘get right, perfect yourself, cleanse the sin, and then we will accept you!’ But Jesus said, “I’ve already accepted you in your sin, and I do not judge or condemn you, let that be the reason you cleanse yourself from sin.”

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. – Romans 5:8, KJV

How to cope with separation?

This is for most, the hardest and most crucial moment in escaping from a cult, and retaining their faith in a loving God. It would be all too easy to say, ‘Why would God allow something like this to happen?’ and abandon faith. To let the pendulum swing to the other extreme.

We’ve probably all heard someone say, and maybe the preacher, ‘Would God allow us to have growth and revival if HE wasn’t in what we are doing?’ as if that proved the validity of their systems. To that I would ask, why is the Muslim faith the fastest growing religious organization on the planet? Is God in it?

In the book, The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, it ends with something I wasn’t expecting when I first read it, fresh after leaving the cult. The authors, David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, said leaving a spiritually abusive system was like leaving a physically abusive relationship, or leaving a drug addiction. It would take recovery.

Recovery? I shuddered. I left it, what did I have to recover from?

Bitterness for sure. To have the sudden realization that those whom you called friend, and even loved ones, turned from you simply because you decided to no longer attend a church. Not that you left God, became a robber and a murderer, or blasphemed God, you just left that address, or building. Can friendship be that cheap? Their responses will be, ‘You’re the one who left.’

Fear daily. What if they were right? What if the curses of God are about to crash down on me? Did I make a mistake? Will they ever talk to me again? I don’t have any friends now. What will my family say about me?

Anger at the system. Anger at those who follow the system. Mostly, angry at yourself for being so gullible and stupid. How could I have been so weak and stupid to let them control me like that?

When I read this I nearly broke out in tears. It was true. I was really angry, and I could easily take it out on others, but I was really angry with myself. That I would allow another human being with no gun to my head to control me so utterly. I felt like my manhood was ripped away. Really small, you know?

And then they said, this is how a drug addict feels. That small pill, the little bottle. The tiny droplet, or small pile of white powder. It had absolute control over them. And they felt stupid.

In the book Toxic Faith by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, they describe spiritual abuse like physical abuse, in that humanity tends to cling to the abuse if it is all they have known, because the unknown somehow seems more painful.

What a vicious cycle it is, and I believe God alone has judgement for the propagators of this hate.

The only way to Cope with the Cults, and the separation that follows, is to get help!

Consider this list of the top five steps you must take after a marital separation and see how it applies to Coping with the Cults.

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings
Give yourself a break
Don’t go through this alone
Take care of yourself emotionally and physically
Avoid power struggles and arguments with your ex-church fellowship

#5 originally read, “Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse.”

This is poignant because when you buy in to a cult, you are marrying the system. You are not just someone who attends, but you are a member. You have committed to being one with the organization; you are, in all intents and purposes, betrothed. And separation from that is painful and has long term tremors.

You can, and you will recover! You will find support, and new friends, a fresh start, the life God intended you to live. It may take months, and in some cases, there are those who have been out for years that still face the struggle.

But God has better plans for you! You can Cope with the Cult that dogs you in the shadows of your mind, because God is not the author of confusion. Life was never intended to be a closet society on the fringe edge of normality.

You did escape, and you can escape, and you will recover, if you realize you were NOT STUPID, you are human. You are OK to have different feelings. You will not be hard on yourself for the past, and you most certainly will not do this alone. You will take care of yourself, free from the judgementalism of your past, and you, not in the spirit of separation, but in the spirit of love and recovery, will not endanger yourself by becoming embroiled in arguments and power struggles with those who would condemn you.

Remember the words of Christ as you go on in victory, Coping with the Cults.

Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

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