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IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives

Every morning after breakfast, we begin our pre-school program around the dining room table with my high-energy preschooler and my reserved but somehow talkative toddler. We start off with a drum roll, pounding our hands on the table faster and faster exclaiming, “It’s time for… school!” Their little hands wave and twist in curious complexity as they sing “The B-I-B-L-E,” “Obedience,” “The Lord’s Army,” and “Deep and Wide.” We recite our little poems about bunnies scurrying into their burrows and black bears saying their prayers. Little do they know that one of the most important aspects of the day is when we individually work through their phonogram flashcards, learning the basic building blocks of the English language, setting them up for success in reading, writing, and vocabulary. “/a/, /A/, /ah/.” “/sh/.” “/p/.”

Every weekday, my preschooler stands on the chair, eyes focused intently on the cards, first repeating each sound, and then racing through the cards, hands turning at lightning speed, reciting each set from memory. “/ph/ two-letter /ph/”. “/oy/ that we may NOT use at the end of English words.” Letter sounds and phonemes are the basic foundation of any language, the structure upon which everything else is established. In the same regard with religion, man develops a base-line organization and ideals for which to pier additional tenants and moral standards. In Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) Churches, the Bible is the foundation, and from this foundation comes the framework known as the Baptist Distinctives. In Christian academies, Sunday schools and Bible colleges, these distinctives are taught with little variation using what is known as the “Baptist Acrostic”:

Bible as Sole Authority of Faith and Practice
Autonomy of the Local Church
Priesthood of Every Believer
Two Church Ordinances: Baptism and Lord’s Supper
Individual Soul Liberty
Saved Church Membership
Two Church Offices: Pastor and Deacons
Separation of Church and State

Bible as Sole Authority of Faith and Practice.
The Bible, usually the King James, is the inspired, inerrant, preserved, infallible word God and is the source of all doctrine and instruction in righteousness. Baptists dispute among themselves about the definitions of the terms “inspired” and “inerrant,” many debating whether the modern versions of the Bible are God’s infallible Word. Some Baptists are considered King James Only, meaning they do not use any other version other than the King James Version, while others are King James “preferred,” taking a slightly more relaxed stance. Still yet, some churches take to the extremes of a man named Peter Ruckman who believed the Bible was re-inspired at the translation of the “King James Bible,” is currently being inspired, and that even the Greek and Hebrew are not only irrelevant, but have no authority under God.

“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness” (KJV 2 Tim 3:16).

Autonomy of the Local Church
Unlike the Catholic church and the majority of Protestant churches, each individual church is self-governing, not part of any hierarchical structure, with Christ as the head. No church or man has power or authority over another church.

“Now there were in the church that was at Antioch certain prophets and teachers…” (Acts 13:1).
“But if I tarry long, that thou mayest know how thou oughtest to behave thyself in the house of God, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and ground of the truth” (1 Tim 3:15).

Priesthood of Every Believer
Every saved individual has direct access to God through Christ and does not have to go through a priest, pastor, spouse or any other man to be able to come before the throne of God. Christ is our intercessor.

“But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).
“For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus” (1 Tim 2:5)
“And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father, to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen” (Rev 1:5-6).

Two Church Ordinances: Baptism and the Lord’s Supper
The word “ordinance” comes from two Latin words which, in their final meaning, signify “that which is ordered or commanded” and Baptists believe that these two ordinances were ordained by Christ in the New Testament to the church. Keeping these ordinances does not bring blessing or grace, nor should it be considered a means of impressing the world.

Baptism by immersion is a picture of the death, burial and resurrection of Christ, completed as an act of obedience AFTER salvation.

The Lord’s Supper, a celebration and reminder of His suffering and death, is obligatory, commanded by Christ and practiced by the early church.

“Then they that gladly received his word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three thousand souls. And they continued stedfastly in the apostle’s doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers” (Acts 2:41-42).

Individual Soul Liberty
Each person has the opportunity and responsibility to accept Christ as Savior for himself.

“For as it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God” (Romans 14:11-12).

Saved Church Membership
By the Greek definition of ekklesia, the church is a “called out assembly” of baptized believers. This is probably considered most precious of all of the Distinctives because of the men who died for their belief in believer’s baptism.

“And they continued stedfastly in the apostle’s doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayer” (Acts 2:42).

Two Church Offices: Pastor and Deacons
Baptists believe the Bible only mentions two church offices: Pastor (considered synonymous with bishop or elder in Scripture) and Deacons. The requirements for these offices can be found in 1 Tim 3:1-13, Titus 1:6-9, and 1 Peter 5:1-4.
“Paul and Timotheus, the servants of Jesus Christ, to all the saints in Christ Jesus which are at Philippi, with the bishops and deacons (Phil 1:1)
“This is a true saying, If a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work” (1 Tim 3:1).
“For this cause left I thee in Crete, that thou shouldest set in order the things that are wanting, and ordain elders in every city, as I had appointed thee” (Titus 1:5)
“The elderships which are among you I exhort, who am also an elder, and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that shall be revealed” (1 Pet 5:1).

Separation of Church and State
After declaring freedom from Great Britain, Thomas Jefferson used the term “a wall of separation” to a group of Baptists. Separation of church and state, in its context, was written for the purpose of defending the church, not the state, but dictated that neither the church nor the state shall attempt to control the other. Because of this, the church is free to determine its own form of faith and government but shall be carried on within the framework of the laws of the state. Should the government go against Scripture, the church “ought to obey God rather than man”.

“They say unto him, Caesar’s. Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s” (Matt 22:21).

Additional Doctrines Not Covered in the Baptist Distinctives:

Salvation by Grace Through Faith– Salvation comes only by placing one’s faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ, who came to this earth in the form of a servant. though still remaining to be God, lived a sinless life, and took our sins upon Himself on the cross, buried and rose again the third day. Salvation is not by baptism, being a good person, speaking in tongues, etc. Some also believe “repentance” is considered a “works salvation” (Eph 2:8-9).
Once Saved, Always Saved– Once someone receives Christ as Savior, one cannot lose their salvation. Man is commanded not to “turn the grace of God into lasciviousness” (Jude 1:4), and a changed life results in a desire to serve God, but no manner of evil living results in one losing salvation (John 10:28-29).
Holy Trinity– The Godhead is three persons in one: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit/Ghost (Matt 28:19, John 10:30).
The Deity of Christ– The Lord Jesus Christ is the “God-man.” He was 100% God and 100% man, lived a sinless life, became sin for us on the cross, and rose again the third day (John 1:14).
Holy Spirit/Ghost– Before salvation, the Holy Spirit draws the lost to salvation (John 6:44). After salvation, the Holy Spirit is the Comforter, guide, and interpreter of Scripture (John 14:16-26, John 6:44). Man is indwelt with the Holy Spirit at the point of salvation. The “filling of the Holy Spirit” referenced in Scripture after salvation deals with a life in submission to Christ and His leading, rather than the actual indwelling that takes place at salvation and never changes (Eph 5:18).
Tongues/Prophecy/Signs and Wonders– These gifts were done away with a the time of the completion of the Bible/canon of Scripture (1 Cor 13:8-13, James 1:22-25)
Separation– Often referred to as “Holy Living.” God has called man to be a particular people, set apart from the world for his glory (2 Cor 6:17)
End Times– Pre-tribulation rapture: occurs before the tribulation (Rom 8:16-23, 1 Cor 15:51-58, 1 Thess 4:13-18, 2 Cor 5:1-8); and Pre-millennial Reign: Christ comes back with the saints to set up the kingdom (Matt 25:31, 34). These stances are currently in shift because of the work of men such as Steven Anderson.

*Disclaimer* This series, “Why Am I A Baptist?“, is NOT an exhaustive list of IFB doctrine. Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps”, typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

“Distinctives of Baptists.” Paul Chappell, 2 May 2011, paulchappell.com/2011/05/02/distinctives-of-baptists/.
* Tomlinson, Tim. “Ecclesiology.” Bible Doctrine II. Mar. 2010, Crown College of the Bible.

Why Am I a Baptist?
IFB Doctrine: The Baptist Distinctives
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Church Polity (Part One)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and the Leading Lady (Part Two)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy in Marriage (Part Three)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Keeping at Home (Part Four)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Sexual Obedience (Part Five)
IFB Churches: Patriarchy and Domestic Abuse (Part Six)
IFB Standards: Rigid Music and Dress Standards (Part One)

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Why Am I a Baptist?

Sitting cozily on my bookshelf at home is a recorded message entitled, “Why I Am a Baptist.” This common lesson is harrowed from pulpits across the country, stirring up the hearts of listeners in their pews. Shouts of “Amen!” and “Glory to God!” resound through the usually quiet buildings and halls of Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) churches. Through James Carroll’s The Trail of Blood and John T. Christian’s The History of the Baptists, young, independent, fundamental Baptists are taught the value of their Christian heritage: a remnant of believers of “like-precious faith,” called by various names throughout the centuries- Donatists, Anabaptists, Puritans, Separatists, etc.- all heinously persecuted for their stance in believer’s baptism.

This “trail of blood” or common chord is delicately traced back to the time of Christ. That notion, however, is as equivalently ludicrous as concluding that any person who often consumed rice is of Asian descent and culture, or that anyone who, wrapped his head in a turban is part of radical Islam. (Side-note: men that wear turbans are Sikhs, not Moslem, but that is beside the point.) Nevertheless, in order to begin looking at the mind-sets of the majority of IFB churches, one must begin with noting the baseline doctrine of Baptist churches, commonly coined, “The Baptist Distinctives,” as outlined in the following acrostic:

Bible as Soul Authority of Faith and Practice
Autonomy of the Local Church
Priesthood of Every Believer
Two Church Ordinances
Individual Soul Liberty
Saved Church Membership
Two Church Offices: Pastor and Deacons
Separation of Church and State

Growing up in strict IFB churches and attending a well-known IFB Bible college in the southeastern United States, my husband and I are both well-acquainted with the Baptist Distinctives, and, unfortunately, with the legalism and obligations. As our family has just recently left a once-balanced but now spiritually-abusive IFB church, we have been forced to re-evaluate our understanding of biblical expectations and what is considered healthy in a church for the protection of our family. As we consider the requirements for a church home, we are finding that most of those requirements are standards, not doctrine. Therefore, today, I want to pose the question, “Why AM I a Baptist?” In order to answer such a loaded question, we need to look at the standards and status quos of the majority of IFB churches that will be addressed in more detail within the following weeks:

Patriarchy in Church Polity and Home
Rigid Music and Dress Standards
Idolization of the Preacher and Absolute Power
Discouragement of Individual Thought Outside of Established Ideals.
Extreme Sensitivity to Natural Sexual Affection

Not exactly the typical Baptist acrostic, but this one seems to be more appropriate: P-R-I-D-E. Baptists take a dangerous level of pride in their Christian heritage, staunch standards, and convictions, claiming to be the only church that rightly divides the word of truth, condemning anyone who dares to disagree. Their arrogance creates a cult-like environment where questioning is only encouraged with the goal of conformity, instilling unity through fear within the congregants.

Why AM I a Baptist? I’m not so sure anymore, but this may be the start of my family leaving the IFB movement. I hope this series provides the information necessary for families seeking shelter from the abuse or just enough light to open the eyes of those still inside.

*Disclaimer* Because of the autonomous nature of IFB churches, this evaluation is of the movement as a whole, rather than a hard-and-fast rule. It may be possible to find healthy IFB churches, but they are few and far between because of various associations known as “camps,” typically surrounding well-known preachers or preference of worship style.

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Do Not Send Me Sunflowers

We trudged up the winding apartment steps: left, flight of stairs, left, second set of stairs. The trail led up to the shadowed door. Entering the tiny kitchen, the nauseating smell of dead mice hit us in the face. They ate the rat poison and crawled under the floor space to die and rot in the summer heat.

Large pale sunflowers danced on the old wallpaper, long forgotten without the sun. Trinkets with the yellow flowers on the counter attempted to brighten the room with their billowing petals, faces staring back, witnesses to the cries and screams within those walls.

On the table lay my mentor’s Bible and journal, accompanied by a blue pen and yellow highlighter. Always yellow, her favorite color. Did you know October has multiple birthstones ranging from the traditional pink, to a mystical burgundy or Indian orange, or even an aqua blue? But her favorite was the beryl stone, a tame yet exuberant yellow. Every year, October creeps in and I wonder how she is doing. My heart yearns to call her or send a letter just to know that she is well.

But how can she be? Her two boys are grown and married, no longer their father’s punching bags. Who is now the recipient of those blows? He can no longer call the police at night because his teenage son disobeyed him. Her husband, furious with disagreement or disapproval, often left to a hotel for several days and nights, knowing the financial strain of unpaid bills because of his inability to keep a job. He further withheld sexual intimacy for control and manipulation. Who is left to stand up against him?

Mrs. Julie and I would sent thank you cards and get-well cards while I was in college, and I would look specifically for ones with yellow flowers, but not just any yellow flowers, sunflowers. I still have one in my room ten years later, bearing the emptiness left of an abrupt end to our friendship but unable to bring myself to dispose of it.

When I see fields of giant sunflowers, swaying in the warm breeze, I long for our phone calls and days of intricate Bible study and answered prayer, pouring out my heart, a teenage girl, simply longing for a closer walk with the Lord. Wandering through stores, I see them painted delicately on cookie jars and storage containers and I am instantly taken back to hours on the couch, her husband screaming and berating me because I was supposedly a fake. He raged that I could not be saved because I “never repented,” a life unchanged. I see the long petals at a grocery store and wonder if she is alright, still trapped while I am free.

Life still holds many triggers from the past: some weak, while others debilitating. This one, a single flower, intended as a beautiful, intricate, gift from God, slices and stings deep within, protected away in the hidden parts of my soul. Please…. Don’t send me sunflowers.

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Boundaries

I only vaguely remember the conversation that day despite the hours spent attempting to recall the specifics, still attempting to catch my breath as panic sets off in my brain. I believe it was the summer after my mentors had been instrumental in breaking off the relationship with the man who is now my husband, shattering it to pieces six days before he was going to ask my dad’s permission to court me. I returned home from Bible college an emotional wreck, having fallen in love only to have it ripped away. What I could not see was that my mentors were terrified of losing control, particularly the husband who likely could not let go of his sexual fantasies. We set up a list of rules for summer break ranging from rising early for devotions, to her husband having my Facebook and email passwords once again. I was not to contact the man I had fallen in love with, nor any friends from college because they were not part of that “ten percent” who “truly loved the Lord.” Mrs. Julie described it as a baby who is just starting to crawl. She starts off in the pack n’ play until she can prove that she is ready for a larger area to play in. She is later moved to a play pen where she has greater freedom within the boundaries. Eventually, as she learns to walk and proves that she can obey the rules, the boundaries are extended yet further.

When I first started with a new therapist in 2018, I also started equine therapy for a few months. The kind yet independent and assertive woman who worked with the horses hit on multiple triggers in my first session, beginning with an introduction to the horses where she spoke about having authority and being submissive. As we reached the smallest horse, who I called Short-Stuff in my head, she spoke of boundaries. She spoke of how after they learn to follow the rules in the smaller gate, then they can have freedom to ride and explore in the field. I wanted to run. I wanted to shut down. She attempted to ask me what I had learned that day, but my chest tightened preventing my breath. I remembered the pack n’ play. I remembered the play pen. I remembered the boundaries of not accessing the internet on my own, not singing harmony in church or playing any sort of instruments. I remembered not being able to go around and say hello to my church family, but how I had to sit there, still, and give an “honest” answer of how I was doing when people asked. I felt the humiliation and the fear.

Mrs. Julie and the horse therapist were both right: Boundaries are essential in life. What Mrs. Julie missed, however, is that we need HEALTHY boundaries. We need boundaries that limit how people can treat us, whether that be in their words or in physical force. We need boundaries in the standards that pastors and church members are allowed to impose on our lives (hint: they shouldn’t be allowed AT ALL!). We need boundaries even in families in terms of whether we want to be touched, including embracement and outward displays of affection at family gatherings. We need to learn to be assertive about those boundaries because the people who do not care will overstep every time. Fences aide in keeping the wolves and predators out. Boundaries are important, but they need to be healthy.

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When Suicide is Selfless (Part 2): A Mother’s Love

Sliding down the beige-colored drywall, slumped down on the soft carpet beneath, a woman weeps bitterly for her life long-gone, faced with the insurmountable complexities and intricacies of motherhood for the first time. Months have passed since the traumatic birth of her son, but she still finds herself searching for the solace of the quiet dining room floor in the dead of night, tears flowing, skin crawling, wondering how to make it through another day. During her extended hospital stay, she discovered the continual flashbacks were a symptom of postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (P-PTSD), but it provided little comfort to the new mother as she struggled to breastfeed her jaundiced baby who fell asleep immediately after latching on. As she contemplated her decisions during birth, she concluded that her inability to birth her child without intervention led to the newborn’s difficulty in feeding, jaundice, and weight gain. Pediatricians ignorant to the struggles of breastfeeding only amplified the confusion and stress as they continued to push for supplementation and pumping to determine production rate. To the new mother, formula signified that her body failed her once again in what should have been one of the most natural forms of nourishment and care.

Diaper change. Nurse. Diaper leak. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby falls asleep. Lays baby down. Startle reflex. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby falls asleep. Lays baby down in the bassinet and baby lies still. She collapses on the bed where her husband sleeps peacefully, his body regaining necessary strength for another day of demanding work. She closes her eyes in hopes of a mere thirty minutes to rest her weary mind, but is he breathing? Will she wake up to find the cold, lifeless body of the one she carried and agonized over for nine months as countless mothers before her? Will God take her baby too? It is not that she is avoiding trying to get her spiritual walk back where it used to be. She managed just enough time this morning to pull her black leather Bible off the shelf. Peeling back the old familiar pages, yellowed from her morning devotions in Bible college, she longed for the peace she experienced those mornings, huddled alone in the brisk stairwell studying before class, pouring her heart and soul to hide God’s Word in her heart. Those words carried her through the days, through the complications of social life and drama, the intensities of college papers and final exams, coupled with the extenuating circumstances of her mentors back home.

Her chest tightened this morning against the air she had left, forcing the darkening pit yet deeper into her stomach as she stared at the black ink, smudged from often tears. Forcing herself to begin, she turned the dried pages to the book of Proverbs, a hidden plethora of crippling landmines yet a well-acquainted guide. She quickly found her mind racing back to her bed at her parent’s home. Peering out the window of the bedroom that day, phone in hand, tears streaming down her face, she wondered when her mentor, Brother Thomas, would forgive her of her most recent transgression. When would his wife, Mrs. Julie, see that she was not trying to mess up again? When would she be allowed to go back to her old church family, rather than searching for one over an hour away? Her body froze, tense with the blanket of emotions she experienced that week, reliving them again and again until her baby let out a shriek, waking up from a few moments of slumber. She failed in completing her Bible reading but would have to try again another day. Instantly, a chill shutters through her tired body, bringing her back to the present. The baby! Is he still okay? She sits up and listens for his breath, but all she hears is the hum of her husband’s CPAP. She leans closer to the bassinet listening ever more intently, hoping just for the soft whisper of the air. Maybe she could simply touch the top of his chest and feel his lungs as they rise and fall, if they were even still moving. The young child stirs just slightly, appearing to fall back sleep, only to whimper and then scream for milk.

Diaper change. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays the baby down. Startle reflex. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays the baby down. Baby starts to cry. Diaper change. Nurse. Baby finally falls asleep again. The mom kisses him good-bye and lays back down, hoping and praying that her baby makes it through the night. She hears footsteps in the distance, a creak in the floor boards. Slowly, she climbs out of bed, intensely watching the hallway light under the door for movement. She lays down at the base of the locked bedroom door. Waiting. Watching. Listening. Heart pounding. Mind racing. Surely, God would not allow someone to break in and take away the most precious things in her life again. Oh, the irony that would be. Everything precious to her goes away. It never lasts. She stays there frozen for what seems like hours until she finally builds up the courage to check the house for the third time that night. Coming back into the room, locking the door, she sits on the bed near the bassinet. Is he breathing? Again, sitting there staring, listening, watching for any sign of life. Laying back down again, the baby’s stomach shoots up acid, burning his little throat, sending him sputtering and coughing, almost drowning on his own fluids. She races to the side of the bassinet and picks him up, frantically patting his back and waiting for him to scream with full intakes of air. She sits in the all-too familiar ottoman to nurse, the cushion worn with use. Nurse. Diaper change. Nurse. Lays baby down to sleep. But will he make it through the night?

Needing out of the small room and hoping not to wake her husband or baby, the mother finds her place on the dining room floor, finally able to allow the out-pouring of tears, pooling in the dark circles under her eyes. Her old mentor’s words still race through her mind, “The only reason you want to get married is to have sex and to have babies.” His words haunt her day by day, over-spiritualizing yet condemning her desire for children. All I want right now is sleep. All I’ve wanted for months is sleep. Why isn’t he gaining weight? Why is my body failing him? The three-month-old still nurses forty-five minutes out of every hour during the day, giving a mere fifteen to twenty-minute break before nursing again. Why can I not figure out what my son needs? His undiagnosed lip-tie and tongue tie wears out the poor baby before he can finish a meal. He falls asleep with only a snack and wakes up shortly after, starving and not gaining weight. A six-month insurance complication further prevents the scrawny baby from receiving a proper evaluation of the ties. Her heart cringes as people coo over the baby, exclaiming how tiny he is. “Look at those little cheeks,” the older women always say. “You better enjoy it. It only gets harder from here.”

Her eye catches the masses of material, thread and snaps for cloth diapers swallowing up the table. At least she is attempting to sew? The Proverbs thirty-one woman “seeketh wool and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands” (Prov 31:13 ). How do other mothers balance caring for multiple children when she is drowning under the expectations of one? Awake at all hours of the night, she nurses in the chair for hours on end. For the first several months, she took to laying down on the couch in the mornings to nurse in hopes of catching up on just a moment of sleep. Those moments turned into broken hours of slumber, but never feeling rested or rejuvenated, always exhausted and trapped in the mundane cycle of nursing and changing diapers. The dishes would overflow onto the countertops as the laundry lounged on the hallway floor for days. “She riseth also while it is yet night” (Prov 31:15). “All her household are clothed with scarlet” (Prov 31:21). Why is it never enough? “Enjoy this time,” they said. “You will miss these days. They grow up so fast.” By the time she would have the strength to force herself off the couch, it would already be afternoon and almost time for her husband to come home. “All you do is sleep all day,” her husband scolded, weary from a long day at work.

Her blood boils within her, recollecting the nights he has fallen asleep on the couch as she nursed the baby for hours on end, her husband snoring loudly and keeping the baby awake. She recently adapted an extensive cleaning program to aide in keeping up on the little apartment, striving to be a “keeper at home” (Titus 2:5), but her mind now becomes fixated on completing minuscule details, even waking up at two in morning to “shine the sink” or “swish and swash the bathroom.” The day before, her husband’s socks mocked her from the bedroom floor while the unorganized silverware in the dishwasher sent her into almost uncontrollable fury. She is clueless that rage is yet another symptom of the postpartum depression that overtakes her day by day.

Her mind shoots back to her sleeping child. Even if he makes it through the night, is he even going to be able to make it through the next few days? We could lose him at any time. His pediatrician is afraid he has whooping cough. His little body has been sick for days, congested, coughing, gasping and lethargic. The new mother and father made the decision not to give him the new pertussis vaccine after three accounts of life-threatening reactions in the family history, including one tragic death. The new a-cellular pertussis vaccine is still the same formula, but simply a lower dose. Despite immense pressure from the pediatrician’s office and health department, the parents give everything except the pertussis vaccine. Now her child might die in her arms. She’s spent hours holding her child, weeping over his frail body, researching about the symptoms and progression of whooping cough, waiting anxiously for the results. If it is pertussis, the treatment is the same medication that can take his life. The test results take two weeks, but the sickness is lethal within ten days.

Oh God, please don’t take my baby away. I’m trying so hard. She knows God answers prayer as she has seen Him answer in the past. Please look past my failures in prayer and see my baby. Even after hours of counsel, the young mother has yet to re-learn how to pray. Under Mrs. Julie, she followed a set pattern, and oh, how she saw God work, first asking God how she should worship him, waiting for the answer, and then praying. Then she would ask how God desired for her to thank Him, then wait and pray. She asked what she needed to confess, how He wanted her to pray for others, and then for herself, always waiting for the answer before praying. She would commonly see up to five directly answered prayers in a day when she depended on and walked ever so close with the Lord. Her heart yearns to be able to pray again, but re-programming from the cultish-mindset prevents her, fear of her past overwhelms her, and the anguish of broken trust in the God she once loved breaks her at the core. He was supposed to protect her.

But how can she pray for her son now, knowing that she hasn’t “kept short lists with God”? Iniquity hides His face from her that He will not hear (Isaiah 59:2). She believes her son could die because she isn’t right with the Lord. “The effectual fervent prayer of a RIGHTEOUS man availeth much” (James 5:16). He is a righteous God of judgment after all. Maybe Mrs. Julie was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready spiritually for marriage, and much less for motherhood. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married and my husband should have married someone else that can truly care for him, his children, and a home. Her mind wanders and races, remembering the days of her and her husband’s courtship, the days they talked for hours, jesting and exchanging glances. He deserves a virtuous wife who is still faithful to and studies God’s Word diligently and can encourage him to do the same, not someone who panics with reminders of the past. The tears well-up as she remembers her pregnancy, filed with anxiety but with greater joy in anticipation of a baby boy on the way. He deserves a mom who can “train him up in the way he should go” (Prov 22:6). He deserves so much more.

The young new mom leans over, weeping bitterly for her family. They deserve so much more. Lifting her head, her vision blurred and eyes stinging, intrusive thoughts once again race before her as a daily ritual. “There’s a large knife in the kitchen.” What? No. She vigorously shakes her head as if it makes the idea disappear. “There’s a gun in the bedroom.” Where is this coming from? Besides, guns have recoil. It probably would not work. “There are other ways.” No. I’m not going there. “Your family deserves so much more. What will your children become if their own mother cannot read her Bible and pray? What you cannot handle around the house becomes a burden on your husband. It would be better if you stepped out of the way so God can use someone else to help and support them the way they need and deserve.” She leans back over to weep, but suddenly hears the baby from the backroom. He needs milk again in order to fall back asleep. Little does she know that these intrusive thoughts will continue for many more months to come.

Perinatal mood disorders (postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, bipolar disorder, psychosis, etc.) are actual disorders, valid despite the stigma society attempts to place on them. Combine that with the destructive results of spiritual abuse and one is left as a ticking time bomb. When society says “suicide is selfish: it’s all about attention,” they invalidate the emotional heartache and physical pain of the sufferer, only intensifying the anguish. Suicide is often a cry for help because of seemingly insurmountable suffering. For others, the focus is on attempting to end the pain of those close to them, the ones they love and care for. Sometimes, it’s SELFLESS. But depression and suicide lie, speculating the problems end with death, but truly, it’s only exacerbated for those that are left behind. There IS hope, and there IS a way out that does not involve ending a precious life.

If you are contemplating suicide, there is no reason to be ashamed. Nothing good comes out of a life lost. You are truly precious in God’s eyes. Seek out a friend or family member, a general care provider, or call the Suicide Hotline at 1(800) 273-8255. You can also text 741741 and a crisis worker will text you back immediately and continue to text with you. It’s a free service to anyone who lives in the United States and it’s run by the Crisis Text Line. There is a also a Facebook Group called “Suicide Hotline: Crises and Prevention” that attempts to answer questions quickly and is there for help and support. [2024 EDIT: The group is no longer available.] Suicide is not “always selfish,” but it is blind, and fails to show that not only are there are other ways, but that your life is worth living.

When Suicide is Selfless (Part One): Within the Cult

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